Escalating
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Escalating
Some of you are familiar with my alcoholic ex. Well, he's getting worse. For anyone who wonders what co-parenting with alcoholic is like, here you go. This is what 35 years of drinking does for a person who used to be mild-mannered, reasonable, compassionate and smart. I'm not even getting into the physical changes.
(Background: we have a court order that requires ex to use SoberLink [a portable breathalyzer] as a condition of having visits with our daughter, who lives with me. He resents being treated like an addict and has a history of avoiding, challenging or refusing the breathalyzer).
Below is an excerpt from the letter I just sent my lawyer, with names changed.
Ex had a visit with Kid scheduled from 4-8. He submitted his first SoberLink on time at 3.30. He should have submitted the second one at 5.30, but he did not. At 5.58 I texted him saying I had not received a test. There was no reply. At 6.11 I texted him again saying I was coming to pick up Kid. I also texted Kid. Kid responded that she had just reminded her father about SoberLink. At 6.15 I received a text from ex saying that SoberLink was “acting up". I did not communicate with him further by text.
I went to his apartment. On my way there, at 6.24 I received a clean SoberLink test. When I arrived at 6.32 I went to his front door. Ex answered the door without Kid. He was very agitated, yelling at me to go away. He kept repeating “I’m not drunk” and “I’m calling the police, you’re trespassing” and “Judge XXX said this is not a failure, you are breaking the law". He moved towards me yelling and waving his phone, on which he had dialled 911. I did not yell back. I said I wanted to pick up Kid and stepped back. Ex continued to yell and move forward while waving his phone at me. I made the decision not to push a confrontation and walked away. He kept yelling after me as I walked away and slammed his door. I do not know where Kid was at the time.
I had the voice memo function of my phone on, so I have a recording of this incident. I do not think he was drunk, but I am almost certain he was high on something. He was red-faced, sweating profusely, and unstable on his feet. His yelling was also loud enough that I think it could have been heard in neighbouring apartments as well as his. I did not want Kid to hear both her parents yelling at each other and I did not want her to witness anything involving the police. This is the most physically aggressive ex has been towards me in years.
I went back to pick up Kid at 8. She came to the door without incident. She seemed subdued but in generally good spirits.
I'm concerned because ex was not yelling from behind his keyboard or on the end of the phone like he usually does, he was right in my face. He could have chosen to send Kid out or to not answer the door when I came to pick her up, but instead he chose the most aggressive option in a situation which I believe he engineered by once again not doing his SoberLink test.
I wrote this all out for my lawyer. I also sent ex a text saying no more visits until I have consulted with my lawyer, and then blocked his number. We'll see what unfolds. Wish me luck.
(Background: we have a court order that requires ex to use SoberLink [a portable breathalyzer] as a condition of having visits with our daughter, who lives with me. He resents being treated like an addict and has a history of avoiding, challenging or refusing the breathalyzer).
Below is an excerpt from the letter I just sent my lawyer, with names changed.
Ex had a visit with Kid scheduled from 4-8. He submitted his first SoberLink on time at 3.30. He should have submitted the second one at 5.30, but he did not. At 5.58 I texted him saying I had not received a test. There was no reply. At 6.11 I texted him again saying I was coming to pick up Kid. I also texted Kid. Kid responded that she had just reminded her father about SoberLink. At 6.15 I received a text from ex saying that SoberLink was “acting up". I did not communicate with him further by text.
I went to his apartment. On my way there, at 6.24 I received a clean SoberLink test. When I arrived at 6.32 I went to his front door. Ex answered the door without Kid. He was very agitated, yelling at me to go away. He kept repeating “I’m not drunk” and “I’m calling the police, you’re trespassing” and “Judge XXX said this is not a failure, you are breaking the law". He moved towards me yelling and waving his phone, on which he had dialled 911. I did not yell back. I said I wanted to pick up Kid and stepped back. Ex continued to yell and move forward while waving his phone at me. I made the decision not to push a confrontation and walked away. He kept yelling after me as I walked away and slammed his door. I do not know where Kid was at the time.
I had the voice memo function of my phone on, so I have a recording of this incident. I do not think he was drunk, but I am almost certain he was high on something. He was red-faced, sweating profusely, and unstable on his feet. His yelling was also loud enough that I think it could have been heard in neighbouring apartments as well as his. I did not want Kid to hear both her parents yelling at each other and I did not want her to witness anything involving the police. This is the most physically aggressive ex has been towards me in years.
I went back to pick up Kid at 8. She came to the door without incident. She seemed subdued but in generally good spirits.
I'm concerned because ex was not yelling from behind his keyboard or on the end of the phone like he usually does, he was right in my face. He could have chosen to send Kid out or to not answer the door when I came to pick her up, but instead he chose the most aggressive option in a situation which I believe he engineered by once again not doing his SoberLink test.
I wrote this all out for my lawyer. I also sent ex a text saying no more visits until I have consulted with my lawyer, and then blocked his number. We'll see what unfolds. Wish me luck.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
I wish you luck Sasha. You've handled things as well as possible given the other party involved. Very wise to walk away.
You've been very consistent about the Sober Link, and it will pay off in the end.
You've been very consistent about the Sober Link, and it will pay off in the end.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
He was very agitated, yelling at me to go away. He kept repeating “I’m not drunk” and “I’m calling the police, you’re trespassing” and “Judge XXX said this is not a failure, you are breaking the law". He moved towards me yelling and waving his phone, on which he had dialled 911.
I hate (for you) to have to take this to the next level but is there any way to get the court to order a psych evaluation?
I know Kid is very attached to her Dad still, I have to wonder what's going on there and what type of brainwashing he is applying. I know he criticizes you to her, but the fact that she still wants to visit him at all is kind of amazing.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Good luck, Sasha!
You and your daughter are recovering. She is still in a relationship with her father who's abusive. One step at a time. One day at a time.
1. Trauma bonds
2. Cognitive dissonance
"People who are healing from toxic love relationships do well to educate themselves on the nature of the emotional abuse sustained so that they can move through their pain to a place of healing."
You and your daughter are recovering. She is still in a relationship with her father who's abusive. One step at a time. One day at a time.
1. Trauma bonds
2. Cognitive dissonance
"People who are healing from toxic love relationships do well to educate themselves on the nature of the emotional abuse sustained so that they can move through their pain to a place of healing."
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh. I am so sorry Sasha.
Question. Does he work? I have to think eventually he will run out of money and at that point won't be able to go to court any longer and you can just do what you want.
Secondly, don't hesitate to call the police. I understand you don't want your child to see that, however, I have been told many times I should have called the police on my XAH. Why....#1 to protect myself and my kids. #2....proof.
Sending lots of support and big hugs!
Question. Does he work? I have to think eventually he will run out of money and at that point won't be able to go to court any longer and you can just do what you want.
Secondly, don't hesitate to call the police. I understand you don't want your child to see that, however, I have been told many times I should have called the police on my XAH. Why....#1 to protect myself and my kids. #2....proof.
Sending lots of support and big hugs!
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