KelTN

Hello all. I am not new to al-anon, but I am new to the Sober Recovery community. My baby brother is an alcoholic. I have been working the steps and attending al-anon, but now I'm struggling in my detachment. It's easier I think to practice detachment when he is working and not bothering me.. ha. But then something happens he gets drunk and does something he's not supposed to. Quick background, he's been in a dysfunctional relationship with another alcoholic and drug user. They have a 3 year old child. They split up 2 months ago and are now constantly trying to get something over on each other. I have had my nephew about 3 days a week since he was 2 weeks old. I feel like I may not be able to do anything about his parents, but I can at least be a solid in his life and offer care after work and on weekends. There is now a restraining order in place against my brother and my nephews mom won't let me see him. So I have let go... I know there is nothing I can do about this. I'm just trying to stay busy.

This back and forth between them involving arrests and ... you know the typical addict drama, has been incredibly embarrassing as this is a small town. I have a full time job and serve on multiple boards within my community... once again I have to let go and detach. Last night I got a call, my brother's bond was revoked after he got drunk and contacted his ex's sister about getting his belongings. He is now in jail and my brain is mush. I'm not a religious person, though I find comfort in the serenity prayer. So this is my attempt to settle my mind. I have plenty of work to do, my office is busy, and yet I find myself staring at a blank screen. . . Rereading the same email 10 times without comprehension. . . I am struggling, seriously, cannot seem to get myself on track. I worry about my brother, he doesn't think he has a drinking problem... I know that he does I'm afraid that he's about to really have problems when he starts going through withdrawals. I am afraid he is about to die in jail. It's easy to say, "he did this to himself. I am not responsible if he kills himself." And that's exactly what I'm saying out loud... but I'm dying inside. I know I need to work the steps. I know I need to let go and just chill out. To detach with love. In this situation I don't know if that means let him experience this, have faith that the jailers will realize if he starts to detox and it's unsafe.

I know this is just a ramble, but I went from feeling frenzied to feeling better knowing that someone can see that I care, even though the best thing to do is nothing. My plan of action is for self care. I am going to make a list of the stuff I need to accomplish today. I am going to work that list. At 3 I'm going to attend an online al-anon meeting. I am going to make myself eat lunch and dinner. I am going to go on with my life, because that's what it takes to remain a sane adult.

SparkleKitty

I'm sorry, my friend, but I'm glad you're here. It sounds as though you already know the best course of action and you're doing your best to stay on track.

Be easy on yourself. Letting go isn't usually an event, but a process.

atalose

I understand your fears, but they don’t let people die in jail from detoxing. Most jails have a medical unit and if need be they transport the sick/ill to a hospital.

I think it’s a good idea to step up your al-anon meetings, readings and getting and talking to a sponsor and working the steps. The detaching with love part often does not feel like love to us and we need to rewire our thinking on that.

And when you say let him experience this, what would the alternative be? It sounds like you think you may have some other plan than for him to detox in jail?

trailmix

Hi KelTN and welcome.

Sorry to hear about your Brother and the concern that brings you.

It's hard! Nothing easy about detaching from someone you care about.

Here is the thing. Has he even asked for your help? Did he say, big brother, I need you to rescue me from this? Probably not, so why are you carrying that burden. You are not your Brother's keeper. He is a grown adult person.

You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it.

spiderqueen

Chiming in to add my support. I can see you care! And I know first hand how hard it is to do nothing when you care so much. Taking care of yourself and remaining sane(!) is absolutely the best thing in this situation.

hopeful4

We are here, supporting you!

KelTN

I could make some calls and probably get him out on work release. I just don't feel like I should stick my neck out when he put himself there. I still feel a little guilty about it though. I'm afraid I would help arrange work release and he would sneak and drink. He doesn't think he's an alcoholic.

thequest

The alcoholic and person are two different things yet one in the same. Your brother chose to drink regardless of consequences. You're detaching from the alcoholic. Alcoholism is a life your brother chose. There is no reason to support or approve of that decision. That is your brother's decision to live with, not yours.

Quite frankly even in family there are certain lines one crosses where there is no going back nor will there be any take backs or redos. If or when sober you and brother can work on a new relationship, not the old one.

FireSprite

Then maybe look at it like this?.... letting go gives him the dignity of managing his own consequences, just like every other full grown adult. He's allowed to make mistakes & screw up his own life, whether anyone likes it or not.

This is my favorite explanation of detaching with love:

"Detachment isn't the same as indifference. When you Let Go you aren't saying, I don't care what happens; you're saying, I am open to whatever happens.

When It comes, then I will know the next step to take."
~Deepak Chopra

KelTN

First I want to say I really appreciate your response. I should not be carrying this burden. The only thing I have control of in this situation is myself.

This is not my first experience with an alcoholic. My ex is an alcoholic. I lived with it for years. When I started working the steps I realized I'm following a pattern... even though you don't choose parents or siblings.

He constantly calls me for help. Needs a job, car is broken down, arrested, needs to find an attorney, someone treated him unfairly... always someone else's fault and not his. Fights with the ex-girlfriend... who also always tried to involve me. It's really toxic. I had asked them both to stop contacting me with their problems. That was going well until they actually split and continued to have physical altercations. He is calling me repeatedly from jail asking that I put money on his account, call his attorney. His attorney is actually a friend of mine and I am terribly embarrassed. My parents are both substance abusers, though neither of them will admit it either. My brother is the baby and my parents have always given him money when he needs it and everything else. He has never actually known hardship. I can't allow myself to enable him. My mom took off in October and he's no longer able to rely on her and he and my dad have a weird relationship. My brother constantly tries to guilt me by saying I'm the only person he can depend on.

He is a mean drunk, and has threatened me more than once in drunk rages. He remembers all of these interactions differently. I don't know if I have it in me to cut all contact. When I think of him, when someone says his name he's a really sweet, smart, 12 year old boy who is obsessed with random presidential facts.

I have determined the help I'm willing to give. I just need to stay strong, detached, and stick to my boundaries. I am willing introduce him to some friends from the recovery community. I won't give him money. I told his attorney he is in jail and that's it. I won't go to court with him and I won't make any calls to get him work release.

Anyway, I appreciate the responses. I know I'm not the only one who deals with this crap. It's just it ramps up sometimes and it's so uncomfortable.

hopeful4

It sounds like you know your boundaries and you are sticking to them. That's really great. I have listened to several testimonies from people who only changed after they did some real jail time. They had to get themselves out of the blame game of blaming everyone else and admit some things to themselves. Some will do it, some won't . That is up to him.

Big hugs.

trailmix

This is going to sound very random, but is there anyone in your family that is autistic or has aspergers? (Also autism, but high functioning).

KelTN

No autism or autistic traits in our family. My ex-husband was on the spectrum, so I am familiar.

seekingcalm

The alcoholic and person are two different things yet one in the same. Your brother chose to drink regardless of consequences. You're detaching from the alcoholic. Alcoholism is a life your brother chose. There is no reason to support or approve of that decision. That is your brother's decision to live with, not yours.

Quite frankly even in family there are certain lines one crosses where there is no going back nor will there be any take backs or redos. If or when sober you and brother can work on a new relationship, not the old one.


This is so well said, and so helpful. Thank you thequest