I'm Leaving
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
I'm Leaving
I don't know if divorce is what I want. So I've made the decision to move out when our lease is up at the end of April. I've tried and tried for almost two years, and I don't think I can continue to try and pretend like all of this is fine and I'm happy. I don't want to go too deep into my story-- I've posted here several times throughout the past year and half and I'm sure some may recognize my name.
I feel like I have a twenty-one year old roommate rather than a husband. His life revolves around video games, it seems. And of course, drinking. I have to acknowledge that he has made attempts to cut back. He drinks much less during the week, but the amount he consumes on weekends is out of control. And I hate to say it, but I have no idea how much or little he is drinking on the night when I am working late and can't be home. He's started making an attempt to come to bed more instead of passing out on the couch, but just last week he was up until 4am playing video games...which I feel a man who is thirty-eight years old should no longer be doing.
I'm just tired. I asked for help cleaning the house. He cleaned the kitchen, threw a fit and said 'it sucked' and he didn't want to do it anymore. Proceeded to lay on the living room floor while I cleaned the rest of the house. He kept putting off doing our taxes (it's always like pulling teeth, every year) so finally I did both of ours myself while he sat next to me and played video games. Even when I said 'I think this might go faster if you helped me', he just said 'No, I don't think it would'.
I'm just tired of feeling like I am in a partnership all alone. It doesn't even feel like a marriage-- there's a lot missing. Including romance, intimacy, etc. I think it's been about ten months since we even touched one another. I've tried counseling. I went alone and he refused to come. I tried NA, but he wouldn't even hear about AA. So I went and looked at an apartment for myself last week. Then I filled out an application for a one bedroom and am waiting to hear back that I am approved. I think it might be a wake up call for him. If not, I am out of an unhappy situation regardless.
I just don't know how to bring up this conversation. I don't know how to say I'm getting my own place without devastating him. And when do I tell him? After I the apartment in place? I think it would be very awkward to continue to live together until the end of our current lease once I tell him. Not to mention, we have so much stuff. I don't even know where to begin dividing it up or how. I really don't want to get a lawyer involved, and I don't want divorce. I just want to separate for a while and see if that helps, or if it proves this relationship is at an end.
Any advice is great appreciated.
I feel like I have a twenty-one year old roommate rather than a husband. His life revolves around video games, it seems. And of course, drinking. I have to acknowledge that he has made attempts to cut back. He drinks much less during the week, but the amount he consumes on weekends is out of control. And I hate to say it, but I have no idea how much or little he is drinking on the night when I am working late and can't be home. He's started making an attempt to come to bed more instead of passing out on the couch, but just last week he was up until 4am playing video games...which I feel a man who is thirty-eight years old should no longer be doing.
I'm just tired. I asked for help cleaning the house. He cleaned the kitchen, threw a fit and said 'it sucked' and he didn't want to do it anymore. Proceeded to lay on the living room floor while I cleaned the rest of the house. He kept putting off doing our taxes (it's always like pulling teeth, every year) so finally I did both of ours myself while he sat next to me and played video games. Even when I said 'I think this might go faster if you helped me', he just said 'No, I don't think it would'.
I'm just tired of feeling like I am in a partnership all alone. It doesn't even feel like a marriage-- there's a lot missing. Including romance, intimacy, etc. I think it's been about ten months since we even touched one another. I've tried counseling. I went alone and he refused to come. I tried NA, but he wouldn't even hear about AA. So I went and looked at an apartment for myself last week. Then I filled out an application for a one bedroom and am waiting to hear back that I am approved. I think it might be a wake up call for him. If not, I am out of an unhappy situation regardless.
I just don't know how to bring up this conversation. I don't know how to say I'm getting my own place without devastating him. And when do I tell him? After I the apartment in place? I think it would be very awkward to continue to live together until the end of our current lease once I tell him. Not to mention, we have so much stuff. I don't even know where to begin dividing it up or how. I really don't want to get a lawyer involved, and I don't want divorce. I just want to separate for a while and see if that helps, or if it proves this relationship is at an end.
Any advice is great appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by emmab219 
I don't know if divorce is what I want. So I've made the decision to move out when our lease is up at the end of April. I've tried and tried for almost two years, and I don't think I can continue to try and pretend like all of this is fine and I'm happy. I don't want to go too deep into my story-- I've posted here several times throughout the past year and half and I'm sure some may recognize my name.
I feel like I have a twenty-one year old roommate rather than a husband. His life revolves around video games, it seems. And of course, drinking. I have to acknowledge that he has made attempts to cut back. He drinks much less during the week, but the amount he consumes on weekends is out of control. And I hate to say it, but I have no idea how much or little he is drinking on the night when I am working late and can't be home. He's started making an attempt to come to bed more instead of passing out on the couch, but just last week he was up until 4am playing video games...which I feel a man who is thirty-eight years old should no longer be doing.
I'm just tired. I asked for help cleaning the house. He cleaned the kitchen, threw a fit and said 'it sucked' and he didn't want to do it anymore. Proceeded to lay on the living room floor while I cleaned the rest of the house. He kept putting off doing our taxes (it's always like pulling teeth, every year) so finally I did both of ours myself while he sat next to me and played video games. Even when I said 'I think this might go faster if you helped me', he just said 'No, I don't think it would'.
I'm just tired of feeling like I am in a partnership all alone. It doesn't even feel like a marriage-- there's a lot missing. Including romance, intimacy, etc. I think it's been about ten months since we even touched one another. I've tried counseling. I went alone and he refused to come. I tried NA, but he wouldn't even hear about AA. So I went and looked at an apartment for myself last week. Then I filled out an application for a one bedroom and am waiting to hear back that I am approved. I think it might be a wake up call for him. If not, I am out of an unhappy situation regardless.
I just don't know how to bring up this conversation. I don't know how to say I'm getting my own place without devastating him. And when do I tell him? After I the apartment in place? I think it would be very awkward to continue to live together until the end of our current lease once I tell him. Not to mention, we have so much stuff. I don't even know where to begin dividing it up or how. I really don't want to get a lawyer involved, and I don't want divorce. I just want to separate for a while and see if that helps, or if it proves this relationship is at an end.
Any advice is great appreciated.
I feel like I have a twenty-one year old roommate rather than a husband. His life revolves around video games, it seems. And of course, drinking. I have to acknowledge that he has made attempts to cut back. He drinks much less during the week, but the amount he consumes on weekends is out of control. And I hate to say it, but I have no idea how much or little he is drinking on the night when I am working late and can't be home. He's started making an attempt to come to bed more instead of passing out on the couch, but just last week he was up until 4am playing video games...which I feel a man who is thirty-eight years old should no longer be doing.
I'm just tired. I asked for help cleaning the house. He cleaned the kitchen, threw a fit and said 'it sucked' and he didn't want to do it anymore. Proceeded to lay on the living room floor while I cleaned the rest of the house. He kept putting off doing our taxes (it's always like pulling teeth, every year) so finally I did both of ours myself while he sat next to me and played video games. Even when I said 'I think this might go faster if you helped me', he just said 'No, I don't think it would'.
I'm just tired of feeling like I am in a partnership all alone. It doesn't even feel like a marriage-- there's a lot missing. Including romance, intimacy, etc. I think it's been about ten months since we even touched one another. I've tried counseling. I went alone and he refused to come. I tried NA, but he wouldn't even hear about AA. So I went and looked at an apartment for myself last week. Then I filled out an application for a one bedroom and am waiting to hear back that I am approved. I think it might be a wake up call for him. If not, I am out of an unhappy situation regardless.
I just don't know how to bring up this conversation. I don't know how to say I'm getting my own place without devastating him. And when do I tell him? After I the apartment in place? I think it would be very awkward to continue to live together until the end of our current lease once I tell him. Not to mention, we have so much stuff. I don't even know where to begin dividing it up or how. I really don't want to get a lawyer involved, and I don't want divorce. I just want to separate for a while and see if that helps, or if it proves this relationship is at an end.
Any advice is great appreciated.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 106
I'm in the SAME situation! I've been looking for places to move , but haven't had any luck yet. I figure when I do find a place I will tell him then. Until then it's just been a threat I haven't been able to live up to. I've been attending Al-Anon and that has helped so much. But I still hang on to this rope of hope that he will have an awakening regarding his drinking and how much it has deteriorated our relationship. But with every broken promise and drunk night that he stumbles home and bold face lies - it all just sets us back to square one of "trying to make things better". I can not spend my life on this rollercoaster of recovery when there has been no attempt on his part to work the steps and get healthy or just plain care about his health and the well being of our relationship. I feel like I live with a teenage roommate not the man of my dreams that I can build a life with. I've had to face these facts hard while he on the other hand is enjoying life partying with his friends at the bar etc. I've been paralyzed with depression over it. and ask myself what did I do in a past life to live in such pain now when all I'm fighting for is a meaningful relationship!? I don't know.... but honestly the ONLY good thing that has come out of this is Al-Anon and the self realization I've had since attending the meetings and being able to be there for others who are going through the same things. We can't throw our lives away waiting on someone to respect us and care for us when they don't even respect or care for themselves. I feel for you and I hope you find peace of mind so you can live life with out this road block xox
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
em…..I am giving you a link to a website that you may find useful. I realize that you don't want a divorce....so, don't be put off by the title of the website...lol...
It is educational in nature, and is arranged by state.....
Even if you are just separating...you should still know all of your rights and what his rights are, too...
Just knowing, can be comforting...
Knowledge is power....
www.womansDivorce.com
It is educational in nature, and is arranged by state.....
Even if you are just separating...you should still know all of your rights and what his rights are, too...
Just knowing, can be comforting...
Knowledge is power....
www.womansDivorce.com
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Emma, after your description of how he approaches your marriage, with drinking only a part of the picture, I'm surprised you have any hesitation at all. It's great to work as a partnership with your spouse towards some goal, but he's checked out almost completely. And you should not be treated like a domestic, but as an equal partner.
He may be devastated, but I wouldn't count on it, in fact he might be relieved because he can drink unhindered and play video games as much as he wants.
By all means delay the divorce thing, but be careful about securing your finances, anything of particular value like cars, and look into insurance and so on. Remember, if he gets into debt, or smashes the car or whatever, you may be liable as well.
It would be worth getting legal advice on where you stand.
He may be devastated, but I wouldn't count on it, in fact he might be relieved because he can drink unhindered and play video games as much as he wants.
By all means delay the divorce thing, but be careful about securing your finances, anything of particular value like cars, and look into insurance and so on. Remember, if he gets into debt, or smashes the car or whatever, you may be liable as well.
It would be worth getting legal advice on where you stand.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
I don't know how to say I'm getting my own place without devastating him
So what if he is devastated? Has this relationship been a picnic for you? Let him fall flat on his a**. It may be the only thing that wakes him up. Quit thinking about him at all and do what you need to do. Hugs to you.
So what if he is devastated? Has this relationship been a picnic for you? Let him fall flat on his a**. It may be the only thing that wakes him up. Quit thinking about him at all and do what you need to do. Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I'm with BlownOne--you might have to let go of the idea that you can or should in any way manage his response to this development. He is in a terrific state of denial where he gets to do whatever he likes and you act like his mother. You are in fact NOT his mother and it's long past time this was made demonstrably clear.
Take care of yourself during this transition, and allow him the dignity of figuring his response out for himself, like you would any other full grown adult.
Take care of yourself during this transition, and allow him the dignity of figuring his response out for himself, like you would any other full grown adult.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 94
I just want to say how thankful I am for each and every single one of your responses.
It was exactly what I needed to hear-- that I need to stop worrying about catering to his feelings and do what is right for me. I'm tired of being this unhappy and feeling like I'm in a one-sided partnership.
I guess I'm almost more worried about logistics. We have one care in both our names, and that's the one I drive on a daily basis. He has a separate car and work vehicle, so I need the car. That's not negotiable for me. I've already started sorting through finances without him knowing...taking care to note log-ins and payments for things like car insurance, car payment, etc. We don't own a house, we don't have kids so at least there's that.
It's just going to be an uncomfortable conversation about who gets what when it comes to furniture and things. I don't know if he's going to be a pain in the ass about it, just take it lying down, or be somewhat pleasant.
I told my sister my plans and she is 100% supportive. I'm seeing her this weekend so she can help me iron out a few more details. I'm doing this though.
I have to, for my own happiness.
It was exactly what I needed to hear-- that I need to stop worrying about catering to his feelings and do what is right for me. I'm tired of being this unhappy and feeling like I'm in a one-sided partnership.
I guess I'm almost more worried about logistics. We have one care in both our names, and that's the one I drive on a daily basis. He has a separate car and work vehicle, so I need the car. That's not negotiable for me. I've already started sorting through finances without him knowing...taking care to note log-ins and payments for things like car insurance, car payment, etc. We don't own a house, we don't have kids so at least there's that.
It's just going to be an uncomfortable conversation about who gets what when it comes to furniture and things. I don't know if he's going to be a pain in the ass about it, just take it lying down, or be somewhat pleasant.
I told my sister my plans and she is 100% supportive. I'm seeing her this weekend so she can help me iron out a few more details. I'm doing this though.
I have to, for my own happiness.
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