Hello, All!

Newcomer here lf a community of like minded people to give me insight into my recovery journey.

A little background:

I am 38 years old and alcohol has been a part of my life since I was 18. In 2013 I kicked a habit that almost lead to a divorce, and stayed sober for almost two years. In 2015 I was diagnosed with an extremely rare autoimmune disease. There is no known treatment for it except for multiple surgeries to maintain. I’ve has 27 procedures since September 2015. I suffer immense pain from scar tissue build up and began self medication with alcohol to get a break from spasms and pain. I’ve had a drink almost every night since the beginning of 2016. It has never interfered with my job or marriage. But I do believe it is the cause of a fairly troublesome bout of OCD which began over a year ago. The cycle of anxiety all day and the numbing of both pain and anxiety at night is what has fueled my habit. I now see that this is probably a self induced cycle from drinking.

As of two nights ago I was drinking three 2-3 finger glasses of scotch every night. In some instances 20oz. Most nights I would have 16 oz total. I’d wake up the next day, take a few Advil and push through till 9pm the next evening. It has been a never ending cycle. After some careful research about the OCD I was experiencing (Pure O) and the thought loops I would get into, I began to realize that alcohol was probably the culprit. Two nights ago I became determined to quit.

I told my wife of my plan, expressed fear of an uptick in anxiety....and the fear of withdrawal. I said a prayer and Went to googling the best way to quit. Yesterday I had no desire to drink. I am taking this very seriously, but I am absolutely terrified(rightfully so) of withdrawals. So I decided to begin a taper.

Last night at 9PM. I had a small glass of wine, at 10 I had another. At 11pm I went to bed. I didn’t feel a thing. Not even the slightest buzz, which further reinforced I need to quit. I laid in bed unable to sleep until around 2 am.

I finally fell asleep and woke up feeling pretty great. Probably the first time in over a year without an acute hangover. But I am anxious, and I do fear withdrawal. I fear hallucinating or my kids finding me seizing.

Yet I am still determined. Between the steroids I am on for my disease and the alcohol I’ve been drinking to ease my pain I have ballooned to almost 340lbs. Even at 6’2” that seems extreme.

I have read several success stories here and I hope to be one of them.

Any advice is welcome!

Thanks,

Cal

hello, Hevyn and thank you for the warm welcome. I’m hesitant to go to my doctor with this, let me explain.

A year ago I was seeing a great doctor with a limited, but welcomed understanding of my autoimmune disease. I live in rural South Arkansas, so finding a competent physician is tough. Keep in mind my specialists are in Dallas and at the Mayo Clinic. I approached him one day in despair over my drinking habit. I begged for some kind of pain management besides my own self medication. He immediately terminated our relationship. He wrote a letter to me and said He feared I was an addict pushing for pills. This just broke my heart. Im a well regarded member of my community. I just wanted help. I HATE pills, and I hated that I was drinking to solve a problem I thought could be handled differently. Skip to November last year. I went almost a year without a primary care physician. I found an incredible local doctor who has great insight to my disease and how to treat it naturally. I’m terrified of losing this one.

Hi Cal. You are in a tough place. No doubt about it. I have little to offer except my support. I hope that you are able to figure out a path to recovery

I feel okay a little anxious and tired, but that may be bexause i psyched myself out pretty bad about withdrawel. None the less, i am committed.

Happy to have you here! You certainly are in a complicated situation, but hopefully removing alcohol will remove at least that complication. Good luck with the next few days. Hope to see more posts on your progress