Regaining your superpowers
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 4
Regaining your superpowers
Hi all, I have posted before under a different name but for various reasons have changed my identity here. I never posted much, mainly read others' threads and try to draw strength from the experiences of other participants. However, today marks two years completely sober for me and I wanted to share some observations in hopes that it will help others just setting out on the journey to understand how their perspectives and mental/physical powers will wax and wane in the first two years of recovery.
The thread title reflects how I feel about the descent into alcoholism saps us of the will power that we once had to achieve great and difficult things. For me, drinking provided an escape from a stressful career that was not very fulfilling emotionally/spiritually. Over time, however, drinking reduced my ability to perform in my challenging job. Drinking at night killed my motivation to learn new things/hobbies, and made every day of work and other activities seem like a chore that I had to grind through. In the end I also drank out of disappointment in my failure to achieve career goals and my feeling of sliding down the social ladder, which in turn led me to fear making big life decisions like having children with my wife, whom I love very much and who always supported/supports me in my decisions.
This is not an unusual story, just the typical "high functioning" alcoholic/workaholic template. The banal nature of the story, however, does not make it less tragic, because this life is so quasi-acceptable that many suffering through it just see it as "life", or as I used to call it, "my bull**** stressful life". When (before quitting) I read on SR about how my fear of financial ruin (and various other fears) would fade away once I stopped drinking and started recovering, I really didn't believe it. I thought that I had so many concrete problems (physical, emotional, financial, interpersonal, etc.) that merely changing my drinking habits couldn't possibly lead to significant change. From what people said about sobriety here and elsewhere, life just inexplicably got better when you stopped drinking (crazy talk, I know!).
On 3 Feb 2017, I was heavily indebted and my company was on the verge of insolvency and my partners were abandoning me . My income was lower than the cost of servicing my debt every month. My wife offered to sell her engagement ring and also started working a minimum wage job 14 hours a day just to chip in for rent and other expenses. The tax authorities were claiming I owed a large sum of money for back taxes and had filed a lien on my assets and bank accounts. My body was in pain: although I exercised and wasn't overweight, my joints and back hurt, I had a swollen liver, and my skin was a mess, so much so that I was very self-conscious about it. I was drinking half a bottle of vodka and a few beers or wine every night and also taking sleeping pills just to stay asleep for 4 hours (and caffeine tablets to get back "up" for the day). I was hanging on by a thin thread (and no one dug that about me) and when I boarded flights, I always had the same thought: "take me now", for which I immediately felt guilty because who would then take care of my wife, but then again, was I really taking care of my wife? Not happy thoughts. Some of you will probably relate.
By some miracle I had the sense to quit (cold turkey, white knuckling it, no 12 steps) and thus began a herky jerky process of physical, mental, and emotional recovery that progressed and regressed in 6-9 month increments, with something always improving while other areas stagnated, but getting better and better on the whole. People sometimes mention how "90 days was tough", or "9 months was a sticky period", etc. and it was all true for me. I remember feeling physically great at 9 months, while also flying off the handle emotionally on a regular basis. I was definitely still not well and probably not ready for public consumption at that point. The one year mark brought depression and setbacks for me and I just had to grind through it. And then the miracles started happening.
They happened in small ways first and then started getting bigger and more significant, as if to emphasize to me that there was no denying that this was all happening because of the hugely significant change to my physical and spiritual life I had made in Feb 2017.
First, I had a glimmer of light in my professional life. A large piece of business presented itself at the very moment that I was preparing to wind up my company and start looking for work elsewhere. This saved my business and allowed me to pay off some of my debt and to start eating something other than eggs, rice and tunafish for every meal. I still eat eggs, rice, and tunafish for every meal, however.
Then, my wife became pregnant. We had been trying for 6 years and were approaching the age where artificial insemination is the only viable option. But it just happened and kept happening.
I resolved my tax issues. It turns out the authorities were wrong (shocking, I know) about my tax bill. I owed nothing. Of course, this took a lot of work and tax law research on my part, but I found the energy and resolve to do it (out of necessity) and I won. That wouldn't have happened if I were still busy ramping my BAC up to 0.25 every night at 8pm sharp.
I found the energy to focus on a Plan B: I had always wanted to pursue a certain graduate degree and, if things either went very well, or very not well, I reckoned I might have a chance to pursue this long-standing dream. Was this for self-respect or a practical matter in the event that I ran into more business challenges (and needed alternatives), or just me seeking ways to reengage with the intellectual world that I had abandoned many years ago in favor of lord Mammon? Not sure, but it was a big challenge to study for the standardized tests I had to take in order to apply (and to score high percentiles on these tests), to write the statements of purpose, etc. and it was, on the whole, a great experience, regardless of what happens. Waiting for those letters right now!
The government gave me a big tax refund. Errr...yes, the same guys who said I owed them a year's salary worth of tax, until I didn't. Anyway, I'll take it, not complaining. I used this money to pay down more debt.
My son was born. He is healthy, doesn't cry too much and is pretty much the cutest thing ever. This was quite a revelation and the biggest miracle of all. I have never been a person who defined themselves by their family or even particularly wanted to have kids. But this one is a good egg and I don't want to let him down. I feel like he is giving me energy to press on and achieve what I need to achieve for our little family.
More business: I am working on a new business project that will hopefully be even larger than my existing business (and will possibly be less stressful). If I can close this deal, I may be able to hire more people and spend more time with family.
And life just keeps happening. Things seem to be getting better for now, though I realize that the setbacks will happen as well...but I am pretty sure I will be able to absorb them without melting down. What changed that made everything better?
Stopping drinking allows you to regain your innate energy and curiosity and resilience. Nurturing these qualities will mean that you are planting more seeds every day, from which something might grow in the future. Not every seed will sprout, but you will have a lot more nice, unexpected surprises than you would if your field was completely barren or overgrown with weeds while you lolled in your squalid sod hut suckling from an earthen jug of corn liquor. As far as I can see, that is why things get better. But I'm just 2 years old, I'm sure more wisdom awaits in the years to come. Good luck out there, folks, and stay strong!
The thread title reflects how I feel about the descent into alcoholism saps us of the will power that we once had to achieve great and difficult things. For me, drinking provided an escape from a stressful career that was not very fulfilling emotionally/spiritually. Over time, however, drinking reduced my ability to perform in my challenging job. Drinking at night killed my motivation to learn new things/hobbies, and made every day of work and other activities seem like a chore that I had to grind through. In the end I also drank out of disappointment in my failure to achieve career goals and my feeling of sliding down the social ladder, which in turn led me to fear making big life decisions like having children with my wife, whom I love very much and who always supported/supports me in my decisions.
This is not an unusual story, just the typical "high functioning" alcoholic/workaholic template. The banal nature of the story, however, does not make it less tragic, because this life is so quasi-acceptable that many suffering through it just see it as "life", or as I used to call it, "my bull**** stressful life". When (before quitting) I read on SR about how my fear of financial ruin (and various other fears) would fade away once I stopped drinking and started recovering, I really didn't believe it. I thought that I had so many concrete problems (physical, emotional, financial, interpersonal, etc.) that merely changing my drinking habits couldn't possibly lead to significant change. From what people said about sobriety here and elsewhere, life just inexplicably got better when you stopped drinking (crazy talk, I know!).
On 3 Feb 2017, I was heavily indebted and my company was on the verge of insolvency and my partners were abandoning me . My income was lower than the cost of servicing my debt every month. My wife offered to sell her engagement ring and also started working a minimum wage job 14 hours a day just to chip in for rent and other expenses. The tax authorities were claiming I owed a large sum of money for back taxes and had filed a lien on my assets and bank accounts. My body was in pain: although I exercised and wasn't overweight, my joints and back hurt, I had a swollen liver, and my skin was a mess, so much so that I was very self-conscious about it. I was drinking half a bottle of vodka and a few beers or wine every night and also taking sleeping pills just to stay asleep for 4 hours (and caffeine tablets to get back "up" for the day). I was hanging on by a thin thread (and no one dug that about me) and when I boarded flights, I always had the same thought: "take me now", for which I immediately felt guilty because who would then take care of my wife, but then again, was I really taking care of my wife? Not happy thoughts. Some of you will probably relate.
By some miracle I had the sense to quit (cold turkey, white knuckling it, no 12 steps) and thus began a herky jerky process of physical, mental, and emotional recovery that progressed and regressed in 6-9 month increments, with something always improving while other areas stagnated, but getting better and better on the whole. People sometimes mention how "90 days was tough", or "9 months was a sticky period", etc. and it was all true for me. I remember feeling physically great at 9 months, while also flying off the handle emotionally on a regular basis. I was definitely still not well and probably not ready for public consumption at that point. The one year mark brought depression and setbacks for me and I just had to grind through it. And then the miracles started happening.
They happened in small ways first and then started getting bigger and more significant, as if to emphasize to me that there was no denying that this was all happening because of the hugely significant change to my physical and spiritual life I had made in Feb 2017.
First, I had a glimmer of light in my professional life. A large piece of business presented itself at the very moment that I was preparing to wind up my company and start looking for work elsewhere. This saved my business and allowed me to pay off some of my debt and to start eating something other than eggs, rice and tunafish for every meal. I still eat eggs, rice, and tunafish for every meal, however.
Then, my wife became pregnant. We had been trying for 6 years and were approaching the age where artificial insemination is the only viable option. But it just happened and kept happening.
I resolved my tax issues. It turns out the authorities were wrong (shocking, I know) about my tax bill. I owed nothing. Of course, this took a lot of work and tax law research on my part, but I found the energy and resolve to do it (out of necessity) and I won. That wouldn't have happened if I were still busy ramping my BAC up to 0.25 every night at 8pm sharp.
I found the energy to focus on a Plan B: I had always wanted to pursue a certain graduate degree and, if things either went very well, or very not well, I reckoned I might have a chance to pursue this long-standing dream. Was this for self-respect or a practical matter in the event that I ran into more business challenges (and needed alternatives), or just me seeking ways to reengage with the intellectual world that I had abandoned many years ago in favor of lord Mammon? Not sure, but it was a big challenge to study for the standardized tests I had to take in order to apply (and to score high percentiles on these tests), to write the statements of purpose, etc. and it was, on the whole, a great experience, regardless of what happens. Waiting for those letters right now!
The government gave me a big tax refund. Errr...yes, the same guys who said I owed them a year's salary worth of tax, until I didn't. Anyway, I'll take it, not complaining. I used this money to pay down more debt.
My son was born. He is healthy, doesn't cry too much and is pretty much the cutest thing ever. This was quite a revelation and the biggest miracle of all. I have never been a person who defined themselves by their family or even particularly wanted to have kids. But this one is a good egg and I don't want to let him down. I feel like he is giving me energy to press on and achieve what I need to achieve for our little family.
More business: I am working on a new business project that will hopefully be even larger than my existing business (and will possibly be less stressful). If I can close this deal, I may be able to hire more people and spend more time with family.
And life just keeps happening. Things seem to be getting better for now, though I realize that the setbacks will happen as well...but I am pretty sure I will be able to absorb them without melting down. What changed that made everything better?
Stopping drinking allows you to regain your innate energy and curiosity and resilience. Nurturing these qualities will mean that you are planting more seeds every day, from which something might grow in the future. Not every seed will sprout, but you will have a lot more nice, unexpected surprises than you would if your field was completely barren or overgrown with weeds while you lolled in your squalid sod hut suckling from an earthen jug of corn liquor. As far as I can see, that is why things get better. But I'm just 2 years old, I'm sure more wisdom awaits in the years to come. Good luck out there, folks, and stay strong!
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