rescuer

The last time I shared, I had asked AW to leave and only come back when she had 6 months sober. Well, that only half worked: she did stop for a while (although there was certainly at least one lapse), then came back and was sober for a couple of months and then relapsed. This time I had had enough, and she agreed to go to rehab. After three months of rehab she was a changed person and stayed sober for 11 months (that includes the rehab period, so 8 months after she came out). Things were going well, though I did get the feeling after a while that she had started taking her sobriety for granted and had stopped doing the things she was supposed to do as a part of her recovery. Sure enough, there were a couple of slips. The second one was at least sub-consciously planned, because she had stopped taking her disulfiram. Then, 2 months sober and now a full-blown relapse over the past 3 days.

She said she is terribly ashamed at having relapsed and that she is spiralling, having panic attacks, complete despair. She said she realises she can’t control the drinking, and has gone back to her rehab facility (they suggested her coming back for a few days to detox after she went to meet them as an out-patient). This morning she went there on her own – I couldn’t take her and to be honest I didn’t really feel like doing it anyway – but stopped to pick up a drink on the way. So she drank, BUT still made it to the rehab place on her own eventually. I am fascinated by this inner conflict and this behaviour – going to rehab of your own volition but stopping to drink on the way! Does one laugh or cry??

So, she is not in denial about her problem, she is seeking professional help. I think she had consciously or subconsciously assumed her drinking issues were in the past and that she could focus on a normal life, work, everything, without even thinking about recovery. During those sober months she was 100% confident she would never drink again. I’m hoping that this time she really accepts the one-day-at-a-time mantra and realises that sobriety has to be her no.1 priority and that she has to keep working at it.

The pattern of her drinking and the kind of dangerous situations she keeps getting herself into while drunk is just unbearable for me. The last three days have brought all the old experiences back. That sinking feeling when I know she is drinking and the anxiety when she is out and I don’t know what she will do or what will happen to her or when she will return and in what condition – it’s the most miserable thing in the world. I had decided I never wanted that feeling again, yet it’s back.

I’m really very upset and very torn about my marriage. I have made it very clear that she cannot stay with me if she is drinking. Indeed, I think knowledge of this is what made her seek help the first time and again this time. If she could have stuck around while drinking she might have just kept drinking, I dunno. If she comes out of detox in a week and relapses the week after and just doesn't stop, the decision for me will be quite clear – or at least that's what I'm telling myself right now. But what if she’s sober for another year and we have a normal life but she then relapses again? And even if she DOESN’T relapse, the fear of it will ALWAYS be there at the back of my mind – do I really want to live with that forever? I had thought it was over, but after this time I can just see the cycle of periods of sobriety followed by relapses repeating itself. I know about detaching with love, but it’s not a long term solution – if she’s back and she’s sober and stays that way, I’m not going to be detached. I’m leaving myself open to experiencing more misery.

Yet, I do love her; she is a genuinely good person who is devoted to me (even when drunk she is never directly mean or abusive to me, just to herself); she stayed sober for almost a year during which time she really seemed to be getting her life together; she is not in denial; she is trying to fight her demons and she needs my support – how can I withdraw it? I feel a duty to stay when she is still working at sobriety. Two years ago she was in complete denial - things have improved. She does have a chance at achieving lasting sobriety. And part of me can see a life with her where she is not drinking and we are happy. I keep reading that one just knows when it’s time to leave, and I’m really hoping that’s true. Does one rely on the gut feeling? Right now I still don’t think it’s time to leave. It just doesn’t feel like the right thing to do. But will it ever? I guess I just have to accept that time will tell. Right?

Meanwhile, there is other life stuff happening, some tensions with my sister, my grandmother on her deathbed and my parents not handling it well, some work pressure – AW chose a terrible time to relapse. I’m feeling quite overwhelmed and stressed, though now that she is in safe hands at least for a few days I can try to take care of myself.

This became such a long post. Thanks for listening!

Onefortheditch

dandylion

rescuer.....I, softly, do disagree with you, on some points.
I do think that she is still in denial. And..she is not "fighting her demons"...not as her first priority.
You say that she "needs your support"....well, I say that the best support that you can give her is to just get out of her way....as long as you are her safety net...she is being enabled....
You feel that it is your "duty" to stay with her as long as she is working on her sobriety (here and there)….I propose that you have no duty when it comes to addiction....you cannot be a slave to her disease...that keeps you still in the belly of the beast....

Now, I realize that my words probably fly in your face, and that you will probably strenuously disagree...lol...that is o.k.....
We can discuss all of this in detail....

rescuer

Thank you for the replies.

dandylion, I don't disagree with you. In fact what you're saying makes sense. I KNOW it's not my job to get her sober and I KNOW I shouldn't be a slave to this. It can't be right that I'm sitting here crying about her relapse, feeling so miserable and foreseeing that this might happen again.

BUT...I dunno. I can't help feeling that the almost one year of sobriety meant something. Or am I just weak and kidding myself?

I understand that the feeling of duty can lead to enabling. But she IS my wife, there is a committment there. She's getting help and HAS improved so much...isn't there a road to recovery that CAN involve a few stumbles? Is this all just wishful thinking on my part?

seekingcalm

Of course it all matters, and there is always room for hope.
But the most important thing of all is what are you doing for you so that your happiness, your day-to-day well-being is not tied up in what she is or is not doing around her own recovery.
Hardest part, but the most important. Focus on that, and you never know. Someone smart here recently said...recovery is just a circumstance away.
Take care of you...sometimes we are all we have, and it must be enough.

samlynn

Thank you for this. I have needed to hear these same words over and over again. I often get caught up in "helping" when I should just stand aside and let my AH do his thing. I constantly remind myself that his rock bottom is way different than mine.

rescuer

Thank you.

What I've done for myself today is to get back on Sober Recovery and write a long post

I think I have a handle on how to go about the day-to-day happiness. For peace of mind it is essential that I not be under the same roof as her if she is drinking. If she comes back and starts/keeps drinking I will NOT let her stay, no matter what.

I'm just struggling with making any decision beyond that, and I'm struggling with the long term.

I think I need to keep reminding myself "one day at a time" for myself too. It's such a powerful concept.

dandylion

rescuer......I hear you. As it refers to recovery,,,,Genuine recovery...as opposed to just being sober....I suspect that you don't really know what genuine recovery looks like. I didn't either, until I was around those who had been in recovery for many, many years...when I first started working with alcoholics...I learned so much from them, as I was pretty ignorant....just like most people.
(it was my first job working on a psychiatric unit, and I was still in "trai ning")

The best way that I know of doing this is to learn about what recovery looks like and actually entails, is to spend some time around those who have long years of recovery....talking to them and observing them...Those who have been 5..10..15..20 years in recovery.
You can find them at places where such people gather...like AA conferences...or, you might be lucky enough to find such a person who is working in the recovery community, in your own community. You can begin to find out how to do this by just calling your local AA number and stating what you are looking to find. They will understand.
You can go to open AA meetings, where they have speakers...and, those speakers may have long term recovery....you are allowed to go to :
"open meetings" ….though many of the attendees at those meetings will probably be at the same similar place as your wife...trying, but not there, yet....

Those who have been in long term recovery, of many years, have an air about them that one can "feel". It is marked by humility, and scrupulous honesty. They are not taking everyone else's inventory...as they are more focused on keeping their own house in order....
Life-long recovery involves such a change in life style...one that involves sobriety as their first priority...over everything else. It takes a lot of time and a lot of work...and, it isn't always easy. It involves changing the alcoholic thinking, and attitudes and behaviors.....It doesn't happen overnight...Early recovery is considered to be one year at the most minimum...but 2..3..4..5yrs., depending on who you talk to....
A few AA meetings won't do it....or just seeing a "counselor"....
Though it may well involve a therapist, in addition to AA, because, there may be co-occurring conditions, that need to be treated at the same time as the alcoholism....

I, personally, am a big believer in the alcoholic living separately from the family...(under another roof)...for the first year, at Least...but, could be more than that, depending on the individual situation.....
That also, gives the family or spouse, a time to work on themselves without being distracted by the disease....

I don't know enough about you, of course, to know what you should do about your marriage...that will be up to you...
About "duty"....I say that your first duty is to do what is best for your own welfare....without that you can't have a level playing field.....
The best thing you can do for yourself is to become healthy for yourself....and, the rest will follow....one way or another...the future is not written yet....it has to be faced one day at a time.....

The reason that I am writing all of this is so that you will know/learn the reality of what you are up against...
Knowledge is power....

trailmix

Great suggestions from dandlylion I think.

Your wife is not "in recovery". She is an active addict, she has a pattern of continuing to drink. That's not a relapse or slip, that's a pattern of addiction.

You are struggling with trust, of course, that's totally normal. Just as your gut will tell you when it's time to leave, it will also tell you when perhaps you can breath a bit of a sigh of relief when you know she is truly in recovery.

No guarantees of course, but reliability over time will go a long way to repairing your relationship.

dandylion

rescuer.....I think it takes more th an just the "gut" to tell person when to leave a situation....I think it takes the gut PLUS the head.....Sometimes, even, the head has to be put in charge, because the heart can't always be trusted when it is too vulnerable.....

rescuer

Thank you all.

Yeah, maybe I don't know what real recovery looks like.

And I'm certainly feeling the conflict between head and heart. Aaaargh. It all just sucks so much and I'm so miserable. Sneaking some crying time in at work. LOL.

2015-2016 were SO miserable, 2017-2018 were GOOD, first because I asked her to leave and then because she was in (what I thought was) recovery. And now I'm miserable again (though it's only been a few days). And yes I can see that my happiness shouldn't revolve so much around her drinking or not drinking.

the1975jen

I dont believe you should feel pressure to leave. if you are ready to leave, nothing will make you stay. you get there when you get there. you should be in touch with how you feel, and you should work on yourself and your recovery. But additional pressure isn't the answer.

dandylion

rescuer.....perhaps, it would be helpful if one knew the distinction between being "sober" and being in genuine recovery.
Sober means that the person is not drunk. If a person is not drinking for a period of time (sober), but, is not working on their recovery process....they are "white knuckling" it. Trying to go on pure will power. This will, sometimes work, for a while....and, sometimes, it can go for relatively long periods of time....
But, here is the sticky wicket, about alcoholism--.the very nature of it---it is Progressive. Even when the person is white knuckling...with no help or just some half-measures...the disease is still active, in their head.
The "Alcoholic Voice" is always talking , to them, inside their head, 24/7. It tells them that it is "o.k. to drink"...that, they "can handle it"....that, "they deserve it"...that "nobody will know"....that they can "just have one or two"... "just cut down".....etc. and on and on.
The person may look o.k, on the outside...going to work, being fun to be around, working out, doing various activities....but, inside their head, that alcoholic voice and he alcoholic thinking is still unchanged. Eventually, when the person becomes vulnerable enough...the white knuckling doesn't work, anymore...and, the person drinks. If the person is alcoholic....they can't have any alcohol...they CAN"T stop. And, since the disease is progressive, even when they aren't drinking...they will resume drinking just as much, or more than they did the last time.....
Genuine recovery, as opposed to just being sober...is a life long process of living by the principles of their recovery program, so that they can change the alcoholic thinking,,,which leads to change is basic attitudes, which is, eventually, translated into behavior.....this takes time and wiliness to do the hard work....
Your wife may not know any of this...or, not, yet, be ready to accept that she , as an alcoholic, cannot ever drink, again. As I have heard it said, in AA..."One drink is too many, and one hundred is not enough".....
However, it is important that you know this....because the knowledge is what keeps you realistic about what you are up against,,,,,,
Knowledge is power....

I hope you will actually consider what I suggested in the other post...about spend some time talking to those who have had many years of sobriety, under their belt. That is how you will know what Genuine recovery looks like---that is how you will recognize the difference.....

sotired77

rescuer

Thanks all.

So, that’s that. My decision has been made. It’s over, for good. The gut feeling changed pretty fast!

She actually made the decision easy for me. Or easier, anyway. She came out of a one week detox and drank again four days later. Same pattern again. So now I’m done. I think I’ve done all I could over the years, and given enough chances. I can just see it happening again and again.

It is so hard to understand. She has had access to rehab, doctors, counsellors, meetings, online meetings, forums, all kinds of literature – all possible tools and resources. You can tempt a horse away from water, but you can’t make him not drink!

I told her she has to leave and she went to a friend’s place. Her family doesn’t want to take her in. The friend has too much on her hands and a complicated living situation with flatmates etc, so now AW is going to another friend’s place and then will get her own place (this is what her mother told me).

Nobody is willing to pay for her expensive rehab facility again, but there are cheaper options. She doesn’t want to take them, which for me is a bad sign.

I have developed a new codependent pattern over the past couple of days where I am not really talking to AW but spending way too long talking to her friend and her mother discussing what can be done and giving them advice about dealing with her and general knowledge about alcoholism. Ha! I’ve learnt from the thread on ‘Control’ here that this is just another kind of controlling behaviour, so I’m going to try to cut it down.

I am so heartbroken. We are SO compatible otherwise. We had just moved into a new place and were setting it up. We had such a wonderful vacation planned for the summer. Whole life planned. All gone.

I am even more heartbroken for her. I KNOW I’ll be fine but I’m not sure about her. She might manage true sobriety or she might deteriorate further. She really is a special person (yes, I know everyone is special and no one is unique, but she really does have some exceptional qualities). She loves me so much (that might have been a hindrance and not a help to her working on her own issues) and has never been mean or aggressive, but she is so damaged! When she is drunk sometimes the true depths of her depression comes out, and it is incredibly painful to see.

And the alcohol really twists the brain, it’s amazing. On the day she was leaving she was pleading with me saying if she is sober for 5 years could we be together again. It was so difficult for me yet I could imagine it being almost funny for an outsider listening in. I mean, she can’t stay sober for 5 days and she is talking about 5 years! And then, to put everything in even clearer perspective, it turned out that even while we were having this tearful conversation she had booze hidden in the house, which she then drank when I was out. She had been looking for her disulfiram earlier, and told me later that it was to prevent herself from drinking that booze. BUT SHE COULDN”T JUST THROW IT AWAY INSTEAD! I have seen this kind of thought process earlier so was not actually that surprised – but it’s still just incredible.

FeelingGreat

I know it's been said over and over, that if the A doesn't have a firm conviction about getting sober, it won't happen. Part of her problem was perhaps she felt she had no choice but to go to rehab, or counselling or meetings, but she didn't the determination never to drink. If she'd had that the treatment would have enhanced her recovery, but not caused it.

I'm sorry it turned out the way it did; you tried your best and probably so did she, but for now it's not enough.

DriGuy

Marriages have failed on a lot less. Frankly, I don't know how you did it.

trailmix

It is incredible and I'm sorry things turned out this way rescuer. I wish she had sought sobriety but that is not to be for now.

Perhaps the absolute best thing you can do (and have done) is get out of her way.

When she says things like the 5 year comment, that's probably what she is thinking when in a stupor or perhaps when "sober". If I could just do THIS I could turn all this around and everything would be fine. The fact that it's not doable without a recovery plan that she can actually stick to, well that is an aside in that particular thought process.

It's very sad.

I've read of others that have kept in close contact with family and friends for a period, trying to manage from afar. In the end it is a fruitless endeavour. I understand why you feel you must do it but the more you detach the better, for you. It's great that you are very aware of what you are now doing.

I wish you well and I also very much wish her well and that one day she will find the answers that will lead her to sobriety and a happy life.

NYCDoglvr

Yea, denial and rationalization are the cornerstones of alcoholism, both for the active drunk and those in recovery. I've been going to AA for over two decades and those who relapse stop coming to meetings. They get complacent and denial kicks in. Some come back, most don't. In the Big Book Bill Wilson says alcoholism is "cunning, baffling and powerful". I would never say I'll never drink again because how do I know? I have today, that's all.

Saltlamp