What gives...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 43
What gives...
Ok, so I havent posted in a couple weeks. My EXB split a few weeks ago. I have not reached out to him but have taken the stance that I will respond, not quickly, to his contact with me. (I'm not the type of person to block/ignore someone when they text.) Since the breakup, i habe gotten roughly 2 "token" texts from him a week, generally Wednesday and Saturday.... Weird, i know. Anyhow, i live in the northwest and decided to take a cross country trip to visit family on the east coast...mainly to get away and enjoy my life without work, daily life, etc. While i have been here, my EAB has texted to make sure I arrived "safe and sound", texted to find out how the trip is, and even called to ask about my "adventures." What the heck....there has been no deep conversations and I raved about all the fun I was having (without him), which gave me a great deal of satisfaction. I am at a loss honestly...why does he care? What is his angle? He is now free to have his love affair with his alcohol... What gives? Is this typical?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I am at a loss honestly...why does he care?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
I said this in your other thread but don't know if you saw it, but it applies here as well:
"I think many addicts would like to have a "normal" life. That does not mean it's possible when they are in active addiction and he has realized that. The choice is alcohol or a normal life with a nice person.
He chooses alcohol and probably, really, sees no other choice which again you will understand more about as you learn more".
He can't have a relationship with you and be an alcoholic and drink as much as he wants to, so it would seem. This way he gets to keep you in his life and drink as much as he wants. Also, it keeps you on the line, he doesn't have to worry about you wandering off with someone else if he keeps you engaged in this relationship (I'm guessing).
"I think many addicts would like to have a "normal" life. That does not mean it's possible when they are in active addiction and he has realized that. The choice is alcohol or a normal life with a nice person.
He chooses alcohol and probably, really, sees no other choice which again you will understand more about as you learn more".
He can't have a relationship with you and be an alcoholic and drink as much as he wants to, so it would seem. This way he gets to keep you in his life and drink as much as he wants. Also, it keeps you on the line, he doesn't have to worry about you wandering off with someone else if he keeps you engaged in this relationship (I'm guessing).
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
He is your ex. You are far better to let him go, move on and focus on your life.
If you respond you are keeping yourself stuck and hooked into his mind games.
Sorry, I know this is hard to do but is far better than being keep hanging on a chain by him.
Addicts do tend to cling on just to keep their options open in case they want something.
If you respond you are keeping yourself stuck and hooked into his mind games.
Sorry, I know this is hard to do but is far better than being keep hanging on a chain by him.
Addicts do tend to cling on just to keep their options open in case they want something.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Sounds like he's warming you up to get back together, and you sound like you're buying it. It might be a slow process but you can see where its going.
Like the others, I suggest you take a break from the texting. It's not like being impolite to someone; you're doing it because you 2 have history and its the healthiest thing.
Like the others, I suggest you take a break from the texting. It's not like being impolite to someone; you're doing it because you 2 have history and its the healthiest thing.
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Why does he care?
He’s bored and filling his time. His contact, as described by you, is superficial. He can count on you to respond when others have stopped getting back to him. I’m sorry if this is difficult for you to hear. It’s not about you, per se, it’s about him getting something that he wants: attention.
Look, I’m southern; I was raised on manners and being kind to everyone. I say “excuse me” to trees when I accidentally run into them. And I don’t answer every text message I get from people—so if I can do it, you can too.
One of the most difficult parts of my recovery from the relationship with my abusive XAF was facing the question “what does this say about me?” It was the question that helped me start moving forward; however.
Ask yourself “What does it say about me that feel I have to answer his texts, even if I take a while to do it?” Put aside the “I’m nice to everybody” because that’s not the real answer. If I punched you in the teeth and stamped on your foot, then sent you a text a week later, would you get back in touch with me or ignore me?
Do you enjoy the contact from *someone*? Do you believe that he’s eventually going to get sober and be the kind of guy you want (and realistically he’s not going to do that). The only way you’re going to move past this guy is to face your own inner dialogue and work for your own healing. He is not your concern and he has to face his problems by himself.
I wish you all the best.
He’s bored and filling his time. His contact, as described by you, is superficial. He can count on you to respond when others have stopped getting back to him. I’m sorry if this is difficult for you to hear. It’s not about you, per se, it’s about him getting something that he wants: attention.
Look, I’m southern; I was raised on manners and being kind to everyone. I say “excuse me” to trees when I accidentally run into them. And I don’t answer every text message I get from people—so if I can do it, you can too.
One of the most difficult parts of my recovery from the relationship with my abusive XAF was facing the question “what does this say about me?” It was the question that helped me start moving forward; however.
Ask yourself “What does it say about me that feel I have to answer his texts, even if I take a while to do it?” Put aside the “I’m nice to everybody” because that’s not the real answer. If I punched you in the teeth and stamped on your foot, then sent you a text a week later, would you get back in touch with me or ignore me?
Do you enjoy the contact from *someone*? Do you believe that he’s eventually going to get sober and be the kind of guy you want (and realistically he’s not going to do that). The only way you’re going to move past this guy is to face your own inner dialogue and work for your own healing. He is not your concern and he has to face his problems by himself.
I wish you all the best.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 32
The question isn't really why does he care, it is why do you care? Whatever his reason are for staying in contact with you, they don't involve him getting sober and a happy ever after. My exah still texts me. He no doubt hopes he will catch me on a weak day and I will ask him back, where he would half heartedly attempt to stay sober for a brief while and then give up.
You sound like you are not ready to move on or let go of your ex. Keeping channels of contact open is not helpful to either of you.
You sound like you are not ready to move on or let go of your ex. Keeping channels of contact open is not helpful to either of you.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
My opinion? Addicts like to keep a backup person, someone they can potentially turn to for a place to sleep, money, etc.
You would likely have to flay the skin off him to get him to admit this, but I think that's what's going on.
Time and distance will help you regarding going no contact.
You would likely have to flay the skin off him to get him to admit this, but I think that's what's going on.
Time and distance will help you regarding going no contact.
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