myhappyproject

I haven’t posted here in over 6 years. My first real attempt to get totally sober. I celebrated 60, 90 days and I had emergency gallbladder surgery and slowly started self medicaating again. The following years involved minor ups and MAJOR downs. Periods of sobriety, AA and self help rudely interrupted by longer and darker periods of complete darkness and loss. I’m now much more realistic about my humanity and my sobriety and celebrate over 6 months of sober living. This period hasn’t been 100% dry, I had a total of 3 slight lapses, not relapses but immediately regained sober living. The periods between have gotten longer and easier to the point were I don’t really even think about drinking anymore. I’ve been tested in social settings, parties and various environments and I’m priod to now announce that I no longer drink, by choice and for my health (I lost use of my legs for a while and still suffer neurophathy). I now think more about drinking in terms of forgiveness, when will I forgive myself for the horrible things I did to myself and others during these dark days? Can you truly ever reconcile who that person was/is inside you? I hate who I was, but it is still me. I don’t know the answer yet, but I’m looking forward to forgiving myself and seeing the foregiveness in my loved ones eyes.

I’m a person choosing to live a alcohol free life and to support anyone and everyone else who makes the same choice, but I’m realistic that there maybe times in the future that I slip, it’s the fall that kills you, if you get back up from the slip, you can still continue on your journey.

I’m also still trying to understand how I got there. I’m a highly fortunate person. Highly educated, had a great job, travelled the world. Long term marriage (26 yrs), houses, trips, the life I thought I dreamed. Slowly, I destroyed myself, my happiness and my success. I’m rebuilding, fortunately the marriage and my real friendships stand and I never got a DUI or hurt anyone physically. I’m grateful for that no small miracle. I still don’t understand it, but I’m working on it.

I decided to post because I believe in intention and putting it out in public my intention is to inspire, support and hold myself accountable. Not to be perfect, but perfectly human living my sober life.

I will look for opportunities to celebrate all of you. Here’s to us all living our happy projects.

least

How long have you been continuously sober?

myhappyproject

Many months, I honestly don’t obsessively count or track the days, I find that way to intimidating. I know I haven’t been drinking, each day is one more in the rest of my life. I don’t have the need to know exactly how many days, after all, we have no idea how many days we have left to live, so I’m just living each day and choosing not to drink.

MantaLady

It’s great that you have decided to follow the right path but please excuse me for my next question as I am a little confused. You mentioned that you have been sober for 6 months but have had 3 “slips”? 1 time could be classed as a slip but 3 times doesn’t really sound like being sober. I am genuinely not trying to pee on your bonfire here at all, it just doesn’t feel right that you are claiming to be sober considering what you wrote. Personally I only managed to stay sober once I stopped deceiving myself and justifying my “odd drink” here and there.

What are you going to do differently next time the urge hits to make sure slip number 4 doesn’t happen? Do you have a plan? xx

myhappyproject

You are certainly entitled to your opinion and to manage and track our recovery anyway you want. I didn’t post here to be judged, but to share my path which just like when I quit smoking 10+ years ago, I had a few small slips in the beggining and gained strength each time I recommitted to stop smoking. Part of the reason I hesitated to post is because of fear of judgement such as yours. Why do you need to judge my sobriety? I’m not in 12 streps or AA, I’ve been and studied both. I’ve studied 30 day sobriety which discusses sobriety differently. I highly recommend it if you haven’t used that resource. What ever works for you on your path is what you should do, that’s what I’m doing.

myhappyproject

Also, you have no idea how far I’ve come. You judge based on your own measuring stick. I went from being black out drunk 24/7 to having a small glass of wine at a party as test of myself. Was it smart, probably not, but part of what I know for sure is that I learned from it and make alternate choices because of it. I posted to let others know that a slip ims not the end of your effort but a pause and reset if you let it be. A lot of what people share here are the struggles and how to get back up. It’s not a forum to support only perfect journeys. If you don’t like it, don’t read my posts. It’s that simple.

Evoo

Hey MrHappyProject --

I actually think you misunderstand some of the replies here.

I used to feel the way you did. I came here under a different username years ago to talk through my plan for "moderation management." I didn't get a whole lot of support in that endeavor.

Why? Because they'd all been where I had.

I, like you, have made *HUGE* strides from my version of rock bottom. But I didn't make my decision to give up alcohol entirely until 7 days ago.

Be proud of the advances you've made to get to this point, but if you find you are an alcoholic -- you may be like me and find the moderation / relapse game just isn't worth it. Also I haven't done a 12-step program either, I did a harm reduction program up to this point.

Good luck and I hope you keep posting!

myhappyproject

What I know is I’m sober today, I’ve been sober enough days that I can’t even remember the last time I did have a slip. I was sober yesterday and I plan to be sober tomorrow. Beyond that, I can’t control. We celebrate each day here, especially loud cheers for day one folks, that’s why I resist the obsession to judge and measure people based on the number. Even in AA they explain how rude it is to ask someone’s number, if they volunteer it’s a different story.

biminiblue

Welcome back myhappyproject.

Lest we forget, we're all on the same side, here. Not drinking is a good thing, I hope you keep it going. We're not out to judge your days.

I'll add my voice to the ones who say moderation is a fool's errand for anyone who has to try to do it once they've crossed that line into excessive drinking or binge drinking.



Also, enough snow already (if you're still in Seattle, you'll know what I mean. )

MantaLady

I wasn’t judging you, it was a simple, honest and fair question to ask. I wasn’t rude, or nasty nor did I make any comments about where you have come from. My journey wasn’t perfect, I had to spend my life savings on rehab and it’s not been easy. I said what I said as I have been exactly where you are, I had periods of sobriety with multiple “slips”, they eventually all took me back down the same old well worn road of drinking to blackout. Maybe not straight away, sometimes it took months and months. The time it took to get back there varied, but the destination was always the same. xx

myhappyproject

It seems you are on a counting is the only path to success journey. I’m not. I’m also not on a moderation journey either. I’m on an honest journey where I’m not living to myself anymore that a success only journey is the only one that counts. I also stopped weighing myself obsessively when dieting for health and counting pounds. I’m sober today, (yesterday) and tomorrow. I’m not upset or offended by your comments, I expected such replies and skepticism. I’m more interested in the actual meat of my post which is how to rationalize the person I became in order to prevent it from happening again and how to forgive myself. Shocking it’s not that the replies focus solely on an accurate accounting of the sequential days I claim to be sober. I could have left that part out, claimed a certain number of days, but I’m not on this journey to lie to myself or anyone else. This journey is hard the reasons I destroyed my exemplary life need to be examined. That’s what I was looking for support from the forum for. Not to count or validate my days.

Dee74

Hi and welcome back myhappyproject

I don't think anyones judging you - I read the responses as merely trying to suggest that there may be a few inbuilt problems with the way you're going about things.

here's one
The problem is we don't know if a fall will kill us or not. I dunno about you but I have absolutely no control over what happens after I take that first drink.

I might make it back - but I might not.
I don't think thats too melodramatic given where I've been.

Its great you've made it back so far but I think it would be foolish to count on that as a given.

I think if you factor in relapse even as a possibility you're almost enshrining it as part of the recovery process - and with all due respect it's not.

Relapse is a manifestation of my active addiction, not my recovery,

Again, my intention is not to berate you or derail your continuing efforts - I just think you've got a few doors still ajar that your addiction might yet walk through.

I really recommend you shut those doors

D

Evoo

I can answer for myself re: guilt/forgiveness.

There’s a line from Jean-Luc Picard in one of my favorite episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation:
This has always moved me. The captain was given the opportunity by an omnipotant character to change the parts of the past he was most ashamed of — but who he was today spiraled out of control. He wasn’t better for this experiences because he had never had them.

I like who I am today. I’m proud of myself. I love my family, my friends, my passion for fitness, cooking and health. But it took a long time to build those things up and become a healthy person. Years. We are resilient beings. Without those dark experiences, I may not be as careful... I could even still be addicted to alcohol. That’s a scary thought.

All I could do on that darkest day was move forward, learn to make amends — forgive myself for the wasted time, and continue each day in health. Like you I had “slips ups.” But I’ve made a conscious decision now not to have any more. I believe I have that in my power.

Maybe that’s why I want to start counting now. I don’t ever want to go back.