Devastated- Can't do this anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
Devastated- Can't do this anymore
I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 3 years. The past 6 months have been really tough. He has destroyed everything that was good in his life, and I, being a "fixer", have done all I can to try to help him get out of the ditch and move forward with his life. I have learned now not to give him $$, but have helped him get into a sober living home, and given him the tools to help him get moving with in a better direction. He moved into the sober living apartment at the end of january, and within two weeks he crashed and burned, got a DUI and landed in jail His parents bailed him out, sent him to a psychiatric hospital for a couple of days, and his sober living place took him back. He applied for jobs, landed a good job which he is supposed to start on Tuesday, so things were starting to look up, but today he started acting weird again, and of course, he had started drinking again. I just had a very tough conversation with him, where he was begging me to come and get him and bring him back to my house, so that he could still be ready to start his job on tuesday, but I can't do it anymore. I told him no. I can't keep bailing him out. He is making me out to be the bad guy. Keeps calling and asking me to help him. I am at my end with this. I love him, but I can't do this anymore. I know he is sick, and can't help himself, but I feel like I've been used and thrown away, over and over again. He can't understand why I want to end our relationship. I am just completely spent. I'm a very compassionate person, and don't like to see people suffering, but this is killing me slowly. I just don't understand anymore......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,626
Angel- you do not understand addiction, because it cannot be understood. It seizes the addicted person and consumes them. It defies logic and addiction follows only one rule- that there are no rules.
Addiction is all consuming to the person who is caught in it's web.
An addicted person will find the means and the environment to keep drinking or using or whatever. This starts with damage caused to others- but eventually consumes even themselves- where the addiction is more important than anything else.
All the crap behaviours- lying, cheating, stealing, emotional blackmail....
It changes a person, so who we see is not a true representation of who they were.
To keep supporting such a person enables them to keep up getting drunk or whatever.
I am the alcoholic who is defined above.
I destroyed my family unit.
My (now) ex rescued me from many incidents where I needed medical intervention and at the end- had to cut me loose to get on with her own life without such a destructive person, as did my 2 adult sons.
The last medical intervention was me burning to death (in a blackout, revived three times).
Then I was homeless...
I have a little credibility- as am now 3y sober and doing well. I leave my family be.
You need to look to your future and safety. Only the addicted person can help themselves- and this as to be proven with evidence of doing something about it over months and years.
I used to ring a place that offered rehab- let the phone ring once, then hang up. Then repeat a few times. That way I could say I rang 3 times, but there was no answer and I would try again tomorrow.
Do not put your life in a holding pattern, where in years to come, nothing has changed.
My reflections are about me and my experiences.
My prayers to you and for your partner.
Addiction is all consuming to the person who is caught in it's web.
An addicted person will find the means and the environment to keep drinking or using or whatever. This starts with damage caused to others- but eventually consumes even themselves- where the addiction is more important than anything else.
All the crap behaviours- lying, cheating, stealing, emotional blackmail....
It changes a person, so who we see is not a true representation of who they were.
To keep supporting such a person enables them to keep up getting drunk or whatever.
I am the alcoholic who is defined above.
I destroyed my family unit.
My (now) ex rescued me from many incidents where I needed medical intervention and at the end- had to cut me loose to get on with her own life without such a destructive person, as did my 2 adult sons.
The last medical intervention was me burning to death (in a blackout, revived three times).
Then I was homeless...
I have a little credibility- as am now 3y sober and doing well. I leave my family be.
You need to look to your future and safety. Only the addicted person can help themselves- and this as to be proven with evidence of doing something about it over months and years.
I used to ring a place that offered rehab- let the phone ring once, then hang up. Then repeat a few times. That way I could say I rang 3 times, but there was no answer and I would try again tomorrow.
Do not put your life in a holding pattern, where in years to come, nothing has changed.
My reflections are about me and my experiences.
My prayers to you and for your partner.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,851
Then don't watch. I am so sorry you are in this situation. You did the right thing by telling him no. He will never learn to stand on his own until he has no other choice. Yes, he is sick, but it isn't true he can't help himself. He has had several opportunities to do so, but he continues to "crash and burn."
I suggest not taking his calls and cutting all communication with him. You need time away from the madness. Let go or be dragged. If you continue on, he will take you down with him.
I suggest not taking his calls and cutting all communication with him. You need time away from the madness. Let go or be dragged. If you continue on, he will take you down with him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and can't help himself
yeah he can. he has many people running around trying to fix and arrange things for him. he is choosing not to take advantage of that hand up and make the changes that would bring benefit and recovery to his life. he has options and opportunities......which are all choices he can make.
good for you on saying no.
yeah he can. he has many people running around trying to fix and arrange things for him. he is choosing not to take advantage of that hand up and make the changes that would bring benefit and recovery to his life. he has options and opportunities......which are all choices he can make.
good for you on saying no.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 124
It is your codependency that is telling you that he cannot seek recovery himself without you being around. Alcoholics love to stay in victim mode just like codependents love to stay in victim mode and believe that without their help, no one can progress . Save yourself because if you don't... you will sink with him. You cannot control if , when, where, how of his recovery just like you cannot control his addiction . Your addiction to him will keep you on the hamster wheel. He has the choice to not take the first sip. He has the choice to pick up the phone and find himself a rehab. He has the choice to get the help he needs- but you probably are the last person who will get him there. We think we have that much power over someone - we don't. I am powerless over people, places and things- and my addiction kept me so tied down in an abusive relationship. Emotional unavailability is damaging to a partner and being alone in a marriage was the worst feeling I went through hoping next time it won't happen. Let him go. Let him figure out his path. Trust the journey your higher power has planned for you. Without that, you will go insane in this disease.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Wow Phoenix, what a great post, thanks for sharing that.
Angel, you are doing the right thing (and I think you know that).
You can want to help someone, I get that, who doesn't want to help someone you care about? Would have to be pretty cold hearted.
The truth is though, you are not helping him. You have been with him 3 years, has your help - helped at all? Not a bit. He is still wrapped up in his addiction and in fact you mention that in the past 6 months it has really spiralled out of control.
So, I think we can safely say that any "help" he is receiving is not working.
You probably ask, why is that?? You have given him money (in the past), probably food, a place to stay, a hand up, encouraged him, probably told him off many times, no doubt spoke to him calmly and used rational ideas like, you are a good person, you need to kick this an you will have a good life, we can build a life etc etc.
The reason it's not working is because he is not taking that help. What he is taking is everyone's enabling of his addiction. He is now at a point where he has no where to go. He probably only went to the sober house because he had no where to go. Agreed to go the the psych ward to get bailed out probably and back to the sober house because he's homeless.
None of that changed one thing.
You are not helping him, you are sacrificing yourself. Is that how you want to spend your life?
Keep saying no, you have made the right choice.
Angel, you are doing the right thing (and I think you know that).
You can want to help someone, I get that, who doesn't want to help someone you care about? Would have to be pretty cold hearted.
The truth is though, you are not helping him. You have been with him 3 years, has your help - helped at all? Not a bit. He is still wrapped up in his addiction and in fact you mention that in the past 6 months it has really spiralled out of control.
So, I think we can safely say that any "help" he is receiving is not working.
You probably ask, why is that?? You have given him money (in the past), probably food, a place to stay, a hand up, encouraged him, probably told him off many times, no doubt spoke to him calmly and used rational ideas like, you are a good person, you need to kick this an you will have a good life, we can build a life etc etc.
The reason it's not working is because he is not taking that help. What he is taking is everyone's enabling of his addiction. He is now at a point where he has no where to go. He probably only went to the sober house because he had no where to go. Agreed to go the the psych ward to get bailed out probably and back to the sober house because he's homeless.
None of that changed one thing.
You are not helping him, you are sacrificing yourself. Is that how you want to spend your life?
Keep saying no, you have made the right choice.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,968
Originally Posted by Angel65 
PhoenixJ, thank you for your candor. I know what you say is true and right, but I have such a hard time removing myself from the situation when i see him suffer.
My XABF did eventually get sober but his sobriety had nothing to do with me. He did it in his own way in his own time. I was long gone by then.
Big hug to you Angel. What you are going through is completely horrid.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
In a way, rushing in to help anyone tells them you don't have faith in them to fix their own problems. It also takes power from them.
The time when he doesn't crash and burn, and achieves some positive step all on his own will be the time when he finally starts to have faith in himself. It's just that this has to play out and you might not have the time or energy to stick around what could be for years.
The time when he doesn't crash and burn, and achieves some positive step all on his own will be the time when he finally starts to have faith in himself. It's just that this has to play out and you might not have the time or energy to stick around what could be for years.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 356
Hi Angel
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I would recommend reading codependent no more and watching pleasure unwoven, if possible. Also look at all the resources here to educate yourself about addiction. Most of us here were the fixer and caretaker. I’m certainly 110% guilty of that myself. I just thought I was being a good compassionate human being but I now know that I did not do it in a healthy way. His addiction will,only get worse unless he is truly committed to getting clean himself. No one but him can do that. You cannot do anything to help him get sober. He has to want it ans be willing to work hard at it because it isn’t an easy feat. And addiction is hard to understand unless you have dealt with it personally, I always thought, if he just quit everything will be fine. Except for it isn’t that easy. There is so much more to recovery than just quitting drinking. He needs to get formal help, white knuckling it won’t last.
You are not married, you have no kids together. Nothing good will come out of this relationship if he is not willing to take recovery serious. So stick to your boundaries and don’t let him back in no matter how much he throws a pity party. He can check himself into rehab or bother family or friends to take him in. Alcoholics are master manipulators. You take him back he will,just continue to use and abuse you. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries. I know it is hard to not be able to fix things. But like they said already, you have no control over his alcoholism. If love could cure it then there wouldn’t be any alcoholics. My XRAH quit many times during the course of our marriage. But my love was never enough to make him quit until he was ready to quit. And by that time I was so detached and done that our relationship never recovered. We were married and have a kid. Had I not had a kid I’m pretty sure I would have left a lot sooner.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I would recommend reading codependent no more and watching pleasure unwoven, if possible. Also look at all the resources here to educate yourself about addiction. Most of us here were the fixer and caretaker. I’m certainly 110% guilty of that myself. I just thought I was being a good compassionate human being but I now know that I did not do it in a healthy way. His addiction will,only get worse unless he is truly committed to getting clean himself. No one but him can do that. You cannot do anything to help him get sober. He has to want it ans be willing to work hard at it because it isn’t an easy feat. And addiction is hard to understand unless you have dealt with it personally, I always thought, if he just quit everything will be fine. Except for it isn’t that easy. There is so much more to recovery than just quitting drinking. He needs to get formal help, white knuckling it won’t last.
You are not married, you have no kids together. Nothing good will come out of this relationship if he is not willing to take recovery serious. So stick to your boundaries and don’t let him back in no matter how much he throws a pity party. He can check himself into rehab or bother family or friends to take him in. Alcoholics are master manipulators. You take him back he will,just continue to use and abuse you. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries. I know it is hard to not be able to fix things. But like they said already, you have no control over his alcoholism. If love could cure it then there wouldn’t be any alcoholics. My XRAH quit many times during the course of our marriage. But my love was never enough to make him quit until he was ready to quit. And by that time I was so detached and done that our relationship never recovered. We were married and have a kid. Had I not had a kid I’m pretty sure I would have left a lot sooner.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
Originally Posted by trailmix
You are not helping him, you are sacrificing yourself. Is that how you want to spend your life?
I have been where you are, Angel. It was excruciating to turn away from my ex alcoholic bf in his downward spiral. But I wasn't saving him anyway. I did save myself though, and for that I wake up grateful every single morning.
Let us know how you are doing - we are here to support you no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Speaking as a recovering alcoholic what I know is we all have a choice. A choice to drink or not drink, get help or die. And in all the years I've stayed sober (27) I've not heard anyone say they stopped drinking for another person. There is nothing you can say or do that will make a difference. Do you want to be in the same situation a year from now?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
I was just re-reading all of these posts, and they really help. His problems continue, and I'm trying really hard to ignore his pleas for help. Of course that gets turned around and I am suddenly the bad guy, which is hard to swallow.
I fear the end is near for him, one way or another. He has burned his last bridge and will soon have nowhere to go and no-one to help him. Breaks my heart, but i am managing to remain disconnected.
I fear the end is near for him, one way or another. He has burned his last bridge and will soon have nowhere to go and no-one to help him. Breaks my heart, but i am managing to remain disconnected.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,851
If you keep pulling the scab off the wound, it will take longer to heal. Your best bet would be to stop all communication with him. There is no need for you to know what is going on with him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Breaks my heart, but i am managing to remain disconnected.
His problems continue, and I'm trying really hard to ignore his pleas for help. Of course that gets turned around and I am suddenly the bad guy, which is hard to swallow.
His issue is his inability to find sobriety your issue is your inability to find healthy ways to handle your feelings and emotions.
Maybe it’s time to get some help for ending this toxic and self-punishing relationship. Counseling, therapy, al-anon – something to help you begin to view it from a different angle.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I fear the end is near for him, one way or another. He has burned his last bridge and will soon have nowhere to go and no-one to help him. Breaks my heart, but i am managing to remain disconnected.
Angel65
Angel 65, when he has nowhere else to go, and no one else to help him, he might finally help himself. Whatever he does, if you focus on your own healing and well-being, your life will be immeasurably better every day.
I have been where you are, and life is good because I choose to be happy, no matter what.
Angel65
Angel 65, when he has nowhere else to go, and no one else to help him, he might finally help himself. Whatever he does, if you focus on your own healing and well-being, your life will be immeasurably better every day.
I have been where you are, and life is good because I choose to be happy, no matter what.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
