Dahlia85

Hello all,
I'm looking for advice as I'm sure everyone in here is. My husband is an alcoholic and drug addict but states he's not addicted to drugs (Just buys coke at lunch time!!) JUST alcohol. He has had x2 medical detoxes years ago before me but carried on. Hid drink from me when we got together. I could never work out why he was ill all the time but then found hideous amounts of empty vodka bottles. I moved out but he's somehow moved back in shortly after. He want to hospital for 5 day detox but no follow up and refuses councelling! 2 weeks when he got home he was wonderful then I saw the change. Again, admitted to hospital for 2 weeks due to an injury and had no alcohol now back to drinking as soon as he came out. He says it's okay as it's wine not vodka but he really can't see how he changes on drink. Never abusive but I feel drained. I feel he is never going to stop so how much can I take???

trailmix

That's completely your call, how much of your life do you want to sacrifice to his addiction?

You sound really unhappy and that's no way to live.

What is stopping you from leaving again, or you don't want to leave?

Wine not vodka - well, that's "quacking" as they say around here. Alcohol is alcohol whether that's beer, wine or whiskey.

Dahlia85

I am unhappy. I feel guilt somehow and make excuses for what he's been through. I know I am not to blame but feel I'd be throwing him out which won't help him either. I feel stuck

trailmix

How do you know that? It could be just the thing that makes him look at himself and say - enough drinking. Of course it might not, but that's not your problem or your call, he makes his own decisions.

It sounds like he has no problem with his drinking, you have a problem with his drinking. That's the bottom line.

There are only two places to go from there, you either stay and accept his drinking and I mean really accept as in, let him do his own thing (because you can't control another person anyway and why would you want to) or you ask him to leave and see how things go after that.

Doesn't necessarily mean the end of the relationship that's up to you (or him) what it does say is, you are not willing to live with an alcoholic anymore - your boundary, your decision.

Where does the guilt come from?

Dahlia85

Thank you, I think you've hit the nail on the head. It is my problem with his drinking, not his. I'd never thought of it this way!

I've enabled him to not take responsibility and I need to stop this I know.

I've has to stop him driving my daughter as I don't trust him. It's just sad to see alcohol take over a person. He admitted to me when he went for a detox last year he spent easily £600 a month on drink. I'd suspect it's even more tbh!!

the guilt comes from knowing what trauma he experienced years ago. That's why he needs to get councelling as obviously detoxes don't work.

Guess I'm just scared as I work shifts and ling hours and whether I can afford to live on my own with my daughter. My child isn't his so he has no requirement to pay anther dad is a loser.

trailmix

Well, you don't know what you don't know and that can be so unsettling and just makes you worry.

Why not make a plan to get information, that's it, whether you choose to do anything with that information is down the road but at least you don't have to just guess and worry - like - what if I ask him to leave, or I leave, am I entitled to matrimonial property division?

Speak to a lawyer, get the facts, then you don't have to worry about it, you will know how to proceed there.

Can you afford to live on your own, maybe, maybe not. Perhaps look at some rentals or just where you are now, is it feasible at all? Is it possible you would be entitled to spousal support (the attorney can answer that as well).

So once you actually have answers to that the "what if's" are so much smaller, you will know where you stand and what you can do financially.

Getting that information will go a long way in making your decisions easier.

As for the guilt, I totally understand your having compassion for him, why wouldn't you? He sounds like he is self-medicating but there are other options out there that he has decided not to use - which is ok, again, that's his choice. No need to feel guilty about him making his own choices, you don't need to agree to live with the repercussions of those choices though, unless you want to.

trailmix

I bumped the "Letting go of guilt" thread in case you might find it helpful.

Dahlia85

Thank you trailmix

atalose

I realized that every time I left only to return shortly after, again and again. Doing that was the equivalent of running out of a burning house only to run right back in when the fire hadn’t had a chance to be put out.

It takes time to wrap our minds around all of those future tripping fears and put them into proper prescriptive. You'll get there!

tomsteve

the night of my last drunk my fiance became my ex fiance. when i passed in the next morning i was informed of this and tossed to the curb. that was putting it all very nicely- she was quite brutal as she should have been.
that is what was necessary for me to get out of denial and accept that alcohol was the common denominator in all of my problems. thats what was necessary for me to receive the gift of desperation and get help.
that was 4/22/05. ive been sober since.

there was absolutely nothing she could have done to help me even if i didnt get sober.