I Don't Drink
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
I Don't Drink
Started posting this story as a reply in another thread and it dawned on me it may have more value if I shared it as it's own vine. So here goes...
"I don't drink."
That's how I deal with the social part of this. Those words. No more, no less and not until I see it's being asked of me either implicitly or explicitly. Meaning, I don't offer that knowledge anymore until I kind of have to, or until I want to. I don't owe anyone an explanation unless I care to give it.
I'll explain a touch further.
On a recent business trip I met an attractive woman. We started talking and there was an instant connection. After about 20 minutes of talking she said to me "let's go have a drink."
I said, "sure."
We started walking toward the bar. Of course, in the back of my mind all kinds of chatter started up - should I tell her? will she care? should I drink (of course not)?
And then it dawned on me - this voice in my head provided an answer that - like so much of sobreity - is really really simple. "Order a coke. Quit acting like you owe someone an explanation for who you are. Pay attention to the conversation all this worry is rude and distracting and pointless."
So I stopped thinking about it. When the cocktail waiter arrived, she order a beer, I said "I'll have a coca-cola please."
She gave me the look. Kind of quizzical. And it was apparent that it would be rude if I didn't offer some sort of acknowledgment that I'd not ordered alcohol. So I replied to her quizzical look, casually but succintly: "I don't drink."
What came next was rather interesting. At first the conversation proceeded normally. But then she would more and more inject into the conversation - reveal really - a lot about her struggles with alcohol over the last year and a half. I said very little. She did most of the talking.
It was clear to me that she was at first providing it bits and pieces - sticking a toe in the water to see if it was safe. But as time went on I offered a few of my perspectives without getting to deeply personal. I could tell she was very non-committal about it all... perhaps still in denial.
I decided those - to a large extent - are her problems, not mine. And truth is, I would have preferred a conversation not so centered on those things - especially a non-committal one. But whatever. I politely ended the subject by looking at her in the eye and saying "it comes down to being honest with yourself, and trusting yourself. No one can do it for you."
She threw her arms around me and gave me a huge hug.
We then each caught our flights to different locations and that was that.
The larger point here is that all the worry about social situations etc. etc. is just that. Worry.
I don't drink. It's a simple thing. I've come to believe that those words will trigger people who may have insecurities about alcohol or insecurities about getting beyond the herd and group think. Emphasis on the herd and group think because there is a ton of it out there and very few forces will keep you from being yourself than those.
But people who are secure in themselves won't blink an eye at you.
And you don't really owe anyone an explanation unless you want to give it. And that's not rude at all. It's self-respect. In fact, it's probably rude if you are thinking about it to the point that you aren't present in the moment.
I mean, at some point in time we have to stand our ground a bit - with others and with ourselves. If you've done the hard work to get sober and sort out the trash we created in our lives, well, then we deserve to be confident and have boundaries and know that if people want to be part of our lives they have to respect us and not play small ball with such a serious subject.
And if someone doesn't really care or want to know anything about it I'm ok with that too. Because I don't drink. And there's as little to that or as much to that as anyone would like to know. Feeling compelled to tell the universe is likely just another sign of my over active ego anyway.
But I'll be damned if I'm going to make it the center of the universe and expend a bunch of pointless worry or anxiety over it... especially if in reality it makes others uncomfortable and they haven't or won't deal with their own stuff. Sorry, but I can not wear someone else's bags.. mine are and have been plenty heavy thanks.
I don't drink. I don't do it at home, at work, at the bar, at the gym, in my car, etc.. I just don't drink. So you want to go the the bar? Sure. You want to have a drink? Sure, I'll have a coke, or a root beer. You want to go to a party? Maybe. You want to know the story? Maybe, but there's better things to talk about really...
I just hope they aren't boring. These days I'm finding that bars and parties are mostly boring and pointless uses of my time. Even things like networking - I'm starting to think there's far more effective ways of doing that too. And it has nothing to do with me feeling like I'll drink. Because I don't drink. It has everything to do with me being more respectful to myself of where and who and when I choose to spend my precious time with.
Best-
-B
"I don't drink."
That's how I deal with the social part of this. Those words. No more, no less and not until I see it's being asked of me either implicitly or explicitly. Meaning, I don't offer that knowledge anymore until I kind of have to, or until I want to. I don't owe anyone an explanation unless I care to give it.
I'll explain a touch further.
On a recent business trip I met an attractive woman. We started talking and there was an instant connection. After about 20 minutes of talking she said to me "let's go have a drink."
I said, "sure."
We started walking toward the bar. Of course, in the back of my mind all kinds of chatter started up - should I tell her? will she care? should I drink (of course not)?
And then it dawned on me - this voice in my head provided an answer that - like so much of sobreity - is really really simple. "Order a coke. Quit acting like you owe someone an explanation for who you are. Pay attention to the conversation all this worry is rude and distracting and pointless."
So I stopped thinking about it. When the cocktail waiter arrived, she order a beer, I said "I'll have a coca-cola please."
She gave me the look. Kind of quizzical. And it was apparent that it would be rude if I didn't offer some sort of acknowledgment that I'd not ordered alcohol. So I replied to her quizzical look, casually but succintly: "I don't drink."
What came next was rather interesting. At first the conversation proceeded normally. But then she would more and more inject into the conversation - reveal really - a lot about her struggles with alcohol over the last year and a half. I said very little. She did most of the talking.
It was clear to me that she was at first providing it bits and pieces - sticking a toe in the water to see if it was safe. But as time went on I offered a few of my perspectives without getting to deeply personal. I could tell she was very non-committal about it all... perhaps still in denial.
I decided those - to a large extent - are her problems, not mine. And truth is, I would have preferred a conversation not so centered on those things - especially a non-committal one. But whatever. I politely ended the subject by looking at her in the eye and saying "it comes down to being honest with yourself, and trusting yourself. No one can do it for you."
She threw her arms around me and gave me a huge hug.
We then each caught our flights to different locations and that was that.The larger point here is that all the worry about social situations etc. etc. is just that. Worry.
I don't drink. It's a simple thing. I've come to believe that those words will trigger people who may have insecurities about alcohol or insecurities about getting beyond the herd and group think. Emphasis on the herd and group think because there is a ton of it out there and very few forces will keep you from being yourself than those.
But people who are secure in themselves won't blink an eye at you.
And you don't really owe anyone an explanation unless you want to give it. And that's not rude at all. It's self-respect. In fact, it's probably rude if you are thinking about it to the point that you aren't present in the moment.
I mean, at some point in time we have to stand our ground a bit - with others and with ourselves. If you've done the hard work to get sober and sort out the trash we created in our lives, well, then we deserve to be confident and have boundaries and know that if people want to be part of our lives they have to respect us and not play small ball with such a serious subject.
And if someone doesn't really care or want to know anything about it I'm ok with that too. Because I don't drink. And there's as little to that or as much to that as anyone would like to know. Feeling compelled to tell the universe is likely just another sign of my over active ego anyway.
But I'll be damned if I'm going to make it the center of the universe and expend a bunch of pointless worry or anxiety over it... especially if in reality it makes others uncomfortable and they haven't or won't deal with their own stuff. Sorry, but I can not wear someone else's bags.. mine are and have been plenty heavy thanks.
I don't drink. I don't do it at home, at work, at the bar, at the gym, in my car, etc.. I just don't drink. So you want to go the the bar? Sure. You want to have a drink? Sure, I'll have a coke, or a root beer. You want to go to a party? Maybe. You want to know the story? Maybe, but there's better things to talk about really...
I just hope they aren't boring. These days I'm finding that bars and parties are mostly boring and pointless uses of my time. Even things like networking - I'm starting to think there's far more effective ways of doing that too. And it has nothing to do with me feeling like I'll drink. Because I don't drink. It has everything to do with me being more respectful to myself of where and who and when I choose to spend my precious time with.
Best-
-B
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,871
Who knows? Maybe she'll think about that conversation on the way to her destination, or once she gets home, or maybe when she's thinking about having a drink. You planted a seed without really intending to. It's up to her to water it.
Great post! Thanks for sharing.
Great post! Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 241
Thank you for sharing this. A great post. I only have a few months under my belt, and I’ve done the over explaining thing when offered a drink. It really made me uncomfortable and I could sense the uncomfort of the others around me, saying no thank you or I don’t drink would have been so much cleaner. But I’m learning I don’t owe anyone an explanation, and most likely they dont really care to hear it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 674
Originally Posted by Finalround 
Another Best seller Buckley. You just know how to put the seemingly complex into its simplest terms. Thank you. Hope you don't mind if I steal your line?
Nothing to steal mate. I just repackage old ideas over and over. I just hope something I say helps.
Best to you-
-B
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
You killed it, away on business and with this post.
Loved this:
"I mean, at some point in time we have to stand our ground a bit - with others and with ourselves. If you've done the hard work to get sober and sort out the trash we created in our lives, well, then we deserve to be confident and have boundaries and know that if people want to be part of our lives they have to respect us and not play small ball with such a serious subject."
Nuff said.
Loved this:
"I mean, at some point in time we have to stand our ground a bit - with others and with ourselves. If you've done the hard work to get sober and sort out the trash we created in our lives, well, then we deserve to be confident and have boundaries and know that if people want to be part of our lives they have to respect us and not play small ball with such a serious subject."
Nuff said.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
This.
All the yeps.
Sometimes, we all have moments where we articulate these things so well and you nailed this one.
I am not afraid of social situations anymore, and haven’t been in awhile now, because of everything you just wrote here that I have never been able to articulate so well. This is me. I don’t drink. And I don’t owe anyone anything and frankly most of them don’t want it.
I came to this sideways, with the added channel of navigating food in social situations. Around the time I stopped drinking, maybe six to eight months before, a doctor told me the rash I’ve had all my life (which had gotten so bad I really needed attention) is directly caused by an autoimmune disorder that requires I eliminate gluten. I’m already vegetarian. So basically I’m “one of those people” which made me groan at myself. Because I was inwardly self conscious, uncomfortable, and annoyed by this, at first I over-explained without being really asked, about why I ordered this or that, or made up excuses about why I couldn’t go to a dinner at someone’s home, etc. To be fair, it’s really limited and if I was having someone over with those limitations I’d have no idea where to start. So I started feeling like I needed to explain how horrible the rash was, and watched people being really grossed out. Whoa bexxed, TMI. No, all I needed to do was say nothing unless needed, and then keep it objective and relevant only if necessary, and stop there. People don’t care. This is about me and me only. I applied that to drinking also and it was like flipping a switch. The only ones who make it a conversation are gonna do so because of them, not me. And they are none of my business in the same way that I am none of theirs.
Boundaries are wonderful.
Thanks for this post!
-b
All the yeps.
Sometimes, we all have moments where we articulate these things so well and you nailed this one.
I am not afraid of social situations anymore, and haven’t been in awhile now, because of everything you just wrote here that I have never been able to articulate so well. This is me. I don’t drink. And I don’t owe anyone anything and frankly most of them don’t want it.
I came to this sideways, with the added channel of navigating food in social situations. Around the time I stopped drinking, maybe six to eight months before, a doctor told me the rash I’ve had all my life (which had gotten so bad I really needed attention) is directly caused by an autoimmune disorder that requires I eliminate gluten. I’m already vegetarian. So basically I’m “one of those people” which made me groan at myself. Because I was inwardly self conscious, uncomfortable, and annoyed by this, at first I over-explained without being really asked, about why I ordered this or that, or made up excuses about why I couldn’t go to a dinner at someone’s home, etc. To be fair, it’s really limited and if I was having someone over with those limitations I’d have no idea where to start. So I started feeling like I needed to explain how horrible the rash was, and watched people being really grossed out. Whoa bexxed, TMI. No, all I needed to do was say nothing unless needed, and then keep it objective and relevant only if necessary, and stop there. People don’t care. This is about me and me only. I applied that to drinking also and it was like flipping a switch. The only ones who make it a conversation are gonna do so because of them, not me. And they are none of my business in the same way that I am none of theirs.
Boundaries are wonderful.
Thanks for this post!
-b
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 177
There was a time in my past I'd prob as a single man would v succumbed to an attractive lady s offer off a drink ( I think a lot of men have come unstuck in similar situations) but now as you said you can't play small ball with such a serious subject , I don t drink too , and proud to say it .
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,164
Originally Posted by Buckley3
It has everything to do with me being more respectful to myself of where and who and when I choose to spend my precious time with.
-B
-B
First, you didn't pass judgement on the woman (at least not during the encounter). "Let's go have a drink," and your response makes it clear that no judgement was being passed on the act of drinking.
Second and more important, you didn't pass judgement on yourself. When you do, the apologies usually follow: "I don't drink because..." No explanation is needed at this time, although maybe later if it's appropriate. Further discussion initially often comes off as some old temperance lady with a loud speaker on a street corner addressing the evils of demon rum. This is not conducive to friendly discourse when two strangers pass briefly in their lives.
After I was many years sober, a guy I had befriended asked me to go drinking with him on one of those one-bar-to-another evenings. He knew that I didn't drink alcohol, and made it clear that it wasn't a problem for him. Neither of us passed judgement. He just didn't want to be by himself, and I was kind of interested in seeing how I would react, being away from that environment for so many years (Seriously not recommended for newbies). I actually had an enjoyable evening. We talked. He got sloshed. I drank Cokes. He almost got in a bar fight with some guy, who eventually tagged along with us to the next bar. Sometimes, people just want to be with someone they feel they can trust. It's true for most of us, drinkers or not drinkers. It's not a big deal, and you are not required to haul your own baggage to the occasion.
I think that was the only time in 20 some years that I went to a bar, and while that occasion was enjoyable, once ever 20 years would be plenty.
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