FreeOwl

After the bar
Before the bar
Watching a movie
Throwing up
In the morning
On a conference call
In the parking lot
Outside the liquor store
In my hotel room
In the kitchen
At a bar I'd never been to before
In my car, on the road
When nobody was looking
Thinking nobody knew
and all of it just seemed 'normal'
As gradually it grew worse.....


I never lost my job, my home, my possessions...
I wasn't staggering around a park...
I didn't sleep in alleyways or bus stations....
I held respectable positions in work and community and friendships....
I kept things afloat - at least to outward appearances...
Behind the scenes it was a different truth...
Oh, but I had it all under control - so I told myself.

When I drank alone.



Is any of this familiar to you?



For me - looking back - it's so strange to type it all out, reflect upon it, and recognize that for so many years I accepted this as somehow "Not a problem". I accepted it as OK.... as a fine life to live..... as "normal".



I'm drinking alone right now.... a big glass of water to chase down my coffee and start my day in this 6th year of sobriety I'm working on......


It's so great to be free.

You can do this.

Think of this - if you find yourself.... drinking alone.

Kid50

Free2bme888

What a great post Owl,

Congrats on 5 years

Great way to remember and play things forward when we have romantic feelings about alcohol. Playing it forward by remembering how sick we were and playing it forward about how wonderful and free we will be if we just keep keeping on

WaterOx

Boy can I ever relate to this.

Free2bme888

When I drank alone…

I would do gardening work
I would sit and drunk Facebook on the couch
I would watch nature and look at how nice it was… But I wasn’t in it
I would drink while I was talking to people on the phone
I drank when I took my six years old twins to the drive-in movie theater in the car
After drinking all day I bought more wine so I could have some in between going back to my ex ABF’s for more wine
I drank before meeting my ABF
I would go into his liquor cabinet and have a couple more sips after he would go upstairs and brush his teeth

On the third day of this sobriety stint —-that has lasted over eight months of the rest of my life,—- I reached into a chest drawer that had four miniature bottles of booze in it that I just had in case...I don’t know in case of what..... And I told my kids I was running to the store and I placed them in my purse with this sole intent of just drinking in the parking lot and coming home.

I stopped just short of the door… The Tao inside of me looked at what I was doing and played it for me like a movie, watching this woman (me) almost choose to restart this awful cycle behavior of self-destruction and deceit and denial and shame.

I made a decision to put the booze back in the drawer. Next day I gave it away.

Still going strong. Will get to my five years. My 20


Thank you again for the reminder. Thought I’d share some of my struggles too in case someone else can relate

Zebra1275

Good post.

Yes, I drank alone. I would guess that 98% of my alcoholic drinking was alone. In social settings my drinking was very moderate and controlled because I knew I could get drunk later when I got home and was alone.

For some reason when I type “I Drink Alone” the old song of the same name by George Thorogood plays in my head. That song is so accurate it makes me wonder if George had an alcohol problem.

travelbug

Ditto on all of the above, added a few

Before Parent teacher conference
Before Xmas Eve service (really?) Yep, I did
Before child bday party
Before any bday party

I never got a DUI.
Never got fired from a job.

I am still here, thanks to God, and healthy, strong and SOBER.

Day 32

travelbug

What does TAO stand for?

Jim1958

After a number of embarrassing incidents, I finally stopped drinking in bars, in public, around people in general. I would just buy booze and drink at home. It was easier. Nobody saying stop, I could just drink as much as I wanted. I knew it was bad, but I kept on for a long long time. It is much easier to hide drinking when you are doing it alone. I also became terrified of a DUI. I knew I was hurting myself, but I did not want to hurt anybody else. Very sad to go through the memories, but it is needed to stay sober I think.

WaterOx

I remember back in my normal drinking days I had many of the usual standards.

"Don't drink alone" was one of those standards. I used to think that if you drank alone you had a serious problem and you were a "loser".

But you know what? I came to find out that wasn't true and I proved it! After all, if someone like me was doing it, it couldn't be such a bad thing

Fearlessat50

You are amazing, Feeeow! l. Thank you for posting this and making me feel like I was never alone. Yes, me too, to all of this. I mostly drank alone in the end. The worst was drinking on a conference call. Actually, I even remember drinking at the office. I’d have my water bottle full of Chardonnay sitting there at my desk while working away. Coworker would come in, sit down and chat it up with me, and I’d take sips of my Chardonnay water. How crazy! I thought I was fooling everyone. We can’t fool ourselves though.

Congrats and thank you!

brighterday1234

Hevyn

Oh, yes - everywhere - any time of day. Just kept pounding them down - but no one knew - I was armed with mints, eyedrops, perfume.
At the end of my drinking career it was always in my system. Otherwise, I'd shake or vomit. Good times.
Thank you for another brilliant & helpful post, FreeOwl.

Helianthus

I enjoyed reading your post FreeOwl, there's a lot that I can relate to in there. It's amazing what we can justify as "normal activity" just so that we can carry on drinking with less guilt.

Congratulations on your continued sober time, I'm glad you're here and thanks for sharing

listae

YES, thank you for posting FreeOwl.

I was a lonely drunk. I drank alone at the bar every night as a regular. My only support system were bartenders who would tell me what I wanted to hear because I would end up so drunk that I tipped heavily.

I drank alone because the people who really cared stopped drinking around me; they knew I had a problem. So, I hid it and drank as I pleased.

I drank alone because, when I threw up all over myself or on the floors in my house, no one would witness.

I drank alone because I was afraid to face reality. I was petrified to be on my own.

I drank alone because then I could wear the mask of not being an alcoholic.

Finally, twenty years of drinking alone left me alone and isolated. It's a terrible feeling to drink every night by yourself. It is the definition of misery.

Free2bme888

God

least

I usually drank alone. It was isolating then, hidden in the den, just drinking myself into a soggy mess.

Now that I'm sober, I'm still alone but don't feel alone. I am content with my own company and don't need to escape myself.

AwkwardKitty

Virtually all of my drinking is alone. I sit on the computer and drink until I pass out then wake up on the floor. I *only* drink once a week now (although 4 times this week, it always spirals quickly). I feel loney, looking from the outside in. I rarely drink in company so most people think i dont really drink which is an illusion i like to maintain. I dont want to drink socially as I cant lose control the way i do alone. Drinking isnt social or fun, i spend hours reminiscing about past traumas, or past happier times, feeling angry and sad. Its not somethig i even kid myself i do for fun anymore, its an obsession, i must drink. I can go a full 6 days most weeks but by the evening of the 7th im physically feeling the urge. I hate this life, I hate it so much. I need to be free.

listae

Thanks for sharing AwkwardKitty. I can completely relate. I feel like you're describing my life. My recurring memories of the past are my triggers too. But I've found that the more days in a row that I don't drink makes it much better. Keep sharing. We all understand.

Primativo

I used to feel so dreadful from the previous nights drinking, I'd hide a bottle of wine in my bag when I got to work. I'd sneak it in to the work toilets and hide it in the cupboard behind rolls of toilet tissue.

I'd then pop to the toilets every 20 minutes, drink some huge swigs from the bottle, and then put it back again. I remember looking at myself in the mirror as I did it, and I just thought, "how the **** did it come to this?".

What a dreadful existence it was. Of course, everyone knew what I was doing, which just makes it worse.