CanadianRose

I guess it has been a long while since I've been here. 2 years, nearly. You guys saved me during a very bad time and I love you. Abridged version - husband had a past with drug abuse before I met him (crack) and 6 years into our relationship, he relapsed. He also apparently had a sex addiction issue and cheated on me with prostitutes. He relapsed in February 2017, I kicked him out, he came back "clean" in April, used more, I told him I was done and he went to rehab in May. Came back in June. Found out about the cheating afterwards and I lost my mind and cheated in revenge. We split, then Mr. Perfect Recovery Found Jesus somehow talked me into trying again and I was such a mess that I actually did sort of try, though I knew it was useless. It was done. Limped along until February last year when he relapsed again. And then I kicked him out again and bought myself my own house during the summer and moved away. He proceeded to use our old home as a crackhouse for several months, attempted suicide a couple of times, we sold the house, he moved in with his parents and after several unsuccessful attempts to overdose (once by putting rat poison in the crack) and attempting to hang himself outside of their window, he went to rehab again and is across the country in sober living.

So all is well, right? He's far far away getting help, clean and sober, and I have my new life going. I'm healing and trying to rebuild myself. That's quite a bit of trauma to work through, but I'm getting there. I don't even wish ill on him. I wish for him to keep getting healthier and have a happy life and be a good father to my stepdaughter whom I'm still close with. I'm still close with his mom and niece and nephew too, so I wish for him to get it together and stop hurting them.

All is well. Until last week when he informed me that he has been diagnosed with liver cancer. He's 43. Liver cancer. He has probably one good year left before it goes badly downhill. His mom doesn't know and he doesn't want to tell her. He wants her to live her life free of stress from him for as long as she can after the past couple of years. He told me (and I know him well enough to know this) because despite my complete failure to be a good codependent, he expected and hoped that I would tell him to come back to this state and move on in with me and have me make his last year a happy one.

And you know what? I feel like an ******* for saying no way. I feel awful for the guy I thought I knew and thought I married. But since I understand that this is the same guy who was a crack addict who cheated on me, I feel no obligation to do this. I won't do it. I cannot have him that close to me. I can't deal with it. I don't love him like that anymore. I don't want to sacrifice myself for anyone. He has hurt me more than enough for one lifetime.

So why am I here posting all this? I'm struggling with whether or not I've just become cold. A lot of people would take this guy in for his last bit of life. And I LOVED this man intensely at one time. I am heartbroken that this is how his story will end. It's awful. It's tragic. He's working recovery hard and now he's dying. I get that this is a consequence that he brought on himself, but it's a brutal one. I just...can't fix it. I can't do anything about it. I can feel sad. I'd donate part of my liver, but I won't take him back even if it's for the short time he has left. This was my husband. It's just weird. The whole thing is weird. My life feels weird.

Is this healthy or am I awful?

Eddiebuckle

Oh CR, I am sorry you are going through this.

I am going to assume that what he is telling you is the truth of his medical condition. That may not be the case.

His situation is awful, tragic, and heartbreaking... but it doesn't change the reality that it was his choices that brought him to this place. His real problem is not that he has cancer, but that he has burned every last bridge by his actions. Not wanting to tell his mother but wanting to move in with you for his last year is selfish and manipulative (and a flag IMO). Having cancer does not give him a right to be in your life, much less to expect you to be his caretaker for his final days.

This would be a very hard situation for anyone under "normal" circumstances, but given your history with him I really think you should work through this with a therapist. In my view, you would be insane to let him back into your life, regardless of his medical condition.

FeelingGreat

CR, I was stunned by the fact that he invited himself back into your life, not only to move in, but presumably so you can care for him in his dying days! That doesn't show much humility or self-awareness.

As you've learned the hard way, just because someone lays their expectations on you doesn't mean you have to jump. There's also the thought that this final year could well stretch out to much longer.

Kind of sad that, having tried to die by his own hand several times, he has had the sentence imposed on him.

OpheliaKatz

I guess at long last he's getting what he's been rehearsing for. Sorry to sound so cold! I do think that at a certain stage, if the addiction is untreated for long enough. addicts end up with repeated attempts at suicide by OD or self-imposed health issues. I'm so sorry to hear that he is dying -- I think this will hurt for the people around him more than it will hurt him, believe me... because I suspect that in his last days, he may decide to fall off the wagon (it's not like he has much left to lose). I suspect that it is a relapse that he doesn't want to put his mother through.

SparkleKitty

You are not awful, not by any stretch. Please don't do that to yourself.

tomsteve

just my opinion but no- you havent become cold. youve learned to set boundaires and not allowing him to manipulate you. reread this:
He wants her to live her life free of stress from him for as long as she can after the past couple of years. He told me (and I know him well enough to know this) because despite my complete failure to be a good codependent, he expected and hoped that I would tell him to come back to this state and move on in with me and have me make his last year a happy one.
he wants MOM to live stress free yet no problem tossin it all on you AND have YOU make his last years happy???
HE is responsible for his own happyness.

since a lot of people would take him in- let them take him in.

CanadianRose

Oh thank you. Thank you all so much. I feel like I'm coming to the absolute experts because you were ALL right about everything before and I trust that you still are because you have lived this nightmare.

I feel better about not wanting him anywhere near me. Yes, it is incredible entitlement for him to assume that he can do all this and still have me as a soft place to land. He could have had the rest of his life with me and a pretty happy one at that, but he wrecked it beyond all recognition. He lacks the empathy to comprehend that I am not the woman he married and that I cannot see him like that ever again. I don't owe him this.

He tormented me with suicide attempts to try and gain my sympathy and that didn't come close to working. I do think he's being real with this mainly because since he's still on my insurance (this state takes a LONG time to allow divorce), I can see where he's been to doctors.

He was like "you just can't love me, can you?". And goodness, if I haven't had that same thought enough these past couple of years. I don't wish this on him, but I didn't make it happen either.

CanadianRose

Ophelia, I think you're right on. I think he'll wind up relapsing. That wouldn't be prevented with or without me regardless. This is the ending that comes so often for addicts. The choice is on him. Live the rest of his life giving back, or go down in a haze of drug addiction.

CanadianRose

And he's feeling very sorry for himself over this fact. Very much in victim mode. "No one wants me". Anyone thinking rationally would say "Well of course they don't...I trashed everyone and everything around me before I left".

tomsteve

i have a feeling what he was truly thinking was more,"you just cant love me the way i want you to love me ,can you?"

kinda sorta TRYING to throw out a sympathy card here,too.

Maudcat

Well, now.
Very sorry.
Though you don't love him now, you did once, a lot., so that's gotta be hard.
But..this is a perfect example of addict thinking.
They believe there will always be a soft landing.
If it's in your heart to do so, you could assist with finding hospice care as his life nears its end.
But that would be a huge mitzvah, and not one you should feel compelled to do.
Really up to you.

trailmix

Hi CR, I don't have much to add to all the great thoughts that have already been shared, just wanted to say hello and sorry you are going through this.

CanadianRose

Thank you all. This all just sucks for everyone. I can handle him thinking that I'm heartless and mean if that's what he's gonna think. I don't have any control over that. I just know that I absolutely have to keep my life as separate from all that chaos as possible.

Ann

Depending on the stage and type of liver cancer he has, he could live several years. Or he could die quickly. And please forgive the skepticism but it may all be a ruse to get back living with you again.

Here's the point...no matter how serious or not, you have no obligation to care for a man who has shattered lives all around him. I have said many time here, "WE" are not the solution, we are not even a good option.

There are many places of support for him (if he is clean now, which, sadly, I doubt). The Salvation Army provides a good and free hospice care for those who need it. (God bless the Salvation Army for all they do).

I am sorry that life with him turned into a nightmare, I am sorry that this will probably bring you pain as you once loved this man before addiction took over.

It is a good thing, in your own recovery, that you see clearly that this is not your burden to bear.

No guilt, you are a good person with a good heart and a mind that is smart enough to tell you to stay clear.

Hugs

CanadianRose

I would think it a ruse, but I did check where he'd been to doctors through my health insurance website. It's likely true. The severity of it may not be, of course. I only think he's probably clean because they drug test him at sober living. Of course, I realize that's not foolproof either. Point is, I don't trust him enough even with what he says of his health not to snoop on where he'd been to doctors. Or trust him enough on being clean even in sober living not to say "probably".

It's so funny, that's what I told him, that I'm not even remotely a good option. It's true too. If I were crazy enough to let him live with me, I'd make his life a living hell and I wouldn't be able to help it. I have too much anger and mistrust to treat him well even if he became suddenly the best man on earth, which ain't likely in any case. I'd never believe it after all the lies. Whatever this fantasy he has of me being this loving wife is, he's way off. He killed all parts of that. He'd be better off somewhere else living out his last days than with me.

It's more evidence of how screwed up his thinking is that he'd actually want to be 24/7 around someone he's hurt so badly AND expect that person to take care of him. It's nuts. The entitlement is through the roof.

Ann

That says it all. You can't reason with insanity, so just duck out and wish him well.

Hugs

OpheliaKatz

Yeah drug testing only tests for certain drugs. There are many, many synthetic drugs that don't show up on tests. Anyway, you don't want your face eaten off by some dude on bath salts or have to clean the aftermath of some dude who OD'd on spice (or whatever they are calling it these days).

You're okay. You did the right thing.

thequest

Addicts and alcoholics have to realize there is a point of no return wether it be with their health and relationships. They must understand their behavior and attitude when using is/was daily and that consequences will accumulate.

I'm dealing with an adult alcoholic now who is constantly making remarks or passing comments about his alcohol/drug related issues most self inflicted. He's trying to portray himself a victim of poor genes(no one in family had their issues at their age) or the stress of life(things not going his way, not down and out living on the street)

You already him gave the biggest chance of all-a marriage, a shot at life together. I wouldn't fret wanting him to deal with his stuff on his own. Again there is a point of no return.

CanadianRose

That's a very good observation, that there's a point of no return. I'm sure it hurts him to feel the consequences of that. It has hurt everyone all along. It's like he's just now catching up to the hurt. He discarded everyone, now he feels discarded by everyone. But really, it's what you said. He hit the point of no return in every facet of his life. It's tragic, but it's a tragedy that only he could have prevented.

SparkleKitty

Actually they don't.

They are human beings with the right to live as they choose, ignoring the consequences of their actions until every healthy person in their life is long gone.

I have found a lot more peace and happiness focusing on myself than expecting the addicts I have in my life and my family to conform to the way *I* think they should live.