Liesinthesun

So February 12th was a wonderful day. It was sober day 10. I remember being like "wow this was a good day. I feel good." and for whatever reason I decided I could have a couple shots. I remember specifically debating, but my addiction's lies were louder and more convincing that I could in fact just have a couple drinks... MODERATION. What a crock of crap. That moderation lie gets me every time and I spent several weeks right back into black outs, regrets, days I don't remember, nights I don't remember. The night time anxiety came back. The sweats and bad sleep. But fortunately my will to do and be better is bigger than my addiction and I try again.
So after a night of terrible sleeping and having to listen to calming music with my earbuds in to drown out the anxiety thoughts, I try again.
I keep trying again and again until I get it right. I know the feeling of sober,a clear mind, a body in recovery, and I want that back. I liked that feeling more than any feeling I ever had drinking. I deserve that feeling. I know this weekend is going to suck. I know the sweats with be bad. I am going to feel like crap. But I know on the other end of this awful weekend, is going to be sober me that feels alive.

Ghostlight1

Yes, I know what you're going through all too well.
It got to the point, with me, where I didn't even bother to think I could moderate. I just drank knowing full well what awaited me the next morning.
Yes, it is lies we tell ourselves and it's great that you recognize them as such.

But like you, I kept on trying and trying. I never gave up hope for sobriety.
Finally, after one particularly bad binge, I threw in the towel. Alcohol had me beat and I decided to do something about it.
It took action, I couldn't do it on my own.
I looked to AA and was saved, so far, the rest of a life time of misery if I don't take that first drink. I'm given a daily reprieve. Just for today. I can handle not drinking for one day.

There is help available. This place. AA and other programs of recovery.
You've got the right attitude. Keep on trying. I did it for years and it finally worked. I wish the same for you.

Fearlessat50

Great reflection, liesinthesun! One day at a time!

August252015

Have you ever or are you working a program, AA or whatever you choose? "Trying" couldn't be a word in my vocab when it came to drinking - it was do, or don't.

thomas11

Sorry for your situation. For what its worth, the withdrawal process was a huge deterrent for me. The process almost killed me a couple times (or so I thought). It was just no longer worth it. And moderation is a fantasy.

Epictetus

Lies or delusional thinking?

I attended a buddhism course a few weeks ago and she was saying something like, suffering and pain are real and constant yet we can fool ourselves with what we believe are bringers of happiness...

She gave an example of chocolate sweets which I thought was quite adapt as a metaphor to whatever addiction/substance...

Something like "We take a chocolate sweet and maybe we have the feeling of pleasure so we may think "logically" (believing that it's logical), if one gave me pleasure then another will give me more pleasure.......and why not another. And we continue. But then we find that, beneath that impression of pleasure there is pain, we start to feel sick, nauseuas. What we thought was bringing us happiness, really revealed itself to be not true happiness. Happiness turned into suffering"

"Pain has no hidden element. If I tap your finger with a hammer you will feel pain. If I continue it does not transform to happiness. It continues as pain and worsens."

"true happiness can only come from inner peace"

I miss quote her but something like that.

Liesinthesun

Thank you for taking the time to write this for me. I remember a similar chocolates saying but I don't remember where it came from. Its funny because I actually say the same thing about cheesecakes. I don't like sweets much, but I want one bite, maybe two... but after that, its not good and if you keep on eating it, its really not something enjoyable. The first bite is the best, the rest of the bites are just because of habit or indulgence.

Honestly it might be both... lies and delusional thinking. I am a very self aware person. I am not fooling myself. I know me, my mind... so I don't know what to call it. Avoidance Delusions? Or that idea that maybe one day I'll just be different without any effort at all? LOL yeah that is delusional.

Liesinthesun

You know the sad part is that is not my will that is telling me to quit. Its not even my family or the idea that I might destroy everything I have. Its been my body. I have noticed little symptoms here and there popping up and while alone they seem innocent, when they are pieced together, my body is telling me the alcohol is hurting it. For instance, a few weeks ago I started with eardrum spasms in my right ear, sounds like flutters. Causes can be simple ear wax. Nothing to really make them stop. But then the other day my upper arm had a slight muscle twitch that continued off and on for an hour or more. I noticed over the last couple of months, my hands or fingers tingle more than normal if I sleep with my arm under my pillow or have my arm resting on the back of the couch. My resting heart rate is higher than it should be. I started having really bad heart burn every couple of weeks. While these seem just random, I believe it might be alcohol induced neuropathy. All these individual simple symptoms can indicate what I know... I am hurting my body. The only body I have.

Epictetus

yeah the chocolate reference, I heard someone say that before too, but not sure where I heard it. The movie days of wine and roses or in an aa book is springing to mind. Something about if your someone who devours chocolate you could be ripe for alcoholism. Maybe something to with the dopamine and not being able to stop until the whole bar is finished. Which i find practically impossible to do.

I agree with you though. It's not just delusional thinking. It is lies, lies and more lies. I can't trust myself anymore. I've become good at lying and cleaning up the messes. I think because of become so used to cleaning up the mess and starting afresh again that I detach myself from what happened like it was another person. Well there is such a change that it is like another person. But it's me who lies to myself later convincing myself that I can "moderate". I've been told correctly that people who don't have drinking problems don't need to think about moderating.

Dee said something that made me think..that he didn't like the man in the mirror and that was a catalyst for change. I can't even look at the man in the mirror because of the dishonest person I have become.

Time to see through the lies and transcend them?

WindPines

It seems like a constant battle sometimes. So glad that you're back, and that you know the feeling you're looking for again. You can have it back.

SIB

Been there done that a million times myself. Binge drunk for days on end, sober up just long enough to start sleeping right again only to buy some beer and end up binging again for days. It got so bad every time I drank I knew it was a multi-day thing and I'd have to have an appointment or some other important reason to stop and sober up.... Then the merry go round would start again. Rinse / repeat.

sva777

100%^

Moderation is something only alcoholics are concerned with. Never met a normal person who told me they were moderating their drinking.

Tailai

Lascaux

The funny thing is I'm just starting to realize how much easier it is not to think about moderation. That was always my goal before (I've tried every type of moderation there is) and the constant mental battle (maybe just this weekend, maybe only tonight, maybe on my birthday, maybe 2 nights just so I don't throw away the second half of that bottle) wore me down every time. I'm only 22 days in but aside from posting on SR to keep me mindful I go hours and hours without thinking about alcohol just because I'm not letting that constant bargaining wear me down.

DriGuy

I drank every day. I drank when I had a bad day to relax. One day when looking at my problem, it occurred to me that I also drank on a good day. I was either drinking to drown a bad day or drinking to celebrate a good day. This pointed out some important issues.

First, it suggested that the quality of my day, and nothing to do with my problem. I was just a drinker rationalizing my drinking regardless of my day.

Second, it pointed out the dangerous trigger of having a good day. I was associating drinking with celebrating a good day. This second issue is important in recovery, because you will find yourself having more and more good days. Sometimes they will be downright wonderful. This is one great way of rationalizing a drink. You can't give in just because you're feeling good. You will certainly end up wrecking your ability to be "high on life" so to speak. Watch for that rationalization. Good days should be taken for what they are, but the rationalization they can lead to can be the death of success. Enjoy the good times, but recognize and avoid the rationalization like a plague.

Lascaux

Boy did I fit those shoes, especially the "celebrating a good day" part. Alcohol was the only option. Thank you for this post.

JamesSquire

All I can say is 'Yep!'

Then the lie continues ... to our partners, friends, family, ...

vxper

I think what finally helped me to stop lying to myself was stopping lying to others. It was an ER nurse. I was in for the second time in two days because of nose bleeds that wouldn't stop. I had rhino rockets placed in my nose (look them up if you aren't familiar). They drew blood. She came back and asked me how many drinks I had that day. I told the normal lie. Here are her words in my rock bottom moment:

"Your platelet levels are around 25,000. That count normally should be around 200,000 to 250,000. Your blood can't coagulate. You're BAC is over twice the legal limit. We're not letting you drive away from here no matter if you tell me the truth or not. You are in some real danger here so it's very important that you tell me the truth. So let's try this again, how much do you drink?"

It pored out of me. I broke down, in that moment I realized I had no power to control this on my own. I needed help desperately and finally admitting it to those around me allowed me to actualize it for myself in a real way.

It made me realize that I needed others, and it was those moments that I thought I was the strongest that I was actually the weakest. Reach out, talk, you are not alone in this.