Struggling, but not how I expected to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
Struggling, but not how I expected to.
Good morning ya'll,
So today marks 193 days sober for me....(hold for applause)....and for the most part I feel physically great. I've been really on an herbal tea kick, and have been exploring different small "tea bars" around my city. Enjoying a healthy drink feels good, and also a great atmosphere to meet new people. I've also been going to bars, pubs, and breweries with my "drinking" friends. This has also been great, and I've yet to even feel "in the mood" for a drink. The desire is just no longer there.
Anddddd I'm struggling. Struggling with something I didn't expect to struggle with....my emotions, and my thoughts.
I have a successful corporate job, and I'm "the boss" to many employees. However, this comes with a great deal of stress and pressure. I used to deal with this stress by drinking, and now that I don't have that, I've let it build up, and have no idea how to deal with it. I finally "snapped" at the office yesterday, and was told to go home and figure my "****" out. I have no way to vent this stress, and have to figure that out. I write a lot, both on here, and in a personal journal. I'm writing a book about my journey, which no one will likely ever read, but it seems to help.
My struggles with emotions don't stop when I leave work. Everything I do, I'm always thinking. I'm so cerebral now, and have more thoughts to deal with than I even know existed when I was a drunk. I thought this was a good thing....clear thoughts, thinking about life, but...now I have to deal with those thoughts, and I'm not sure how.
During my "emotional breakdown", I had quite a scary thought if I'm honest. It freaked me out a bit. For the first time ever I thought this....
What was the point of getting sober to live longer, if my life just feels like one never-ending emotional mess? Why am I here? What is "the point" of my life? Am I destined to do something great, or is this life just going to be a rat-race to my demise?
So I ask you, my fellow sober weirdos, my non-drinkin family, my friends....how do you cope with stress, deal with emotion, and overcome thoughts of "what's the point of this life"?
So today marks 193 days sober for me....(hold for applause)....and for the most part I feel physically great. I've been really on an herbal tea kick, and have been exploring different small "tea bars" around my city. Enjoying a healthy drink feels good, and also a great atmosphere to meet new people. I've also been going to bars, pubs, and breweries with my "drinking" friends. This has also been great, and I've yet to even feel "in the mood" for a drink. The desire is just no longer there.
Anddddd I'm struggling. Struggling with something I didn't expect to struggle with....my emotions, and my thoughts.
I have a successful corporate job, and I'm "the boss" to many employees. However, this comes with a great deal of stress and pressure. I used to deal with this stress by drinking, and now that I don't have that, I've let it build up, and have no idea how to deal with it. I finally "snapped" at the office yesterday, and was told to go home and figure my "****" out. I have no way to vent this stress, and have to figure that out. I write a lot, both on here, and in a personal journal. I'm writing a book about my journey, which no one will likely ever read, but it seems to help.
My struggles with emotions don't stop when I leave work. Everything I do, I'm always thinking. I'm so cerebral now, and have more thoughts to deal with than I even know existed when I was a drunk. I thought this was a good thing....clear thoughts, thinking about life, but...now I have to deal with those thoughts, and I'm not sure how.
During my "emotional breakdown", I had quite a scary thought if I'm honest. It freaked me out a bit. For the first time ever I thought this....
What was the point of getting sober to live longer, if my life just feels like one never-ending emotional mess? Why am I here? What is "the point" of my life? Am I destined to do something great, or is this life just going to be a rat-race to my demise?
So I ask you, my fellow sober weirdos, my non-drinkin family, my friends....how do you cope with stress, deal with emotion, and overcome thoughts of "what's the point of this life"?
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 409
Hi WhoDey, I think you have hit the heart of addiction straight on here.
Many of us are addicted to something to help numb thoughts and feelings about our lives, ourselves.
Getting sober is like waking up from a dream and seeing exactly where we are.
I too have a corporate job, managing people and global projects and the more sober I get the more I am asking myself the very same questions.
Is this all there is to life? What else do I want to do? After being checked out for so long it is hard to be in touch with our true creativity and power.
I don't have the answers but I think the point is asking them, asking for help and
being open to something new and more fulfilling to your spirit.
Congrats on 193 days!!
Many of us are addicted to something to help numb thoughts and feelings about our lives, ourselves.
Getting sober is like waking up from a dream and seeing exactly where we are.
I too have a corporate job, managing people and global projects and the more sober I get the more I am asking myself the very same questions.
Is this all there is to life? What else do I want to do? After being checked out for so long it is hard to be in touch with our true creativity and power.
I don't have the answers but I think the point is asking them, asking for help and
being open to something new and more fulfilling to your spirit.
Congrats on 193 days!!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by WhoDeyPI 
What was the point of getting sober to live longer, if my life just feels like one never-ending emotional mess? Why am I here? What is "the point" of my life? Am I destined to do something great, or is this life just going to be a rat-race to my demise?
First off, congrats on your sober time. Over 6 months is awesome. But in the overall scheme of things, 193 days is still early recovery. I know it probably doesn't feel fair to say, but it is. I had more personal growth from year 1 to year 2 sober, and maybe even more during my third year sober.
So no, your life will not be one unending emotional mess. But the next few days, weeks, months, might be.
You should google PAWS, Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome. Might just explain what you are going through.
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Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
I'll cosign Carl's statement. I'm almost at two years sobriety and I consider myself still in early recovery as well.
Does your employer offer substance abuse counseling as part of EAP? I've been seeing a LCSW once a month and have found it to be helpful. I'm an introspective person so therapy has never unearthed any repressed memories or emotions but I find it does help to talk to somebody in a confidential setting.
As for the meaning of life? I've flirted a little bit with nihilism...is there a God and is there a meaning to all of this? Maybe? Maybe not? But whatever the reason I'm here and I'm sentient so I want my remaining time to be as joyous and pleasant as possible.
Does your employer offer substance abuse counseling as part of EAP? I've been seeing a LCSW once a month and have found it to be helpful. I'm an introspective person so therapy has never unearthed any repressed memories or emotions but I find it does help to talk to somebody in a confidential setting.
As for the meaning of life? I've flirted a little bit with nihilism...is there a God and is there a meaning to all of this? Maybe? Maybe not? But whatever the reason I'm here and I'm sentient so I want my remaining time to be as joyous and pleasant as possible.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Oh boy, WhoDey - I went through exactly the same thing at about that point in sobriety. And those thoughts still pop up from time to time. I guess I was expecting or hoping that life would be all bright and shiny all the time after I got sober, and it just wasn't. Sure, lots of things were better, but the underlying monotony and hamster wheel of life was still there. I have always struggled with this - big questions about the meaning of life, my place in the word, my purpose. I would get all wrapped up in those thoughts and feel depressed and somewhat hopeless.
Here's how I deal with it - I find small things to look forward to. I plan little day trips to go to places I haven't been. I look for museum events I'm interested in. I go hiking in the woods. I make an effort to find things to be grateful for every day. I go to an AA meeting and try to help another recovering alcoholic. There's more, but you get the idea. Anything to get out of my own head for a bit. To remind myself that I am not that important, in the grand scheme of things. It seems to relieve that pressure I sometimes feel to make something grand out of my life, to figure out why I'm here, why any of us are here.
I think what it boils down to is this - we are here just to be here for each other, really. Human connection is the name of the game. I don't think there's really any other grand purpose. All of the things we have to do to survive, like working, making money, setting up a home... that's all it is - it's just how we sustain ourselves so we can live and be a part of the human race.
I'm rambling and I'm not sure any of this makes sense. What I'm trying to say is - there's no pressure to figure out life. Just go along day to day, taking care of yourself and those around you. Let things flow. Be open to what the universe is trying to show you. Relax. Life is a lot easier that way. Have you looked into Buddhism at all? Might be something interesting to look at. There's some good thinking here.
Edited to add - I'm not really all that good at what I'm talking about here, yet. I'm not trying to say I'm some wise sage who has this licked. I'ma work in progress.
Here's how I deal with it - I find small things to look forward to. I plan little day trips to go to places I haven't been. I look for museum events I'm interested in. I go hiking in the woods. I make an effort to find things to be grateful for every day. I go to an AA meeting and try to help another recovering alcoholic. There's more, but you get the idea. Anything to get out of my own head for a bit. To remind myself that I am not that important, in the grand scheme of things. It seems to relieve that pressure I sometimes feel to make something grand out of my life, to figure out why I'm here, why any of us are here.
I think what it boils down to is this - we are here just to be here for each other, really. Human connection is the name of the game. I don't think there's really any other grand purpose. All of the things we have to do to survive, like working, making money, setting up a home... that's all it is - it's just how we sustain ourselves so we can live and be a part of the human race.
I'm rambling and I'm not sure any of this makes sense. What I'm trying to say is - there's no pressure to figure out life. Just go along day to day, taking care of yourself and those around you. Let things flow. Be open to what the universe is trying to show you. Relax. Life is a lot easier that way. Have you looked into Buddhism at all? Might be something interesting to look at. There's some good thinking here.
Edited to add - I'm not really all that good at what I'm talking about here, yet. I'm not trying to say I'm some wise sage who has this licked. I'ma work in progress.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 701
Perhaps explore the possibility of moving your "headquarters" from your mind (that cramped little broom-closet) to your spirit (that wide-open expanse).
For me this means total and complete emotional, mental and spiritual surrender.
For me this means total and complete emotional, mental and spiritual surrender.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Can I ask — how is your work life balance? Four or five years ago November (after years of extreme workaholism) I had a bit of an emotional breakdown. I’d significantly cut down on drinking, and I literally worked around the clock in NYC. I was home over Thanksgiving and saw my nephews and little cousins — everyone had families.
I had been building a career but literally doing nothing else. My entire social life was drinking with colleagues then drinking at home.
I got drunk and broke down crying.
Flash forward four years and I’m married with a newborn a short drive from my parents, siblings and cousins.
I was done with the “rat race.” Now all I ever want to do is exercise, garden, read, and play with my son and nephews and nieces. And I’m doing it all sober.
Not sure if this helps, but maybe you’re due for a change of scenery?
I had been building a career but literally doing nothing else. My entire social life was drinking with colleagues then drinking at home.
I got drunk and broke down crying.
Flash forward four years and I’m married with a newborn a short drive from my parents, siblings and cousins.
I was done with the “rat race.” Now all I ever want to do is exercise, garden, read, and play with my son and nephews and nieces. And I’m doing it all sober.
Not sure if this helps, but maybe you’re due for a change of scenery?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
All this is very helpful and exactly what I needed....different viewpoints and different ways of doing things....but all good ways. I'm going to work through these replies a bit backwards...
My work life balance: Not good. I'm a salaried employee, which means I'm required and get paid to work 9-5 m-f. Yet....I'm here 7-6 most days...because that's what I choose to do with my time. Then when I do go home, I can't mentally "check out". I'm always thinking about work, and what I want to accomplish the next day. I need that ability to "check out" but haven't figured that out yet.
I write everything. When I'm not writing, I'm talking to myself and recording it so I can write it down later. I didn't think I was writing a book, until one day, I had a thick pad of stories and thoughts...it looked like a book...so might as well write one. Writing helps, tremendously.
Work provided counseling isn't an option. We just don't have it. Being in the position that I am at the company, I'm more of a "partner" than an "employee"....meaning I get a say in what we provide to our employees, and that much just isn't in the budget right now. That being said, I may attend my first AA meeting at some point. Not because I need it to not drink...but more just to speak my thoughts. Just like I do on here.
I appreciate all the thoughts. Keep them coming!!! Love this place.
My work life balance: Not good. I'm a salaried employee, which means I'm required and get paid to work 9-5 m-f. Yet....I'm here 7-6 most days...because that's what I choose to do with my time. Then when I do go home, I can't mentally "check out". I'm always thinking about work, and what I want to accomplish the next day. I need that ability to "check out" but haven't figured that out yet.
I write everything. When I'm not writing, I'm talking to myself and recording it so I can write it down later. I didn't think I was writing a book, until one day, I had a thick pad of stories and thoughts...it looked like a book...so might as well write one. Writing helps, tremendously.
Work provided counseling isn't an option. We just don't have it. Being in the position that I am at the company, I'm more of a "partner" than an "employee"....meaning I get a say in what we provide to our employees, and that much just isn't in the budget right now. That being said, I may attend my first AA meeting at some point. Not because I need it to not drink...but more just to speak my thoughts. Just like I do on here.
I appreciate all the thoughts. Keep them coming!!! Love this place.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Yeah, sounds like you need to maybe figure out a way to work a bit less. Then you'll have time to get out and do some new things to refresh your soul. And AA isn't a bad idea. The connections I have made there go way beyond just not drinking. I don't feel like I need AA to keep me sober, but I do need it to remind me I'm not alone and there are people out there who understand the disease. I know I can do that here, but the face-to-face is different.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by WhoDeyPI
All this is very helpful and exactly what I needed....different viewpoints and different ways of doing things....but all good ways. I'm going to work through these replies a bit backwards...
My work life balance: Not good. I'm a salaried employee, which means I'm required and get paid to work 9-5 m-f. Yet....I'm here 7-6 most days...because that's what I choose to do with my time. Then when I do go home, I can't mentally "check out". I'm always thinking about work, and what I want to accomplish the next day. I need that ability to "check out" but haven't figured that out yet.
My work life balance: Not good. I'm a salaried employee, which means I'm required and get paid to work 9-5 m-f. Yet....I'm here 7-6 most days...because that's what I choose to do with my time. Then when I do go home, I can't mentally "check out". I'm always thinking about work, and what I want to accomplish the next day. I need that ability to "check out" but haven't figured that out yet.
It didn't really stop when I moved home, either -- leaving my work at work has taken a lot of time and small steps like:
- Since you are also a manger, delegate more of the day-to-day that you can (you may already be good at this). I've gotten a lot better over time at letting go and letting staff really own their projects.
- Turning off iPhone email notifications. I'll read my email when I'll read it. Even at work!
- Hitting the gym in the early mornings instead of the evenings.
- Switch to fiction/history audiobooks or classical musical on the drive home. Transition ritual (I used to exclusively listen to work-related podcasts).
- Cooking. Doing intensive diets like Whole30 or Paleo means I'm cooking the meals (which is my favorite hobby) and, as a result, not thinking about work.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
Congrats on 193 days. What I didn't see in your post is what you're doing for on-going recovery. At least for me, simply putting down the bottle was not enough. I had to actively work a recovery plan to start to change my thinking and behaviors, not just around drinking but also regarding the how I interact with others and deal with life.
For me, the step of AA helped me get to that point where I'm happy with the person I've become. Only the first few steps actually deal with not drinking - the rest is about self-reflection and improvement.
Others have had great success with individual therapy and other methods.
I too work a very stressful job in professional services. I've struggled with work-life balance. But because I've put in the work with my recovery, I now have positive coping skills and outlets that enable me to be a good manager, husband, and now, father.
For me, the step of AA helped me get to that point where I'm happy with the person I've become. Only the first few steps actually deal with not drinking - the rest is about self-reflection and improvement.
Others have had great success with individual therapy and other methods.
I too work a very stressful job in professional services. I've struggled with work-life balance. But because I've put in the work with my recovery, I now have positive coping skills and outlets that enable me to be a good manager, husband, and now, father.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
Originally Posted by Evoo
It's so tough. I can relate to this on so many levels. It's something I still have to work on, particularly when we get busy.
It didn't really stop when I moved home, either -- leaving my work at work has taken a lot of time and small steps like:
It didn't really stop when I moved home, either -- leaving my work at work has taken a lot of time and small steps like:
- Since you are also a manger, delegate more of the day-to-day that you can (you may already be good at this). I've gotten a lot better over time at letting go and letting staff really own their projects.
- Turning off iPhone email notifications. I'll read my email when I'll read it. Even at work!
- Hitting the gym in the early mornings instead of the evenings.
- Switch to fiction/history audiobooks or classical musical on the drive home. Transition ritual (I used to exclusively listen to work-related podcasts).
- Cooking. Doing intensive diets like Whole30 or Paleo means I'm cooking the meals (which is my favorite hobby) and, as a result, not thinking about work.
- I delegate all I can. Or, all I think I can. Maybe I need to let go a bit and delegate more. I like to be in control, and while I don't micromanage my staff, I do like to handle a lot of the work on my own. If you want it done right, do it yourself.....or just hire people to do it right...I guess..
- I listen to a lot of Murder/Horror podcasts. Maybe I need to switch that up a bit and listen to something more uplifting LOL
- I too love cooking, and try to do so all the time on the weekends. During the week, it always goes back to just being too worn out and tired to cook. I should definitely make time for that.
- As far as working less....that's the thing. Yes, I get my salary every 2 weeks like clockwork. Great, bills paid. However, I do get substantial performance bonuses. So my mindset is...work more...get those bonuses, use those bonuses for "me things". Travel...fun...concerts...etc.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
Fiction, especially reading engages the cerebral elements more.
And perhaps an existential questioning.
Is the question/answer to a 'meaningful life' a product of cultural imprint/perspective either accepted or rejected without individual evaluation introspection?
Is/ does what constitutes a 'meaningful ' life an idea that you come up with or one we have accepted as 'true'? ( this is where nonfiction/philosophic/cultural reading can come in to gain or re-examine some expectations/normative judgements as per 'meaning')
And perhaps an existential questioning.
Is the question/answer to a 'meaningful life' a product of cultural imprint/perspective either accepted or rejected without individual evaluation introspection?
Is/ does what constitutes a 'meaningful ' life an idea that you come up with or one we have accepted as 'true'? ( this is where nonfiction/philosophic/cultural reading can come in to gain or re-examine some expectations/normative judgements as per 'meaning')
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
I get those substantial performance bonuses too. I used to think that being rated as top performer and getting the bonus was both validation and money earned for killing myself on hours.
But for me at this point, money isn't more valuable than my wellbeing.
I've had some major life-changes in the past year. I have an 8-day old newborn to care for now. I straight up told the partners that I'm not shooting for a top rating this year. If my bonus goes down, so be it. I still get paid well in base salary. I've more than proven myself in the quality of my work and the business I bring in. This was a conscious decision I made for me and my family.
I'd suggest doing what's best for you, your well-being and your recovery, even if your performance bonus takes a bit of a hit.
But for me at this point, money isn't more valuable than my wellbeing.
I've had some major life-changes in the past year. I have an 8-day old newborn to care for now. I straight up told the partners that I'm not shooting for a top rating this year. If my bonus goes down, so be it. I still get paid well in base salary. I've more than proven myself in the quality of my work and the business I bring in. This was a conscious decision I made for me and my family.
I'd suggest doing what's best for you, your well-being and your recovery, even if your performance bonus takes a bit of a hit.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,057
This thread reminded me of the Monty Python film 'The Meaning of Life' song lyrics.
Why are we here , what's life all about ?
Is God really real , or is there some doubt ?
Well tonight we're going to sort it all out
For tonight it's the meaning of life
What's the point of all this hoax ?
Is it the chicken and the egg time , are we just yolks
Ore perhaps we're just one of Gods little jokes
Well ça see'est the meaning of life
Is life just a game where we make up the rules
While we're searching for something to say
Ore are we just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA ?
In this life , what is our fate ?
Is there Heaven and Hell ?
Do we reincarnate ?
Is mankind evolving or is it too late ?
Well tonight it's the meaning of life
For millions this life is a sad vale of tears
Sitting round with nothing to say
While scientists say we're just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA
So just why , why are we here ?
And just what , what , what , what do we fear ?
Well çe soir , for a chance , it will all be made clear
For this is the meaning of life
-see'est le sens de la vie , this is the meaning of life
Why are we here , what's life all about ?
Is God really real , or is there some doubt ?
Well tonight we're going to sort it all out
For tonight it's the meaning of life
What's the point of all this hoax ?
Is it the chicken and the egg time , are we just yolks
Ore perhaps we're just one of Gods little jokes
Well ça see'est the meaning of life
Is life just a game where we make up the rules
While we're searching for something to say
Ore are we just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA ?
In this life , what is our fate ?
Is there Heaven and Hell ?
Do we reincarnate ?
Is mankind evolving or is it too late ?
Well tonight it's the meaning of life
For millions this life is a sad vale of tears
Sitting round with nothing to say
While scientists say we're just simply spiralling coils
Of self-replicating DNA
So just why , why are we here ?
And just what , what , what , what do we fear ?
Well çe soir , for a chance , it will all be made clear
For this is the meaning of life
-see'est le sens de la vie , this is the meaning of life
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 462
Hey WDP
You are not alone, I went through a very stressful experience at around 8.5 months. I got through it but mentally I didn't handle it well at all, like you I just need the kind of release that alcohol used to bring me. and I couldn't have it
This may sound counterproductive but when I feel like that these days I take a step back from actively working on my sobriety, by that I mean I don't come here, I don't read sober lit or watch movies/documentaries about alcoholism. I tuck it all away for a few days and take a breather because I think it can all get a bit too much, all this soul searching is great but sometimes I need to stop for a while and just enjoy life.
The other thing I found helpful and had not been doing when I was super stressed was practicing gratitude, it really puts things into perspective.
If all that fails I get on the elliptical and blast some Swedish House Mafia until I feel better
The bottom line: stress is not for tolerating. Stress is a warning signal. It's a blinking yellow light that says, Pay attention. Do something different. Take care of yourself!
You are not alone, I went through a very stressful experience at around 8.5 months. I got through it but mentally I didn't handle it well at all, like you I just need the kind of release that alcohol used to bring me. and I couldn't have it
This may sound counterproductive but when I feel like that these days I take a step back from actively working on my sobriety, by that I mean I don't come here, I don't read sober lit or watch movies/documentaries about alcoholism. I tuck it all away for a few days and take a breather because I think it can all get a bit too much, all this soul searching is great but sometimes I need to stop for a while and just enjoy life.
The other thing I found helpful and had not been doing when I was super stressed was practicing gratitude, it really puts things into perspective.
If all that fails I get on the elliptical and blast some Swedish House Mafia until I feel better
The bottom line: stress is not for tolerating. Stress is a warning signal. It's a blinking yellow light that says, Pay attention. Do something different. Take care of yourself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
I'm mentally in a much better place today. The boss told me to take today off, but...here I am...at the office trying to make things happen. No worries, I'll take Friday off instead, long weekend means I can go to my "free" happy place...the mountains. In the midst of my emotional breakdown at the office last night, my boss wanted to know what the heck was going on with my mind, and I just hid it and didn't say anything. Then when I got home, I sent him an email trying to explain things the best I know how. He knows about my battle with alcoholism, and was one of the only people to see me when I was in the hospital with my bum liver....so he gets it. Everything will be okay.
In the meantime...I kind of went the other direction with the "work less" thing.....I applied for a PT Saturday/Sunday job at the local tea shop. Just for fun, and a new experience. I'm there all the time anyway, might as well get paid!
In the meantime...I kind of went the other direction with the "work less" thing.....I applied for a PT Saturday/Sunday job at the local tea shop. Just for fun, and a new experience. I'm there all the time anyway, might as well get paid!
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