Day 5- I Give Myself Permission to Heal
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 13
Day 5- I Give Myself Permission to Heal
Last night I wrote in my journal again. Since I have sobered up, my mind is so much more clear. My thoughts form more easily. Last night I wrote a phrase that came to mind and it really resonated with me.
"I give myself permission to heal"
I am fortunate that I work from home. My husband pays most of our expenses. This gives me time to just be. When I started this new sober life not that long ago, I told myself even if I did nothing at all, as long as I wasn't drinking, I was winning. While previously I would use my freedom to drink, now I want to use my freedom to think, to be, to live, to do, to exist in this world. I have a ton of to-dos on my list, but I am giving myself a chance to heal whatever is broken in me that made being a drunk part of my life. I can't merely stop drinking. I have to remodel parts of my life. I have to find new things to do with my time. I have to reclaim my time. Being an alcoholic is a lot of work and now that I am not drinking, I seem to have a lot more productive time to use on my hands. I am actually excited. I do not feel like I am missing out. I feel like I gave myself a gift.
I know this all started because I was coping with severe untreated anxiety and a constant feeling of overwhelm. Drinking was the only time I would allow myself to sit on the couch, watch TV, and not think about all the things I had to do because my brain was busy being drunk. My anxiety is now treated. I finally got the right medication two months ago and the calm is amazing, but the alcohol stayed. Getting drunk was part of my life for so long and had escalated in the past year that I wasn't sure I knew what life was like without it.
I do not feel like I took something away from myself like I did the other day. Now I feel like I gave myself an opportunity. Its like getting a scholarship for a school you couldn't attend because of money. I have a chance to do things. Things I deserve to have in my life. Things I deserve to do with my life. Little things, like cleaning my daughter's room today for no reason other than it was filthy and I couldn't stand it anymore. For so long I couldn't figure out why I had no desire to do anything. I had a bad case of the MEHs for over a year.
Clean the house.MEH. Do a little work. MEH. Put away laundry. MEH.
MMMMEEEHHHHHHHH
I feel my MEHs slowly slipping away. For that, I am thankful. I felt miserable for so long. Useless. Lazy. Worthless. I was frustrated. Now I can see some light. I wasn't lazy. I was drunk. I was hungover. I was vitamin deficient. I was dehydrated. I was low energy. I was tired. I was unrested. All the lies alcohol made me feel about myself. It wasn't just me as a person. There isn't something wrong with me. There is something wrong with alcohol and me.
I feel really grateful for this forum and all the support here. Thank you for this outlet. I find something encouraging every day.
My husband telling me he is so proud of me every day is helping. Not feeling ashamed is helping. Allowing myself time to figure out who I am without alcohol is helping. Sometimes I miss it, but the pros of not drinking definitely outweigh the cons. I am not saying I will never drink again. It may happen at anytime. Lapses happen. I have never wanted a completely sober life. I do like a nice buzz, but fall down drunk is not working. I know that is a dangerous thing to say in a Sober forum, but I want to be realistic with myself and I do not want to be all "full steam ahead to sober town", take a night off, and then be too ashamed to come back. I also don't want to lie to myself and believe I have the strength to drink in moderation. Its a balancing act.
For now, I am very happy with my days and now my nights without being drunk.
On with Day 5.
"I give myself permission to heal"
I am fortunate that I work from home. My husband pays most of our expenses. This gives me time to just be. When I started this new sober life not that long ago, I told myself even if I did nothing at all, as long as I wasn't drinking, I was winning. While previously I would use my freedom to drink, now I want to use my freedom to think, to be, to live, to do, to exist in this world. I have a ton of to-dos on my list, but I am giving myself a chance to heal whatever is broken in me that made being a drunk part of my life. I can't merely stop drinking. I have to remodel parts of my life. I have to find new things to do with my time. I have to reclaim my time. Being an alcoholic is a lot of work and now that I am not drinking, I seem to have a lot more productive time to use on my hands. I am actually excited. I do not feel like I am missing out. I feel like I gave myself a gift.
I know this all started because I was coping with severe untreated anxiety and a constant feeling of overwhelm. Drinking was the only time I would allow myself to sit on the couch, watch TV, and not think about all the things I had to do because my brain was busy being drunk. My anxiety is now treated. I finally got the right medication two months ago and the calm is amazing, but the alcohol stayed. Getting drunk was part of my life for so long and had escalated in the past year that I wasn't sure I knew what life was like without it.
I do not feel like I took something away from myself like I did the other day. Now I feel like I gave myself an opportunity. Its like getting a scholarship for a school you couldn't attend because of money. I have a chance to do things. Things I deserve to have in my life. Things I deserve to do with my life. Little things, like cleaning my daughter's room today for no reason other than it was filthy and I couldn't stand it anymore. For so long I couldn't figure out why I had no desire to do anything. I had a bad case of the MEHs for over a year.
Clean the house.MEH. Do a little work. MEH. Put away laundry. MEH.
MMMMEEEHHHHHHHH
I feel my MEHs slowly slipping away. For that, I am thankful. I felt miserable for so long. Useless. Lazy. Worthless. I was frustrated. Now I can see some light. I wasn't lazy. I was drunk. I was hungover. I was vitamin deficient. I was dehydrated. I was low energy. I was tired. I was unrested. All the lies alcohol made me feel about myself. It wasn't just me as a person. There isn't something wrong with me. There is something wrong with alcohol and me.
I feel really grateful for this forum and all the support here. Thank you for this outlet. I find something encouraging every day.
My husband telling me he is so proud of me every day is helping. Not feeling ashamed is helping. Allowing myself time to figure out who I am without alcohol is helping. Sometimes I miss it, but the pros of not drinking definitely outweigh the cons. I am not saying I will never drink again. It may happen at anytime. Lapses happen. I have never wanted a completely sober life. I do like a nice buzz, but fall down drunk is not working. I know that is a dangerous thing to say in a Sober forum, but I want to be realistic with myself and I do not want to be all "full steam ahead to sober town", take a night off, and then be too ashamed to come back. I also don't want to lie to myself and believe I have the strength to drink in moderation. Its a balancing act.
For now, I am very happy with my days and now my nights without being drunk.
On with Day 5.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ohio
Posts: 9
I love this post. I hope I can think just this positively soon. I am also on day 5. It has felt like a long week, but I'm so happy to be here. My dangerous time is the weekends when I'm home alone or trying to get chores done. I always thought drinking made chores easier. I was relaxed and cleaned the most while drinking wine. But I think that was a lie it told me too. I am doing the same amount now. I am managing okay. I do have more even energy through the night too. I don't hit this wall after 4 glasses of wine and just want to sleep at 8pm.
I need to remodel my life too. Find something that is healthy to come home to. Be happy enough to be home instead of needing the wine to relax and "feel good". I decided that today I'm going to throw out all my wine glasses. I think just using them is a trigger even if non-alcoholic stuff is in them. I have held those glasses so many times and put them up to my mouth to taste my poison. I can't have them here anymore. I'm going to throw them away & then buy a pack of new pretty REGULAR glasses. I bet my husband will say something... Which means I will probably tell him I am wanting to not drink anymore. Something I haven't said before. It is great your husband is supporting you and proud of you. I wish I was so brave as to console in mine.
I need to remodel my life too. Find something that is healthy to come home to. Be happy enough to be home instead of needing the wine to relax and "feel good". I decided that today I'm going to throw out all my wine glasses. I think just using them is a trigger even if non-alcoholic stuff is in them. I have held those glasses so many times and put them up to my mouth to taste my poison. I can't have them here anymore. I'm going to throw them away & then buy a pack of new pretty REGULAR glasses. I bet my husband will say something... Which means I will probably tell him I am wanting to not drink anymore. Something I haven't said before. It is great your husband is supporting you and proud of you. I wish I was so brave as to console in mine.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 985
Originally Posted by Liesinthesun 
While previously I would use my freedom to drink, now I want to use my freedom to think, to be, to live, to do, to exist in this world....I have to reclaim my time. Being an alcoholic is a lot of work and now that I am not drinking, I seem to have a lot more productive time to use on my hands. I am actually excited. I do not feel like I am missing out. I feel like I gave myself a gift.
For now, I am very happy with my days and now my nights without being drunk.
Happy to have your voice on SR!
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