Ustacallmelola

I have been attempting to stay sober for a decade. I am finally going to AA out of defeat, humility, and the acceptance of my powerlessness. I resisted for years because I am an Atheist and had a bad experience years ago in AA. I have been sober now for 15 days. I feel great. I have had sober periods before and always feel like a new person without alcohol. Yesterday I felt this strange emotion and realized it was kind of like happiness. I have not had that feeling in so long, I almost do not recognize it. I was convinced very recently that I was just going to drink myself to death and had accepted that.

It always boggles my mind that I make a choice to go back to feeling like total garbage for a drink. I suffer terrible insomnia when I drink. You think that alone would keep me sober. I have lost 2 good jobs because my brain was mush from hangovers and no sleep. I am now sleeping like a baby and feel well rested. I wear my alcoholism on the outside as well, complete with extreme puffy face and eye bags. I look AWFUL when I am drinking. My eyes are clear now and my face is back to normal. I struggle with depression and alcohol makes it 100x worse yet I drink because I am depressed. THAT is definitely insanity.

So in feeling so good, I am asking myself why I always choose the worst possible outcomes. Today, I never want to feel a hangover again. I am making my sobriety the most important thing in my life. If I do not, I know I will die from this disease. Choosing to drink is choosing death. I am working on just living in today and not worrying about tomorrow. That has brought my brain some peace.

I just know I do not want to go back to that place I always find myself in. I have to figure out in myself, why I always choose death over happiness.

doggonecarl

Congrats on fifteen days. Stay strong. This could be it for you, a real shot at sobriety.

I made it. A daily drinker for over 30 years. Sober for over 8. And happy.

Evoo

Hey Ustacallmelola, glad you posted.

Yeah I can definitely read a lot of my own story in this. I was actually talking to my wife about this last night, asking -- what is it about my brain chemistry that responds to alcohol this way? It's so destructive, the "high" so disappointing and so temporary, the cost a bargain with the devil far worse than any perceived short-term or social benefit.

It's because we're alcoholics. And the only defense is to remove the poison from our lives like the cancer it is.

You can do it! We can do it .

Lenono17

DriGuy

At some point in my recovery I had an emotion that I didn't recognize too. Being unrecognizable can sometimes be scary, because of the fear of the unknown.

I felt empty. Is that an emotion or lack of one? I'm not sure, but it's tied to emotion, especially when you've learned that being empty is usually considered a negative, and you are supposed to fill the void with something. But it's too easy to fill the void with negatives like resentment, chaos, and worry. I think so called chaos junkies fill the void with blown out of proportion drama. I used to think that was part of being alive.

I decided there is nothing wrong with emptiness. It's quiet and peaceful, and does not deserve a negative perception because of some conceived flaw. I don't experience it all the time of course, but I actually like it when it happens. If I had enough power over my subconscious, I would try to reserve a permanent place of emptiness where I could retire for some relaxing alone time.

There are a lot of desirable things that happen in my new life, and near the top of the list, perhaps the very top, is a feeling of contentment that happens with much greater frequency. Much of this happens because I don't feel the need to fill my quiet time with resentment, guilt, or thoughts of failure. I seldom struggle, which is a relief, because so much of my past involved struggle. It can be a horrible waste of time.

lightanddark

The phrase "chaos junkie" is perhaps the most fitting phrase I can ever find to describe myself. This post brings me true hope that I too can break that cycle of never ending struggle.

Thank you.

Zebra1275

I am finally going to AA out of defeat, humility, and the acceptance of my powerlessness.

That's pretty much the point I reached. AA gave me the boost I needed to get sober.

I'm coming up on my 9th year of sobriety, for which I am very grateful. I don't know what my life would be like now if I had continued down my drunken path.

Dee74

Hows it going Usta

D

Natom

Hey Ustacallmelola,

Congratulations on 15 days without the drink. I ask myself the same question multiple times on a daily basis. I've lost so much to my drug use. Without the drugs, it's extremely likely that I'd be in the middle of a very successful career, with my own home, and a family. As it stands I have none of those things. I am very self-destructive.

I guess the answer to your question is (and this is only my opinion) you are an alcoholic. And us alcoholics and addicts have some pretty bloody strange behaviours. We also tend to self-destruct at the drop of a hat. The way I'm attacking my addiction at the moment is with a multi-pronged approach; meds, NA, and counselling. I'm doing a taper and psychologically I'm beginning to feel better.

I had an incredibly bad experience in a local AA meeting many years ago. I'd just shared (about booze and drugs) and a guy called me a 'top-shelf junkie' and basically insinuated he was 'better' than me because he was 'only an alcoholic'. I found this really strange at the time because as far as I was concerned we were all just as sick as each other. Multiple people I knew from NA also went to AA because there were more meetings locally. If I had taken what he said to heart I never would have gone to another AA meeting. Try to get to a few different meetings if you can because even though they follow the same program their tends to be different types of groups and different structures (topic groups, speaking groups, big book groups etc)

I wish you the best of luck on your journey and I hope that you work it one day at a time. If you need to, start working it one hour at a time. And if that's too much try half an hour, fifteen minutes or one minute. Eventually, those minutes become hours. Always remember that every feeling will pass.

Natom

DriGuy

I'm surprised he could not recognize the similarities of addiction.

For me AA was almost entirely about the people. Meetings almost always follow a recognizable structure, but groups of people vary widely in knowledge, understanding, and tolerance. Some are more difficult to deal with than others, especially for outsiders. A serious outsider seeking help needs to be aware and tolerant of these differences also. Otherwise you won't have access to the positive aspects that are also available.

Rather than take outward offense at a thoughtless remark, a patronizing inner chuckle might be warranted.

dafunbra

Congrats on the 15 days! That's great. I have a couple friends in the program with a lot of sober time that are pretty devout atheists. One uses Good Orderly Direction or Group of Drunks and the other uses the ocean as his higher power. Lots of ways to make it work as long as you believe there is something more powerful than you. And I've always been told to take what I can relate to and is helpful for me and leave the rest. And to look for the similarities, not the differences. AA and SR are what is keeping me sober today.