Sasha1972

Today Kid had a visit with alcoholic dad/my ex. We're deep in the polar vortex, like record-breaking deep. I picked up Kid at school and drove her to hr father's because of the weather (she would normally take the bus). The arrangement is that he is responsible for getting her home at the end of the visit (taxi or Uber - he's not allowed to drive her, because of DUIs).

We get to ex's house. Kid rings doorbell. Nothing. It is really freaking cold, and Kid being a typical teenager is wearing the lightest jacket she can get away with. We wait a few minutes. Kid texts alcoholic dad - "we're here, where are you?". Nothing. We wait a few more minutes. Kid phones alcoholic dad. No answer, leave a message. More minutes.

I suggest to Kid that we wait in my car where it's warm until she hears from her dad. Kid gets indignant - "No! I'm not waiting in the car! You can just go if you want!". I say I'm not going to leave her in this weather until she's inside. Kid says "alright, FINE!". Texts dad again, lather rinse repeat. Kid is getting teary-eyed as well as cold.

After fifteen minutes ex finally comes to the door, ignores me, says jovially to Kid "oh ho, looks like you're freezing your buns off! Ha ha!". Notable is the absence of anything resembling an apology for leaving us out there. I leave, irate but keeping it all inside.

My first impulse when I get home is to text/call Kid and ex and say "I've changed my plans, I'm coming to pick her up after her visit because you are a jerk and I don't want you doing anything more than absolutely necessary with Kid". Then I stop and think. Ex has not failed or missed his pre-visit SoberLink tests. He is not drunk (at the moment). Kid has her phone. She knows she can call me if she needs to. He is unreliable and inconsiderate, which goes with being an addict. Kid will figure this out on her own. My role here is not to point out the obvious or to fix the situation, it is to be a secure and reliable place for her to come back to, or a home base. So I don't do anything.

I am gradually unlearning years of being the fixer of everything.

Clover71

Eauchiche

I have been a collector over the years, including broken people I thought I could fix.
Thanks to God, you folks and my recovery plan, I have found that orchids and antiques are a lot more enjoyable and less problematic.

FallenAngelina

There's a reason that the first 3 Steps are the first three steps: Most of us who love an alcoholic are very well trained in fixing other people and that training has landed us in the loony bins of our minds. We need a lot of counter-training in letting go while feeling at ease about it. "Let go and let God" is a simple, yet life saving mantra. I'm really happy to hear how you're seeing it at work in your life.

Maudcat

Yep. Addicts just keep lowering the bar until there is no bar.

hopeful4

Ugh. I am so very sorry.

Empower her to make the choice herself. It stinks, but it is what it is. I feel you.

Huge, huge hugs.

Stay warm friend!

FireSprite

I felt the same way when I started consciously dropping the habit!

Way to go Sasha, it's especially hard to not want to "fix" when our kids are involved or affected. You're so right that it's a process of "unlearning".