The old trauma never goes away
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
The old trauma never goes away
I'm feeling pretty down right now. Today there were two separate incidents that caused me distress, one involving a woman and one involving work. The particulars aren't important.
Neither person meant any harm to me maliciously but the circumstances were such that it caused my deepest insecurities to flare up. This is **** from my formative years I'm talking about.
My worst fears are to feel worthless and to feel helpless and each incident checked off one box apiece. If I condense my insecurities further I could say my absolute worst fear is to feel weak or vulnerable. When I first started meditating I quickly realized why my biggest obsessions in sobriety were lifting weights and saving money.
Muscles = power
Money = power
Each incident was innocuous on its own but because of my insecurities they hit me like a sock full of marbles to the solar plexus. The good news is I still have zero cravings for alcohol so my sobriety is not threatened.
I took a long walk to get some brisk air and to meditate and an unfortunate realization occurred. As alcoholics we know that we are never cured rather our symptoms are arrested by having a program of recovery. For myself (maybe others) the deep trauma from the past works the same way.
No matter how thoroughly I work my program, practice gratitude, practice forgiveness, try to be a good person the old hurt will never go away. I'm never cured from the trauma, I can only arrest it by being a big boy, putting my chin up, and proudly marching forward in my journey of sobriety.
Typing this all out made me feel a lot better.
Neither person meant any harm to me maliciously but the circumstances were such that it caused my deepest insecurities to flare up. This is **** from my formative years I'm talking about.
My worst fears are to feel worthless and to feel helpless and each incident checked off one box apiece. If I condense my insecurities further I could say my absolute worst fear is to feel weak or vulnerable. When I first started meditating I quickly realized why my biggest obsessions in sobriety were lifting weights and saving money.
Muscles = power
Money = power
Each incident was innocuous on its own but because of my insecurities they hit me like a sock full of marbles to the solar plexus. The good news is I still have zero cravings for alcohol so my sobriety is not threatened.
I took a long walk to get some brisk air and to meditate and an unfortunate realization occurred. As alcoholics we know that we are never cured rather our symptoms are arrested by having a program of recovery. For myself (maybe others) the deep trauma from the past works the same way.
No matter how thoroughly I work my program, practice gratitude, practice forgiveness, try to be a good person the old hurt will never go away. I'm never cured from the trauma, I can only arrest it by being a big boy, putting my chin up, and proudly marching forward in my journey of sobriety.
Typing this all out made me feel a lot better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. In fact I was just thinking about my own personal trauma from many years ago and it won't go away. I just have to live with it.
Maybe it's part of what made me drink so much for so long.
I honestly don't know.
What I do know, is I'm wounded. And that wound won't heal.
Maybe it's part of what made me drink so much for so long.
I honestly don't know.
What I do know, is I'm wounded. And that wound won't heal.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
Oh no doubt it is better and easier sober. I'm pretty sure the initial "shove" into addiction was escape from the ghosts when I first experienced getting drunk.
I sometimes wonder if I would have ended up an alcoholic if things had been different for me. But there is no use dwelling on what could have been.
I sometimes wonder if I would have ended up an alcoholic if things had been different for me. But there is no use dwelling on what could have been.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
I don;t think we have to live with trauma forever - as human beings we have a huge capacity for change 
It took me many years, getting sober, and a little counselling, but I feel untraumatised now - I won't forget the past but it doesn't suddenly rear up and impact on my life now.
Not saying that to say look how awesome I am - just saying - I think change is always possible
D
It took me many years, getting sober, and a little counselling, but I feel untraumatised now - I won't forget the past but it doesn't suddenly rear up and impact on my life now.
Not saying that to say look how awesome I am - just saying - I think change is always possible
D
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
I suggest reading The Body Keeps the Score. It's about trauma and what we can do about it. We can reprocess and rewire. It takes courage and repeated effort, but our past is not a life long sentence.
https://besselvanderkolk.net/the-bod...the-score.html
https://besselvanderkolk.net/the-bod...the-score.html
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3,027
Good for you.
FWIW: muscles make women feel powerful, too. Building strength in sobriey has so many benefits; psychological, emotional, social, physical....building muscle in the body I believe translates directly to the mind. The mind and body are one. So maybe your reasons aren’t as superficial as you think. It’s ok to feel good about how your body looks AND the hard work you put in, AND to celebrate what your body is capable of.
Lord, there are so many people who don’t get out of their chairs, who can’t walk around the block, who have become morbidly obese...if you are not, and it’s the result of first your mental strength (to get it done) and then the physical? Celebrate it. I do.
FWIW: muscles make women feel powerful, too. Building strength in sobriey has so many benefits; psychological, emotional, social, physical....building muscle in the body I believe translates directly to the mind. The mind and body are one. So maybe your reasons aren’t as superficial as you think. It’s ok to feel good about how your body looks AND the hard work you put in, AND to celebrate what your body is capable of.
Lord, there are so many people who don’t get out of their chairs, who can’t walk around the block, who have become morbidly obese...if you are not, and it’s the result of first your mental strength (to get it done) and then the physical? Celebrate it. I do.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
