Meatball2

I have determined, that with my mom passing, that I need counselling, which is provided free from hospice.

After mom, I have crashed, and HARD... Sleeping pills and vodka are now my two new best friends.

Problem is I am too friggen healthy... ugh....

And my soul is in jeopardy going that route. I am the farthest thing from religon you can get, but have experienced things, a logical mind, can not explain.

dad is where he wanted to be... his box is on the shelf in my shop.

Moms mini urn is on my night stand...

but I havent felt mom in over 2 weeks....

For those of you like me, not religous... lose a parent, and out of no where youll be going about your day, and suddenly have a very odd feeling that someone is watching you, only multiply it by atleast 100.

then add good fortune, not monetary, or relationship, but when it happens, youll know...

After dad it freaked me out. my mom whos religous but knows I am not, explained it to me.

I am now pretty in tune...

when a person dies, the moment they die, they lose 7-12 grams of weight.... proven - thruogh science.

My mom passing, she was my rock. 3-7x a week often for over an hour at a time...

I have confided in trusted ppl on FB, who are in this field...

how do I tell someone that I have seriously considered blowing my head off with buckshot, but dont for fear that my soul would be rejected?

and still keep my rights?


Or running my truck in my garage listening to music, and just go to sleep, with out being locked up?

Honestly I am terrified of professional help.... on one hand I think it could seriously help me, on the other, it could bring me more problems.

Suzieq17

I am sorry to hear about your loss and struggle with it.

My dad is an alcoholic, and in the and essentially drinking himself to death. Deteriorated health—diabetes, stroke, etc.

I found all of this out two weeks ago and my world started to crash. I felt like my 10 year old self—helpless and scared and vulnerable and not knowing why—everything started spinning

I feel the same way you do about therapy—thoughts and all. I was overwhelmed by everything—life, death, my past—just everything. And I wanted out. My head is crazy and I can get my thoughts under control. I booked the appointment and I am happy I did. A therapist will listen and help—it’s what they are trained to do. I encourage you to do the same.

Lots of love from me to you. I’m here for you. I’m gonna try, I hope you will too!! Reach out for help.

Dee74

I know you;re terrified but I think you need professional help. I know it's scary but the self destructive things you're thinking about doing are not normal reactions to grief, meatball.

Please talk to someone, especially if you can't stop drinking. Swigging vodka can really mess up your mind and make not very good ideas sound good, or make good ideas, like getting help, seem like you'll lose your soul..

I've had what I recognise now as alcohol induced psychosis. Its not fun. I needed someone to guide me out , help me get sober, and separate the real from the unreal.

The hospice counselling sounds like a good way in, or you could ring one of the crisis numbers here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

D

Meatball2

Any thoughts on how to start such a conversation once I get into the little room?

I live in NY where if you fart wierd the Sheriff shows up to take all your guns away...

Its a real concern for me. Further I dont need to be entered into some databse that says im psychologically unstable and therefore am unfit to own fire arms...

while this may not seem to be a big deal for you, I do enjoy target shooting..... and those lists have a tendency to follow you for life...

plus a 72hr psyche hold at the local nut house would damn near bankrupt me since I have no health insurance...

:sigh:

Dee74

Counselling wasn't like that for me...granted I'm in a different country but I'm sure others will chime in with US experience.

If nothing else,do something about the sleeping pill and vodka diet - unless you're worried about withdrawal, thats something you can change without involving anyone else necessarily?

D

Guener

I have been suicidal before, Meatball, and I had the means to do so, but ultimately I was really trying to drink myself to death, literally. If you need to talk to someone, call one of those lines, post here, do anything but drink. Whatever your beliefs about the soul or unanswered questions about what happens to us when we die, you don't need to take a path that is really just pain. Put aside the alcohol and think about things with a more clear mind tomorrow, in the morning, but do so without the influence of something that is having a bad impact on your judgment center in your brain.

I am about to lose my father, very soon. He was supposed to go home today to Hospice care for the end but no ambulance was available to take him. I am thinking about dying and death because of his proximity to his own end. Today I am an atheist, but I have my own belief that it is unnatural for us to seek to end our own lives, for we are possessed of a form of consciousness that it seems likely that few other creatures have. Is it a soul? I don't know, but there is something special about being self-aware that deserves more than a meaningless end.

I don't know how old you are, but does it really matter? To be able to explore what it means to be human(e) in its form of being alive, and to oneself for itself, is a possibility that is real despite the pain that we feel in the present. For most of us, suffering is transitory, and it is illogical to prolong that state by our own means like drinking. Your emotions are valid for interpretation but only when sober. A therapist or a psychiatrist can help you through this temporary time of being out of order with yourself and with the world.

It is one thing to feel that you want to die, I know, but since you are here I think you just need to know that it's possible to feel that things can change. It does happen that things can be better, it just doesn't happen through a bottle. I put my idea of dying into a metaphorical box that I set up on a high shelf for a time, and then I would talk about my troubling thoughts with a therapist. I had the comfort of that box for a while, but I don't even think about it any longer, and I have major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder. I got help, and you can, too.

If you show up drunk and talk about your guns, you might be red flagged. If you show up sober and say you need help with your depression you will find compassion and assistance. You can continue to enjoy your target shooting later, just don't give anyone a reason to think you are unsafe to yourself or to others. If you feel that you are a danger to yourself, remove yourself from being in the presence of what makes you truly unsafe, and stop drinking, take a step by making an appointment for help.

You'll have to decide if you are ready to quit drinking, regardless. I'm not going to drink for the next 24 hours, and I have been doing that for quite a few days now but am still in early recovery. How about joining us in just not drinking?

MythOfSisyphus

I can appreciate all your concerns, Meatball. The US has some strange laws and unfortunately there can be unintended consequences to getting help. Still, there are ways. You might look into a support group or perhaps a religious figure if you're inclined.

I will say that none of your rights will matter if you don't survive! Take care of your life and health first.

bexxed

I might be able to offer some insight.

When I realized I needed professional help, after my first relationship ended and my parter subsequently committed suicide, I had similar concerns about the US system and how, when you seek help, you can “end up in a database”. At that time, I was also deeply concerned about taking SSRIs for reasons I don’t want to get into here, so as not to be offensive to anyone.

I found a therapist who was truly old school. I had to let go of any ideas of controlling my therapy. In retrospect it seems that she recognized that I was a mess from grieving, but because I’d always had underlying issues that the suicide triggered into a nuclear bomb for my mental health. She asked questions I didn’t want to answer and ultimately she saved my life by, slowly, over time, giving me tools to dig myself out of the terrible place I was in.

You can find therapists like her. They are usually “talk therapists”. Keep in mind that had I had an underlying disorder that absolutely requires medical or chemical intervention, like schitzophrenia, or BPD, she would have sent me to the right place for that, but I don’t and she didn’t.

The first thing you may want to say is less of a statement and more of a question. Ask the therapist what their philosophies of treatment are. If they just want to collect money from an insurance company, take a few notes, prescribe you something ASAP, and send you away, that may not be what you’re looking for. For many, that is what they are looking for and those people do them. I do me. You do you. If it works, it works.

My therapist doesn’t work with insurance companies and I think that’s the key. She accepts sliding scale and now that she helped me save my own life and I’m making more money because I’m not falling apart like I was, so, I give her more than I did at first. Google sliding scale therapist, ask around with other people, or try looking for one who doesn’t accept insurance. I found mine through an acquaintance who asked me how I was doing, and I just told her the truth.

Since then, after relocating and deciding I needed to go back for awhile, I had to look for one. Most will do the first session free of charge regardless of any insurance, etc. that’s the opportunity to ask questions.

Some people benefit from MDMR which is a technique used for PTSD that involves talk therapy combined with listening to these little beeps in your ears. I know people who swear by it. It didn’t work for me.

I’d also recommend opening your mind a little, and I’m not saying your mind isn’t open. I’m just saying, this lady was not someone I would have thought would be so amazing. She is quirky and had a little therapy dog, she talked kind of funny, had giant glasses, and said things offhand sometimes that made me think she was totally nuts. If she is, it’s in the best of ways, but I could have never gone back in the beginning. This little voice in my head just told me that I needed to, because if I didn’t I might well die. I didn’t understand why she thought I needed to address my grief by talking about things I thought were completely irrelevant to it, but what I got in the end is that not much is irrelevant that’s contained in the human brain.

Please reach out. In the end, even if you do end up in the extremely imperfect system we have in the US, reaching out and trying (honestly, trying) is better than swigging vodka and contemplating demise, I promise you that.

-b

Meatball2

the local Sheriff, just did a wellness check on me.

I am not angry, and am infact relieved that there are those on this forum, that are truly looking out for those of us dealing with some really bad ****.

I left a msg with the hospice people expect to hear back in the next day or so

as far as my interaction with the sheriff? it was alright a young guy who has both his parents, and an older gentleman, who lost his dad some years ago...

had to fight my dogs back lol


Im actually glad, that theres people here, looking out for those of us who sometimes cant look out for ourselves.