Guener

I was reading a thread in Friends & Family about the selfishness of addicts. It is true that addicts are intensely selfish when it comes to indulging ourselves in addictive behaviors. It got me to thinking about what it means to be in Recovery and why I do it.

Most people who are psychologically sound want to be considered as persons of good character. It is part of self-esteem to consider yourself to have (known) positive qualities. While in active addiction I betrayed my instinct toward being a person of character, and while in depression I fail to see it. For me to foster my own well being I have to strive to behave in a moral fashion, and I need to recognize my good traits.

I have stated before that I base much of my pursuit of sobriety on the premise of values. When I am consistent in the pursuit of what are considered normative good values, I find that I am in sync with others and view myself more positively. I must be aware of the nature of the values that I choose to pursue to achieve what some refer to as good character, lest I find myself bound by contradictions of my values.

There are many characteristics that programs of recovery share in promotion of living a sober life: honesty, dependability, courage, and sacrifice. Some find the realization of Love as a demonstration of good impulses, in the love of family, of community, of those in need, and in other ways. We often form moral judgments on ourselves and upon others based upon these expressed characteristics.

One way that I know that I am in conflict with my character is that I may feel anxiety, that I become depressed, or that I have been called out on a contradiction. Please know that I have anxiety disorder and clinical depression, and that those require their own remedies, for me, to live a productive life. But when I am functioning well, in character, I am not mildly beset by the normal dis-ease or sadness that sometimes comes from living in a very complicated world.

I cannot avoid being selfish when I am drinking, and I have a know proclivity to act out of character when I do. I don't want to live like that any longer. How I stay on the path of freedom from my alcoholic persona means I think on character frequently.

Does this make sense to anyone else, and how might I improve on these ideas?

Dee74

I used to analyse endlessly as a young man and especially as a drinker so now I try and keep it simple.

I try to do good, not because of anything I might get out of it, but because its the right thing to do....

Or more succinctly "whatever is good for your soul - do that"

D

Finalround

Guener, I understood and followed most of your post except for the part where you equated your anxiety with a lack of character. I too deal with disgnosed GAD and I often get anxious but it is not triggered by anything I have done out of character. It is purely circumstantial and mostly from others behavior or outside influences.

I speak often of character with my sons about character. Put simply, "it is what you do and who you are when no one is looking". It is a learned trait not an inherent one that takes practice and a high level of awareness. All very similar to the behaviors required for a solid sobriety, no?

Honesty, gratitude, humility, effort, awareness....all words used to describe recovery. Also words that explain character.

I also tell my sons,"you know you are a person of character when you can lay your head on your pillow each night with a warm heart and a quiet mind. "

Thank you for this thread, very thought provoking.

Eddiebuckle

Well put, Guener.

I spent most of my adult life trying to control the consequences of my addiction. How many times did we say "I will never do that again"? And yet, time after time, sooner or later the same thing or worse occurred. When I came to the "jumping off place" it was no longer an aversion to the external outcome. That night, I desperately acknowledged that I never wanted to BE that again. It didn't happen immediately, but that night my life began to change because on some level I saw me and my thinking as the thing that needed to change. I am grateful to say that I haven't had a drink in 9+ years, but it took me awfully close to death to come to that realization.

Fearlessat50

Love your post, Guener! I agree. It’s so important to establish good values and live in congruence with them. So many psychological problems happen when we don’t.

I do agree with Finalround too, that you can experience anxiety and depression while still being in character and living your values, especially with clinical anxiety and depression. It runs in my family. Having this can make us think more deeply about things, which can be problematic. I try to keep things simple

“What you do and who you are when no one is looking” that’s character!

Grateful for this thread!

Guener

Just to clarify, what I was trying to establish between character and anxiety is that I am going to trigger my feelings of anxiousness when I act out of character, not that when living in character one cannot experience anxiety. I take medication and practice CBT to maintain my senses outside of a state of regular anxiety, and I am grateful that these are things that work for me to do so. I was an anxiety ridden child before I ever knew what character really means.

August252015

I'm with Dee on this. I read your posts about this Guener and can get myself all twisted up in my thoughts easily - I get the essence of what you are saying but for me, it's not useful to use my brain space to complicate things.

Essentially, I'm glad to display good character as a sober person. In AA we discuss character defects- our alcoholism isn't one. It's the behaviors, tendencies, thought mechanisms, etc that are - and that just like non-alcoholics, we can seek to "remove" or in other words..."do better."

Pipefish

Thanks Guener for your post. You are very insightful, and have clearly reflected on your life and conduct in active alcoholism. I wonder if you have ever been to an AA step meeting? From your reflections here, it may be beneficial to you.

Gottalife

When I was drinking, character traits were random and irrelavent I am insane when drinking and anything can happen.

When I was between drinks I was beset by instinctual drives, sex, prestige, security, and the fear that they would not be satisfied underpinned everything I did and said. This is about the most selfish way anyone can live and it put me in conflict with everything and eneryone around me in one way or another.

Extreme selfishness is hardly a recipe for happiness, thus I found sobriety so miserable that the misery of drinking looked more attractive. It was how I behaved when sober that led me back to a drink.

When my sober behaviour changed, the need to drink disappeared.

EndGameNYC

After I got sober, I learned that I needed to essentially abandon some of my most cherished beliefs, look at my long-held perspectives in a more critical and less judgmental way, and change a lot of things I was doing and not doing. This involved shunning things like communal or societal expectations about how I should behave and what I should believe.

To me, a lot of our received wisdom -- one of the legacies of people who came before us -- including what people may refer to as traditional "values", tend to promote conformity and a corresponding decline in personal integrity. There's nothing worse than facing an angry mob who share similar destructive beliefs and behaviors.

I learned how to be a better person by how I lived, by how I lived my sober life, more than by any other means. I learned that I couldn't maintain my uneasy attachments to what I believed were more or less traditional values for me or, to me, unacceptable social mandates (such as asserting personal value based on material and financial success) and at the same time remain sober.

I got to find out who and what I am. And what I'm capable of doing.

Pathwaytofree

When I was in addictive addiction, I was selfish because of the compulsive and obsessive nature of addiction. But it was not my true authentic nature, which came out as a natural effect of recovery.

Ayers

Read "An open heart" by the Dalai Lama. I found just that simplicity of thinking helpful. Keep it simple.

MindfulMan

Worrying about "character" and "values" just makes me more anxious.

Who gets to define good "character" and "values?"

I value authenticity more.

Guener

I don't think we are far apart, MindfulMan. An authentic person, to me, acts consistently in character and demonstrates a value system that is inclined toward the good for self and for others. I lose my authenticity when I am acting under the influence, because I act out of accordance with my values and my character suffers.

I understand the question of who gets to decide being complex and even worrisome. We see what happens when individuals or societies choose values that are deemed "dangerous". Sometimes these values are incorrectly defined toward the harm of others as a means to self-aggrandizement or even aggression. But this goes beyond the realm of staying sober.

So, I will return to the advice given here to try to maintain some simplicity in the nature of recovery. The big questions can lead one to leapfrog the small, and that is not always helpful when you are just concerned with not picking up. My anxiety also can be "triggered" by extending my reach for the next level without enjoying the present state, so I will also try to be authentic to what I know works.