Does he care
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 3
Does he care
I’m going through a divorce from my ex who is an addict with cocainne and alcohol. We were together 15years and av 3 children. He left to live life up and has said he still loves me and wants to come home. We have been getting on over the phone and said we will chat more and take one day at a time. He now says he meets up with someone and chats about life stuff and has sex. He was with her the other night. I feel so hurt cause I thought we were connecting and could stand a chance at saving our marriage. Why would he chat so deeply with me then go off having sex? Do he really not care?
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Welcome!
I moved your thread to the Newcomers Forum where more members will see it.
I'm sorry for your situation. Is your husband actively drinking and drugging? If so, he may be making poor decisions.
You might consider AlAnon in your area as a support for you.
I moved your thread to the Newcomers Forum where more members will see it.
I'm sorry for your situation. Is your husband actively drinking and drugging? If so, he may be making poor decisions.
You might consider AlAnon in your area as a support for you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Chicago
Posts: 605
Originally Posted by Starv 
Thank you for moving post I’m new to all this. Yes he is still dabbling in his additions. I don’t think he knows what he wants I just wish I didn’t love him anymore
In all honesty there is no dabbling in addictions. Once your an addict you are either actively using or not. There is no in between for people like us.
I have always been on the other side of this conversation, so I do not know how you feel, but I can say that you can not love a person enough to make them change. They have to want to change.
I'm not sure if this helps. I do hope that things improve for you.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I am sorry for what brings you here. Regardless of his addiction stuff he is meeting up and having sex with and confiding in another woman.
these are not the actions of a loving man who wants to repair his marriage. Please put yourself and your childrn first. You deserve to be treated so much better than this. Forget about what he wants. Put yourself and chikdren first. Dont be a doormat just waiting for him to make all the decisions. Why would you want a man back who is not just having sex with another woman but telling you. 😢
some men are just unfaithful and untrustworthy regardless of their addictions. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour.
these are not the actions of a loving man who wants to repair his marriage. Please put yourself and your childrn first. You deserve to be treated so much better than this. Forget about what he wants. Put yourself and chikdren first. Dont be a doormat just waiting for him to make all the decisions. Why would you want a man back who is not just having sex with another woman but telling you. 😢
some men are just unfaithful and untrustworthy regardless of their addictions. It's not an excuse for bad behaviour.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Starv!! 
There are times in life when you need to put boundaries in place with others that may negatively impact your own life. Looking in on someone else's addiction can be very frustrating, but we can't wait in the hope that people change, we must go out there and grab the life that we want, for you and your children.
If they change, then great, but what if they don't, don't let life pass by waiting in the hope others change, as it doesn't always happen!!
You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
There are times in life when you need to put boundaries in place with others that may negatively impact your own life. Looking in on someone else's addiction can be very frustrating, but we can't wait in the hope that people change, we must go out there and grab the life that we want, for you and your children.
If they change, then great, but what if they don't, don't let life pass by waiting in the hope others change, as it doesn't always happen!!
You'll find loads of support here on SR!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,355
Gosh I'm so sorry. I feel for you. That IMO is so insensitive of him, but as a guy I thi k he is trying to make you jealous which if true is also horrible. I would tell him straight up how you feel and that what he said hurt you to the core. I am very sorry for your situation and wish you the very best in your decision.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Hi Starv - welcome.
I'm sorry for what brings you here., UI never cheated but I can only think back to when I was an active addict and thought that everyone would always love me no matter what I did.
It was delusions and selfishness big time. Maybe he's deluded too, I don't know.
I do know that you deserve better treatment
Please do use the support here, both in this forum and the Family and Friends forum too.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
D
I'm sorry for what brings you here., UI never cheated but I can only think back to when I was an active addict and thought that everyone would always love me no matter what I did.
It was delusions and selfishness big time. Maybe he's deluded too, I don't know.
I do know that you deserve better treatment
Please do use the support here, both in this forum and the Family and Friends forum too.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 5
Sorry to hear this
I so feel for you. Unfortunately, you are his Comfort Zone and he will probably use you to make himself feel better as long as you let him. You will never change him. Take care of YOU and your children. The best to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
I read the friends and family section of this forum a lot, because I try to understand what I've done to my loved ones and how it affected them. Post on there, they are strong, badass great people that will validate your feelings and give you strength to move on!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Active addicts use things to make themselves feel better, no matter how temporary or fleeting. It doesn't matter that it may destroy opportunities for long-term joy. Breathtakingly bad decision making is a hallmark of the addict.
Creating space for the addict to not realize the consequences of those bad decisions is a hallmark of the enabler.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You put your children at risk by condoning it.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
Creating space for the addict to not realize the consequences of those bad decisions is a hallmark of the enabler.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You put your children at risk by condoning it.
Best of Luck on Your Journey.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi Starv. I am sorry things are so confusing. That's what us addicts can do at our worst- spread confusion, doubt and chaos. Make others feel bad about themselves and indulge our every infantile impulse.
You have kids with him and seem to be on a decent footing. Just work that angle and forget about anything else right now. If he can co-parent with you in some fashion and you two can be civil with each other and can communicate, that is the best you can hope for while he is active in his addiction(s).
My advice is to not let him back into your life in any other fashion until you see real long-term changes in his behavior. If he is sober for a while and in his right mind, he will not keep trying to talk you into reconciliation. He will only apologize every chance he gets and will show you through his deeds that he is changed. It will be obvious to you.
You have kids with him and seem to be on a decent footing. Just work that angle and forget about anything else right now. If he can co-parent with you in some fashion and you two can be civil with each other and can communicate, that is the best you can hope for while he is active in his addiction(s).
My advice is to not let him back into your life in any other fashion until you see real long-term changes in his behavior. If he is sober for a while and in his right mind, he will not keep trying to talk you into reconciliation. He will only apologize every chance he gets and will show you through his deeds that he is changed. It will be obvious to you.
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