thousandwords53

Driving into work today, I had this overwhelming realization of how normal and great things are these days.

I am working half a day before the kids and I head off on our very first vacation. A REAL VACATION. First time on an airplane for them, and it is a tropical destination.

As I stopped to get gas this morning, in my own, newer, vehicle, that I pay for, and haven't been late once-I looked into my wallet and took inventory of my belongings, I have some cash on hand, a debit card that won't decline when I use it (lol), a credit card in my name- in good standing, and this feeling of accomplishment washed over me.

A year ago I was on food stamps and not paying rent so I could pay the power, begging and hoping for child support. Two, 3,5,10 years ago I didn't have a proper vehicle, had to beg my husband for grocery money, and for permission to drive the family truck- bring back receipts to vouch for my purchases. We made 6 figures yet were always poor and I was always to blame for spending and throwing money our left and right. All lies. For a long time I was made to believe I wasn't capable or able to manage things on my own.


I do not even know why I am posting this, but I wanted to share.
Taking control back one little thing at a time, I am climbing out of this hole and it is awesome.

SmallButMighty

One of the things I was most amazed about when I moved away from my AXH and had to support myself for the first time ever, on far less money, was how much MORE money I actually had on hand. One of my hugest fears about leaving was that I wouldn't be able to afford to live... I was shocked at how wrong I was....how wrong he wanted me to think I was...

Congrats on your financial freedom! And congrats on the well deserved vacation! Enjoy!

thousandwords53

I think I shared because fear held me back for a long time.
Financial fear a big one
Let go of fearful thinking

I told myself out loud today: Stop worrying
(was anxious about travel and fearing sabotage or something per historical usual)

Mango212

Thank you for sharing. This is great news and helps me in looking ahead. In being focused in where my feet are and what's ahead of me.

The momentum of good things happening is powerful and the more I appreciate the experience, I open my heart, mind and life to more of this.

Have a wonderful vacation!

dandylion

thousandwords….I am thrilled for you....and, I know exactly what you mean!
It was the same for me after I divorced my first husband...the father of my three small children.
Within a short time...my life changed so much, the difference was astounding...for both me, and the children. It was like walking out of prison gates....into a bright world, free of oppression.....

Yes, you might have posted, today, out of memory of the old fears...but, I am so glad that you did!! Both, for you...of course...and also for the newbies who might read your post. Those who are still so fearful about making change in their lives.....In fact, I wish newbies would go back and read all of your old threads that have led you to this great place, for yourself.

For Those Who Are Interested----to view a person's older threads...just click on their name...on the left hand side of the page....and, a menu will drop down...
then..just select previous threads from the menu.

thousandwords…..Have a wonderful and carefree vacation! I hop that you will come back, often, to post....for others on the journey.....you have such valuable knowledge, straight from the horse's mouth....and I think your sharing can help so many others. You are a valuable "Regular"...lol....

DriGuy

I'm happy you did. I enjoyed it.

Amaranth

thank you thousand words for your post.
I'm sitting here worrying about my future. I am in a fear place today but hopefully it's just for today. Your post has given me hope.
enjoy your holiday

Sasha1972

Same here! I was worried about my finances, would I be able to save for retirement, etc, when I first contemplated leaving ex - to my surprise , I found that my (single) income went just as far as our (combined) incomes had gone. I remember doing the math over and over because I was convinced I had made a mistake - I couldn't possibly have anything left over after paying the mortgage when I had only my salary coming in? But I did. Drinking is an expensive hobby.

(Ex is still draining my finances because he has added pointless court applications and legal challenges to drinking in his roster of hobbies. However, I'm still coming out ahead of where I was).

spiderqueen

I love this! You are setting a great example for your kids.

Have a wonderful trip, you have earned it. Take lots of pictures!
:

Maudcat

What a great thread. I am going to recommend it to anyone posting about struggling with leaving their adddict.

FireSprite

I can't believe how far you've come in such a relatively short time, TW.

Congratulations on ALL of your successes & joys. You deserve every bit of this happiness!!

thousandwords53

Hello everyone.
I don't visit here often or participate much and I apologize for that. My excuse is that life has been so good and full that I do not have time to even think about how things used to be, and have gone minimal contact with ExAH (cannot go no contact b/c of kiddos but that would be ideal) Before I left exAh I would log on here daily and ruminate over my current situation. He is background noise for the most part, for me, -the kids they are in more direct contact with him. They both miss him and are passive about their visitation together. Son clings onto time with Dad and girls would rather not go. Counseling has helped them tremendously- after a year wait list. Worth it and highly recommended. We are now on a "call if you need me" type schedule after a month of weekly visits, then every other week. I had to pay out of pocket but I did not care. How ironic that the money he sends for child support directly funds the therapy to get over their time with him.

I would say we are all doing really well, we joined a local rec club as a family of 4, DS11, DD7&DD7 enrolled into sports and dance- first time doing the extra curricular thing and we are nailing it! DS also joins me at the gym with weightlifting. He is in middle school and learning about growing up (eeew- puberty lol), the girls are social and active and enjoy singing and being girls. lol
We are still living with my parents and at times it is maddening to be back in the midst of the unhealthy dynamics of why I am the way I am. My parents come from a good place. I can recognize and usually work through my frustrations, at the aforementioned gym, lol.

I am still enjoying my new job and am dating someone amazing.
The biggest news and most surreal for me, is I am currently house hunting and plan to purchase my own home. This past weekend was the first time I went and viewed homes, made it more real (and scary) but exciting. My financing is pre-approved, something I have worked hard on is my credit repair. I never really thought I would get here. Life before with ExAh we would talk about owning a home again, but I could never really dream of the future. Deep down I think I knew it was all phony talk, now that I have my own space in life I can actually see the future and am making so much more progress doing life solo than I ever could have in a relationship that was wrong.

I will end this rambling update here, I just felt like spreading some more words of "the other side" as I noticed some new stories recently that were eerily familiar to me. Thank you all for "being here"

dandylion

thousandwords…..Hi, old Friend! (lol..not chronologically old)…..
As I have been on this forum for quite a while....I have seen a lot of members come and go....and, for some reason I have a special memory for some of them---and YOU are one that I especially remember!
I remember how scared you were to face the future....but, when you finally made your baby steps...baby steps...baby steps----WOW! Big Time Recovery!

I love hearing about all of the things that your children, now enjoy...and buying a house....fabulous.

I am so glad that you do remember to come back and share your story with others.....never underestimate how important that is...and, how much you "give back".....

Lunchbox1

honeypig

Replying to this in the open forum rather than by PM b/c it may benefit others to have this info too:

Lunchbox, anytime you want to read more from a particular member, just click on the member's name, on the left side of your screen. A drop-down list will appear, offering several options including "find more posts by Member X" and "find all threads started by Member X."

This feature is really helpful when you want to read someone's backstory. I've often used the "find all threads" function to find someone's earlier posts.

Hope that helps.

Eauchiche

Thanks so much for this thread!!!
I paid off a chapter 13 bankruptcy early and am house hunting too.

SmallButMighty

I think there are several reasons why financially I did better on my own. I'll get to that after a bit of an explanation....

In our home my AXH was always the main bread winner and always took care of the finances. He always managed to stay current on the bills and my bank card and credit cards always worked when I went to use them. I didn't question it. When my youngest child started middle school/ junior high I re-entered the work force. I got more interested in what was happening with our income, I wanted to know what was being spent where and why we were getting farther in debt when we now only had one child at still living at home AND much more money coming in. OOOoooooo he did not like that inquiry, and when he yelled at me asking if I wanted to do the finances and I actually said "Yes!"... he was shocked, I had always been intimidated by the way he juggled money and didn't think I could manage the way he did. When I this time said yes , I wanted to be in charge of the money, all hell broke loose. No way did he want me looking at those financials... he flipped out at me and left the house. (He was/is a flee'er when things get heated) I knew then we were in some seriously murky financial situations. It was especially scary because I didn't KNOW exactly what was going on. I did eventually find out I had been lied to about money and debt the same way I'd been lied to about so many other things.

Having lived the way we did on the dual income we had, I had no idea how I was going to manage financially on my own. When I tried to talk with him about it all I got were sneers and jabs , he said things like, ' I guess you should have thought about that before you decided to leave me" ( So much for our promise to stay friends)

The first month:
-I rented a small two bedroom place that included all utilities except my phone.
-I picked up extra shifts at work
-I was very thrifty with my grocery money
-I didn't buy any "extras" or go out to eat
-I didn't spend $1,000+ a month on booze (yes he drank at least that much)
-I didn't spend however much he was spending on tobacco (a habit he'd kept hidden)
-When I used my credit card, I paid it off, never holding a balance
-I didn't buy expensive impulse items on credit
-I gave back my nice vehicle to AXH (along with the payment) and bought myself a small, older, used car that had great gas mileage

After about my third paycheck on my own I noticed the weirdest thing... money was accumulating in my bank account. A couple months after that I actually loosened up my purse strings and started to live a little higher on the hog. I also started treating myself to the things I had been depriving myself of for years. I stopped working the crappy extra shifts I had been picking up and rested. I was amazed at how much more I had now that I wasn't living with a spouse who was not only wasting money on alcohol and other irresponsible purchases, but he had also been making some other very, very unwise financial decisions. I can't explain how free it felt to be untangled from that mess.

It was really, really scary to strike out on my own as a middle aged woman who had never lived alone a day in her life...but it was really, really worth it.

RollTide

It made my day to read your story SmallButMighty!

trailmix

Wow SBM, what a great post, so many good points in there.

I particularly think this one right here is SO important. Personally I look at finances as business, always have. I have also always been in charge of the finances and I'm good at it, although at least the people I chose to marry were also trustworthy.

All that said, it's so important to know where every cent goes, yes, every penny. Prior to online banking I actually used to balance my cheque book to the penny (I didn't start out that way but then realized how important it is).

Now, that's no longer necessary of course! You can look online at any moment and see where you are at, which is brilliant.

Both partners need access to every bit of financial information, both partners need to be aware of income, that should never, ever, be a secret when you are married or in a committed (living together) relationship and your finances are intermingled.

Does everyone need to gather around the table every week to review financials? Absolutely not but with a real overview of income and a good grasp of expenditures, you should be able to be comfortable and confident about it always.

honeypig

SmallButMighty, I hear echoes of my own financial situation in your post. When XAH and I first got together, I handled all the finances. Somewhere down the line, and I don't remember how or when, that changed and HE started taking care of the money. This went on for many years, and like you, once I was on my own, I actually saved MORE money on my one income than we had been saving while living together on TWO incomes (and XAH was a secret smoker, too, same as yours).

Things have been so much better, in fact, that when Franklin, my basset, recently needed emergency abdominal surgery, to the tune of $6K, I had the money PLUS MORE in my savings. It was a bite, but I was able to handle it myself, no need for a loan.

One of my most useful tools is an old-fashioned paper "budget book", where I record every penny I spend. It's so helpful to KNOW where the money is going, rather than wondering...

This:

is so, so true for me too.

Thanks for your post, SBM.