Courage to Follow Through on Upholding Boundaries
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Courage to Follow Through on Upholding Boundaries
I have set my boundary - I will not live with an active alcoholic. I've had the conversation with AH and the tension between us is level 10. Our communications are short, only about logistics, and unfriendly. We do not acknowledge each other's presence in a room. It's an especially horrible environment for the boys right now even though they don't know or understand anything. We do not raise our voices around them but it's a very cold, hostile environment. I hate this situation. I know they must be feeling it.
Even with the situation what it is, I am literally nauseated to think of carrying through with a divorce. Uprooting the boys out of this neighborhood where we have been for 2.5 years now where they have friends (sleepovers, run-around-the-block hide and seek, frequent impromptu outings with the other on-block families, such a good environment socially) and where they are both walking distance to their schools is so deeply painful to seriously consider. For me, I don't give a crap about the house personally - I would far rather be living in a smaller apartment - it's them that would be really losing out.
I would push to stay in this house for the kids but we can barely afford it as it is, so if AH moved into an apartment, we would be really tight, like I'm not sure we could even make our bills and the rent and the mortgage. Also, just venting, AH is the one who basically picked out this house - he is like SO attached to this dumb old 100 year old house with its single-paned windows, no bathtub (shower only), outrageous energy bills every winter, a home improvement work list a mile long, a crazy odd layout, and property taxes that just slay any future savings plan we might have. But it has this basement that he likes to use as his drinking place (I think his big dream is to drink and watch movies with the boys down there). I went along with buying this place even though I tried to back out after our offer was made but not yet accepted, he literally walked away from me when I expressed my concern, and I let it happen and here we are. Okay sorry didn't mean for this to turn into a crazy rant about the house.
Setting a boundary and having the courage to fully act to maintain and firm up that boundary is overwhelming me right now. I know our relationship is dead. I just want the best thing for the boys. As I read my words here, I know that leaving is the best thing for them. I'm going to see the attorney again tomorrow.
Thanks for listening.
Even with the situation what it is, I am literally nauseated to think of carrying through with a divorce. Uprooting the boys out of this neighborhood where we have been for 2.5 years now where they have friends (sleepovers, run-around-the-block hide and seek, frequent impromptu outings with the other on-block families, such a good environment socially) and where they are both walking distance to their schools is so deeply painful to seriously consider. For me, I don't give a crap about the house personally - I would far rather be living in a smaller apartment - it's them that would be really losing out.
I would push to stay in this house for the kids but we can barely afford it as it is, so if AH moved into an apartment, we would be really tight, like I'm not sure we could even make our bills and the rent and the mortgage. Also, just venting, AH is the one who basically picked out this house - he is like SO attached to this dumb old 100 year old house with its single-paned windows, no bathtub (shower only), outrageous energy bills every winter, a home improvement work list a mile long, a crazy odd layout, and property taxes that just slay any future savings plan we might have. But it has this basement that he likes to use as his drinking place (I think his big dream is to drink and watch movies with the boys down there). I went along with buying this place even though I tried to back out after our offer was made but not yet accepted, he literally walked away from me when I expressed my concern, and I let it happen and here we are. Okay sorry didn't mean for this to turn into a crazy rant about the house.
Setting a boundary and having the courage to fully act to maintain and firm up that boundary is overwhelming me right now. I know our relationship is dead. I just want the best thing for the boys. As I read my words here, I know that leaving is the best thing for them. I'm going to see the attorney again tomorrow.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear PerSe
Yours is yet another story about how there are no winners in the family of an addict. I am so sorry for your situation!!!
Children are pretty resilient, if you have to change to a different neighborhood. They might be under more stress living with your husband than you realize. And, as all of us know, it only gets worse with time.
Good luck. Keep coming back for support.
Yours is yet another story about how there are no winners in the family of an addict. I am so sorry for your situation!!!
Children are pretty resilient, if you have to change to a different neighborhood. They might be under more stress living with your husband than you realize. And, as all of us know, it only gets worse with time.
Good luck. Keep coming back for support.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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I sympathize with your current living arrangement perse, well I cringe actually. The whole ignoring the others presence, the hostility - terrible, I'm sorry you can't just pack up the kids and run a mile away.
However, that seems a bit impractical.
I don't know your kiddies, of course, but kids are adaptable. They will be fine and so will you, it will just take time. Small steps.
However, that seems a bit impractical.
I don't know your kiddies, of course, but kids are adaptable. They will be fine and so will you, it will just take time. Small steps.
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Join Date: Apr 2018
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However impractical or illogical, my experience has been:
Pray
Follow (ask for signs/help and open my heart and mind to seeing and hearing guidance)
Take leaps of faith
Say, "Thank you" --- often, sometimes before I even understand why.
Pray
Follow (ask for signs/help and open my heart and mind to seeing and hearing guidance)
Take leaps of faith
Say, "Thank you" --- often, sometimes before I even understand why.
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try not to project how you think the children might feel about moving house. or how you think you would feel if you were a child facing that proposition. and remember, you are moving house, not changing planets!!!
the very best thing is to get out from under the pall of living with active addiction. that will make a broom closet seem enjoyable! your kids know and sense a lot of the tension, whether they express it or not. boundaries get easier to uphold the more we put them into practice.
the very best thing is to get out from under the pall of living with active addiction. that will make a broom closet seem enjoyable! your kids know and sense a lot of the tension, whether they express it or not. boundaries get easier to uphold the more we put them into practice.
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PerSe…..I think that you are seriously underestimating the boys ability to adjust....You are future-tripping, in that respect, far too much, in my opinion...
Lol...but, PerSe, since you are in such a future-tripping frame of mind.....
One day the boys will reach 18yrs. of age....and, after living for many more years in this situation....they will ask..."Mamma, why did you make us stay?!"....what will your answer be.....
Will you say....."I did it for you, so that you could always live in the same house."
"I didn't believe that you could adjust to moving"...…"I thought that alcoholism was less damaging to you than moving to another neighborhood".....
At that point, it will be very sad, because it will be too late to make a different choice.
In fact, the teen age years can become pure hell...because, by then, the boys, will likely begin to act-out their feelings....the ones that they are likely just stuffing down, right now....
Lol...but, PerSe, since you are in such a future-tripping frame of mind.....
One day the boys will reach 18yrs. of age....and, after living for many more years in this situation....they will ask..."Mamma, why did you make us stay?!"....what will your answer be.....
Will you say....."I did it for you, so that you could always live in the same house."
"I didn't believe that you could adjust to moving"...…"I thought that alcoholism was less damaging to you than moving to another neighborhood".....
At that point, it will be very sad, because it will be too late to make a different choice.
In fact, the teen age years can become pure hell...because, by then, the boys, will likely begin to act-out their feelings....the ones that they are likely just stuffing down, right now....
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Upholding my boundaries dealt the fatal blow to my already wounded relationship.
I won’t have a drunk in my house any more and the shock of me sticking to my principles also caused mammoth rows and massive detachment from me much as you say.
He chose to test my boundaries rather than to agree to them but still managed to make it sound as though it’s all my fault
I won’t have a drunk in my house any more and the shock of me sticking to my principles also caused mammoth rows and massive detachment from me much as you say.
He chose to test my boundaries rather than to agree to them but still managed to make it sound as though it’s all my fault
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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As always, everyone's words are so comforting and yet challenging in an inspiring way all at the same time. Thank you.
Dandylion, yes, what you predict is very likely. I am future tripping but I guess I need to weigh possible outcomes. I will be deeply considering this.
The boys and I came back from an event this evening and here he is already through a bottle of wine and ready to hit a six-pack of beer. And it's kind of late so I asked the boys to get ready for bed, but he's in there chatting with them, being the fun dad, as he sips that last glass of wine, and once again the boys see how dad is so fun to be with once he's had his wine and mom's such a stricty (stricty - I think I made that up lol). Three hours ago AH was acting all grouchy but now, he's just easy and mellow, so fun to sit and talk to. It makes my stomach turn. It makes my stomach turn way more than the thought of them adjusting to a new apartment.
Dandylion, yes, what you predict is very likely. I am future tripping but I guess I need to weigh possible outcomes. I will be deeply considering this.
The boys and I came back from an event this evening and here he is already through a bottle of wine and ready to hit a six-pack of beer. And it's kind of late so I asked the boys to get ready for bed, but he's in there chatting with them, being the fun dad, as he sips that last glass of wine, and once again the boys see how dad is so fun to be with once he's had his wine and mom's such a stricty (stricty - I think I made that up lol). Three hours ago AH was acting all grouchy but now, he's just easy and mellow, so fun to sit and talk to. It makes my stomach turn. It makes my stomach turn way more than the thought of them adjusting to a new apartment.
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I just gotta add one more thing - is this typical of alcoholic dads? So he talks to our boys like they are adults. He expects adult-like behavior from them and gets intensely harsh when they act childish. Especially with our older son who has ADHD symptoms (that we are addressing but are choosing to not medicate) - he just has no patience and he comes across as condemning. Don't get me wrong, I totally fuss at my kids, but I just feel like it's different.
Ugh I just loathe his drunken voice. In there telling them fishing stories while these boys have to get up for school tomorrow.
Ugh I just loathe his drunken voice. In there telling them fishing stories while these boys have to get up for school tomorrow.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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I know what you mean, about how the active A talked as far as our son. Just no patience and very loud commands, sometimes yelling, barking at him. Not using a kid-friendly approach.
I am dreading what to do when AH leaves inpatient in 10 days. I face the predicament you do, about the feeling in the house when we're all here being unhappy. I don't feel like I can count on much from AH when he gets back here. I love my son having friends up and down the street, all the stuff you listed. I am grateful AH went to inpatient. I just think a year apart is what needs to happen, according to many ppl here and to my therapist. In your situation, it sounds like you are facing pulling the trigger on this too. I've figured DS's recent behavior is related to the absence of his father, our last fight, and some sensory processing problems. I also think the unpredictability of AH being gone for outpatient last summer, active in A Oct.-February, and gone for a month now...has also affected DS. I am sharing this in case it helps to know you're not alone in facing such a decision. It's a gut-level thing. I found an empty whiskey bottle, hidden last night, and I knew he'd switched from beer but it still stung. When there is no trust, it sucks. Sending you a huge hug.
I am dreading what to do when AH leaves inpatient in 10 days. I face the predicament you do, about the feeling in the house when we're all here being unhappy. I don't feel like I can count on much from AH when he gets back here. I love my son having friends up and down the street, all the stuff you listed. I am grateful AH went to inpatient. I just think a year apart is what needs to happen, according to many ppl here and to my therapist. In your situation, it sounds like you are facing pulling the trigger on this too. I've figured DS's recent behavior is related to the absence of his father, our last fight, and some sensory processing problems. I also think the unpredictability of AH being gone for outpatient last summer, active in A Oct.-February, and gone for a month now...has also affected DS. I am sharing this in case it helps to know you're not alone in facing such a decision. It's a gut-level thing. I found an empty whiskey bottle, hidden last night, and I knew he'd switched from beer but it still stung. When there is no trust, it sucks. Sending you a huge hug.
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Originally Posted by PerSe 
Ugh I just loathe his drunken voice. In there telling them fishing stories while these boys have to get up for school tomorrow.
Unless he was drunk. Then he wanted to talk to everyone, so we would all troop up to his room (Mom included) and listen to him tell stories.
We all did this to keep him happy. It was like a duty. We pretended to be interested mostly. Your boys might be doing the same thing, hard to say. It's required behaviour. What would happen if they said no? No I don't want to listen to your fishing story, or any of your stories that you repeat over and over and over again. And as long as everyone is listening or taking their turn listening then no one is arguing.
They may appear happy talking to him or they may just be keeping the peace. They have not forgotten how grouchy he is and they know the tension in the house when he is there, they won't forget that either.
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clarity888, thanks for your reply. I am really sorry you are going through the situation you describe. I would guess that having a kind and loving mom like you sound like will go a long way toward helping your son grow and be well. Many folks have recommended Alateen to me for my kids and when they get just a bit older I will probably get them into that. I heard there was an Alakid too for the younger kiddos. (I haven't tried that yet either.) Maybe a possibility? It really does help to know we are not alone in making a decision like this, so thank you for the post. I wish you and your DS wellness and peace.
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PerSe…...to me...it sounds like your husband's basic approach to the kids is more of the Authoritarian variety. Stern; rigid adherence to lots of rules; lack of appreciation to the emotional needs of the child....(except when he is disinhibited by the alcohol,,,and "happy")…..
I think that this is probably more of a personality style of his than a feature of alcoholism, in general. Alcoholics come in every personality style....Basic personality styles are not very amenable to change.....
From what I have learned about ADHD...is that an understanding of the condition and patience....patience...patience is in order.....
I think that this is probably more of a personality style of his than a feature of alcoholism, in general. Alcoholics come in every personality style....Basic personality styles are not very amenable to change.....
From what I have learned about ADHD...is that an understanding of the condition and patience....patience...patience is in order.....
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PerSe….one more thought...lol.
I can remember something that stuck in my mind...from a class that I was taking about Aging. They spoke of research on what factors seemed important for those who reached very older ages....90 plus years....world wide.
and, were, generally, more happy than unhappy.....
There were several factors, of course, but,they found that the basic ability to ADJUST TO CHANGE....to necessary change.
In life, sooner or later, there is going to be some kind of change to adjust to...
To rigidly fight all change appeared to be a negative, rather than a positive, for good mental health...
That has been important for me to remember...
Just saying.....
I can remember something that stuck in my mind...from a class that I was taking about Aging. They spoke of research on what factors seemed important for those who reached very older ages....90 plus years....world wide.
and, were, generally, more happy than unhappy.....
There were several factors, of course, but,they found that the basic ability to ADJUST TO CHANGE....to necessary change.
In life, sooner or later, there is going to be some kind of change to adjust to...
To rigidly fight all change appeared to be a negative, rather than a positive, for good mental health...
That has been important for me to remember...
Just saying.....
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 83
My ex would act like that around his kids. I remember coming home from work and they were watching an 18 horror film and they were probably 9 and 7. He was drunk...not out of it...Merry drunk and free of all responsibility and inhibition. So obviously I was painted the bad person when I turned it off.
until the nightmares started back at their mums.
He was weird...he would be fun and games and chatty but at the first opportunity would flip and be snappy. He’d also fall asleep happy and wake up vile.
Eggshells.
until the nightmares started back at their mums.
He was weird...he would be fun and games and chatty but at the first opportunity would flip and be snappy. He’d also fall asleep happy and wake up vile.
Eggshells.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Onefortheditch…..I have got to laugh at your phrase...."fall asleep and wake up vile"......so true. Almost like body snatching.....
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"In our lives, change is unavoidable, loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change, lies our happiness and freedom." - Buddha.
This came up on my meditation app this morning. Feeling grateful and at peace in this moment, trusting my higher power to help me see truth and new possibilities.
This came up on my meditation app this morning. Feeling grateful and at peace in this moment, trusting my higher power to help me see truth and new possibilities.
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A few points here I can agree with.
We walk on eggshells in our house. The only peace we find is when AH is at work or sleeping/passed out. Our kids tune him out as soon as he opens his mouth. Doesn't even matter what he is talking about. He turns on inappropriate shows/movies and tries to bond with them over it. Saturday, he sat our 15 year old down and MADE him watch American Pie while he ran commentary over it. It was absurd. I think he has delusions of drinking buddies too...that plan already crashed and burned with our daughter and she is in recovery now as well.
I am proud of my boys when they have the courage to stand up and leave a room while he is telling stories or some crazy lecture about everyone hating him and how we have to band together against our enemies.
Sending lots of love to you as you move forward with these big decisions. Your kids will be ok....they will see your strength.
We walk on eggshells in our house. The only peace we find is when AH is at work or sleeping/passed out. Our kids tune him out as soon as he opens his mouth. Doesn't even matter what he is talking about. He turns on inappropriate shows/movies and tries to bond with them over it. Saturday, he sat our 15 year old down and MADE him watch American Pie while he ran commentary over it. It was absurd. I think he has delusions of drinking buddies too...that plan already crashed and burned with our daughter and she is in recovery now as well.
I am proud of my boys when they have the courage to stand up and leave a room while he is telling stories or some crazy lecture about everyone hating him and how we have to band together against our enemies.
Sending lots of love to you as you move forward with these big decisions. Your kids will be ok....they will see your strength.
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