Slowly ridding my life of people who thrive on drama a/o situations of drama
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Slowly ridding my life of people who thrive on drama a/o situations of drama
I know this might sound awful, but I just can't deal with the constant drama and "triggered" anymore. I'm still there for my friends, but I can't deal with everything being a life altering chaotic event. have seen a lot of passive aggressive behavior come out in turn.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Clover, that doesn't sound awful at all. That sounds like healthy boundaries. There is no way we can be everything to everyone.
I finally decided that sometimes the best thing I can give to someone is my own absence. It kind of pays the compliment to the individual that they can figure out their own problems.
I finally decided that sometimes the best thing I can give to someone is my own absence. It kind of pays the compliment to the individual that they can figure out their own problems.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I agree, Clover. I've had to back away from someone in my life who is extraordinarily controlling--a co-worker and friend. Underneath it all I believe she means well, but has no idea how her actions affect others. So, I've put some distance there.
And there is nothing wrong with that. We all get to decide when and how we spend our energy!
And there is nothing wrong with that. We all get to decide when and how we spend our energy!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Another voice chiming in here--one of the things I most appreciate having learned is that no, I do NOT have to be drawn into other people's drama unless I choose to be. It has brought a lot more peace into my life. Even more, it has taken away a lot of the burden of what I "should do for people."
Knowing that I can choose how involved I get, and even IF I get involved, in another person's problems, has been tremendously freeing for me.
Knowing that I can choose how involved I get, and even IF I get involved, in another person's problems, has been tremendously freeing for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Clover, good for you! I think it's extremely healthy to distance yourself from people who drain you. Just because you are genetically related to some one, or because you have known them for years/decades does not mean you have to give over your precious energy to their ongoing drama and crisis. Some people just exist in the chaos, I've learned in my middle years to avoid those people at all costs. My AXH isn't the only person I learned to love from a distance... My own "stuff" exhausts me, I refuse to take on other peoples any longer!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
I'm just trying to figure out how to do it kindly. One friend in particular seems to have a nervous breakdown over everything, and she inserts herself into these situations. She sent me a text last week and it said "things are really bad. Sorry I can't talk now but I will call when I can". It was beyond bizarre because we had not been having any type of discussion, and we talk maybe twice a week. I read it a little puzzled and a bit worried, but I was also so sick last week that it really didn't take up too much space in my head. I call her a few days later, and it was like nothing happened and everything was fine now and it all worked out. Now, it was a serious situation and I'm glad it worked out, but why not follow up to me and say hey everything is ok? I get a similar text last night. It says "hey, didn't you see my text about xxx". I had not gotten any text from her. Her husband has to have a procedure and she is rightfully worried, but of course she has it down to the worst case scenario i.e. That procedure isn't going to work so he will need a different one and will lose his job. I simply said the first one will work and recovery time is short. I was making dinner and hanging with my kids. So, she calls me instead of replying and I don't answer because i am busy and can't get into some long drawn out maddening conversation. She finally replied ok and that was it. I sort of feel bad because she is a friend, but she is one of these friends who wants you to be on demand when she wants you to be there. I guess for now I will force text conversations instead of getting drawn into phone conversations that make me want to tell her that most of her issues are about her meddling into everyone else's stuff and allowing herself to be drawn into chaos.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
I found once I stopped providing what they needed from me, the drama seekers faded away on their own. So it took care of itself.
I agree, they just move on to find someone else who will listen to it all and give the response they want.
I agree, they just move on to find someone else who will listen to it all and give the response they want.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
are you sure she is truly a friend? can you call her at any time and share what is going on in YOUR life?
remember, we do not have to reply to text messages. (within reason, there are times when it's relevant - kids, running late to meet someone, etc). but we are not required to reply to every text we recieve. we are not someone else's puppet. and a phone is a convenience, not an autocrat!
worry less about how the other person MIGHT interpret our non-reply...don't try to appease or people please. the saying "poor planning on your part does not mean an emergency on my part" is sage wisdom.
remember, we do not have to reply to text messages. (within reason, there are times when it's relevant - kids, running late to meet someone, etc). but we are not required to reply to every text we recieve. we are not someone else's puppet. and a phone is a convenience, not an autocrat!
worry less about how the other person MIGHT interpret our non-reply...don't try to appease or people please. the saying "poor planning on your part does not mean an emergency on my part" is sage wisdom.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
She sent me a text last week and it said "things are really bad. Sorry I can't talk now but I will call when I can". It was beyond bizarre because we had not been having any type of discussion, and we talk maybe twice a week.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I think this is actually VERY healthy & something more people should do.
I was shocked at how dramatic people around me really were & even more so at how *I* must be getting a lot out of that chaos to want to keep myself tied so tightly to it, in so many relationships.
It does get lonely sometimes but even in those dark moments I can look back & say, "yeahhhhh... but I don't want THAT back either".
I don't keep score in friendships - but now I only invest time in friends that invest in the relationship from their side too. A couple of years ago I dropped contact with a best friend I've known since infancy because our mothers are friends, after close to 40 yrs..... when I stepped back I realized she never asked about my life (unless it was in a gossipy way) but also never hesitated to dump her garbage all over me every time she had something to complain about - & it was constant negativity. Nope, not anymore!
I got a lot of judgment & flack from people because I'm so "harsh" & "unforgiving" but really, it's not my job to run around telling people that they need to change or the ways to go about it.
I was shocked at how dramatic people around me really were & even more so at how *I* must be getting a lot out of that chaos to want to keep myself tied so tightly to it, in so many relationships.
It does get lonely sometimes but even in those dark moments I can look back & say, "yeahhhhh... but I don't want THAT back either".
I don't keep score in friendships - but now I only invest time in friends that invest in the relationship from their side too. A couple of years ago I dropped contact with a best friend I've known since infancy because our mothers are friends, after close to 40 yrs..... when I stepped back I realized she never asked about my life (unless it was in a gossipy way) but also never hesitated to dump her garbage all over me every time she had something to complain about - & it was constant negativity. Nope, not anymore!
I got a lot of judgment & flack from people because I'm so "harsh" & "unforgiving" but really, it's not my job to run around telling people that they need to change or the ways to go about it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by atalose 
I call that “attention fishing” and I’m sure you are not the only one she sends those kinds of text messages to. And as long as you bite each and every time she throws her line out she will keep on fishing. I can only imagine if she is on FB what kind of attention seeking she must do on there. And if she’s not on FB then maybe direct her to it so she’ll have a whole new platform and ease up on you.
hahaha. Yes. She is on FB doing the same and I ignore it. I waited and called
her tonight (should have texted - sigh). You could tell she was very chilly with me, almost scolding but didn't say it. We talked but I took no chaos bait.
Her husband is a widow. She actually checked in on FB at the cemetery when they went together to bring flowers to the gravesite
the call wasn't the best move, but I stood my ground. Back to the text. lol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I think this is actually VERY healthy & something more people should do.
I was shocked at how dramatic people around me really were & even more so at how *I* must be getting a lot out of that chaos to want to keep myself tied so tightly to it, in so many relationships.
It does get lonely sometimes but even in those dark moments I can look back & say, "yeahhhhh... but I don't want THAT back either".
I don't keep score in friendships - but now I only invest time in friends that invest in the relationship from their side too. A couple of years ago I dropped contact with a best friend I've known since infancy because our mothers are friends, after close to 40 yrs..... when I stepped back I realized she never asked about my life (unless it was in a gossipy way) but also never hesitated to dump her garbage all over me every time she had something to complain about - & it was constant negativity. Nope, not anymore!
I got a lot of judgment & flack from people because I'm so "harsh" & "unforgiving" but really, it's not my job to run around telling people that they need to change or the ways to go about it.
I was shocked at how dramatic people around me really were & even more so at how *I* must be getting a lot out of that chaos to want to keep myself tied so tightly to it, in so many relationships.
It does get lonely sometimes but even in those dark moments I can look back & say, "yeahhhhh... but I don't want THAT back either".
I don't keep score in friendships - but now I only invest time in friends that invest in the relationship from their side too. A couple of years ago I dropped contact with a best friend I've known since infancy because our mothers are friends, after close to 40 yrs..... when I stepped back I realized she never asked about my life (unless it was in a gossipy way) but also never hesitated to dump her garbage all over me every time she had something to complain about - & it was constant negativity. Nope, not anymore!
I got a lot of judgment & flack from people because I'm so "harsh" & "unforgiving" but really, it's not my job to run around telling people that they need to change or the ways to go about it.
yep. Agree. She does ask me about me at times but usually it's an afterthought. shenis also very all knowing and judgemental. Now, I want a friend to be honest, but my best friends know (and I know) when someone already knows something and you don't have to say it.
This is is the friend who asked me if AH went to rehab if I would stay with him, and I said probably not. She told me I was cruel. I stopped talking to her about a lot of things after that.
Thanks for chiming in. That must have been hard to lose that friend but also a relief to be done with the negativity. I can't deal with the chaos and negativity anymore. I think it really hit me over the past month or so. I'm even changing positions at work in part to learn more skills and in part because of the negativity amongst my coworker's. Maybe it's a growth spurt for me
. Thanks all all for the input.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Clover71
I can't deal with the chaos and negativity anymore. I think it really hit me over the past month or so. I'm even changing positions at work in part to learn more skills and in part because of the negativity amongst my coworker's. Maybe it's a growth spurt for me
Other people tend to only ever see that 1000th step even if they watched you walk all of them, fall 72 times, rise & try again. They just focus on step #1000. That's the one they can take personally.
I struggled with letting the friendship go but in the end, what friendship? It was all (& had been) very one-sided - but I was that frog in the pot, boiling away for decades, unable to see the truth in my situation.
Now I have a saying on my kitchen wall that reminds me, "Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest. It's about who walked into your life, said "I'm here for you" and proved it."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Things happen like this for me too - just all of a sudden, it hits me in a way I can't un-see & things seem to change rapidly. But really, it's more like I took the 1000th step & reached a peak I've been climbing toward for some time. All those 999 steps that came before were just as important, they just weren't the ones that aligned with the change.
Other people tend to only ever see that 1000th step even if they watched you walk all of them, fall 72 times, rise & try again. They just focus on step #1000. That's the one they can take personally.
I struggled with letting the friendship go but in the end, what friendship? It was all (& had been) very one-sided - but I was that frog in the pot, boiling away for decades, unable to see the truth in my situation.
Now I have a saying on my kitchen wall that reminds me, "Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest. It's about who walked into your life, said "I'm here for you" and proved it."
Other people tend to only ever see that 1000th step even if they watched you walk all of them, fall 72 times, rise & try again. They just focus on step #1000. That's the one they can take personally.
I struggled with letting the friendship go but in the end, what friendship? It was all (& had been) very one-sided - but I was that frog in the pot, boiling away for decades, unable to see the truth in my situation.
Now I have a saying on my kitchen wall that reminds me, "Friendship isn't about who you've known the longest. It's about who walked into your life, said "I'm here for you" and proved it."
i love this! As always I enjoy your perspective. It's hard for me because I have t really made but one true friend here after moving and our lives are different. I think about letting go of someone, and it's kinda painful in a way. she is also like an authoritarian figure in a way, and I guess I saw it but didn't see it until recently. I don't like that part of the friendship at all.
Maybe getting through January has done something for me. I feel all of these revelations for someone reason. two other things have happened, and without the long background story they wouldn't make sense here - in general, I let go of some things that were not good for me. Nothing nefarious, but one in particular I would have clawed to hold on tight and now I'm indifferent to it. I like this. Before I would have felt panicked and desperate.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
I’ve had to do this at times in my life too, and now let very few people in to begin with. Maybe my circle is very small now, but of the people who are in it, I’m happy when they reach out to me, and they do the same for me.
It’s sort of like mental nutrition.. Just all of it out there- if you’re constantly consuming junk media, social media nonsense (I lump that in there because it’s so rampant in our culture too), the rambling nonsense of someone who really doesn’t care about you and doesn’t have your best interest at heart- it’s like the mental equivalent of eating McDonalds and candy all day :/. You end up feeling mentally and emotionally drained and starved.
It’s sort of like mental nutrition.. Just all of it out there- if you’re constantly consuming junk media, social media nonsense (I lump that in there because it’s so rampant in our culture too), the rambling nonsense of someone who really doesn’t care about you and doesn’t have your best interest at heart- it’s like the mental equivalent of eating McDonalds and candy all day :/. You end up feeling mentally and emotionally drained and starved.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by pdm22
It’s sort of like mental nutrition... it’s like the mental equivalent of eating McDonalds and candy all day
I’ve had to do this at times in my life too, and now let very few people in to begin with. Maybe my circle is very small now, but of the people who are in it, I’m happy when they reach out to me, and they do the same for me.
Clover - it sounds like you're just outgrowing people? I know that sounds awful but it's the only choice we have when we desire change but people in our lives don't. People can always grow separately, together. It's delicate & requires attention, it doesn't just organically materialize - it needs "active" management appropriate to each individual relationship.
Hard stuff, but sounds like you're freeing up a lot of space for new & amazing things & friends!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
