Wombaticus

Anyone else have experience with their alcohol user family member/friend and adoption? My AP's drinking and withdrawal from social contact became a lot worse after his reunion with birth mother. It was a positive reunion, but one that has had a significant impact on our nuclear family over the last 5 years. Its a real struggle between supporting him with compassion through what must be very emotional, and not buying into his drama.

trailmix

Hi Wombaticus. I don't, but I do know that alcoholism has nothing to do with adoption.

You mentioned in your other thread:

This would be the case with the adoption, it's just more blame.

http://www.bma-wellness.com/papers/E...lcoholics.html

I HAVE to drink (or drug) to drown my sorrows!

"The victim of a dysfunctional childhood or the survivor of a difficult life, the addict attempts to persuade others, as he has largely persuaded himself, that continuing to engage in destructive addictive behavior is a rational and healthy response to his problems - or that if he does not drink or drug, he will fall apart or behave even worse".

Wombaticus

Thanks trailmix. Good advice. Gosh it's exhausting keeping your compass always pointed in a steady direction. I think I am constatly trying to work through trying to understand why this is happening.

trailmix

Totally understandable. You are going about your life, talking to non-alcoholics, doing regular stuff then all of a sudden you are confronted with someone blaming their drinking on the fact that they were put up for adoption (I'm assuming that's what's happening).

You kind of have to switch "modes" of thinking. It's like entering a different world almost where the norms don't apply, you have to actually think about what someone is REALLY saying or doing.

That's not easy, it's also not really necessary. Trying to figure out what is real, what is alcoholic perception or defense of the alcoholism is kind of not really helping you perhaps.

There can be underlying reasons why someone starts to drink. Depression, anxiety, other mental challenges, social anxiety, dysfunctional families.

Once the line is crossed from drinking to addiction, that's a different path.

It's one thing to say I will have 4 beers to relax after my horrendous week, it's another to say I will drink until black-out because once I start to drink I can't stop (or at the very least don't want to stop but might be able to sometimes).

It changes the functioning of the brain, the alcoholism is in control.

FallenAngelina

We shouldn't excuse alcoholism because of a person's past but adult adoptees are way overrepresented in addiction statistics. I'm an adult adoptee and have done extensive research on the life long, hidden effects of what our culture continues to sweep under the rug. Adoption is complex and often experienced as deep trauma, even in the most loving of situations. It's a trauma that happens pre-verbally and the person has no experience in the world of life before the trauma, so separation and loss are the very foundation of life. Every adoptee will differ in her experience, of course, but the life long effects of what most perceive to be a normal, loving situation can be devastating - and all the more isolating because there are precious few resources for adoptees who struggle with attachment and trust. Adoption is no excuse for alcoholism but I will tell you that there is very much a connection between the two. My experience of reunion with birth parents has been largely positive and enduring, but reunion can never fully put a person back together, such as is the common expectation.

I believe that I am not an alcoholic only because I don't have the genetic component. I am active in AlAnon because my struggles present as co-dependence with an alcoholic and terror of loss. Given the struggles with intimacy that continue to challenge me well into my sixth decade of life, I have no doubt that adult adoptees turn to substance abuse in order to deal with the ravages of a birth and formative experience such as no-one who has not been through can imagine. It's a brain alteration such as science fiction is made. Never, ever discount the life long debilitating effects of adoption.


Paul Sunderland gives extraordinarily helpful and insightful talks on the psychological effects of the adoption experience and on the connection with substance abuse.

dafunbra

I'm adopted. My birth mother has significant emotional trauma and mental issues to the point she is disabled and cannot work. My birth maternal grandfather died of alcoholism in his 50's. My birth father turned himself into a vegetable in a motorcycle crash right before the two of them were going to run off together. She was 15 at the time. He was 17.

I did not want to be found. I felt violated when she did find me at about age 25. The records were sealed and she broke any number of laws in tracking me down. Then she caused all kinds of crap in my life and in my then marriage with her stunts. I think she is also an alcoholic, but I completely blocked her out of my life about 12-13 years ago. It was and is an extremely emotional factor for me. Just typing this I just realized my entire body was tensed up like a spring.

As a further note, my adoptive parents, who I consider to be my parents, are not alcoholics and have no concept of it except they're pissed I used to drink so much.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and what you're seeing is that. It's not related to adoption.

Wombaticus

Just typing this I just realized my entire body was tensed up like a spring.[/QUOTE]
Thanks so much for sharing, especially as it's such a complex, emotional issue. 💛

Wombaticus

AP is not blaming it - its just been much, much worse since, along with withdrawal from friends, social occasions that don't involve alcohol, our children, cynicism, putting others down, minimising the achievements of others.
I totally agree it's not helping to be ttoo analytical. We need to keep our compassion but with very clear boundaries and expectations of behaviou.