sydneyman

I read a lot of posts where people at various days think they can just have one or 2 drinks and then it all falls apart again in a matter of days. I guess its referring to moderating our drinking?
Why do people think they can have that one drink when they deep down know they cant?
Is this because they have not fully accepted their addiction?
Is it the addiction still talking?
Is it because they don't want to feel as an outsider when mixing in our drinking society?
I have now on my 3d attempt accepted the fact that I can never drink again. Like a Jewish person due to their faith can not eat pork. This acceptance makes it so much easier. If us addicts would accept this wouldn't that make it an easy decision=solution?
Why I wonder?

Dee74

I dunno about anyone else but for a long time drinking was all I knew. I dodn;t know about not drinking it scared me.

What would life be like? what would I be like?

so even though I knew I'd tried before and failed I'd try to moderate again. Pretty futile when you drink to gt wasted.

Eventually I fell so low I had no choice but to try not drinking.

It was the best decision of my life I really encourage anyone stuck with fear to just try not drinking.

You don't have to wait until things get so bad you have no choice

D

Guener

I found so much in my life that was unacceptable that it was hard to let go of the booze. Acceptance for me means that I have to measure my entire world and my place in it to find where I am. Until I was ready to take my lot of being an alcoholic in a world of my own making and let go of others' part in forming my happiness, I just couldn't quit. Maybe that's why I am not attached in a formal way to any program, for myself I had to determine what to accept and what to simply shed.

A big part of my starting drinking, and the first time I did I was fully committed to it, was that I measure so much of my esteem in the reactions of others. Accepting both that I cannot drink and that I don't have to use external validations of my worth have been large in my recovery. It's one big package, and for some of us it's hard to take on that burden of fully evaluating why we drink and what it means when we choose to give it up.

I no longer feel unacceptable to myself, and by not drinking I find I am much more worthy of the positive reactions I receive from others. This makes the world outside of myself something that I can deal with day to day. Acceptance doesn't mean we can be simply receivers of either worth or circumstances, we have to make our lives what we need.

Ghostlight1

I guess I'm an exception to your question.
I knew I could never moderate and I never wanted to.
I drank to get drunk. There were no other options for me.
After a bender, I would swear off alcohol. But as soon as the nightmarish hangovers were gone, I would be back at it full bore.
I never even tried moderation but once. I wanted to see if I could have one drink. I went to the bar, ordered a beer, drank it and left. My one attempt at moderation and this was near the end of my drinking.
Still, I knew what would happen when left to my own devices, or vices, I would get drunk.

Moderation? It isn't even in my wildest dreams an option for me.
I'm a real alcoholic. A drunk. And I always will be. I get a daily reprieve from alcohol. A daily reprieve from getting drunk.
Moderation to me? Why? What's the point?
I was a drunk at a very early age. And would be for some odd forty years.
Never even tried moderation, but that once.
I guess I just don't understand moderation.

WeThinkNot

In my past relapses I genuinely thought I wasn't a true alcoholic because I don't get cravings once I stop completely.

This last time I was abstinent for three months and my physical symptoms were gone. My head was clear and I didn't have any cravings whatsoever. I thought to myself that there was no way I could possibly be an alcoholic because it wouldn't be that easy for me to stop completely.

When I went out I got completely obliterated. It was quite shocking to me just how badly I got drunk when my intention was to go out, have a few cognacs to sip slowly and get that nice buzz.

The good news is that the previous experience was proof positive that moderation is absolutely impossible for me.

WaterOx

I don't know. Maybe you can start by telling us your secret to success?

How long since your last drink?

rc29

Cunning, baffling, powerful, and patient......I've heard that a lot and I lived it firsthand.

OtterIsland

gettingsmarter

My why - Because we don't want to believe we can never drink again. We so desperately want to keep drinking that we believe, even though we went to hell in a hand basket the last 1000 times we tried moderated", that the next time will be different. Almost everyone one of my attempts at moderation I really believed it "this time" would be different.

I don't think it sinks in until it hurts us enough to really finaly get it.

Some never get it.

fini

i never wanted just one.
but did foreeeeever think i could drink again one or two days a week because i was convinced my will was ruler over this.

DriGuy

I can only guess, but I think they actually feel they can. I've had that feeling. I still didn't take the drink, because I understood it was because I was feeling normal after a few months of sobriety. I'm guessing relapsers confuse feeling normal with being a normie.

I will guess that relapsers not only fail to accept their addiction, but also don't accept the solution. They believe there is an easier softer way than not to drink because they want a solution that includes drinking. They are told the solution. Than can even articulate it in meetings, but they haven't really accepted it.

Addiction is more complicated than that. I'm sure there are many more reasons. Relapsers probably have tool boxes full of rationalizations, incorrect perceptions, and excuses they use to drink. Many may not understand what commitment to abstinence feels like.

sydneyman

Yes I think this nails it. We DONT WANT TO believe we can never drink again. We are adults and to be told you can NEVER do this or that, we don't like it, we don't want to be told. I know I failed and have fallen/relapsed quickly. Last time I was 30 days AF and then was going to have just a couple in a hotel where we were staying at. Deep down I knew it wouldn't just be a few but it would lead into full blown addiction again and it did. A 7 day coke and alcohol bender later passed out at home on the floor I was rushed to my GP by my partner and within days was in 21 day inpatient rehab. It saved me.
WaterOx I am only 4 months sober and as I mentioned my 3d attempt. I don't have any secret answers/solutions I was just asking.

Having had problems with other drugs such as cocaine I couldn't just have one or two lines a week. It would be out of control in matter of days/weeks. So I have made a decision that I don't use it anymore.

I really think its full acceptance of being an addict and that the relationship I have with booze/drugs is lethal that keeps me in line. Nothing would be different if I would drink now from last time. There simply is no way that I could unscrew a bottle EVER again in my life. That thought is not scary to me anymore. The thought of that in the beginning was surreal. Not anymore, now its reality a fact of my life. Making the decision to live AF and not even entertain the thought of ever dinking again is my solution to my drinking.

EndGameNYC

I never thought or believed that I could drink again after several years of living without alcohol. Not safely. Not without risking my health and well-being. Not without again bringing pain and suffering into my life, without causing other people to worry, to become enraged, to feel like they were hit by a steamroller. And not for the first time.

I had no illusions around what I was doing when I started drinking again. I understood where it could take me. I understood that I would again be capable of things that I would never consider when I'm sober. I knew that there was a good chance that I would lose people and things in my life. Maybe everything, just one more time. And I did. I believed that my drinking would probably kill me this time around. And I hoped that it would not be a moment too soon.

I wanted to drink more than anything else and in place of everything else. Had I read or heard something like what I've described in my post before I started drinking again, it wouldn't have made a bit of a difference.

sydneyman

I love that...If a drinking thought pops up in my head I don't "hold onto it" I just let it pass as any other thoughts and move on.

sydneyman

I just wanted drink more than anything else. Had I read or heard something like this before I started drinking again, it wouldn't have made a bit of a difference.

This is what I am talking about.
You knew where it would lead to but did it anyway. So the desire was too strong for you and the risks didn't matter even if death could be the end result?

WeThinkNot

Exactly. My previous sobriety attempts were half assed so I would have relapsed anyways most likely but this is exactly what I felt.

I'm almost at two years of sobriety and life has never been better for me. Not only am I diligently working my program but I've also educated myself about kindling and the progressive nature of alcoholism. I am the healthiest both physically and mentally I've been as an adult ever. I have no physical or psychological urges to drink alcohol. I just absolutely do not want it in my life.

Yet...underneath it all a small part of me still mistakenly thinks I'm cured. "You've got your life back in order and you're not even craving! See you can have one like a normal person." It's unbelievable just how cunning and baffling addiction truly is.

Epictetus

(I'm starting to think) because I'm stupid? Every time it happens that's how I feel. Chronic relapser. So each relapse ends up being an epic binge. OD'd a few times. They thought it was on purpose one time and i didn't realise it but they were offering help. I was too proud.

Why do I think I can have one drink when clearly I can't? My wife made a comment today when i told her i created an account on sober website and it was already helpful, that it's my arrogance in the matter that has possibly held me back. Which according to her means that is my personality or it's something coming from fear. We both agree that I'm not an arrogant person but for some reason I've not shown humility at all with this issue. I've been flippant and brushed it under the carpet and it's grown and come back time and time again.

I believe that I'm so full of shame and guilt underneath that I don't take accountability for the things that happen. I fix the situation and maybe I want to prove that if I can drink like a normal person, then perhaps I can erase the memory of the demon drinker. Like he didn't exist. Like it wasn't me. I often feel like Edward Norton in Fight club. Detached at first from his split/schizophrenic personality until he realises Tyler Durdon was him all along and he must exorcise himself of Tyler. I tend to get touchy if she mentions something terrible that I did or said. Like it hurts to face it so best to move on and forget about it. I didn't realise I was doing that until very recently.

It's a good question. Probably not accepting too and not letting go.

sydneyman

We both agree that I'm not an arrogant person but for some reason I've not shown humility at all with this issue. I've been flippant and brushed it under the carpet and it's grown and come back time and time again

Epictetus. I think the key word there is humility. You have pinpointed your issue and that's fantastic. Some people never work it out. Mine was arrogance also which has now changed to humbleness. Also giving. I do not mean $ but by kindness and being a more considerate human, being nice, friendly and smiling. Saying thank you.
Yes I agree reading the replies it is pretty much about
Not accepting 100% and not wanting to let go 100% that seems to be the answer to my question.

EndGameNYC

I would say especially because death could be the end result.

So there was no risk. The range of possible outcomes was extremely narrow. It was, in effect, a sure thing.

sydneyman