ReadyAtLast

My sister died last week unexpectedly. I am only 11 days sober and will be 15 days sober the day of the funeral. I have not had a drink despite the terrible week. I do not want to drink at the funeral. I am one of the people on SR who always tell people to say no and avoid events, put sobriety first and say no. However, I cannot NOT go to my sister's funeral.

I plan to have a good breakfast and after the church and crematorium go to where the funeral breakfast is. I will have sparkling water with me and my car outside with a large stash of water. I will drink sparking water from the bar inside and maybe a lemonade as a treat. I will eat upon arrival. I also have cigarettes in my bag to smoke outside or in the car. It sounds strange but if I smoke I do not want to drink although I'm not a regular smoker.

My family (siblings) are all heavy drinkers at such events. Irish Catholics. I know they will be saying oh don't be boring etc etc. That doesn't worry me as much as the want/overwhelming urge which may come upon me when I am there. I am trying to plan as much as possible. I will have my car outside and SR in my pocket.

I've compiled a list of reasons NOT to drink at the funeral and will keep reading all weekend and when there. I am determined.

1. I will feel bad about myself for being weak and giving in.
2. I will not sip the wine but gulp it down.
3. After 1 glass I will be merry and a bit sillly.
4. I will keep drinking more and more wine.
5. I will start slurring my words.
6. I will start talking loudly.
7. I will say inappropriate things and tell people what I really think of them.
8. I will embarrass myself (again)
9. I will embarrass my mother and make her ashamed of me. (again)
10. People will say oh here she goes again. She was always like this.
11. People I've not seen for years will see me make a fool of myself.
12. I will possibly fall over.
13. I will cause a row.
14. I will keep drinking more and more and possibly insult people.
15. My husband will be really angry with me.
16. My son will see me behave badly.
17. I won't sleep at all.
18. If I do sleep I will wake in the early hours with a banging headache, raging thirst, sickness and sweating.
19. The following day will be full of shame.
20, I will always be remembered as the person who ruined her sister's funeral.
21. I will throw away 2 weeks of sobriety.
22. I will have to come back here and tell you Ive failed.
23. I will have to join yet another class.
24. I might have a meltdown and drive away and get arrested put in prison or kill someone drinking and driving.
25. I will make a total and utter fool of myself,

So the above MIGHT not all happen. But they might.

One thing is for sure - if I don't drink then NONE of the above will happen.

Please God and SR help me get through and not drink.

please feel free to add any other things I've forgotten and if anyone has advice please help me. thank you

Jeni26

Another to add to your list....

I want to honour my sisters memory by being the best version of myself I can be.

Sorry you are going through this. You can absolutely face anything without a drink, you know that. Now you have to believe it.

Sending you love ❤️

Dee74

Hi RAL

I have faith in you and I believe that you can get through this sober.
The day is for remembering your sister and celebrating her life.

The AV is one lowdown SOB to make you even think about thinking about drinking.

Be there for others and let others be there for you


You will be sad - but thats ok - grief is sad and funerals can be too, Grief is a natural process...don't stymie that by drinking.

You can do this

D

ReadyAtLast

Thanks Jeni,
Ive just realised my list is all negatives. It's good to consider positives of remaining sober - looking at sobriety as a positive rather than a negative or missing out.
Thank you and I hope you are keeping well.

ReadyAtLast

Thanks Dee, I'm beating myself up again about how I threw all my sober time away and 2 years later still only in the second week.

Suzieq17

Be strong and don’t drink — do it for your sister. She would want you to live your best life. You can do this.

ReadyAtLast

Thank you Suzie. You're right, she would. She was the eldest. I am the youngest and she was always motherly towards me. she was so proud of me when I stopped drinking before and sure she'd be glad I've quit again.

SoberCAH

Well said.

And Happy Birthday tomorrow - 3 years rocks.

JustTony

I’ve never understood the concept that people believe in around “throwing away” the days/weeks/months/years that they were sober in the past? It’s not a continuous counting game. The liver doesn’t count days or collect chips at AA. The liver is just thankful for the rest as was the stomach, heart, mind, nervous system etc. Those days are never lost. The clock wasn’t wiped back to ‘nothing’ it was just paused.

I think it is the AV that tells the “thrown your sober days away” lie to keep the addict still drinking. Don’t listen to it RAL.

ReadyAtLast

I like the paused idea thank you. It's not thrown away of course it's still there, - it's 2 things:
1 - The difficulty I have in staying stopped now I've picked up again
2. the idea that if i had all that sober time then drank again how on earth can i stay stopped again.

Maybe the 2 things are the same or i'm just not explaining myself very well

JustTony

It’s just habits. Good habits. Bad habits. We need to break out of the latter and defend the former with our lives. But ultimately I believe the answer to your question(s) is ‘habits’.

Must sleep now

JT

Anna

So this is your reason to stay sober at the funeral and to honour your sister's memory. She will be very proud of you. I'm very sorry for your loss.

ReadyAtLast

Thank you for your kind words Anna.

LunaBlue

Rose7788

If you don’t drink at the funeral, you will look back and be so proud. Post here if you can and just plan for a short walk or deep breathing away from the situation if needed. Go in the WC or the lobby, a quiet place if needed.
Do you have sentimental memento of your sisters? Hold it. Hold it tight. I really hope you remain sober and I’m so sorry for your loss. This is life testing you. Hugs

Bonniefloyd

Hopeful528

I'm sorry for your loss and pain RAL. It is the hardest thing to lose a loved one.
What I know is, that grief and sadness can be really hard sometimes, but you either do it now, or its waiting for you later anyway.
Hugs and love to you and I'm very sorry for the loss of your sister.


Can you make a exit plan for after so many hours if you are not feeling well? Do you find relief from herbal calming teas or lavender oil or anything like that?

Zevin

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your list of reasons to not drink are perfect.
Lots of great advice from others here. I really like the idea of honoring your sister by staying sober. Can you share your concern with your husband? And leave early if necessary?
Prayers for you to stay strong. You can do this.
It's what your sister would want.
Z

Delilah1

Hi RAL,

I'm so glad you came here and posted. I lost my mom the day after Christmas, and the wake and funeral were very emotional. I cried a lot, i was extremely sad, and it was a very difficult few days, but I am so glad I allowed myself to feel everything I did sober.

I stayed at my mom's house, and my brother, who is an addict lives with her. He has struggled with drugs since he was a teenager, and he was using during the few days I was back for the funeral. I can share that some of the things he said out loud to family made me cringe. I couldn't leave fast enough the day after the funeral because he was making me crazy. His comments were thoughtless and self centered, I know I cannot say that is fully because he was under the influence, but it certainly contributed.

I'm still grieving, it's been a little over a month, and I feel like I just snapped out of a trance this week, but random thoughts still pop into my head daily.

You can do this sober, I know it is going to be an extremely difficult, and emotional few days. Allow yourself to cry, scream, be sad. I found escaping for a walk each day while I was back in NY was helpful, it allowed me to clear my head.

I celebrated three years of sobriety the day after her funeral, and I know she would be very proud of me for that.

Please know we are all here for you.

Sending my very deepest condolences for the loss of your sister, and lots of love your way.

❤️Delilah

least

I hope, for your sake, that you want to be sober more than you want to drink.