clarity888

My AH wants to tell DS's school counselor about the A issue since he's entering inpatient this week. The counselor has to maintain confidentiality, right? AH wants support to be there at school for DS, which I agree is important. I have told AH that once he explains the A issue, the school may not allow him to work in certain roles he has at the school (I could be wrong, he is very much appreciated for the help he puts in). I just wonder if the counselor will tell other staff about it and it will turn into something that gets him removed from his volunteerism there. I guess I should not even worry about that, I'm just trying to prepare myself...

SparkleKitty

I think your instinct is spot on, clarity, in that this is not somewhere you should put your energy. There are some recovery programs who tout honesty as a core tenet, and personally I commend your AH for prioritizing his son's support. Neither of you can control what individuals at the school choose to do with this information, but it's your husband's to disclose.

Mango212

The school counselor should keep it confidential.

Part of my recovery is allowing these things to be known. Alcoholism thrives in secrecy. Recovery thrives with openness.

My husband was never excluded by teachers or administrators for having it known he is alcoholic.

No matter what, support for yourself and your son needs to be the priority.

dandylion

I sent you a PM...….

AnvilheadII

i would think after the recent revelations of how your son is reacting at home and at school - ie crying all the time, upset, shutdown - that you would be overjoyed that his father wants to come clean to the school counselor and take responsibility???

clarity888

Anvilhead--I am relieved that my AH wants to check into rehab. Overjoyed--well, sure, when he said it the first time, before wavering several times back and forth between last week and now. Also, I don't know how schools handle alcoholics who mentor kids at the school--will that go over well? Because I honestly don't know. Right now, I am at exhaustion point after having the flu the last three days and, honestly, my question was about how safe is it REALLY to disclose this sh*t to people at school. It's not me being ungrateful. It's not anything other than concern. It does not mean I am not encouraged or "overjoyed"; I'm just exhausted and worried. I have anxiety and depression and am having a hard time trusting the counselor disclosure thing, and I want to, esp since AH says "I get the most life affirming times from helping kids out at the school"--well, I am trying to help him NOT lose that whole life-affirming deal he's got going on.

clarity888

Thank you Sparkle & Mango...points well taken...Dandy I PM'd you but not sure I did it right...appreciate the viewpoints.

Sleepyhollo

I would think that the school counselor needs to keep that confidential unless he was drunk while doing his school activities. My XRAH would start drinking after he got home from work so not like he was drunk all the time. I don’t think he was ever drunk at a school event. So just because he is an alcoholic should not exclude him from school activities as long as he wasn’t drunk while doing those before. Few drunks are drunk all day long. A lot of them work during the day and then make up for it at night.
Also, it seems like that should really be the least of your (or his) worries right now. He is going to need to spend most of his energy on his recovery, my XRAH was on the school board when he went to rehab and basically dropped his school obligations while he was working on his recovery. My kid goes to a small private school but outside of the head master I am not sure her teacher even knew. She knew her dad was not at home but not sure if she knew why. Also you will find that a lot of people are affected by alcoholism. Headmaster has a sister who is an alcoholic. I found out about a lot of people that had someone close to them affected by this. You may find mom support and understanding than you expect. He is doing something about it, that a huge step in the right direction and people should respect that. Most will and the ones that don’t you don’t need. I don’t even think my kid’s friends know about him being gone for 90 days (I always did everything so nothing out of the ordinary ) at the time or even that he is a recovering alcoholic, I never told er she couldn’t share, she decided she didn’t want to (she was 6 at the time)

hopeful4

It would not hurt to remind the counselor about your request to remain confidential. Just my two cents.

FireSprite

Honesty with DD's teachers & counselors about stuff like this has always benefitted us. Unless it's a small-town gossip-mill situation, I wouldn't hesitate to increase the circle of support for DS no matter WHAT the consequences.

AH is an adult & if he's blown his chances here, that's on him. How many addicts have lost their families, careers, etc? You cannot control it & if you have this much anxiety over it, that can only come from putting his needs ahead of everyone else's. (sorry to be blunt, but there's no other way to slice that pie)

Detaching would do wonders for you, I promise. That does not mean you don't care about what happens, it means you recognize the limits of what you can control & give yourself a break from the stress of it all. It helps you reserve your energy for the places where you CAN make a difference - kids, work, home, self - any of those will be better off with this part of your attention.

I know it's not as easy as it sounds & that it took me a lot of practice to get it right - all I'm saying is, isn't it worth TRYING?

AnvilheadII

I am relieved that my AH wants to check into rehab.

i was not talking about rehab. i was speaking directly about your AH wanting to talk to your son's counselor about his drinking and the effect it is obviously having on his son.

well, I am trying to help him NOT lose that whole life-affirming deal he's got going on.

this is not your job. you are not in control of his life or in charge of arranging things for his benefit - fluff the pillows so to speak. that is all on him.

NYCDoglvr

Second hopeful4's advice to request counselor's confidentiality. It's better to not assume anything.

clarity888

Thanks for the input. He didn't mention to the counselor why, but did tell her he was leaving for several weeks. He and I will revisit the subject on family day Sunday, so that maybe I can tell the counselor about the A part...the goal is support for DS, like you said, Firesprite. Usually I'm better about detaching, but this type of long term absence brings up lots of new experiences to be had, questions of "where is AH", yadda yadda. Overwhelming, some--but overall, could not ask for more in terms of hope. I must let go of fear of stigma. Anvil, when I typed "I am relieved that my AH wants to check into rehab", I left out that I am also pleased he would identify a source of help for DS. I was typing quickly and just getting to where I'm out of bed, so flu brain is not my friend today. But we got AH dropped off, with a card of encouragement to trust the process and that we are very proud of him. I am grateful to hear everyone's experiences of schools generally being supportive...so thank you.

FireSprite

I think her teachers appreciated the honesty - it's so helpful to know WHY a child is struggling when you have so many different personalities to deal with every day & so many have their own dramas going on in the home. (My BFF teaches KDG) Ours have always acted grateful that we trusted them with the truth & even though DD is 14 now, I'm STILL in touch with her 1st grade teacher. She was so incredibly helpful during the hardest times - it really bonded us somehow & she likes to keep up with her as she advances through school. She's planning on attending DD's performance in April.

Years ago someone added "S" to the HALT acronym -

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Sick

I hope you can take the rest of the day off to get some very needed R&R!

clarity888

Thank you, FireSprite!