Amaranth

I came across this article today, just wanted to share it


https://www.salon.com/2006/02/08/alcoholic_ex/

PeacefulWater12

Thanks for sharing. Uncannily accurate. I would also say is not just alcoholics that do all that, dysfunctional people in general do as well.

Leelee168

This speaks to where I have been lately... Thanks for sharing.

OpheliaKatz

So accurate. Thank you.

FireSprite

With addiction, you have to provide your own closure.

This was one of the most accurate statements I've ever heard from SR (from member lillamy) & it still sticks with me many, many years later. I think that pretty much summarizes this article in one sentence, lol.

Neither active addiction nor sobriety without recovery synch up with understanding or providing closure - how can they without awareness/acceptance & all that?

Sasha1972

I was intrigued by the columnist (Cary Tennis') take, as an alcoholic him/herself. The sense of no boundaries, no respect for others, no constraints on behavior, that is so dizzying and terrifying when dealing with alcoholics. You can never say "of course they would never do X" or "they're not capable of doing Y because they're a good person" - and then a few days or a few years later, they've done X and Y and are heading for Z. I think many of us have had the experience of feeling like we're hampered by having a conscience or a sense that there are some thing you just don't do, but we're dealing with someone who is not similarly hampered and who is relentless to boot. Active addicts and people with hardwired personality disorders do not have normal moral functioning.

Glenjo99

Excellent article. Especially "And beneath it all the whole time I know there is that poor little abused soul, which he can trot out every now and then to win your sympathy and pity. And he will do that if he can; he will put on his little "Howdy Doody Show." ".


Also this ---
Maybe it's lingering codependency that keeps whispering to me that there was something I could have done,

I had this recently. Back to detaching!

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic I'd say Cary Tennis nailed it. Rarely have I seen a portrayal of alcoholic thinking better than this. Who gets closure, anyway? I think it's basically time passing and the original "sin" fading in intensity ... like if you decide to revisit the past?

warrens

Interesting. I am one of those who believe there is no such thing as closure-only acceptance of what was and what is.

I am an alcoholic 7 years sober. Not only sober, but I've done the work. There is nothing in life that might cause me to take another drink.

Yet, I've left wreckage in my wake. I've made amends where I could, but that doesn't change what was. At the time, my ex could have written the Salon article.

We are now on somewhat friendly terms, but I know that she resents the man I was. And the man I wasn't. I think she wishes she might have done something to change things, but I know that wasn't possible.

The irony? Her leaving me was part of my "bottom" that drove me to eventually seek help. Today I thank her for leaving me. As I look back I don't know if I would have gotten the message otherwise.

This is a most cruel disease...

Warren