JADIII

So a little background. I’ve posted here before and have cut back on my drinking but it’s still an issue and causing problems. I may go 4 or 5 days but ultimately give in and drink for no reason at all. I may be sitting watching TV or working and then a sudden urge comes over me to drink and it seems like NOTHING will get in my way of getting to the liquor store.
I’m a 50 year old with 2 little boys and a wife and have a lot to live for but I don’t treat myself that way. I look at my 2 boys and actually get sad as they have no cares in the world and are happy to be around Dad but I snap at them, yell at them and pretty much am miserable.
I also suffer from health anxiety and probably some form of depression. The health anxiety is really bad on Mondays (today) as I will drink for 2 or 3 days straight and then wonder what kind of damage I have done to myself so every little pain and bump is something new to worry about.
So about 2 years ago my wife got a 23 and me test for me which did the medical and ethnic makeup which I wish I NEVER got. If you’re thinking of doing it and have any kind of health anxiety, I would suggest not doing it. Long and short is I opened the report and (drinking at the time) gave it a quick once over and saw something about an increased chance of getting late onset Alzheimer’s which I really thought nothing about at the time. Well fast forward to a few weeks ago and I forgot something that I should have easily remembered and I flashed back to that 23 and me report thinking that it’s setting in. Of course I rushed to the internet and spent days researching it and convinced that I do have it. Did endless memory quizzes and the anxiety really popped up when I would forget who sings a song on the radio or someone’s wife’s name, etc. The day after I got a low grade headache that hasn’t gone away in 2 weeks and got me worrying about brain tumors, etc. so you can see where I am going with this.
So basically I would have a few drinks to “relax” but this was just a temporary fix as I’d wake up the next day feeling worse, regretful and a lot of guilt. I do know that I should just quit all together but those urges are very tough to overcome.
I guess what I’m looking for is something of a positive message. I read a lot on this and enjoy the lists of things that get better when you quit or how much better you will feel. I guess I’ve never quite quit for long enough to get that pink cloud. Quite honestly, I’d like to just make it a week at this point and let my head clear a little bit.
I guess I'm just tired of living in this perpetual wash, rinse, repeat and it's really starting to make things more and more unmanageable. I'll be checking in here often this week and moving forward.

Thanks for listening.

Evoo

Health anxiety can be paralyzing.

In a place where my alcoholism was at its worst, it was deeply intertwined with health anxiety both related to my drinking and (at the time) an undiagnosed crohns disease. I am now in remission.

Seeing a doctor and getting a full health workup / honest assessment of my state was a necessary precursor to me getting sober. Otherwise, for me, the anxiety around health was too great for me *not* to pick up a bottle and silence those voices.

Health anxiety is something that can also be worked through with a counselor, if you aren't doing these things already! And also, it can be greatly exacerbated by withdrawals and hangover.

I hope that is helpful. I sympathize with health anxiety, it can really put you inside your own head -- and once it gets wrapped up with your addiction voice that can push you to keep drinking and dig you in even further.

Are you taking any steps -- medical or counseling -- to address these issues yet?

Ladysadie

Jad, you certainly aren't doing yourself any favors by drinking as it relates to your cognitive functioning. But the two main reasons to stop drinking have to do with being present in your boys' lives. None of us is guaranteed a life without its challenges, so make the best of all the todays you get and be active in raising your children. This entails being supportive when they have homework, nurturing them through learning how to cope when they have challenges, and so on. Imagine if you will that they come home to a father who is blotto and <you are> their role model behavior to emulate when they have problems or need someone fully present? What you do and how you rise to the occasion of dealing with your own issues is modeling behavior for your young children. They will see you no matter how crafty you may think you are being by hiding the drink. We never "get away" with anything, children are smart and pick up on the little things (see-smell-hear).

On another note, I just watched a very good Netflix show called "Heal". You might give it a watch, some very good arguments for the power of positive thinking, of good nutrition, of eliminating stress and negative elements in our lives (like alcohol). It had an impact on me, hopefully it could benefit you? Also by quitting, I daresay the anxiety and guilt associated with the drinking will soon fade. It feels good and more natural to be sober.

Wishing you the strength to see this might be the perfect time to quit. You certainly have a lot to live for!

SoberCAH

I have never done a 23 and me test, but my biological father did.

It revealed that he is ~75% of lineage from Great Britain.

From looking into my mother's genealogy, I think she is as well.

I don't need a test to see that both alcoholism and late onset Alzheimer's run in my family genes.

I'm 61 (at least for a couple more months) and I expect to leave this world in a box.

I have a pretty good idea of where I hope to be when I have drawn my last (sober, I hope) breath.

I have had to seek treatment for my generalized anxiety disorder and depression.

I suggest that you seek the same.

My wife and I constantly try to help each other remember, but it is sometimes an abortive endeavor.

Getting depressed on Sunday evening and on Monday from a daunting week of work is pretty normal, I think.

To avoid it, I work almost every Sunday, which helps a good bit.

I would also put the plug in the jug, so to speak, because I can assure you that it isn't helping.

For me, I went through treatment (or rehab) and then matriculated into AA, where I have happily stayed for a pretty good while now.

Glad you're here with us.

Please keep us posted, brother.

entropy1964

Alcohol is a powerful neurotoxin so yep, it destroys your brain, and pretty much everything else.

Yep the answer is to quit. Get help with detox if you need it. Makes staying quit a lot easier.

Both of my folks have severe dementia...my Mom can barely speak anymore. Both are alcoholics.

Anna

I wouldn't do the 23 and me test because I know it would set my mind racing with all kinds of scenarios. I hope you can put it out of your mind and focus on what you can control in life, which is your drinking. I know it's hard

It is tough to overcome the urges, but the only way to make it easier is to get through an urge. Each time you do, the next time will be a bit easier.

Delilah1

I am another one who deals with anxiety, and it was definitely higher when I was drinking. Try not to let yourself spin thinking about what might happen in the future, focus on the here and now. Enjoy spending time with your boys, make lots of memories with them. Drinking will certainly not help with cognitive functioning.

There is lots of research on things you can do to help with memory, spend some time reading up in this. Focus on what you can control, not what you can't.

What have you tried to help you stay sober?

Canuck76

I thought about doing 23 and me test. However, I don't want to know what I may find out. My mother just died from undiagnosed cancer, an uncle died from cancer 2 years ago, and my other uncle barely survived cancer recently. A grandmother died of Alzheimer's too. Although, alcoholism is much more likely to kill me first

Dee74

I didn't know what a 23 and me test was, so I learned something.

I can obsess about my health too - irrationally. Every mole is suspect every cold is the flu, every absent minded moment is the onset of dementia.

Fortunately my wife is very grounded and stops me from spirally off into the worst case scenario.

I think I'll pass on the DNA test too

Here's something I know is true though.

If I stay sober (and eat sensibly, get some exercise, make time for rest and see my Dr a few times a year) I have a much better chance of a illness free future

JADIII

I took the advice of the site and watched Heal on Netflix last night. I recommend it highly as it gave me some insight into the body mind connection and just how important it is. I was treating my body like a bag of dirt, this documentary will make you think very differently.

Thanks

SoberCAH

I have been more concerned about finding malingerers, deserters, evaders, felons, pedophiles, etc. in my bloodlines.

I would hate to learn that my ancestors were from the dustbin of modern history.

I already know that one of my maternal grandfathers (whom I barely remember) was a lazy, shiftless lout and drunkard.

One of my paternal grandfathers shot and killed another relative (who was his caretaker) before turning the gun on himself.

My paternal step grandfather was a horrible alcoholic who never got sober.

I'm a little reluctant to probe beyond what I already know.

bexxed

I think I’m positive here and I hope you don’t take this wrong but you and I will both die. It’s very likely that we both have already lived the first half of our lives.

On my end, I’ve accepted (mostly) that up til now, I’ve learned a lot and done some good here. I’ve done some damage, too. Do you remember in the 90s how people talked about the global footprint? Back then mine was close to zero. Since then, I’ve flown on planes probably a thousand times for my work, which is something I consider doing good in the world, but, which has required some travel that involves participating in ecological destruction. The way I see it, that’s an apt metaphor for this topic. We do good, and we do bad. We do the best we can with what we’ve got.

Even when I was hopelessly drinking every night, I did the best I knew how to do at that time. I know that may sound weird but I say it because I’ve forgiven myself.

And I say it in relation to this topic because I think the root of health anxiety or fear of death is that we are afraid of leaving without having done the best we can, without living our best life.

If I went there (and I have) I’d lose my mind. I took years off my life drinking, smoking, not getting enough sleep, burning bridges, and making other bad choices. To this day I’m still human and I mess up. All I can do is try to make amends and move on.

You might get dementia or cancer or you might get hit by a bus tomorrow. I read the other day about a family that died in their house because a small plane broke up midair and landed on their house. Can you imagine? All I could think was wow, they were in their house, watching tv, sitting on the toilet, sleeping, making dinner, whatever someone is doing on a weekend afternoon and suddenly a plane engine landed on their house and killed them all.

I got sober for me, because I want to live, while accepting that I will die someday. I think cancer is in the cards but it might be something else. When I do die, whether it’s in fifty years or tomorrow, I will go out having done the best I knew how to do with the inner and outer resources that I had, and since I’m not so sure about how the god thing works, I will go out having forgiven myself.

You didn’t ask but I think you should consider quitting the booze, going to a doctor, and talking about how you want to love on those kids of yours, and discussing ways to create joy in your life. I don’t know you but I do know that you deserve it.

xo-b