communication
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communication
I have had no contact with my husband for the past 2 months. In this time I have been recovering from major surgery and caring for my emotional wounds. I was just starting to feel ready to start a dialogue with him about the future; what we will do about our "joint assets" kids, house, farm......
Then I bumped into him a couple of nights ago and we had a quick chat. I asked if we could meet up soon and talk. He was pretty reasonable and said yes, we do need to talk. He seemed upset that I hadn't phoned him for 2 months??? he does know my number!!!
So what has changed in 2 months? I think the time of no contact has been really good for me, I feel much less wrapped up in the situation and am managing to look forward a little more. I asked him if he thought there was any chance of saving the marriage. I just wanted to be absolutely sure!!! He finally owned the fact that he is having another relationship. Up until now he has claimed it's just a fling and he doesn't even like her. So to me it's quite clear - we get a divorce, sell everything, split the proceeds, move on
Well if only if it was that simple. He says we can sell the farm but not the house - THE HOUSE IS FOR THE KIDS. His girlfriend is there a lot so I asked him how the kids were dealing with that (they do not like her. she drinks, a lot) He said he calls them when she's coming to the house and they go out (come to stay at mine basically) So it doesn't sound to me that the house is for the kids. It just feels like a way to manipulate me not to "sell the kids' house out from under them" so that he can just carry on doing what he's doing and not make any effort to resolve anything. He's saying sell the farm, keep the house. The farm is worth a lot less than the house (neither worth very much to be honest) I would not be able to buy anything else with the proceeds from the farm. Yes I could build a house on it and stay there but I really don't think I want to be neighbours with my husband now.
So I will phone him today and make an appointment to speak to him. I don't feel like even talking about the house yet, it's going to be far to difficult. I want to focus on agreeing to some aims:
to get to a place where we can communicate calmly
to present a united front to the kids (they feel like they have to pick a side, there are no sides if we agree)
to agree on how we are going to support the kids financially and practically. We have one finishing school this summer and the other dropped out of school and drifting.
I'm not back to my full power after nearly 6 months of illness and operations. I know I need to tread really carefully and slowly and also that my expectations will get me into trouble. I want to have an honest, calm and reasonable communication with my husband. Am I asking too much??
Then I bumped into him a couple of nights ago and we had a quick chat. I asked if we could meet up soon and talk. He was pretty reasonable and said yes, we do need to talk. He seemed upset that I hadn't phoned him for 2 months??? he does know my number!!!
So what has changed in 2 months? I think the time of no contact has been really good for me, I feel much less wrapped up in the situation and am managing to look forward a little more. I asked him if he thought there was any chance of saving the marriage. I just wanted to be absolutely sure!!! He finally owned the fact that he is having another relationship. Up until now he has claimed it's just a fling and he doesn't even like her. So to me it's quite clear - we get a divorce, sell everything, split the proceeds, move on
Well if only if it was that simple. He says we can sell the farm but not the house - THE HOUSE IS FOR THE KIDS. His girlfriend is there a lot so I asked him how the kids were dealing with that (they do not like her. she drinks, a lot) He said he calls them when she's coming to the house and they go out (come to stay at mine basically) So it doesn't sound to me that the house is for the kids. It just feels like a way to manipulate me not to "sell the kids' house out from under them" so that he can just carry on doing what he's doing and not make any effort to resolve anything. He's saying sell the farm, keep the house. The farm is worth a lot less than the house (neither worth very much to be honest) I would not be able to buy anything else with the proceeds from the farm. Yes I could build a house on it and stay there but I really don't think I want to be neighbours with my husband now.
So I will phone him today and make an appointment to speak to him. I don't feel like even talking about the house yet, it's going to be far to difficult. I want to focus on agreeing to some aims:
to get to a place where we can communicate calmly
to present a united front to the kids (they feel like they have to pick a side, there are no sides if we agree)
to agree on how we are going to support the kids financially and practically. We have one finishing school this summer and the other dropped out of school and drifting.
I'm not back to my full power after nearly 6 months of illness and operations. I know I need to tread really carefully and slowly and also that my expectations will get me into trouble. I want to have an honest, calm and reasonable communication with my husband. Am I asking too much??
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
You’re not asking too much at all.
If it is best for you to sell the house, then you should insist-through an attorney if you have to—to sell the house. He could also buy out your share of the house.
You can’t know where life will take your children and if they will ultimately want, or be able to, stay in the farm house. If he feels that strongly about it, let him buy you out and then he can move on.
Talk with him about things when you are strong enough to deal with him. Make your own timetable, don’t fall prey to his.
Best to you.
If it is best for you to sell the house, then you should insist-through an attorney if you have to—to sell the house. He could also buy out your share of the house.
You can’t know where life will take your children and if they will ultimately want, or be able to, stay in the farm house. If he feels that strongly about it, let him buy you out and then he can move on.
Talk with him about things when you are strong enough to deal with him. Make your own timetable, don’t fall prey to his.
Best to you.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Here it is par for the course. When you get divorced, and you want to keep the house, you have to buy the other one out, or sell the house. I kept some other debt instead of getting rid of the house, it was basically a swap. A big loss for me b/c I took on a lot more debt than what the house was worth, we should have just sold it. Oh well, it's done.
Basically, get an attorney and let the attorneys handle it. That is what you pay them for. It sounds like he is being unreasonable, that is not ok.
Basically, get an attorney and let the attorneys handle it. That is what you pay them for. It sounds like he is being unreasonable, that is not ok.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 229
Amaranth, I think it is now time to think about yourself and your kids. He doesn’t care about you, he went off with another woman in 2 months. Do whatever you have to including selling the house, you owe him nothing, harsh as it may sound.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i would have legal advice before engaging in any discussions with the other party about division of assets. DO NOT AGREE to anything. in fact i'd postpone "the talk" until i was on strong legal footing, knew my rights and had a plan...actually had multiple plans A, B and C.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
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I'm sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like your 2months no contact was a good thing though, at least from sorting things out.
When dealing with divorce, especially one involving an alcoholic spouse that is having an affair, and their are children involved, I think damage control is the name of the game. You need to put yourself and your children first and fight the battles that matter most. You and your children's financial, and emotional well being on the top of the list.
There's only two columns for asset division in a divorce though. Yours and his. It sounds like he's creating a third column as some way to keep the house for himself and pretending he is doing it for the kids. It doesn't work like that though (with the exception of custodial accounts or college savings or assets you have already put in the children's names). He can gift what he wants to the children after division of assets (and of course so can you), but he shouldn't be able to make his "half of the pie" bigger in the name of the kids and then keep it himself.
When I divorced my ex-wife we went to a mediator. What the means is essentially we worked out the agreement ourselves, with the legal guidance of the mediator who is a divorce lawyer trained at mediation. The mediator worked for us both. We then each took the agreement to our own lawyers for review. Even though there were technically 3 lawyers involved, I found it to be a process that de-escalates a lot of potential arguments and costs less than an adversarial divorce. If mediation doesn't seem like it would work, then definitely get a divorce lawyer. You'll do the same steps either way, there will just be a lot more letters sent back and forth in an normal divorce process.
One of the first parts of the divorce process is an inventory assets (property, bank accounts, investments, etc). We had a real estate agent come and assess the value of our home. Other financial assets of course can be easier to value., but real estate is what someone is willing to pay.
My ex also wanted to stay in the marital home. We divided our assets 50/50, so that just meant that the assessed value of the home went in "her" column of final asset division. As long as we each had 50% total in each column, it didn't matter if she had 100% home equity because I had 100% in some other asset. It just so worked out for us that the equity in the home wasn't so high that she had to buy me out.
For the mortgage, I submitted a "quit claim" deed and my ex was able "assume" the mortgage. That means my name was removed from the mortgage without need for refinance. It might have been the case that she couldn't assume or refinance the mortgage because her of finances. In that case we would have had to sell the house and split the proceeds. In some cases, if a homes value is hard to assess or the divorcing parties disagree on the value, that might be best.
I agree with anvilheadll in that you shouldn't agree with anything unless you are under legal guidance and know your rights. Don't promise to the him the house "for the kids" or tell the kids you will do so. In the end you only can control your own actions, so hopefully your ex will play fair. Keep things as calm as possible an de-escalate arguments, but protect yourself.
Sending my support and wishing you luck
When dealing with divorce, especially one involving an alcoholic spouse that is having an affair, and their are children involved, I think damage control is the name of the game. You need to put yourself and your children first and fight the battles that matter most. You and your children's financial, and emotional well being on the top of the list.
There's only two columns for asset division in a divorce though. Yours and his. It sounds like he's creating a third column as some way to keep the house for himself and pretending he is doing it for the kids. It doesn't work like that though (with the exception of custodial accounts or college savings or assets you have already put in the children's names). He can gift what he wants to the children after division of assets (and of course so can you), but he shouldn't be able to make his "half of the pie" bigger in the name of the kids and then keep it himself.
When I divorced my ex-wife we went to a mediator. What the means is essentially we worked out the agreement ourselves, with the legal guidance of the mediator who is a divorce lawyer trained at mediation. The mediator worked for us both. We then each took the agreement to our own lawyers for review. Even though there were technically 3 lawyers involved, I found it to be a process that de-escalates a lot of potential arguments and costs less than an adversarial divorce. If mediation doesn't seem like it would work, then definitely get a divorce lawyer. You'll do the same steps either way, there will just be a lot more letters sent back and forth in an normal divorce process.
One of the first parts of the divorce process is an inventory assets (property, bank accounts, investments, etc). We had a real estate agent come and assess the value of our home. Other financial assets of course can be easier to value., but real estate is what someone is willing to pay.
My ex also wanted to stay in the marital home. We divided our assets 50/50, so that just meant that the assessed value of the home went in "her" column of final asset division. As long as we each had 50% total in each column, it didn't matter if she had 100% home equity because I had 100% in some other asset. It just so worked out for us that the equity in the home wasn't so high that she had to buy me out.
For the mortgage, I submitted a "quit claim" deed and my ex was able "assume" the mortgage. That means my name was removed from the mortgage without need for refinance. It might have been the case that she couldn't assume or refinance the mortgage because her of finances. In that case we would have had to sell the house and split the proceeds. In some cases, if a homes value is hard to assess or the divorcing parties disagree on the value, that might be best.
I agree with anvilheadll in that you shouldn't agree with anything unless you are under legal guidance and know your rights. Don't promise to the him the house "for the kids" or tell the kids you will do so. In the end you only can control your own actions, so hopefully your ex will play fair. Keep things as calm as possible an de-escalate arguments, but protect yourself.
Sending my support and wishing you luck
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Join Date: Sep 2018
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Originally Posted by Givenup2018 
Amaranth, I think it is now time to think about yourself and your kids. He doesn’t care about you, he went off with another woman in 2 months. Do whatever you have to including selling the house, you owe him nothing, harsh as it may sound.
Thank you for your replies. Yes I think it is definitely time to sell everything. I don't want this to drag on for ever. I am feeling hesitant because the kids are very attached to the home they grew up in. As was I to the house I grew up in. My parents still live there but now that I have gone and forged my own life, would I want to live in that house? NEVER!!!
My husband is very good at painting me to be the baddie. I don't want them to hate me because I made us sell the house.
I hadn't even considered him buying me out because we live hand to mouth. He has no money. BUT..... his new girlfriend has just inherited a lot of money. Maybe she could buy me out.
I am going to see a lawyer on Friday. I am meeting my husband on Thursday. I'm going to take it really slowly with him and just try to create some boundaries about what we are going to communicate about and how we are going to communicate. For our first meeting I think it's best not to try and actually talk about anything, just try to create a safe and respectful space to communicate in.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Yes, keeping away from specifics is a really good idea. Please remember you don't need to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.
Well first of all, there is no "we" anymore and he doesn't actually get to tell you whether or not you can sell an asset that is half yours.
The fact that you met him on the street and he tried to talk to you about not selling an asset already does not bode well for your conversation at all. He obviously has zero boundaries when it comes to discussions with you so please be prepared. I would not be at all surprised if he tries to railroad you.
Above all else, please remember that at anytime there is a door and you can just walk out of it. You owe him nothing. As you said you are still recovering and not 100 percent yet, don't let him bully you.
As for the children, a house is a financial asset after all and if I remember correctly you are coming up to a time where you will need funds to cover your moving to new accommodation? It's very easy for someone to say, oh just leave your money here! Unless the person is then handing you the actual cash, that's not helpful.
Unless you can afford to, right now, give them a huge cash gift, then it's time to sell.
Also, never forget, the girlfriend is living in the "kids house". So if you start to feel sentimental about it, just remember that.
As for them resenting you. If they can't see that their Mother is doing the best she can for herself, then there is not one thing you can do about that. You aren't the "baddie" you are a responsible adult looking out for yourself.
He says we can sell the farm but not the house - THE HOUSE IS FOR THE KIDS.
The fact that you met him on the street and he tried to talk to you about not selling an asset already does not bode well for your conversation at all. He obviously has zero boundaries when it comes to discussions with you so please be prepared. I would not be at all surprised if he tries to railroad you.
Above all else, please remember that at anytime there is a door and you can just walk out of it. You owe him nothing. As you said you are still recovering and not 100 percent yet, don't let him bully you.
As for the children, a house is a financial asset after all and if I remember correctly you are coming up to a time where you will need funds to cover your moving to new accommodation? It's very easy for someone to say, oh just leave your money here! Unless the person is then handing you the actual cash, that's not helpful.
Unless you can afford to, right now, give them a huge cash gift, then it's time to sell.
Also, never forget, the girlfriend is living in the "kids house". So if you start to feel sentimental about it, just remember that.
As for them resenting you. If they can't see that their Mother is doing the best she can for herself, then there is not one thing you can do about that. You aren't the "baddie" you are a responsible adult looking out for yourself.
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The house is not exactly an asset, it's more of a burden. The kids will not thank us for it when they are older..... when we moved there it was a ruin. We spent 10 years creating a beautiful home. It's off grid, has no road access. It was a wonderful place for the kids to grow up but they are teenagers now and will soon be leaving this small town to make their own way in the world.
It is hard work maintaining the house; pumping water, carrying everything up the hill. It's not big enough for the kids to share when they have families of their own. If it was left empty for any length of time nature would soon start to take it back.
I understand why all of us are so attached to the place. We built it ourselves, it is an incredible achievement but it has ceased to serve it's purpose. My husband has done nothing but complain about having to do all the work himself since I left.
My husband will not let go of it easily. It's the biggest achievement of his life.
BUT in the last few years we were talking about where we would live when we are old. The house is not for the old or infirm, it's too hard. If he was capable of rational thought he would accept he has outgrown that house and he would take some action to move on. Unfortunately, he's just taking the easy route. Short term thinking.
It is hard work maintaining the house; pumping water, carrying everything up the hill. It's not big enough for the kids to share when they have families of their own. If it was left empty for any length of time nature would soon start to take it back.
I understand why all of us are so attached to the place. We built it ourselves, it is an incredible achievement but it has ceased to serve it's purpose. My husband has done nothing but complain about having to do all the work himself since I left.
My husband will not let go of it easily. It's the biggest achievement of his life.
BUT in the last few years we were talking about where we would live when we are old. The house is not for the old or infirm, it's too hard. If he was capable of rational thought he would accept he has outgrown that house and he would take some action to move on. Unfortunately, he's just taking the easy route. Short term thinking.
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I am going to see a lawyer on Friday. I am meeting my husband on Thursday. I'm going to take it really slowly with him and just try to create some boundaries about what we are going to communicate about and how we are going to communicate. For our first meeting I think it's best not to try and actually talk about anything, just try to create a safe and respectful space to communicate in.
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atalose,
I just want to use this first meeting to set a scene where we can communicate. We have had a really incredible experience together as a family and I don't want it to end in fighting and lawyers.
I guess I just want us to talk about the things we agree on first....
supporting the kids financially and helping them to hurt less. They feel like they have to pick a side. I want us to show a united front to the kids and try to unravel ourselves from each other with as little damage as possible. There has been enough of that already.
I'd like to try and set a timeframe for making major decisions. I don't want to go in guns blazing and say RIGHT I want to sell everything!!
I want us to come to a decision together that makes sense for the whole family and that we are all happy with. I don't want to live with bitterness and regret. I accept now that the marriage is unsalvagable. It has taken me a very, very long time to get here but I have actually been feeling the joy of acceptance these last few days. It is something I hear every week at my CoDa meeting but I have only just understood what that really means.
I don't want to fight. It's over for him, it's over for me. There is nothing to fight about. Do I have my head in the clouds? I am aware I am dealing with an alcoholic.
I'm just going to the lawyer for information. I'm hoping we can sort everything out without a lawyer. I just want to know where I stand legally incase I have to take that road.
I just want to use this first meeting to set a scene where we can communicate. We have had a really incredible experience together as a family and I don't want it to end in fighting and lawyers.
I guess I just want us to talk about the things we agree on first....
supporting the kids financially and helping them to hurt less. They feel like they have to pick a side. I want us to show a united front to the kids and try to unravel ourselves from each other with as little damage as possible. There has been enough of that already.
I'd like to try and set a timeframe for making major decisions. I don't want to go in guns blazing and say RIGHT I want to sell everything!!
I want us to come to a decision together that makes sense for the whole family and that we are all happy with. I don't want to live with bitterness and regret. I accept now that the marriage is unsalvagable. It has taken me a very, very long time to get here but I have actually been feeling the joy of acceptance these last few days. It is something I hear every week at my CoDa meeting but I have only just understood what that really means.
I don't want to fight. It's over for him, it's over for me. There is nothing to fight about. Do I have my head in the clouds? I am aware I am dealing with an alcoholic.
I'm just going to the lawyer for information. I'm hoping we can sort everything out without a lawyer. I just want to know where I stand legally incase I have to take that road.
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Amaranth, I have been divorced twice, I did the paperwork for both, no lawyers were ever involved. Neither ex spouse was unreasonable, neither was an alcoholic.
So I can only tell you what my experience was like. We talked, agreed to split all assets in half (as is legally required anyway), split funds, etc etc. No disagreements. Now, ideally, that is how it will go with you.
As for children, in my view they get zero say. Assets of the parents are not assets of the children, but and this is a big but, that is just my own personal view.
Children grow up, they have their own families and jobs and lives and in my opinion that is how it works - but again, just my opinion.
It seems to me, with divorce, that is between the two people involved. There is no need to takes sides. Kids, as they become adults, will make their own decisions based on the people their parents are and how they see that.
Do you have your head in the clouds? Please don't take this the wrong way, but maybe a little bit. Two things I see here.
First of all, he is not being reasonable. When you had the discussion when you ran in to each other. Before insisting that "we" not sell the house did he ask you how you are doing financially, ask how you are healing? Does he know where you are living and how you are taking care of yourself financially?
No, I didn't think so (that's a big red flag).
The second thing is, it sounds like everyone in this mix is taking their own corner (besides you that is). Are your children asking, what is best for everyone? What are Mom's challenges right now and what does she need?
Is the ex asking the same?
Sounds to me like no one is. So while it might sound a bit "guns blazing" to you, if you don't stick up for yourself, no one else is going to.
So I can only tell you what my experience was like. We talked, agreed to split all assets in half (as is legally required anyway), split funds, etc etc. No disagreements. Now, ideally, that is how it will go with you.
As for children, in my view they get zero say. Assets of the parents are not assets of the children, but and this is a big but, that is just my own personal view.
Children grow up, they have their own families and jobs and lives and in my opinion that is how it works - but again, just my opinion.
It seems to me, with divorce, that is between the two people involved. There is no need to takes sides. Kids, as they become adults, will make their own decisions based on the people their parents are and how they see that.
Do you have your head in the clouds? Please don't take this the wrong way, but maybe a little bit. Two things I see here.
First of all, he is not being reasonable. When you had the discussion when you ran in to each other. Before insisting that "we" not sell the house did he ask you how you are doing financially, ask how you are healing? Does he know where you are living and how you are taking care of yourself financially?
No, I didn't think so (that's a big red flag).
The second thing is, it sounds like everyone in this mix is taking their own corner (besides you that is). Are your children asking, what is best for everyone? What are Mom's challenges right now and what does she need?
Is the ex asking the same?
Sounds to me like no one is. So while it might sound a bit "guns blazing" to you, if you don't stick up for yourself, no one else is going to.
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"As for children, in my view they get zero say. Assets of the parents are not assets of the children, but and this is a big but, that is just my own personal view."
I agree you with you 100% If there's anything left when I die it will most definitely be theirs.
"Do you have your head in the clouds? Please don't take this the wrong way, but maybe a little bit."
I'm welcoming your honesty
"First of all, he is not being reasonable. When you had the discussion when you ran in to each other. Before insisting that "we" not sell the house did he ask you how you are doing financially, ask how you are healing? Does he know where you are living and how you are taking care of yourself financially?"
No, I didn't think so (that's a big red flag).
He did actually ask me how I was doing. I said I was struggling a bit and my life was pretty messed up (yes a bit dramatic, I know) He said "yeah? and the f*** do you want me to do about it?"
still a red flag
The second thing is, it sounds like everyone in this mix is taking their own corner (besides you that is). Are your children asking, what is best for everyone? What are Mom's challenges right now and what does she need?
Is the ex asking the same?
No, you are right. No one is asking these questions. They seem to think I am super woman. They always say "you'll be alright". The kids appear to be looking after their dad quite a lot.
Sounds to me like no one is. So while it might sound a bit "guns blazing" to you, if you don't stick up for yourself, no one else is going to.
Thank you trailmix. I'm glad to hear you had 2 "smooth" divorces. I will try with this strategy first but I have to not be attached to any outcome. I would love for it to be sorted out amicably.
But as my dad always says "the road to hell is paved with good intention"
I agree you with you 100% If there's anything left when I die it will most definitely be theirs.
"Do you have your head in the clouds? Please don't take this the wrong way, but maybe a little bit."
I'm welcoming your honesty
"First of all, he is not being reasonable. When you had the discussion when you ran in to each other. Before insisting that "we" not sell the house did he ask you how you are doing financially, ask how you are healing? Does he know where you are living and how you are taking care of yourself financially?"
No, I didn't think so (that's a big red flag).
He did actually ask me how I was doing. I said I was struggling a bit and my life was pretty messed up (yes a bit dramatic, I know) He said "yeah? and the f*** do you want me to do about it?"
still a red flag
The second thing is, it sounds like everyone in this mix is taking their own corner (besides you that is). Are your children asking, what is best for everyone? What are Mom's challenges right now and what does she need?
Is the ex asking the same?
No, you are right. No one is asking these questions. They seem to think I am super woman. They always say "you'll be alright". The kids appear to be looking after their dad quite a lot.
Sounds to me like no one is. So while it might sound a bit "guns blazing" to you, if you don't stick up for yourself, no one else is going to.
Thank you trailmix. I'm glad to hear you had 2 "smooth" divorces. I will try with this strategy first but I have to not be attached to any outcome. I would love for it to be sorted out amicably.
But as my dad always says "the road to hell is paved with good intention"
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When I divorced I typed up what I thought was fair. I gave it to him. He revised with what he thought was fair. This went on for a short time until we agreed, and then had an attorney file it. I lost financially big time b/c I was feeling guilt. I would NEVER do that again. It was not fair to myself or my children. That being said, it got it over with, quickly.
I sincerely doubt it can go as nicely as you would like. I have been mistaken before, but divorcing an addict is not a pleasant process. They are very self absorbed, when you really just want them to put the children first.
I wish you and your children all the best of luck. You are not alone, we are here, supporting you!
I sincerely doubt it can go as nicely as you would like. I have been mistaken before, but divorcing an addict is not a pleasant process. They are very self absorbed, when you really just want them to put the children first.
I wish you and your children all the best of luck. You are not alone, we are here, supporting you!
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Amaranth, there's been some great advice here. I would just add some points from my own experience.
1. You can try for good feelings all around but it only works if both of you feel that way. It sounds like that ship has already sailed with him (that's want happens when they have a new partner).
2. It's not the kids' business unless they plan to support you when you are old and poor. Sounds harsh, but as you observed, they'll be gone soon. Parents tend to overestimate their offspring's attachment to a house.
3. Remember that anything you let go of for the sake of good feelings or peace will go to him and his new girlfriend. They will benefit from your selflessness.
4. You need good legal advice before you can make educated choices about a settlement.
5. Any assets you retrieve from the marriage are much more likely to go to your children than his.
6. When you meet him for a chat, I suggest you do as much listening as talking so you can get an advance idea of his attitude. That can inform your own approach. Just because you want to play nice, don't assume he will.
1. You can try for good feelings all around but it only works if both of you feel that way. It sounds like that ship has already sailed with him (that's want happens when they have a new partner).
2. It's not the kids' business unless they plan to support you when you are old and poor. Sounds harsh, but as you observed, they'll be gone soon. Parents tend to overestimate their offspring's attachment to a house.
3. Remember that anything you let go of for the sake of good feelings or peace will go to him and his new girlfriend. They will benefit from your selflessness.
4. You need good legal advice before you can make educated choices about a settlement.
5. Any assets you retrieve from the marriage are much more likely to go to your children than his.
6. When you meet him for a chat, I suggest you do as much listening as talking so you can get an advance idea of his attitude. That can inform your own approach. Just because you want to play nice, don't assume he will.
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thank you for all the great advice. I met my husband today. He phoned and changed the appointment to lunch instead of afternoon coffee. Then he was 20 mins late......
but it was OK. we agreed to try and be friends. We agreed there is no argument because we are both happy to separate. We had a fine time and chatted for nearly 2 hours. I had a list of bullet points that I wanted to stick to which we mostly did. We talked about the kids mostly.
The question of divorce came up. He said he wasn't that bothered about getting one. I had to point out that I also have a say in that and I do want a divorce. He looked a bit shocked. I said we should talk about that another day.
The conversation kept going off into his car troubles which are extremely complicated it would seem. I had to ask him 4 times to stick to the topic, although I did listen to it for quite a while the first time it came up.
The matter of selling the house did come up and he said he didn't want to be forced into having to live with someone he didn't want to. He meant his girlfriend. I said that would be his choice and had nothing to do with me. I said in a divorce the assets are split 50/50. This doesn't seem to have occurred to him before.
He talked about helping me out financially. He seems to have money just now, but I won't hold my breath on that one. We're going to see each other again in a few days. I'm going to the house to get some of my things that are still there. I have a lot of stuff there to sort out but he says it's not bothering him.
Again he claimed the other woman is not his girlfriend.... so boring.... he won't even call her by her name. He said some really horrible things about her. I said he was being very disrespectful to her and he said "I know" and laughed. mind boggling.
So he is not totally opposed to the idea of selling everything. I told him why I would never live there again due to the physically demanding lifestyle and now that I have experienced illness I want to grow old somewhere easier. He really seemed to hear me on this and asked if I would get the whole thing valued.
So baby steps. He is totally self absorbed and hasn't thought very hard about the road ahead. Hopefully, he will start to think about a little more and we will talk again soon.........
thank you all for your great advice and support
but it was OK. we agreed to try and be friends. We agreed there is no argument because we are both happy to separate. We had a fine time and chatted for nearly 2 hours. I had a list of bullet points that I wanted to stick to which we mostly did. We talked about the kids mostly.
The question of divorce came up. He said he wasn't that bothered about getting one. I had to point out that I also have a say in that and I do want a divorce. He looked a bit shocked. I said we should talk about that another day.
The conversation kept going off into his car troubles which are extremely complicated it would seem. I had to ask him 4 times to stick to the topic, although I did listen to it for quite a while the first time it came up.
The matter of selling the house did come up and he said he didn't want to be forced into having to live with someone he didn't want to. He meant his girlfriend. I said that would be his choice and had nothing to do with me. I said in a divorce the assets are split 50/50. This doesn't seem to have occurred to him before.
He talked about helping me out financially. He seems to have money just now, but I won't hold my breath on that one. We're going to see each other again in a few days. I'm going to the house to get some of my things that are still there. I have a lot of stuff there to sort out but he says it's not bothering him.
Again he claimed the other woman is not his girlfriend.... so boring.... he won't even call her by her name. He said some really horrible things about her. I said he was being very disrespectful to her and he said "I know" and laughed. mind boggling.
So he is not totally opposed to the idea of selling everything. I told him why I would never live there again due to the physically demanding lifestyle and now that I have experienced illness I want to grow old somewhere easier. He really seemed to hear me on this and asked if I would get the whole thing valued.
So baby steps. He is totally self absorbed and hasn't thought very hard about the road ahead. Hopefully, he will start to think about a little more and we will talk again soon.........
thank you all for your great advice and support
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