superstaroxox

AAPJ

Congratulations on 3 years! I do not have an answer for you on the fear issue. But maybe this will help a bit regarding your concern about what others think of you.

A while back I was reading a thread here on SR titled something like "Favorite Recovery Quotes". One of the favorite quotes offered by another poster was:

“What Other People Think of Me is None of My Business”

For me, reading this quote was one of those light bulb moments. You know the one when it all seems so clear and simple. I realized in an instant that what people think about me, truly isn’t about me. It is about them! Their thoughts are not my business. It is theirs. I had been striving for the impossible. To always be thought of in the “right way” by other people. While it is “nice” to be highly thought of by others, I now understand that it is far more beneficial, and far more achievable to be highly thought of by myself. If I am conducting myself in a decent manner and they do not like me then the problem rests with them, not me.

I hope this helps. Have a great day.

CaiHong

I will just share with you what I find helps me as my fears are ongoing, I make myself aware of them as they happen, breathe don't analyse, just be aware and it sounds like you already have that self awareness. I don't catch it every time but I usually catch it before it gets out of hand and takes a life of its own.

Congrats on the 3 years
CaiHong

Ken33xx

I have fear. Well, maybe stress is a better word. Anyway, I try and take action. Nothing wrong with worrying or feeling stressed out. The question is how long before I take positive action. I say my prayers at night but during the day I've got to deal with people. I've got to face my fears/stress and walk through them which is never easy. Never easy at all.

Bottom line however is I didn't pick up a drink.

And sobriety is the foundation with which I have built a life.

Andante

I've always liked the similar saying:

"You wouldn't worry so much about what what people think of you if you realized how seldom they did."

That said, I struggle with this too. It's not quite as simple as not caring about what other people think of us, as successful interaction with the world is dependent on our having some awareness of how our attitudes and behaviors affect others. I agree with AAPJ that doing and acting in a way that cultivates self-esteem is a good place to start; esteem from others will follow (or not -- we stay out of the results).

I also agree with Ken: we'll always have the emotional reactions -- it's what we do with them that counts.

tomsteve

have you done the fear inventory part of the 4th step?

dsmaxis10

congrats on three years

Ken33xx

That is so true. Generally people are wrapped up in their own lives to care much what I say.

sugarbear1

My fears center around me. Still being that self indulged.....in early sobriety....I need to work the steps and continue to work the steps and be useful to others. "What others think of me is none of my business" is a great early sobriety mantra!

Gottalife

Congrats on three years sober. How many are you sponsoring?

PhoenixJ

I have fears- we all do. Mine go way back into memories and history. The only way to deal with my fears- is to face up to them, process the emotions and make an effort- to get out of my isolative comfort zone. I have the same amount of sobriety as you, and often question my motives- or actions...do more, do this, do that!! A little all the time is much better for me than thinking about the lot- then backing down and isolating and feeling crap- because it seems all to overwhelming.

My support to you.

Tommyh

I use the tool given to me in the big book prayer

We ask Him to remove our fear ( of ________) and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to out grow fear.

it does say outgrow so that says to me it is a thing to be dealt with such as you are doing now. Keep praying and working the program

also in step 10

Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. (pray) We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help.

just doing nothing about fear doesn't help me any, I try to deal with it in the here and now and follow the directions and gradually I get better

when my mind drifts into the future, fear can come in my mind very easy
Trying to keep my mind in the here and now is one of the best fear prevention
tools I have

sometimes I write it down as I did in step 4, sometimes I don`t

Ken33xx

I found helping other, going to meetings and prayer gets me out of my head. However, the problems which I set aside don't go away. They fester.

For me leaning to deal with life on life terms head-one works best. Getting outside of my comfort zine is.... well uncomfortable but I have little choice.

Sobriety has given me a nice life but I've still got to deal with people and at times confrontation.

apollo986

Frame of mind. You control your own thoughts!

Gottalife

So often, this is the missing piece.

AW2486

Have any unfinished amends?
I was slow to do mine. Really slow.
20 years sober sitting in AA wondering what I was doing there... Scary.
After reworking the steps, and being fearless and thorough with the 9th step, I found out how much fear was still ruling my life. That went away after finishing amends.

DayTrader

I have come to the conclusion that, even though I couldn't see it or admit it for a number of years, Bill wrote some truly inspired stuff about fear. One, that it should be classified with stealing. Ya see, stealing has always been a conscious decision for me. At some point I decided to go against that faint inner voice telling me to do the right thing. Nope, ignore that voice of God and instead, take what I want because I think it'll make me happy and/or because I deserve it. Fear is just like that for me - in an interesting way. At some point in my life, I make a conscious decision to NOT trust God, to instead rely upon me to get the life I want, and when it starts to fail........ fear. Fear is the natural result of my trying to play God. It's too big of a job, one that I'm not able to carry out to my satisfaction, and naturally..... I experience fear. Actually, it seems "normal" and healthy. The fear is there to tell me I DON'T really have what it takes to handle X or Y on my own.

Just because I have a much better line of communication to God now than I used to have....... it does NOT mean that I've got a sufficient line of communication. Just because I'm doing some communicating now, it would be foolish to believe that communication doesn't need to grow, change, mature and be perfected. And just having some open communication with God, I've found, hasn't freed me from my constantly trying to go back and play God. That I'm still experiencing fear is proof. So while there may be communication and while it may be a lot better than it had been in my past, it may not be up to snuff for NOW. And even if my current line of communication is sufficient, it still doesn't preclude me from not REALLY trusting God. I talk to people I don't trust all the time.....what makes me thing I wouldn't do the same with God? So ultimately, my experiencing fear is a warning sign that I'm, once again, not really trusting God but instead trying to play God. This points me down the path I'm currently on but gives me something new I need to incorporate into my recovery. It's cool that God and I are talking...but now I need to learn how to trust and rely upon God. I found that, funny enough, I needed God's help to start to trust God. I couldn't seem to just DO it on my own....

Thinking that the overall relationship, the communication, and my current levels of trust for God are "good" or sufficient, I found, was a fools quest. 99 times out of 100 it was just my false ego trying to justify doing nothing - trying to convince me I'm ok, nothing needs to change, and the problems are outside of me. I find it a lot more beneficial to ask myself questions like these:
Is it possible that my relationship with God is NOT healthy yet, even though I think it is?
Is it possible that my communication with God isn't sufficient yet, even though I think it is?
Is it possible that I don't REALLY trust God even though I think I do?
Is it possible that even if my communication, trust and overall relationship with God has been sufficient up until now, that I need to get to a NEW LEVEL of communication and trust to continue to grow?