AH disclosing abuse.

Old 02-18-2019, 03:11 AM
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AH disclosing abuse.

He called me yesterday. We have been separated for about a month now during which time he has never tried to call me, only text me, so curiosity got the better of me and I answered.

He said he was calling because whenever he text he got angry responses and thought he must be coming across wrong. I told him he gets angry responses because his texts are just drivel about wanting to be involved with the baby and feeling sorry for himself. Nothing proactive whatsoever.

He ended up disclosing sexual abuse in his early teens whilst at boarding school, stating he believed it was what was behind his low self esteem and he relapsed because he didn't think he deserved a wife and a child, he went on self destruct basically because he was scared at the enormity of what was happening. He hasn't told anyone about the abuse, not his family or his counsellor or his AA group. He told me he finds himself visiting the person's Facebook, getting angry because the person has gone on to have what appears to be a wonderful life. He said he feels afraid to tell anyone incase they don't believe him and he was also raised with a get on with it type life. He said he is afraid of everything, every day, so he drinks to try not to feel anything.

​​​​I don't know what to do. The hard part of me thinks that regardless of this, I should stick to my guns and keep contact minimal. The soft part of me that has been through what he went through, wants to help. Wants to believe that perhaps if he gets professional help with this, maybe he can manage long term sobriety.

I am so confused. In four months, all going well, our son will be born. His first child. Part of me thinks I owe it to our son and to our marriage vows to do everything I possibly can to help AH and if in the end it makes no difference, at least I can tell our son I tried my very best when he is older.

The relapses I could cope with. They were short and sharp, a day or maybe two maximum at a time. What I couldn't cope with was the lies about having drank and the lack of communication from him afterward, other than a sorry. His attempts at recovery always seemed to stop at the stage where he was maintaining sobriety but not getting a life back for himself, shutting himself away in the house, afraid if he went out, he would be tempted to drink. Afraid if he got a job, he might drink. So not recovering, not drinking yet not moving forward. Just stuck.

I really need some advice, however I only really have my mother and as she is a functioning alcoholic (she would never admit it and would kill me for saying that) I don't think she is the best person to speak to.











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Old 02-18-2019, 04:14 AM
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This isn't a problem you can fix. That kind of abuse needs the help of a mental health professional. Is he willing to go? Or is he going to continue on the same path, using the abuse as justification for his addiction?

You know what? IF you decided to stay married, you could have a formal separation to minimize you financial obligations to him. If you got a divorce and he did get help and achieved sobriety, you wouldn't be the first couple to re-marry. If you divorced, and he found love with another, then you're divorced and co-parenting a child. None of those options are horrible.

As much as we want to help someone, it's worthwhile to keep expectations realistic about what we can actually do. I can manage a budget, and show someone how to cut expenses. I could show someone how to follow recipes and fix meals, and point him toward resources to learn more. I could teach someone how to use a sewing machine. If I thought I could help someone achieve peace over childhood abuse, I would be having delusions of grandeur. I'm not qualified.
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Old 02-18-2019, 05:00 AM
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Hi Purplethistles,

Anger doesn't help you, baby or husband. It's a very normal emotion that needs other outlets and solutions. Al-anon is often referred to as "the better parent club". This family disease of alcoholism effects all of us around it. We didn't choose it, yet there it is.

The self-assessment tests on the Al-anon website are beneficial.
https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/

The first question is enough for me:
1. Do you worry about how much someone drinks?

Yes. I do.

Here's a link of hope from the AA side:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...r-give-up.html (Never give up)


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Old 02-18-2019, 05:31 AM
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This is going to sound harsh... BUT... I feel like he's using this past sexual abuse as an excuse to drink. Therapy plus sobriety are the tools he needs to manage his life. If he wants to get help for what happened to him, he needs to see a therapist and stop drinking (simultaneously). Gabor Mate believes that all addiction comes from trauma -- that's one point of view, but if you look around AA, you will see that a large percentage of attendees have childhood issues. But also, almost everyone has childhood issues. Gabor Mate has a lot of videos on youtube if you want to check him out.

I think the causes of addiction are complex: it can be partly genetic, environmental, cultural, there might be psychological reasons, or maybe a personality disorder, or they just drank or drugged enough that they got hooked because they have poor impulse control. Who knows? Maybe it's all of those things. But this is not your burden -- it's his, he has to "solve himself". Another thing I want to add: I am a survivor of sexual assault and abuse. I am not an addict. If I have any bad habits (and I know I do), that's me being stupid. When someone chooses to do things that hurt themselves... and they keep doing it until it's no longer a choice, people might say, "they can't help it". Actually... at some point they COULD help it. And even while they are actively drinking, they could get help... if they wanted it.

At the moment, I would focus on the child. I think realistically, this child only has one available parent even if you are co-parenting. I have seen people with histories of childhood abuse totally implode when they were faced with parenting their own children. It can bring up lots of issues. Your child needs to have you. Anyone with an abuse history needs to be in therapy if they are going to parent (in my opinion).

However, it is hopeful that he disclosed his history to you. It might mean that he may one day get help for it... since he's okay with talking about it. I think it might take a while for him to understand the ways in which he was impacted by the abuse. Also I could be reading your post wrong. Maybe he's explaining that he DID drink to deal with his feelings and now he's not going to. If that is so, that is good. But still... you can't do anything with the information he gave you except say, "I'm sorry that happened to you", and maybe pray.
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Old 02-18-2019, 05:40 AM
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It was a brave thing your husband did, telling you about the abuse he experienced. This may be the only time he has spoken about it to anyone.

That being said, he will absolutely need skilled, professional help in order to move past this and regain his life. I hope that he can be encouraged to seek out that help so that he will be able to move forward.

Please know, this is a lot of information to take in for you, and you are not responsible for being his only support. Both of you will be in my prayers.
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Old 02-18-2019, 06:05 AM
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Old 02-18-2019, 06:23 AM
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Purplethistles…….your post brings many thoughts to my mind.....so, I will try to share some of them with you.....
First of all.....as has been already pointed out....you can't help him with what is going on in his own head. Even if you were a professional, you couldn't. You are to closely enmeshed....and therefore, lose your objectivity. And, he wouldn't accept it from you, anyway. You say, in other posts, that you "understand" this...but, I doubt that this is true...while you may intellectually see that this makes sense.....most of us have and intense inner directive that tells us that we CAN fix it, if we just try hard enough....

The kind of "help" that I hear him asking for is really for you to return to enabling him....and allowing him to return to the status quo, of yester year....
Alcoholics are pretty good at manipulating the loved ones (especially those who believe that they can help). He is doing a pretty good job of it, too....With a phone call he has you wavering---after you have stated so many times that you will not....He knows where your buttons are....he knows what works, when he pushes the right buttons....He knows what you want....and, he know what to say that gives you a fresh sure of "hope"....again....

Second thought----this brings up a common issue that is not very often talked about...not even on these alcohol/addiction forums. Yet, I see it as a big issue....
the sexual abuse of man and boys. It happens to women, commonly, of course...and many never talk about it....In my experience, I think that men are even less inclined to ever talk about it. Most never even tell their partners or wives.....Many won't even disclose it to a therapist...or others in a support group....
Drinking alcohol or taking drugs is a way of trying to deal with feelings...any feelings....good ones/bad ones. Drinking to cope with negative experiences...and to celebrate the new job or the cat's birthday. So, naturally, those awful feeling that come with sexual abuse, at any age, fall into the category of another reason the justify drinking.
There is help for him, if he is willing to reach out and ask for help to deal with his prior abuse.....There are some specific websites.....One of the most recommended and long standing is the following...

www.rainn.org.

This website can be a good way to start to get support and help for the victims...

I think that it would be a good move to tell him about that site....

I believe that the best way you can be of "help" for him is to Get Out of His Way.....and not enable him....
There are many others who are prepared to help him....those organizations that are designed for the victims of male sexual abuse...and abuse of all kinds....AA.....sponsors, therapists, psychiatrists (especially for medications).
As long as he thinks...and, you let him believe, that he can "come to you" for the help that he needs...he will not reach out to those who really can help....

Another thought....this ia about you, personally. It concerns me that you are not getting enough face to face support that you should have, in your situation. Being pregnant, of course, makes having support, for yourself, even more urgent.....
Purplethistles...it sounds, to me, like you have been, essentially, alone, for a long time.....Having him in the home, hasn't kept you from being alone in your responsibilities, and your other separations haven't kept you from being alone, in your responsibilities. It sounds, to me, like you have, basically, been a single parent for a long time.....
An observation that I have had for a long time...from my own experience and working with pregnant women (I am a medical person)…..is, that, pregnancy brings about an intense interest in "nesting". A desire to prepare the nest and desire the attentions and help of the other parent...this is very normal, and smart of Mother Nature. This is the very hard part, for the pregnant woman who is desperately wanting the alcoholic/addict to step up to the plate. I have so commonly observed that the active alcoholic will become even worse around the time of delivery and post partum period. I used to work at a woman's hospital and saw this all of the time.
This often brings even more hardship for the new mother......as the new mother can expect to be better off without the alcoholic/addict bringing an extra level of stress....here are much better people to help the new mother through delivery and post partum period.....Friends, family, neighbors, physician and other medical personell and support organizations directed at new mothers and newborns.....
Don't forget alanon…..you could really use their understaning and compassion, about now....

I, also, think that you brain is playing a trick on you.....Since he has been out of the house for a while....you are beginning to minimize the actual effects of the alcoholism.....forgetting how bad it has been on a day to day basis.....
This is common....Don't let your heart override your brain. Your heart can't be trusted, at this time. My advice is to keep your brain in charge....

Purplethistles...LOL...I could go on and on...but, I will cut it short, for now....
Keep posting....as there is so much to talk about....
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Old 02-18-2019, 07:17 AM
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I think the big issue here that you will have to realize is that you cannot fix this for him. Can he fix it? Yes, if he is willing. You have a baby to deal with, and give yourself about a year trying to fix him and raising a baby essentially by yourself....you have to look at what that would do to you. Your baby needs a stable mother. That would not lend to stability.

You can certainly encourage him to get the help he needs and look at his actions long term. Until then, my advise (since you asked), is to carry on and focus on you and your child.

Big hugs.
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Old 02-18-2019, 07:59 AM
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Thanks all. I have got a grip of myself now. I unfortunately experienced childhood sexual abuse, sexual abuse as a young adult and also I am a parent to a child that has suffered sexual abuse. I have spent most of my life feeling alone, from the moment I told my parents and they did not believe or support me then as a young adult, cutting ties with my family when they chose my abuser over me.

As said up thread, I did not become an alcoholic and in some ways, although I am not proud of it, perceive people that use drugs and drink tonumb themselves to life, as weak.

The above is why I wobbled this morning, remembering what it was like dealing with the abuse all on my own and the ways in which it still affects my life today. I suppose I thought I had enough 'experience' to help him, however even if I could, it wouldnt help his addiction. It may have been a trigger but is no longer the cause.

What I have done is contacted my local rehab centre, gathered the appropriate information and sent it to him with the suggestion he attends the 14 week inpatient rehab. I have told him that I cannot be responsible for him, be his counsellor or be available at the other end of the phone all day long. That my concern is purely for our son and the children I already have. That the best thing he can do, is take every help available for himself and so for our son.

That is where I will leave it. I don't love my husband anymore, I know that. I do still care however and that is because he is the father of my unborn baby. But only for that reason.
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Old 02-18-2019, 08:38 AM
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Wow. Bravo answer PT!!!! Just....Bravo.

I am sorry you and your child have had these experiences. My heart goes out to anyone who has, including your AH. My XAH had trauma in his childhood. It was not of this sort, but was very traumatic and I do feel that since he never got the help he needed it has molded him as a person. However, it does not "cause" him to drink.

It took me years to see this, so to hear you state this so clearly is wonderful and really does show your strength.

Keep taking good care of you!!!
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Old 02-18-2019, 10:16 AM
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Purplethistles…..since you are willing to send him rehab information....would ou be willing to send him the website address for sexually abused men and boys? Many people don't even know that it exists....

www.rainn.org
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Old 02-18-2019, 01:13 PM
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Originally Posted by OpheliaKatz View Post
This is going to sound harsh... BUT... I feel like he's using this past sexual abuse as an excuse to drink. Therapy plus sobriety are the tools he needs to manage his life. If he wants to get help for what happened to him, he needs to see a therapist and stop drinking (simultaneously). Gabor Mate believes that all addiction comes from trauma -- that's one point of view, but if you look around AA, you will see that a large percentage of attendees have childhood issues. But also, almost everyone has childhood issues. Gabor Mate has a lot of videos on youtube if you want to check him out.

I think the causes of addiction are complex: it can be partly genetic, environmental, cultural, there might be psychological reasons, or maybe a personality disorder, or they just drank or drugged enough that they got hooked because they have poor impulse control. Who knows? Maybe it's all of those things. But this is not your burden -- it's his, he has to "solve himself". Another thing I want to add: I am a survivor of sexual assault and abuse. I am not an addict. If I have any bad habits (and I know I do), that's me being stupid. When someone chooses to do things that hurt themselves... and they keep doing it until it's no longer a choice, people might say, "they can't help it". Actually... at some point they COULD help it. And even while they are actively drinking, they could get help... if they wanted it.

At the moment, I would focus on the child. I think realistically, this child only has one available parent even if you are co-parenting. I have seen people with histories of childhood abuse totally implode when they were faced with parenting their own children. It can bring up lots of issues. Your child needs to have you. Anyone with an abuse history needs to be in therapy if they are going to parent (in my opinion).

However, it is hopeful that he disclosed his history to you. It might mean that he may one day get help for it... since he's okay with talking about it. I think it might take a while for him to understand the ways in which he was impacted by the abuse. Also I could be reading your post wrong. Maybe he's explaining that he DID drink to deal with his feelings and now he's not going to. If that is so, that is good. But still... you can't do anything with the information he gave you except say, "I'm sorry that happened to you", and maybe pray.
^^^^110% what OpheliaKatz said ^^^^^
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Old 02-18-2019, 03:27 PM
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Hi Purplet,

I haven't read all the replies yet but the gist seems to be, hold to your plan.

I went back and read your other threads and after this post what I am thinking is, let's take everything he said as an absolute true fact, that he might never have ever turned to alcohol if he had not been abused and he could seek recovery now if it were not for the fact that it has affected his life so much (basically).

And that's ok, he is a grown man and if that is the way he wants to deal with his trials, that is 100% ok, he gets to make that choice, absolutely.

But when his choice is then to drag you and children in to his poor choices, that's where you have to draw the line and that is where you have drawn the line and you are strong and courageous to do that.

The other facts are (some of these points are direct quotes from your previous posts):

- He stopped going to AA - He did attend an appointment at a specialist place for dealing with alcohol and is awaiting assessment (back in September).
- Periodically he takes antabuse and drinks anyway
- He is in active addiction. These are not "relapses".
- You know he drinks and drives
- Gets verbally aggressive and usually goes off in the car
- He always lies, makes me feel awful for suspecting him
- He was drink driving, with myself and unborn baby in the car. I made him pull over and walked the short way home from there.
- My daughter witnessing me taking abuse like that, my father arriving and seeing me so upset
- He was supposed to pick up his stuff and discuss finances. He kept putting it off until finally you had to put it out in the garden to collect (this was just 3 weeks ago).

Not one thing on this list has changed. The only thing that has changed is that you now know about his abuse. It's good he trusts you to share it with and I do have compassion for him, but it changes not one thing.

Until such time as he seeks help, none of this changes.

Good for you for holding back from going back. I really admire your reasoning about all this PT.
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Old 02-18-2019, 04:04 PM
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Thank you trailmix, your posts always make so much sense and it really helps to see that list, you are completely right, not a thing has changed. If anything it has got worse for him, in that he is completely off the wagon now. I think he has manipulated me yet again, he knew I would respond about sexual abuse.

He text and text tonight, I ignored and ignored until I got one asking if I am going to talk to him. I replied stating that I wasn't his counsellor, that I had already spoken to him today and taken the time to send him information for rehab, that I did that for our son, not for him, that we are separated and I will not have him and his addiction taking over my life again. He has stopped now but his actions have yet again shown me how selfish he is, expecting me to be at his beck and call, when he wants to talk, whilst I have four kids to look after, one to grow and myself to take care of.
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Old 02-19-2019, 02:12 AM
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Hey PT, the fact that he's actually told someone about the abuse is progress, and I'm sure it wouldn't have happened unless you leaving caused him to take a hard look at himself and his addiction.

That said, admitting to past trauma is just the beginning of the journey for him. He knows there are many resources out there to help him, but he may have counted on you flying in to rescue him. You've done the right thing by standing back. He will either step up to help himself, or shove it back under the carpet.

Imagine if he finally organises treatment for himself. It will have so much more value that if its arranged by you.
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Old 02-19-2019, 02:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Purplethistles View Post
Thanks all. I have got a grip of myself now. I unfortunately experienced childhood sexual abuse, sexual abuse as a young adult and also I am a parent to a child that has suffered sexual abuse. I have spent most of my life feeling alone, from the moment I told my parents and they did not believe or support me then as a young adult, cutting ties with my family when they chose my abuser over me.

As said up thread, I did not become an alcoholic and in some ways, although I am not proud of it, perceive people that use drugs and drink tonumb themselves to life, as weak.
This reply was such a good answer and I'm glad that things are clearer for you now. I am sorry that you were sexually abused -- it's so much more common than people think, Please seek support from rainn if you have not already. I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but I thought that because there wasn't anyone "there" for me when I disclosed my sexual abuse history, that I had to be "there" for my ExAH. I thought I had to support him no matter what -- any decent person would do that. Also, my ex has a history of abuse, so his story really hit me in the feels. I thought I was doing the right thing... and it would have been the right thing if my ex wasn't an addict. In fact, my "support" just became enabling no matter what my intentions.

Yes, some parts of society think that addicts are "weak" and they condemn them. Some parts of society think that addicts are "sick" and that we shouldn't just "abandon" them. So don't beat yourself up about what you used to think -- it's a difficult disease to understand unless you have lived with it or next to it. I think it's a combination of both: weakness and sickness. It doesn't make a person less of a person. We rarely get to choose how we live... and we never get to choose how we die. Happy is the person who is gifted with the rarity of a life never knowing about coins with two faces.

If you DO have the opportunity to make choices about how you want to live, make them. It may not seem like it but there are billions of people on this planet and few people on this planet have that choice.
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Old 02-19-2019, 08:16 AM
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​​​​I don't know what to do. The hard part of me thinks that regardless of this, I should stick to my guns and keep contact minimal.
Listen to that part and stay away, there's nothing you can say or do that will help him.

I know people that roughly 95% of people who suffer childhood abuse become addicts/alcoholics. I know because that's why I was an alcoholic from my first drink (got sober in 1991). What I also know is it's up to the individual to get help (a shrink, therapy) and heal the damage. Only he can deal with the repercussion of abuse and alcoholism. And this time, go no contact.
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Old 02-19-2019, 03:18 PM
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I don't have advice for what you should do in your personal relationship, but my ex-A did the same thing. When I was firm we were over, he pulled the "I never told ANYONE but I was sexually abused" (in a 5 am voice mail, on MY BIRTHDAY) and even triangulated with his sisters and had them contact me to "verify" his and their memories. To me, this was a very manipulative move intended to tug at my sympathies and hoover me back. I didn't let it, I chose to have compassion for whatever he may have gone through at a distance.
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Old 02-19-2019, 03:36 PM
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Originally Posted by h00ped View Post
I don't have advice for what you should do in your personal relationship, but my ex-A did the same thing. When I was firm we were over, he pulled the "I never told ANYONE but I was sexually abused" (in a 5 am voice mail, on MY BIRTHDAY) and even triangulated with his sisters and had them contact me to "verify" his and their memories. To me, this was a very manipulative move intended to tug at my sympathies and hoover me back. I didn't let it, I chose to have compassion for whatever he may have gone through at a distance.
Yes, it's probably the third? time I've read of the same thing happening. I suppose it is a last ditch effort - whether consciously manipulative or not.

What it is basically saying is - you won't sacrifice yourself to the pain I feel (which is why I drink) but once you know that my pain is very great perhaps you will sacrifice yourself for it.

I doubt that is actually a conscious thought, just very self-serving.
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Old 02-19-2019, 04:20 PM
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Yes, it's probably the third? time I've read of the same thing happening. I suppose it is a last ditch effort - whether consciously manipulative or not.
Alcoholics will say anything to hang on to an enabler.
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