Why do I still care?
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Why do I still care?
Ran into my XAB at the store and have been a sobbing mess ever since. Quick recap - we had been in a cycle of breaking up/getting back together for months before he decided to leave and replace me with another woman in a week. Near the end of our relationship he got his 2nd DUI - driving around at a .30, peed his pants, nearly hit someone. Prior had been on a drinking rampage for months - always texting me mean horrible things when drunk. Showing up at my home drunk. Living irresponsibly - not paying bills, getting evicted twice in 6 months, living like a pig. Why did I stay? I love him and continued to hold out hope. I guess I still am holding that same hope. It has been over 2 months and I still miss him terribly. I thought I was okay, but seeing him today reopened all the wounds. Other than looking a little scruffy, his life seems good for him and he looked very happy and content. He told our mutual friend that he is not drinking. So after a year of me begging for him to stop he finally does, but now is with someone else. Granted he has a jail sentence or house arrest ahead of him and will lose his license for over a year. Even so - why am I so sad? Why do I miss him so badly? I have two great kids, a highly successful and rewarding job, wonderful friends and family. I still can’t understand why he doesn’t want to be with me? I am pretty, put together, lots of money. I really thought he loved me. Do alcoholics even love? Can they just shut off their feelings and walk away? He’s not drowning himself in alcohol so how can he just leave me without a thought and go on to lead a la-dee-da happy life?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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He told your mutual friend that he's not drinking. What else would he say? But let's say that's the truth. Why do you believe that his life is suddenly all wonderful and happy because he is not drinking?
You mentioned he either has jail time coming up or house arrest. He would not be the first addict that cleaned up his act before appearing in court.
Now I don't know the guy, but you mentioned before he had money from his divorce settlement that he burned through, no job, sponging off you, lived in a pig sty and neglected his child. Has any of that changed, does he have a job? Clean apartment, is he caring for his Son? What is it you see in him?
Is that the guy you are missing?
Could it be his potential? Do you really know what that is? You have only ever known him in his active addiction, you don't really know him sober (and sober is not necessarily in recovery).
Anyway, you asked him to leave - and he did. I can understand that you might have a few moments of regret but it seems to me you are glorifying a situation that was pretty horrendous for you?
If all that is wrong, please correct me, because I can't see the benefit to you if he did come back.
You mentioned he either has jail time coming up or house arrest. He would not be the first addict that cleaned up his act before appearing in court.
Now I don't know the guy, but you mentioned before he had money from his divorce settlement that he burned through, no job, sponging off you, lived in a pig sty and neglected his child. Has any of that changed, does he have a job? Clean apartment, is he caring for his Son? What is it you see in him?
Is that the guy you are missing?
Could it be his potential? Do you really know what that is? You have only ever known him in his active addiction, you don't really know him sober (and sober is not necessarily in recovery).
Anyway, you asked him to leave - and he did. I can understand that you might have a few moments of regret but it seems to me you are glorifying a situation that was pretty horrendous for you?
If all that is wrong, please correct me, because I can't see the benefit to you if he did come back.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Everything you say is spot on. I am pretty sure he’s still a mess. I also know that his son got drunk and high very recently and they got into a physical fight. So ugly and awful. The poor kid is only 16 - his mom is a drunk/drug addict so he can’t go back to her because she is worse. He hates his dad for all the lies and broken promises. The son used to call or text me and promise that his dad is done drinking. He even poured his wine down the sink one day. He was just devastated after his dad got arrested.
i get that this whole situation is horrible, but I can’t help what I feel, which is sad. And like I said before - he replaced me in a week and that still hurts really bad because even though things got bad, we did have a great deal of love for each other. Or so I thought. Did he ever love me? I don’t even know anymore. I haven’t dated since we broke up in November because I am trying to work on myself and figure out why I let myself get into and then stay this situation. Been going to counseling and Alanon. Seeing him today just reopened the wound.
The comments I get the n this site have helped me more than anything. You all get what I am feeling and have the wisdom I need to hear. Please keep the comments going for all those reaching out. You have all been a God send.
i get that this whole situation is horrible, but I can’t help what I feel, which is sad. And like I said before - he replaced me in a week and that still hurts really bad because even though things got bad, we did have a great deal of love for each other. Or so I thought. Did he ever love me? I don’t even know anymore. I haven’t dated since we broke up in November because I am trying to work on myself and figure out why I let myself get into and then stay this situation. Been going to counseling and Alanon. Seeing him today just reopened the wound.
The comments I get the n this site have helped me more than anything. You all get what I am feeling and have the wisdom I need to hear. Please keep the comments going for all those reaching out. You have all been a God send.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
I think a lot of it is perspective. He didn't "replace" you, he found someone who would accept him as he is, at least for now (physically fighting with his son and if not drunk probably a pretty grouchy guy who isn't drinking right now). You put up with him for a long time, she might or she might not, but what they do is really not important.
Is he employed yet or is she supporting him financially?
The focus should really be on you and what you want. You have been focusing on him and his woes and problems for a long time, that's a habit to break.
Actions, not words. Not what he said or intended to do, what did he actually do. Why did you break up so many times? Did he love you? Probably as much as he is capable of.
Have you written a list of all the reasons why you asked him to leave? If not I really hope you do and keep that list with you. I mean really sit and think about all the reasons, if the list is 50 items long, so be it. Refer to it as often as you need to.
Keeping busy, doing something with your time and your life and having structure might really be helpful as well. If not work then something else perhaps, courses you want to take, exercise (even just going for walks), Spending as much time as you can with nice people! Family, friends, acquaintances.
What do you do for yourself every day?
Is he employed yet or is she supporting him financially?
The focus should really be on you and what you want. You have been focusing on him and his woes and problems for a long time, that's a habit to break.
Actions, not words. Not what he said or intended to do, what did he actually do. Why did you break up so many times? Did he love you? Probably as much as he is capable of.
Have you written a list of all the reasons why you asked him to leave? If not I really hope you do and keep that list with you. I mean really sit and think about all the reasons, if the list is 50 items long, so be it. Refer to it as often as you need to.
Keeping busy, doing something with your time and your life and having structure might really be helpful as well. If not work then something else perhaps, courses you want to take, exercise (even just going for walks), Spending as much time as you can with nice people! Family, friends, acquaintances.
What do you do for yourself every day?
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
Because you love him. Unfortunately we can't turn love off. You will work through this in your own time, but it will take as long as it takes. Until then be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up. And just because he says he's not drinking anymore doesn't make it true. You've seen how manipulative alcoholics can be, how they lie to protect their drinking. I wouldn't put much stock in him being sober right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Toleta, you might find some insight in this 2-part article. It really resonated w/me when I was in the place you are in now.
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
Originally Posted by Toleta 
Why do I miss him so badly?
He found a patsy - uh, woman - who would accept him the way he is, perhaps seeing all that potential he has. (sigh)
I care about people that I couldn't or wouldn't live with.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by Toleta
I haven’t dated since we broke up in November because I am trying to work on myself and figure out why I let myself get into and then stay this situation
Sometimes, unless we are really open to that help, it might not get us very far. It takes a shift in perspective. We need to actually stand back a bit and go ok, what are they talking about and is that true?
When you are in the fog and when your thoughts go in circles, it can be hard to see that help - helping and sometimes when we are hurt we can get stuck in that place for a while.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
[I] He told our mutual friend that he is not drinking[/I]
I wouldn't buy that line one bit. I'm willing to bet dollars to doughnuts he's still drinking. Just sit back and watch it play out. The truth will come to light. And when it does, you'll be glad you made the decision you did.
I wouldn't buy that line one bit. I'm willing to bet dollars to doughnuts he's still drinking. Just sit back and watch it play out. The truth will come to light. And when it does, you'll be glad you made the decision you did.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
"Near the end of our relationship he got his 2nd DUI - driving around at a .30, peed his pants, nearly hit someone. Prior had been on a drinking rampage for months - always texting me mean horrible things when drunk. Showing up at my home drunk. Living irresponsibly - not paying bills, getting evicted twice in 6 months, living like a pig."
I hope you gather up all the support you need right now and keep moving
forward to a healthier life so that the day comes, sooner rather than later,
when you can have gratitude for him leaving. This has allowed you to
get out of the destruction of alcoholism - and for your children, who
depend on you to model healthy, loving relationships.
" Why do I miss him so badly? I have two great kids, a highly successful and rewarding job, wonderful friends and family. I still can’t understand why he doesn’t want to be with me? "
A question you may want to consider instead is why, with all these
positives in your life, do you not choose a healthy mate, who can
be present in the relationship?
I hope you gather up all the support you need right now and keep moving
forward to a healthier life so that the day comes, sooner rather than later,
when you can have gratitude for him leaving. This has allowed you to
get out of the destruction of alcoholism - and for your children, who
depend on you to model healthy, loving relationships.
" Why do I miss him so badly? I have two great kids, a highly successful and rewarding job, wonderful friends and family. I still can’t understand why he doesn’t want to be with me? "
A question you may want to consider instead is why, with all these
positives in your life, do you not choose a healthy mate, who can
be present in the relationship?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by velma929
You miss him because most normal humans don't turn emotions on and off like a kitchen faucet. That would be scary. Relationships wouldn't last past the first argument if we were wired that way.
He found a patsy - uh, woman - who would accept him the way he is, perhaps seeing all that potential he has. (sigh)
I care about people that I couldn't or wouldn't live with.
He found a patsy - uh, woman - who would accept him the way he is, perhaps seeing all that potential he has. (sigh)
I care about people that I couldn't or wouldn't live with.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 10
I clearly still don’t understand how alcoholics think. I keep expecting him to come to his senses and get his life together so we can be together. He’s 57 so I know that is probably not going to happen. When I saw him at the store, he painted a rosy picture that his job is secure (I know it is not) and that his son is great (also know this is not true.) My brain gets it, but my heart is still not catching up. Will it ever? He is a mess and always will be, but that doesn’t change my feelings for him. I don’t want him anywhere near my children yet I miss him terribly. Unlike my divorce where I didn’t love my husband anymore, this is really painful and seemingly without end.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
I think it's the rejection. He wouldn't get it together for you. It's not about you. Rejection makes "us" sometimes want to hold on even tighter even when we see all of the negatives.
And I agree with, I think trail mix mentioned it, those rosy glasses of seeing potential.
Im glad to see (not happy of course) that his life is still a mess. Alcoholics don't think like we do.
And I agree with, I think trail mix mentioned it, those rosy glasses of seeing potential.
Im glad to see (not happy of course) that his life is still a mess. Alcoholics don't think like we do.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Another point - you mentioned be seemed content, and in your last post you said his life is a mess. Obviously he is content with his life being a mess. Are you content with being in that mess? Is that where you want your seemingly successful life to be (or your kids)
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
"I keep expecting him to come to his senses and get his life together so we can be together."
Yes I still go here sometimes. It's been over a year since I moved out of our house. I really believed he would come to his senses for the first few months. When he started sleeping with another woman I really hoped he would come to his senses. When I ended up ill in hospital I prayed he would come to his senses.
I expect now that he won't come to his senses. If he got his act together now, I would be happy for him but it's too late for us.
I still, now and then, fantasise that he will come to his senses and we will be together again. But these moments are fewer and further between. As you future starts to become clearer, it will get easier.
Your heart will catch up, give it a little more time
big hugs to you
Yes I still go here sometimes. It's been over a year since I moved out of our house. I really believed he would come to his senses for the first few months. When he started sleeping with another woman I really hoped he would come to his senses. When I ended up ill in hospital I prayed he would come to his senses.
I expect now that he won't come to his senses. If he got his act together now, I would be happy for him but it's too late for us.
I still, now and then, fantasise that he will come to his senses and we will be together again. But these moments are fewer and further between. As you future starts to become clearer, it will get easier.
Your heart will catch up, give it a little more time
big hugs to you
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by Toleta
[left]I clearly still don’t understand how alcoholics think.
I hope you will take some time to read the stickies at the top of the forum, it might help you to see the patterns.
Alcoholics need alcohol, they want it, they want it in many cases more than their families, their children, their unborn babies. Yes, they leave their wives, their jobs their little kids, I'm sure you have heard these stories.
They don't leave them (generally) because they are drunk and aren't thinking straight right now because they are drunk (although that adds to it I'm sure), they don't drink because they like the taste of alcohol - alcoholism is a mental illness, it changes the brain, the way the brain actually functions. Addiction is a craving for a substance that needs to be fed, if you have never been addicted to anything you might have a hard time wrapping your head around it, but reading up on it will help that.
You asked him to leave hoping he would quit drinking but he has or had exactly zero intention of doing that.
He would probably still be around if you hadn't set that boundary. Peeing the bed, being abusive, getting OWIs, going on benders, having you supporting him financially and living in a pigsty.
I think it would be a great idea for you to join a group like Al-Anon if you can. Support and understanding is there as well and might help you to see this more clearly - not why he drinks but why you would want any part of his hugely dysfunctional lifestyle.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,031
I'm sorry you're feeling so sad, we can't control love and emotions, just the choices we make around them.
Sounds like you have a lot of things to be grateful for, I have found that focusing on gratitude and what I can control has been a wonderful tool when I am struggling with emotions.
Have you ever posted on the gratuitude thread on SR? It might be a good one to check out.
Sounds like you have a lot of things to be grateful for, I have found that focusing on gratitude and what I can control has been a wonderful tool when I am struggling with emotions.
Have you ever posted on the gratuitude thread on SR? It might be a good one to check out.
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Toleta…...I used to try to answer you type of question---"Why do I still care?". If you look at my name...to the left...you will see that I have ppsted many thousands of times....lol.....
I discovered that, most of the time, this question is, really, just a rhetorical one. When I gave long explanations of why "w still care"....it did not bring any relief to the one in pain. What they REALLY wanted was for the pain to be gone. Like, yesterday. They said back to me...."Thanks for the explanation--but, I still hurt!!".....The question is really a statement. The statement is: "I am hurting, and I need validation and compassion".
Lol....so, I no longer give the long explanations....because it wears my typing fingers down and gives no relief to the suffering. Sigh.
I can say this from my own experience and observations of others.....There will be an end to the pain...when you have completed the grieving process and allow new experiences into your life...…
I can make some recommendations, if you would like....
I discovered that, most of the time, this question is, really, just a rhetorical one. When I gave long explanations of why "w still care"....it did not bring any relief to the one in pain. What they REALLY wanted was for the pain to be gone. Like, yesterday. They said back to me...."Thanks for the explanation--but, I still hurt!!".....The question is really a statement. The statement is: "I am hurting, and I need validation and compassion".
Lol....so, I no longer give the long explanations....because it wears my typing fingers down and gives no relief to the suffering. Sigh.
I can say this from my own experience and observations of others.....There will be an end to the pain...when you have completed the grieving process and allow new experiences into your life...…
I can make some recommendations, if you would like....
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