Jules714

So I have a little over a year and half sober. Some of you may know I lost custody of my child due to my alcoholism. My ex is in recovery too, I think. He should be, he was, but I have no idea. He up and moved with my child to a different time time about the time I got sober. I thot by not informing the court I was letting him bury myself. Nope. Took about $5K for my attorney to tell me the burden was on me also to notify the court. Anyway. I just basically won everything I was asking for in court. Yay...more visitation...But my child and I go months with out seeing eachother. Excruciating at times...I am in so much pain missing my daughter .

I'm not thinking about drinking. I have no delusion about the first drink. But I am frustrated and in severe emotional pain. I have been doing the right thing and the situation is evolving...positively. I just miss my kid. I would give anything to be hanging out with her right now (altho she is 15, so chances would be slim, lol) A girl can dream! Lol.
I was very fortunate to stay at home to raise her for 12 years. I was only drinking the last two, but those years were damaging. We get along very well, we are close and we talk about all of this, in depth. How hard it is, but we're doing it. We are very strong. I just want to tuck her in and make her breakfast and tell her to brush her teeth. Brush her hair. Laugh and dance like we do. In other words, right about now I want to throw a temper tantrum about how its not fair. I know. The things I work on continuously. I hope I'm getting somewhere.
I am trying to resolve my resentment toward her father. I really still, 6 years post divorce, am trying to rectify in my mind that this man, whom I was married to for a dozen years, is *this ugly of a human being. He doesn't even care that by punishing me he is hurting our daughter. Blows my mind I thought he was a great, albeit drunk/drugging, man. He left me, btw, straight out of his rehab. I dealt with his crap the whole time.
By drinking like I did when he left I just prolonged getting over him. That was a terrible idea but here I am.

I am also profoundly lonely. I have no problem getting a date. I've gone on tons in the last year. I just cannot find one I like who wants to be involved seriously lately. I'm basically bargaining with my God...like if I cant have my child why cant I have my person?
When I'm at work 50 to 60 hrs a week I am so good. I'm not in my head about anything really. I just come home, have a turkey sandwich and collapse. I hit about 5 AA meetings a week and I socialize with my people after frequently. Its these Saturday nights when I refuse the BS that is online dating (oh.my.word. pfffttt) and I am alone, uncomfortable, emotional and lonely and it's terrible. I want to do stuff! With my man. Where the hell is he? I am just feeling really low. I wouldn't say defeated but the wind is not in my sails right now at all and I needed a vent. This was the alternative to eating my feelings. Which, let's be honest, I'm gonna do that next. Lol
This probably isn't the right place for this, I don't know. I get nervous when I hear people say relapse starts before the actual drink. I don't ever want to be working on a relapse soo I'm talking about it.
I'd really love to hear if anyone could relate.
Thank you so much for listening.
Jules
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yinzer

Sorry, Jules. Funny how the right one comes along when you stop looking!

Are there meetup groups where you are to get out and do activities on Saturdays?

As to the daughter, being sober and working your way back into her life are all the right steps.

Dee74

I'm sorry for that Jules- I can only imagine it must be tough - I hope 2019 will bring you at least some of the things you're looking for, and a sense of peace on the rest

The good thing is, you have many friends here


D