No more "moderation management" -- I'm going sober.
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No more "moderation management" -- I'm going sober.
The first time I posted on SoberRecovery was 10 years ago. I was 26, I was physically and emotionally addicted to alcohol. Recoveries often involved long, difficult withdrawals.
But it's really taken me until now to admit to myself that I am an alcoholic, and that to truly take power over my life -- I need to just abstain, and be all in on that decision, for myself, for my family.
The last four years have been a great deal better, I will say. I've found myself able to go months moderating, a glass of wine here, a beer there, followed by weeks or even months of sobriety (usually as part of some fad diet or intensive exercise program).
But what I've never admitted is that moderation is a facade. Even when I do it "successfully." I always want another glass, and social situations with drinking require a great deal of willpower, anxiety, fear -- fear that I'll "slip up" and wind up in a cycle of withdrawal and repeat.
Why?
Because I've been terrified of admitting I am just a person who should never drink.
And when I do, a glass of wine over weeks and months eventually becomes being comfortable with 2, being comfortable with 3 -- becomes a hangover, which competes with my natural energy, my ambition. No, it's not the blackout drinking of my 20s, but it so easily *could be.*
It's not worth it. Today is the first day -- and instead of fearing stigma, hoping and trying to convince myself I can be "normal" and drink socially, avoiding true recovery... I'm taking full control of my life.
I'm going to be sober, and I'm going to be damn proud of it.
But it's really taken me until now to admit to myself that I am an alcoholic, and that to truly take power over my life -- I need to just abstain, and be all in on that decision, for myself, for my family.
The last four years have been a great deal better, I will say. I've found myself able to go months moderating, a glass of wine here, a beer there, followed by weeks or even months of sobriety (usually as part of some fad diet or intensive exercise program).
But what I've never admitted is that moderation is a facade. Even when I do it "successfully." I always want another glass, and social situations with drinking require a great deal of willpower, anxiety, fear -- fear that I'll "slip up" and wind up in a cycle of withdrawal and repeat.
Why?
Because I've been terrified of admitting I am just a person who should never drink.
And when I do, a glass of wine over weeks and months eventually becomes being comfortable with 2, being comfortable with 3 -- becomes a hangover, which competes with my natural energy, my ambition. No, it's not the blackout drinking of my 20s, but it so easily *could be.*
It's not worth it. Today is the first day -- and instead of fearing stigma, hoping and trying to convince myself I can be "normal" and drink socially, avoiding true recovery... I'm taking full control of my life.
I'm going to be sober, and I'm going to be damn proud of it.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
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One of the hardest things I had to do in my life was admit to myself that I had a drinking problem and that I was an alcoholic. I fought it tooth and nail. When I finally surrendered, it became much easier. No more fighting with myself. Congrats on your decision.
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Originally Posted by thomas11 
One of the hardest things I had to do in my life was admit to myself that I had a drinking problem and that I was an alcoholic. I fought it tooth and nail. When I finally surrendered, it became much easier. No more fighting with myself. Congrats on your decision.
Honestly I think I finally have the tools to do it. I've been holding onto these ideas that making the decision to never drink would be somehow weak. I was defiant about it.
But there's nothing fun about moderation management when you're an alcoholic. You're always playing with fire, and I think I've realized I will *never* scratch that itch or find a balance. It will never be fun, it will never be "normal."
In fact, maybe a lot of "normal" drinking isn't healthy, either. We're talking about an addictive poison.
I know the first big wedding or family function will be hard, but I'm not shying away from it anymore. I'm moving onward.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
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Originally Posted by OllieOliver
Thanks, thomas11.
Honestly I think I finally have the tools to do it. I've been holding onto these ideas that making the decision to never drink would be somehow weak. I was defiant about it.
But there's nothing fun about moderation management when you're an alcoholic. You're always playing with fire, and I think I've realized I will *never* scratch that itch or find a balance. It will never be fun, it will never be "normal."
In fact, maybe a lot of "normal" drinking isn't healthy, either. We're talking about an addictive poison.
I know the first big wedding or family function will be hard, but I'm not shying away from it anymore. I'm moving onward.
Honestly I think I finally have the tools to do it. I've been holding onto these ideas that making the decision to never drink would be somehow weak. I was defiant about it.
But there's nothing fun about moderation management when you're an alcoholic. You're always playing with fire, and I think I've realized I will *never* scratch that itch or find a balance. It will never be fun, it will never be "normal."
In fact, maybe a lot of "normal" drinking isn't healthy, either. We're talking about an addictive poison.
I know the first big wedding or family function will be hard, but I'm not shying away from it anymore. I'm moving onward.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 964
Ollie: You are being rigorously honest with yourself. I have an internal dialogue everyday with my AV who is telling me that I can moderate. I have never been able to moderate from the first time that I had as a teenager. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes just accepting that we can't drink is easier than trying to "manage." As one addiction therapist asked me once, "Are you ever happy just having one?" The answer is always no. If I have one, then I want to drink the whole bottle. If I drink a bottle, then I want another glass and then another. Once alcohol enters my bloodstream, then I relinquish caring about the consequences of drinking: DUIs, wasted money, weight gain, bloating, and the terrible next day. It's true what Anne says, it's just better not to pick up at all.
Glad to read your insightful post. Welcome back!
Glad to read your insightful post. Welcome back!
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Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Welcome back Ollie! I'm new here again too today, having gotten and stayed sober for years at a time. Then, some weird thought allows me to be irrational and think I can moderate. I've been "moderating" for a few years now (ha! Ha!), but ultimately I have only been lying to myself. The consequences are catching up with me....I wanna have a better life....a better me! Congrats on the decision....
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Wonderful post, Ollie - I'm so glad you've made this life changing decision.
I knew decades ago that I could never trust willpower to save me. I also knew that drinking could never be the carefree fun I craved - not for me. I wish I'd taken action then - my life would have turned out so differently. You'll never have the regrets many of us have. Congratulations!
I knew decades ago that I could never trust willpower to save me. I also knew that drinking could never be the carefree fun I craved - not for me. I wish I'd taken action then - my life would have turned out so differently. You'll never have the regrets many of us have. Congratulations!
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Location: Pacific Northwest
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I was tired of the same vicious cycle too. When I controlled my drinking, I didn't enjoy it. When I "enjoyed" my drinking, I didn't control it. It was so much easier to just stop drinking completely. By fully abstaining, my addictive voice went silent. The argument going on in my head ceased to exist. Congrats on making a smart decision. You won't regret it. Waking up feeling good never gets old.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
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Originally Posted by Midwest1981
"I would rather go through life sober, believing I'm an alcoholic, than go through life drunk, trying to convince myself that I'm not."
Good decision.
Good decision.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: US
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Thanks Ollie for your post 
"Because I've been terrified of admitting I am just a person who should never drink."
^^^Me too!!! ^^^
I also like this one from Soberween: "When I controlled my drinking, I didn't enjoy it. When I 'enjoyed' my drinking, I didn't control it."
I've also had to accept the fact that I cannot moderate. Still early in the game, but glad to be here. And glad you're here with us!
(My friends have a cat named Oliver so we call him Ollie....He is too cool!
)
"Because I've been terrified of admitting I am just a person who should never drink."
^^^Me too!!! ^^^
I also like this one from Soberween: "When I controlled my drinking, I didn't enjoy it. When I 'enjoyed' my drinking, I didn't control it."
I've also had to accept the fact that I cannot moderate. Still early in the game, but glad to be here. And glad you're here with us!
(My friends have a cat named Oliver so we call him Ollie....He is too cool!
)
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,163
When an person realizes he's probably overdoing the drinking thing, the first reaction is to moderate. Some do. Alcoholics try to do it.
It's sounds like you have that step out of the way, and while there is no official Moderation step, I'll bet that everyone here has gone through it. Bill Wilson didn't forget to add that to the 12 steps. I'm guessing he left it out because it has nothing to do with actual recovery.
It's sounds like you have that step out of the way, and while there is no official Moderation step, I'll bet that everyone here has gone through it. Bill Wilson didn't forget to add that to the 12 steps. I'm guessing he left it out because it has nothing to do with actual recovery.
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A lot of really powerful quotes and thoughts in this thread, I really appreciate them.
Thank you all!
I think also the fact that last year from January to late August, I didn’t have a drop of alcohol. But I was doing it by telling myself I needed to focus on job and fitness, and that at the end of 6 months I could have alcohol again in moderation as a “reward.”
It’s not a reward. I’ve missed those six months! Not wrestling with alcohol — the inner monologue going something like this when I started drinking in “moderation” again. And on a bad night:
And the cycle continues. No thank you. Never again.
Thank you all!
I think also the fact that last year from January to late August, I didn’t have a drop of alcohol. But I was doing it by telling myself I needed to focus on job and fitness, and that at the end of 6 months I could have alcohol again in moderation as a “reward.”
It’s not a reward. I’ve missed those six months! Not wrestling with alcohol — the inner monologue going something like this when I started drinking in “moderation” again. And on a bad night:
did I have too much? Too little? Was it social? Is my wife worried about what I’ve had? Am I worried? Why didn’t that last drink make me feel ok? Now I just have a headache. I better have another, that’ll help. Another. It’s fine I’ll have another... I’m going to feel crappy tomorrow anyway — I’ve crossed the rubicon, let’s open another bottle. Now I’m drunk. How can I get more? I should have more to help relieve how I know I’ll feel tomorrow....
And the cycle continues. No thank you. Never again.
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