Husband going into rehab today - I hope
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Join Date: Mar 2019
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Husband going into rehab today - I hope
Hello everyone... I haven't posted on this site before but need to get my thoughts down somewhere. As I type my husband is drunk and asleep on the sofa next to me. He's been an alcoholic for years - not drinking every day, but in a clear pattern where he doesn't drink for 7-12 days, then relapses again and continues drinking for anything from a day or two up to a week, then the cycle starts again.
The dramatic swings between ups and downs are getting worse, it's draining and exhausting and I've had enough. We have a seven year old daughter and I am very aware that as time goes on she will also be more and more affected. So a couple of weeks ago I made the decision to tell him that either he needed to try in-patient rehab or we would have to split up. I thought he would be sceptical but to my surprise he agreed to rehab almost at once. We found a private clinic (we are in the UK, it is extremely expensive but for once in my life I am in a place where I can afford it) and he has been booked in to stay for a month, starting this afternoon. He has been ok about it over the past week, despite a few wobbles, but as of yesterday, he has clearly freaked out completely and begun a drinking binge.
We have to leave in a couple of hours and I am so scared that I won't even be able to get him into the car. I am leaving him to sleep for the moment in the hope that it will sober him up slightly (it has been about three hours now since he had a drink), but am equally scared that if he does wake up and is capable of walking and talking, he will try and leave the house again to get more alcohol, or refuse to go to the clinic. If he was sober he wouldn't be like this but as I'm sure you all know, their minds can change and they can act very differently when drinking. I can't physically stop him from leaving, so not sure what I can do. Yesterday I even tried taking his debit card away so that he couldn't buy any more alcohol but he got very angry and told me that if I didn't give it back he was going to call the police and accuse me of coercive control. I felt the situation was escalating and to be honest felt it was probably correct that I shouldn't withhold it, so gave it back.
Not even sure why I am posting, just looking for some solidarity I think. I think most people on this site are in the US so by the time you all wake up I guess he will either have gone to the clinic or not! I have made it clear that this is the last roll of the dice for me. His intentions to give up are there, he isn't in denial and has been trying AA on and off for years, but nothing seems to stick. If rehab doesn't make it click for him (or if he doesn't go) I will have to leave him, which in itself raises a whole lot of other terrifying problems, but I can't think that far ahead yet. Just hoping today goes the way it should. Thanks for reading and sympathies to anyone else in this situation.
The dramatic swings between ups and downs are getting worse, it's draining and exhausting and I've had enough. We have a seven year old daughter and I am very aware that as time goes on she will also be more and more affected. So a couple of weeks ago I made the decision to tell him that either he needed to try in-patient rehab or we would have to split up. I thought he would be sceptical but to my surprise he agreed to rehab almost at once. We found a private clinic (we are in the UK, it is extremely expensive but for once in my life I am in a place where I can afford it) and he has been booked in to stay for a month, starting this afternoon. He has been ok about it over the past week, despite a few wobbles, but as of yesterday, he has clearly freaked out completely and begun a drinking binge.
We have to leave in a couple of hours and I am so scared that I won't even be able to get him into the car. I am leaving him to sleep for the moment in the hope that it will sober him up slightly (it has been about three hours now since he had a drink), but am equally scared that if he does wake up and is capable of walking and talking, he will try and leave the house again to get more alcohol, or refuse to go to the clinic. If he was sober he wouldn't be like this but as I'm sure you all know, their minds can change and they can act very differently when drinking. I can't physically stop him from leaving, so not sure what I can do. Yesterday I even tried taking his debit card away so that he couldn't buy any more alcohol but he got very angry and told me that if I didn't give it back he was going to call the police and accuse me of coercive control. I felt the situation was escalating and to be honest felt it was probably correct that I shouldn't withhold it, so gave it back.
Not even sure why I am posting, just looking for some solidarity I think. I think most people on this site are in the US so by the time you all wake up I guess he will either have gone to the clinic or not! I have made it clear that this is the last roll of the dice for me. His intentions to give up are there, he isn't in denial and has been trying AA on and off for years, but nothing seems to stick. If rehab doesn't make it click for him (or if he doesn't go) I will have to leave him, which in itself raises a whole lot of other terrifying problems, but I can't think that far ahead yet. Just hoping today goes the way it should. Thanks for reading and sympathies to anyone else in this situation.
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Join Date: Mar 2019
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Thank you both. He has gone! In the end it was not as hard as I feared to get him there, he did try and say he was going out for a walk when he woke up but I talked him out of it and in the end he was quite docile.
I'm worried about how he will cope in there - he has issues with authority and I know he will push back against the rules - but am trying to tell myself there is nothing I can do now, it is down to him. I'm calling in about three hours to get an update on how he has settled in. I won't be able to talk to him for the first seven days though as he isn't allowed his phone until then, which again I know will be hard.
I'm worried about how he will cope in there - he has issues with authority and I know he will push back against the rules - but am trying to tell myself there is nothing I can do now, it is down to him. I'm calling in about three hours to get an update on how he has settled in. I won't be able to talk to him for the first seven days though as he isn't allowed his phone until then, which again I know will be hard.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
We may "know", yet we don't really know what's going on with someone else.
Does this center have a family week opportunity?
Al-Anon and Celebrate Recovery are additional good resources for us, as family members of an alcoholic.
Does this center have a family week opportunity?
Al-Anon and Celebrate Recovery are additional good resources for us, as family members of an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Hi Silver and welcome, so glad he decided to go.
I think it's probably a really good thing that you can't talk for seven days. Perhaps think of it this way. Alcoholics going through withdrawal are really grouchy and tend to be mean (in general), you have probably witnessed this many times over. This time you don't have to.
That's good for you and good for him. Him hurting you is not good for either of you and ultimately damages your relationship.
I'm sure they have seen people with authority issues before and they have tools to help them deal with it. Thankfully he is now surrounded by professionals.
I wouldn't worry about him, he will be successful there or he won't, 100 percent out of your control.
I hope he stays and gets the help he needs. Have you tried Al-Anon at all?
I think it's probably a really good thing that you can't talk for seven days. Perhaps think of it this way. Alcoholics going through withdrawal are really grouchy and tend to be mean (in general), you have probably witnessed this many times over. This time you don't have to.
That's good for you and good for him. Him hurting you is not good for either of you and ultimately damages your relationship.
I'm sure they have seen people with authority issues before and they have tools to help them deal with it. Thankfully he is now surrounded by professionals.
I wouldn't worry about him, he will be successful there or he won't, 100 percent out of your control.
I hope he stays and gets the help he needs. Have you tried Al-Anon at all?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I'm worried about how he will cope in there
please remind yourself that he is an adult in a professional therapeutic environment, not an 8 yr old dropped off at summer camp for the first time. he is exactly where he needs to be to get the best possible start on a sober life. it's up to him on whether he will be grateful for the opportunity and seize recovery like a life preserver.
now it's your turn. what are you doing for you?
please remind yourself that he is an adult in a professional therapeutic environment, not an 8 yr old dropped off at summer camp for the first time. he is exactly where he needs to be to get the best possible start on a sober life. it's up to him on whether he will be grateful for the opportunity and seize recovery like a life preserver.
now it's your turn. what are you doing for you?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm worried about how he will cope in there - he has issues with authority and I know he will push back against the rules
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
Sigh of relief.
Consider the seven days a blessing. When I did rehab, aside from being very ill and on medical detox for the first week or two, I absolutely needed to focus on ME, and MY getting sober. It's kind of a paradox, but getting away from loved ones is very helpful in sobriety. Think about it. You've done everything you can to try and get your husband to sobriety. It hasn't work (because it NEVER works). Isolation from his daily routine and being forced to throw himself into meetings and counseling and HOPEFULLY break the cycle and start living a real life for himself...and you. He's also got to break free of the addictive voice that has been ruling his life for, well, probably all of his life.
I think that the calls to get yourself into AlAnon are right on. You can only protect yourself and your children at this point, his sobriety is (and always was) solely up to him. I would also suggest psychotherapy if you have access, preferably with someone with experience and/or certification in counseling substance abuse disorder. My therapist has been in recovery for 10 years from sex addiction and multiple drug addictions wrapped up around his addictive sexual patterns. His insights in this area could come from nowhere else.
I came out of my inpatient rehab with the resolve to never drink again. I followed it with outpatient two months later, and shortly into that I knew that I would never drink or take drugs again. I have no reason to, and in fact the thought of taking a sip of hard alcohol is revolting to me, and having that poison in my body in any form is equally repellant. However, that's ME, I'm a one-and-done when it comes to rehab, but only answerable to me (and my dog). When it's someone else, you can't be in their head, let alone influence their behavior, and thus are always in the position of waiting for the other shoe to drop, especially if you've witnessed multiple relapses.
PLEASE take care of yourself and trust in the rehab process that they're doing the best they can to help him on his way to sobriety. Sobriety will be a long process for both of you. If you feel it's too much, nobody will fault you for getting out of the relationship.
Consider the seven days a blessing. When I did rehab, aside from being very ill and on medical detox for the first week or two, I absolutely needed to focus on ME, and MY getting sober. It's kind of a paradox, but getting away from loved ones is very helpful in sobriety. Think about it. You've done everything you can to try and get your husband to sobriety. It hasn't work (because it NEVER works). Isolation from his daily routine and being forced to throw himself into meetings and counseling and HOPEFULLY break the cycle and start living a real life for himself...and you. He's also got to break free of the addictive voice that has been ruling his life for, well, probably all of his life.
I think that the calls to get yourself into AlAnon are right on. You can only protect yourself and your children at this point, his sobriety is (and always was) solely up to him. I would also suggest psychotherapy if you have access, preferably with someone with experience and/or certification in counseling substance abuse disorder. My therapist has been in recovery for 10 years from sex addiction and multiple drug addictions wrapped up around his addictive sexual patterns. His insights in this area could come from nowhere else.
I came out of my inpatient rehab with the resolve to never drink again. I followed it with outpatient two months later, and shortly into that I knew that I would never drink or take drugs again. I have no reason to, and in fact the thought of taking a sip of hard alcohol is revolting to me, and having that poison in my body in any form is equally repellant. However, that's ME, I'm a one-and-done when it comes to rehab, but only answerable to me (and my dog). When it's someone else, you can't be in their head, let alone influence their behavior, and thus are always in the position of waiting for the other shoe to drop, especially if you've witnessed multiple relapses.
PLEASE take care of yourself and trust in the rehab process that they're doing the best they can to help him on his way to sobriety. Sobriety will be a long process for both of you. If you feel it's too much, nobody will fault you for getting out of the relationship.
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Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 6
Thank you all. I think you are probably right in saying that I should try and let go for a bit and take the first seven days in particular as time for me. I called the clinic last night as they suggested, and they told me that he seemed to be settling in well and was talking to the others, which is good. I suppose I just need to trust that they will look after him and help him? - they certainly have much more expertise in that area than I do.
Unfortunately there is not a lot in the way of Al-Anon in my area, and what there is tends to be at difficult times (I work, and obviously need to look after my daughter too). I will look again though and see if I can find a meeting that I could make. Also yes, the clinic does run a family group and there is a session next Sunday that I am going to go to, which I think will be good.
In the meantime I'm just trying to relax and focus on myself and my daughter. It's 10pm here now so I'm going to have a bath and some chocolate (my drug of choice!!) and then go to bed. Work tomorrow and then I am seeing a friend on Saturday afternoon. My daughter does drama classes on Saturday morning so I'll have a couple of hours to myself when I can just wander round the shops, go to a cafe and read, etc.
It feels strange and quiet here this evening without him and I miss him, but at the same time there is a sense of relief and calm. It's like I have said goodbye to two different people - the sober him who I love and want to hang out with, and the drunk him who I can hardly bear to be in the same house as. Very strange.
Unfortunately there is not a lot in the way of Al-Anon in my area, and what there is tends to be at difficult times (I work, and obviously need to look after my daughter too). I will look again though and see if I can find a meeting that I could make. Also yes, the clinic does run a family group and there is a session next Sunday that I am going to go to, which I think will be good.
In the meantime I'm just trying to relax and focus on myself and my daughter. It's 10pm here now so I'm going to have a bath and some chocolate (my drug of choice!!) and then go to bed. Work tomorrow and then I am seeing a friend on Saturday afternoon. My daughter does drama classes on Saturday morning so I'll have a couple of hours to myself when I can just wander round the shops, go to a cafe and read, etc.
It feels strange and quiet here this evening without him and I miss him, but at the same time there is a sense of relief and calm. It's like I have said goodbye to two different people - the sober him who I love and want to hang out with, and the drunk him who I can hardly bear to be in the same house as. Very strange.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Silver.....yes, it probably does seem "strange' to you...but, it is such a common story to those of us who have been through it!
Alanon groups often have child care there...in adjacent rooms...where she can visit or do homework, etc. Just call ahead of time, to be sure....
This is an excellent time to read one of the most recommended books, in this forum---"Co-dependent No More".....you can get it through amazon.com and on kindle...or the library. It is an easy read, and I am sure that you will find a lot of it resonating with you...
If you start now, you can get it read in the next 7days. It would be freat if you read it before the family meeting...!
Alanon groups often have child care there...in adjacent rooms...where she can visit or do homework, etc. Just call ahead of time, to be sure....
This is an excellent time to read one of the most recommended books, in this forum---"Co-dependent No More".....you can get it through amazon.com and on kindle...or the library. It is an easy read, and I am sure that you will find a lot of it resonating with you...
If you start now, you can get it read in the next 7days. It would be freat if you read it before the family meeting...!
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Join Date: Mar 2019
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Thank you! I have just ordered the book via Amazon UK and it will be with me tomorrow. I will definitely read it.
I suppose everything I am feeling is pretty "normal" under the circumstances - it's just that it is the first time I have really stopped and thought about it independently of him. Normally I am very focused on him and his moods, always trying to monitor him and gauge how he is doing. Not to say I am selfless, quite the opposite at times, but nonetheless I think I am so used to being his emotional barometer that I don't tend to think about my feelings other than directly in relation to him, if that makes any sense.
I suppose everything I am feeling is pretty "normal" under the circumstances - it's just that it is the first time I have really stopped and thought about it independently of him. Normally I am very focused on him and his moods, always trying to monitor him and gauge how he is doing. Not to say I am selfless, quite the opposite at times, but nonetheless I think I am so used to being his emotional barometer that I don't tend to think about my feelings other than directly in relation to him, if that makes any sense.
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Join Date: Mar 2019
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Struggling a bit today. I called the clinic as they'd suggested for an update and the woman I spoke to basically said he was doing OK, going to all the groups etc. and doing what he needed to do... but she also mentioned he was a "bit quiet today" and my brain has totally ignored everything else and latched on to those three words and I am panicking about why he might be quiet and what is going through his head. I keep trying to tell myself that he's an adult and he will cope but the message isn't really getting through. I suspect this is why I need the co-dependency book. Annoyingly as I was out when it arrived it's been sent to the post office depot but I can go and collect it tomorrow.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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do me a favor....go to your door or window, or step aside.
now cross your arms across your chest and DEMAND that whatever the weather is currently where you are, that it CHANGE and change NOW.
if it's sunny, make it rain.
if it's snowy, make it 64 degrees.
can you do it?
that's about as much control you have over your husband's thoughts and emotions. he is an autonomous individual with the RIGHT to not have others interfere and try to change whatever he's thinking or feelings. so he's quiet. BIG DEAL. that is his choice.
what is it you don't want to deal with in your own feelings???
now cross your arms across your chest and DEMAND that whatever the weather is currently where you are, that it CHANGE and change NOW.
if it's sunny, make it rain.
if it's snowy, make it 64 degrees.
can you do it?
that's about as much control you have over your husband's thoughts and emotions. he is an autonomous individual with the RIGHT to not have others interfere and try to change whatever he's thinking or feelings. so he's quiet. BIG DEAL. that is his choice.
what is it you don't want to deal with in your own feelings???
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Join Date: Mar 2019
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Yes, I see what you mean. I think there is a fine line for me between caring about his feelings, and wanting to change them/feeling like I should. The former is ok (I assume - it would be odd not to care about how people close to you are feeling) but the latter isn't really and I think I often swing towards that.
The thing at the root of my own feelings is that I'm scared, I suppose. I'm scared that if this experience doesn't help him, then I'll probably have to leave him. I know I can't keep going on the way we have been. So I desperately want it to work out, but you're completely right that I can't influence that. I've done what I can by paying for the rehab and getting him there, so I guess I need to try and let go for a while now. These are hard thought patterns to break though.
The thing at the root of my own feelings is that I'm scared, I suppose. I'm scared that if this experience doesn't help him, then I'll probably have to leave him. I know I can't keep going on the way we have been. So I desperately want it to work out, but you're completely right that I can't influence that. I've done what I can by paying for the rehab and getting him there, so I guess I need to try and let go for a while now. These are hard thought patterns to break though.
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