Misspriss2734

My fiance is 7 days in a 45 day rehab treatment. He is calling me telling me that he is coming home with me on Saturday when i go to visit. I am not ready but I also don't want to lose him. I am afraid that he will just walk out and leave and I will never see him again or worse- I will see him again high. He has been on a 6 month "crack" binge and caused an immense amount of damage (emotionally, mentally and financially). He is a great person sober but not at all when high. I can't even talk to him right now because all he wants to do is come home.

AnvilheadII

first off, it is not unusual for addicts to want to quit rehab a few days in....many get thru this phase and successfully complete treatment. however it can also indicate that the addict has no intention of getting clean and staying clean, they want out cuz they want to get high.

sadly, if being with you had been the solution,he wouldn't have gone on a six month crack spinner and ended up in rehab. you cannot cure him. you cannot serve as a rehab facility. i'd suggest NOT going to see him if his intention is to leave with you. he HAS to figure this out all on his own. you can't do it for him.

you also have been thru a lot because of this man, sober or high. he's still the same person underneath. you can't get just the nice guy part. you deserve better. you deserve to NOT live the life of an addict in active addiction.

Leana

Please get on the phone and call his rehab therapist. Tell him/her that he is threatening to leave when you visit and ask for help. You may be advised to postpone the visit, you may be asked to do a phone session, you may be asked to back off completely for a while and let him heal. If you truly love him then follow the therapist's advice. If he stays you will soon learn that his sobriety comes before anything else in his life including spouse, children, job, etc. While it may sound cliche- let him go- if he comes back to you it was meant to be if not- it never was. You can't hold on to a sick person without getting sick yourself. It just doesn't work. Good luck.

suki44883

That is a pretty good indication that he is not serious about recovery. If you allow him to come back, you are in for more of what you have already been through. Don't you think you deserve better?

Misspriss2734

I have called and talked to the rehab facility. They also advised me not to come. I am afraid he will just walk out and he is 4 hours away. But you are right, I have to take care of me. I feel like I have been through a war and I am dealing with all the damages it caused me. I need healing as well and time to do that. I did not think to see if they will do a phone therapy session but that seems like a good idea. I don't want him to think that I just turned my back on him but I want him to understand that I can't continue unless he really gets help and makes up his mind that he wants to be clean.

AnvilheadII

it's always an adventure when you tell an addict NO. but it's also the best way to get a real peek at their INTENT.

if he leaves rehab, it is not your fault. you would not be the reason he would leave....his addiction would be the cause. self-will run riot.

tomsteve

a friend of mine was life flighted to the hospital due to alcoholism. from there straight to rehab. a few days in he called his wife to say he was coming home. his wife replied,"you can leave but if you choose to do that the home you go home to wont be this one."
her boundaries had him reevaluate the situation.

atalose

The hard truth here is, if he’s wanting to leave after only 7 days he’s not thinking about you or your feelings or the damage he’s already caused, he’s only thinking about getting high.

This is where your ACTIONS needs to speak louder than the words he’s not going to hear anyway.

Troubledone

Setting boundaries without "turning your back on him" is a nice goal.

And - if you can't do both at the same time, in my experience, it's better to "turn your back" than get sucked back into the drama.

Oh, and my addict always reacted to every boundary as "I'm abandoning her" when in fact she was abandoning herself and her recovery. So, even if he doesn't really believe you are "turning your back", he may react to boundaries that way to keep you hooked and keep his plan B open.

Also, none of us wants to "lose" our addicts. I thought about that for myself and came to the conclusion that when my addict is not sober and in active recovery, I've already "lost" her (my niece). A relationship with an addict is really a relationship with the addiction, not the person and it seems to me, that an addict has to find their sober self before they have something to offer in a true relationship.

Hoping you find the balance that keeps you safe and progressing - apologies if any of this seems too harsh.

thequest

Until and addict or alcoholic wants to change they won't. Sounds like he went to rehab to appease someone else or just wanted a timeout from their life. Was this trip to rehab a promise to someone, a court mandate or doctor recommendation? Point being do they actually want to change.

Robert88

I left rehab early the first time and I really just wanted to get high. I am here for the second time and I am staying in sober living. Set some boundaries on him like the others have said.