Visions and over enthusiasm for the future

Old 02-08-2019, 05:13 PM
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Visions and over enthusiasm for the future

I used to love this about my AH. We’d chat and get deep into ideas about things we could do to improve business or bounce ideas about making money together. Always over a drink of course. Me one or two glasses - him one or two bottles.

It was the birth of several ideas over the years that subsequent fell flat. Usually ...actually no, always, I’d have the idea. Then he would get so enthusiastic and start to really create the vision. I’d put the idea to work and I’ve built three businesses from it with him. I’ve also written a book and a blog and can see now, my best ideas are the ones he hasn’t become involved with.

Those have failed because I did it for him to stop him having to find work, done all the ground work and research then set him up. He’s failed each time and although two are still in existence they are basically just all store front and no stock. He looks like a business owner to outsiders but he wings it. We earn nothing. Well, what little we do earn he spends on booze. It could still be potentially very good but - He is owed money left right and centre and forgets to chase up invoices. He misses appointments, looses vital details and forgets important information. I started to help again as we’ve become short staffed and partly because my own mother put pressure on me to “help him out because it’s important that my family have an income and I haven’t given him a chance - he can’t manage it on his own he needs me” (as opposed to my blogging which was unpaid, so in her opinion pointless)

Today I was humiliated as I went to cover a job for a client, after he told me she was in India - he gave me the key to her property and I went in and completed the tasks she had actually intended us to do for next week not today. She got home and rang him furious and I heard her ranting at him. As soon as she hung up I got angry with him, at how he could have gotten it so wrong, he only saw the woman in Tuesday!!! and he just hushed me told me to drop it - wanted me to stop “going on - over reacting”. I spent the next few hours in a silent rage, honestly I thought I’d cry - wandering round in a daze in the supermarket my heart was racing.

I calmed down I always do. Tonight i got another “idea” about something totally separate I’ve been working on for myself lately.

I told him about it and he got super excited - anyone would think I’m the next Alan Sugar. It’s a good idea but his over egged excitement has actually put a dampener on it for me. I’m quite shocked normally I’d be buzzing too. Finally I’m seeing through his eagerness for me to be a success - I think he just wants me to be something so he can live comfortably and not work again. Drink himself into oblivion on a yaught in the Bahamas instead of the couch. It’s left me with an empty cold feeling tonight and usually I’m buzzing with enthusiasm after one of these “chats”. It’s a really great idea don’t get me wrong but this time - I wish I hadn’t told him. I don’t want him to make it about “us” it’s something I’ll do and if it’s successful I will be gone. It could even be my key to a new life. Im feeling low today - just so low. He got so “excited” about this idea he talked and talked about it - Googled a few things and drank so much he has passed out on the sofa after a load of gin and red wine - he’s been unconscious with the glass in his hand for hours.

Sickens me and I feel bad for telling him my idea. Like I get his hopes up for an amazing future that he can’t sustain. Angry because he expects me to create the vision and he wants to live off the back of it. Upset because I do actually want to share my dreams with someone but I just feel empty. I’m spent.

Not sure i made any sense. I’m just venting and grateful that I can do that here and not be alone.
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Old 02-08-2019, 07:00 PM
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You make a lot of sense.
It sounds, to me, like you want a working partner to help make your ideas a successful reality, and he wants someone to provide him with a respectable title and drinking money.
And it also sounds like you are experiencing an enlightenment about this.
Enlightenments aren't always easy.
In my experience, until they are so sloppy with so much drink that they really don't give a rat's a**anymore, alcohol addicts are very invested in the picture of themselves they present to the world, though it is usually a facade.
Because, really, drinking is their job. And that ain't a pretty reality.
What do you do?
Decide, I guess, if staying is worth it.
Or if you have, to financial reasons.
I can tell you, though, that, unless your man decides to stop drinking and accepts recovery, this is how it is going to be, but worse as time goes on.
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Old 02-10-2019, 02:32 PM
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Originally Posted by RainingButtons View Post

Sickens me and I feel bad for telling him my idea. Like I get his hopes up for an amazing future that he can’t sustain. Angry because he expects me to create the vision and he wants to live off the back of it. Upset because I do actually want to share my dreams with someone but I just feel empty. I’m spent.
Hey RB, I just wanted to say that the fact that you take your ideas and move them forward in to being is a really great talent. It's probably the norm for you, but that takes some real commitment and resolve, so kudos to your for doing that.

I hope, perhaps with your latest idea, you can take it on as your own completely and really see where it can go.

It's tough because you want to share with him but you know, realistically that he can't carry through on it (he probably hasn't actually acknowledged that yet, based on what you have said). That's sad! No doubt about it, so totally normal to be sad about it. How do you step away from not having that close a relationship.

It's not easy and it takes however much time it takes.

I like the way Maudcat put it about "enlightenments".
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Old 02-10-2019, 02:57 PM
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Thankyou - yes enlightenment is the perfect analogy of this I think.

His quacking this weekend has been unbelievably loud. It’s the six nations rugby. So he’s been drinking beer. And gin. And wine. Oh and rum. He took our son to Wetherspoons for breakfast yesterday at 10.30am and bought coffee, came home at 12, opened a beer and commented several times how dreadful it was that he had observed people were drinking at 10.30 in the morning. Jeeeez what? Then he proceeded to say he was “craving veg lately” super healthy guy he had broccoli with his dinner.

He let rip a barrage of horrible abuse about a contestant on dancing on ice - awful derogatory comments about her weight. Disgusting way to speak about any woman and it’s painful to hear because my daughter struggles with weight issues. She has an under active thyroid and intercranial hypertension plus epilepsy and he is always going on about her eating too much and critisising her for it, (not to her face, he makes digs at her yes but moans about her eating to me and makes out he is concerned for her health) yet he is 17 stone and looks 8 months pregnant, about to give birth to a barrel of beer. He is inactive and does nothing to keep fit so to sit there spitting venom at a woman on tv doing more than he could in his entire life makes me sick.

My enlightenment is painful because I see right through his ********. Now when he starts vocally dreaming big about the business he “runs” doing so well in the future, I can see it for what it is. He’s gift wrapping a turd and expecting me to be excited.

My idea is going to take shape without him yes! It’s just sad I can’t share my enthusiasm with him.

Last edited by RainingButtons; 02-10-2019 at 03:05 PM. Reason: Adding more
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Old 02-10-2019, 03:00 PM
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classic example of going to the hardware store for bread. you still hold some expectation that he will suddenly (magically?) transform into someone he is not and has not been.

sit around a bar long enough and you will hear all kinds of talk about things they are gonna do. tomorrow, next week, when......pipe dreams one and all. they have zero INTENT....
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Old 02-10-2019, 03:49 PM
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Oh the rant about the dancing on ice woman and your poor daughter had me sitting here with my hand to my face RD! That's horrible! Criticizing your Daughter must just be totally demoralizing for her. Parents should be helping to build self-esteem. When a Dad does that it will make a girl, in many cases, run in to the arms of the first guy that shows any interest. I think I would tell him to shut up - honestly.

I just went back and read the first thread you posted here. How he is ok, 80% of the time, how he had quit drinking (obviously not) but that you are more like room-mates than Husband and Wife.

The bottom line. He treats you badly, he treats the children badly. They may well love him too and a lot, but children can love abusers. Children depend on the adult, when they are older, yeah, they aren't going to love him so much.
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