I didn't sign on for this, and letting go of anger
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I didn't sign on for this, and letting go of anger
We went to our second marriage counseling appointment on Monday. I really didn't want to go. But, we have to learn to communicate. We still have children at home and are living in the same house. So I went. It was ok.
We see my counselor because she is awesome and we both like her. In my individual sessions she always reminds me to be patient and kind to myself, and be patient with my RAH. In this session with both of us, she reminded me that it has only been a year for my RAH, and hes trying, that I should continue to be patient.
I am sick of hearing that. I heard it from people at his AA group, telling him hes right where he needs to be. I've heard it from family and friends (who I don't talk to about it for that reason) I've heard it from him. I've heard it from my counselor.
I've been patient. For many years, when I shouldn't have been. Im being (mostly) patient now while hes working on changing. But it makes me furious because I shouldn't have to be patient while he makes the changes he should have made a long time ago. I'm tired of teaching a 53 year old man how a healthy marriage works, what to do, how to do it, what to say and what not to say.
Yesterday, which was our 20th anniversary, I went over what the counselor told him.... when I tell you how I feel, dont just change the subject when Im done talking. That makes it seem like you didnt hear what I just said, or didnt care. We decided together that since he says he doesnt know what I want from him when I tell him how I feel, before I do that I will just tell him "I just need you to listen" or "I need ideas on what to do". Then he wont freeze up, scared because he doesn't know the right thing to say or do. When I married him I knew he would be blind one day. I was ok signing on for that. I didn't know a few years into our marriage he would start drinking and not stop. I would have never signed on for that.
Everyone is supportive of being patient with him, and it seems like I'm expected to just stay in the background, be supportive and keep my mouth shut.
Maybe I need to change my attitude. I am impressed that he is trying so hard. Except for his dry drunk stages where he acts like a real jerk, he bends over backwards trying to reverse the damage hes caused, rebuild the marriage and be a better dad. He asks what will make me happy, and then tries to do that. I sound like the dry drunk jerk when I see that in writing.
Maybe the problem is me. Im just so consumed with anger at alcoholics, mainly my mom and him, their selfishness, their escape from the stress of daily life, while we were left to not only face the stress of daily life, but the pain they caused on a daily basis.
I have some of my own issues, but the majority of the crap Im dealing with is the direct cause of their drinking. The PTSD is one of those things. Whenever I leave the house, Im on alert. Looking for people who might be drunk, getting nervous if a group of people are standing around talking and laughing. Why am I suffering for their choices?
I dont have much compassion for them. Why didn't they get help instead of being selfish and making sure they didn't feel any pain, while the rest of us did? Im holding on to a LOT of anger towards them. My whole personality has changed over the past three years. Im not a patient person anymore, I get angry and overwhelmed easily. Anger is consuming me.
Alcoholism has taken 49 years of my life. I want to take my life back, to be happy, to be in the present, to be able to see the good in my RAH and what he is doing to fix his past mistakes. My boys will be grown in 5 years. I want to enjoy the years I have left with them.
But, I cant let go of the anger. I have a feeling part of it is, anger is protecting me. He cant hurt me deeply ever again if I keep him at arms length, if I dont let him fully in. Realistically, he still can. Realistically, I can protect myself in other ways. Realistically, Im not trapped anymore.
It seems that forgiveness is a part of this too. I cant forgive them. No matter what I do, I cant. Or I wont? Forgiveness means accepting what was done, it doesn't mean you approve of what was done. I feel like if I can forgive them a lot of this anger will go away. So I start thinking about letting go of some of that anger, and I dont get 30 seconds into that before I symbolically say nope, not happening, and grab it back.
What am I doing wrong here? How did you let go of the anger? Or have you? If you haven't, why do you think you haven't? Are you working on it, or are you just letting it be? I want to get on with my life, alcoholism and anger have taken enough from me. Im just done with all of it, Im sick of thinking about it and dealing with it and have it be such a big part of our lives. Still.
We see my counselor because she is awesome and we both like her. In my individual sessions she always reminds me to be patient and kind to myself, and be patient with my RAH. In this session with both of us, she reminded me that it has only been a year for my RAH, and hes trying, that I should continue to be patient.
I am sick of hearing that. I heard it from people at his AA group, telling him hes right where he needs to be. I've heard it from family and friends (who I don't talk to about it for that reason) I've heard it from him. I've heard it from my counselor.
I've been patient. For many years, when I shouldn't have been. Im being (mostly) patient now while hes working on changing. But it makes me furious because I shouldn't have to be patient while he makes the changes he should have made a long time ago. I'm tired of teaching a 53 year old man how a healthy marriage works, what to do, how to do it, what to say and what not to say.
Yesterday, which was our 20th anniversary, I went over what the counselor told him.... when I tell you how I feel, dont just change the subject when Im done talking. That makes it seem like you didnt hear what I just said, or didnt care. We decided together that since he says he doesnt know what I want from him when I tell him how I feel, before I do that I will just tell him "I just need you to listen" or "I need ideas on what to do". Then he wont freeze up, scared because he doesn't know the right thing to say or do. When I married him I knew he would be blind one day. I was ok signing on for that. I didn't know a few years into our marriage he would start drinking and not stop. I would have never signed on for that.
Everyone is supportive of being patient with him, and it seems like I'm expected to just stay in the background, be supportive and keep my mouth shut.
Maybe I need to change my attitude. I am impressed that he is trying so hard. Except for his dry drunk stages where he acts like a real jerk, he bends over backwards trying to reverse the damage hes caused, rebuild the marriage and be a better dad. He asks what will make me happy, and then tries to do that. I sound like the dry drunk jerk when I see that in writing.
Maybe the problem is me. Im just so consumed with anger at alcoholics, mainly my mom and him, their selfishness, their escape from the stress of daily life, while we were left to not only face the stress of daily life, but the pain they caused on a daily basis.
I have some of my own issues, but the majority of the crap Im dealing with is the direct cause of their drinking. The PTSD is one of those things. Whenever I leave the house, Im on alert. Looking for people who might be drunk, getting nervous if a group of people are standing around talking and laughing. Why am I suffering for their choices?
I dont have much compassion for them. Why didn't they get help instead of being selfish and making sure they didn't feel any pain, while the rest of us did? Im holding on to a LOT of anger towards them. My whole personality has changed over the past three years. Im not a patient person anymore, I get angry and overwhelmed easily. Anger is consuming me.
Alcoholism has taken 49 years of my life. I want to take my life back, to be happy, to be in the present, to be able to see the good in my RAH and what he is doing to fix his past mistakes. My boys will be grown in 5 years. I want to enjoy the years I have left with them.
But, I cant let go of the anger. I have a feeling part of it is, anger is protecting me. He cant hurt me deeply ever again if I keep him at arms length, if I dont let him fully in. Realistically, he still can. Realistically, I can protect myself in other ways. Realistically, Im not trapped anymore.
It seems that forgiveness is a part of this too. I cant forgive them. No matter what I do, I cant. Or I wont? Forgiveness means accepting what was done, it doesn't mean you approve of what was done. I feel like if I can forgive them a lot of this anger will go away. So I start thinking about letting go of some of that anger, and I dont get 30 seconds into that before I symbolically say nope, not happening, and grab it back.
What am I doing wrong here? How did you let go of the anger? Or have you? If you haven't, why do you think you haven't? Are you working on it, or are you just letting it be? I want to get on with my life, alcoholism and anger have taken enough from me. Im just done with all of it, Im sick of thinking about it and dealing with it and have it be such a big part of our lives. Still.
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Wamama, it sounds to me like the people telling you to be patient are working from the assumption that you are committed to staying in the marriage and working on the relationship. But your post says differently. I hear that you are done with the relationship, but have decided to stay for logistical reasons.
There is nothing wrong with that choice. But you have to be honest with yourself. The truth will out eventually whether you want it to or not, and if you want to find a path to peace—whether you stay or go—embracing your truth will be the key to uncovering it.
Most importantly, accepting that no other person—not your husband or your counselor—is going to fix what is going on with you. Only you can do that.
There is nothing wrong with that choice. But you have to be honest with yourself. The truth will out eventually whether you want it to or not, and if you want to find a path to peace—whether you stay or go—embracing your truth will be the key to uncovering it.
Most importantly, accepting that no other person—not your husband or your counselor—is going to fix what is going on with you. Only you can do that.
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Your anger is not protecting you. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. Once you feel indifference, then you'll be protected. For now you are still trapped by your emotions. Forgiveness free's you. Forgiveness is not for him - it's for you. I watched my mom become a bitter woman, constantly reliving and repeating all of the harm my dad had done to her while married. I vowed never to be that way. And so, although I could easily go into a fit of rage thinking about all of the harm that has been done to me in my life, I instead choose to forget it. Instead, I look to my future, which I know can be better. You too can stop looking at the past injustices and save your energy to work on the future.
"The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you've come"
"The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you've come"
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((Hugs))
im so sorry that you are going through this. I don't understand as a wife at this point, but I kinda do as a daughter. I simply forgave because I believed that was the best he could do at the time. It wasn't about me, but about him.
I wouid also be so frustrated having all the attention thrown on the addict. It's like people expecting you to tip toe around yet again.
im so sorry that you are going through this. I don't understand as a wife at this point, but I kinda do as a daughter. I simply forgave because I believed that was the best he could do at the time. It wasn't about me, but about him.
I wouid also be so frustrated having all the attention thrown on the addict. It's like people expecting you to tip toe around yet again.
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Originally Posted by sotired77 
Your anger is not protecting you. The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. Once you feel indifference, then you'll be protected. For now you are still trapped by your emotions. Forgiveness free's you. Forgiveness is not for him - it's for you. I watched my mom become a bitter woman, constantly reliving and repeating all of the harm my dad had done to her while married. I vowed never to be that way. And so, although I could easily go into a fit of rage thinking about all of the harm that has been done to me in my life, I instead choose to forget it. Instead, I look to my future, which I know can be better. You too can stop looking at the past injustices and save your energy to work on the future.
"The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you've come"
"The only time you should ever look back is to see how far you've come"
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I think that telling someone in a situation like yours that you have to be patient is one of the most unhelpful things it is possible to say. The problem here is not you or your lack of patience. Your husband is doing what he's doing because he's an alcoholic with no life skills, not because he has an impatient wife. I get that he is making an attempt at recovery and that's good for him, but it doesn't mean that you have to be endlessly "supportive".
I have heard the term "recruiting for Team Alcoholic" used to refer to the alcoholic's (or other people's) attempts to get people around the alcoholic invested in his or her recovery - in the form of being endlessly patient and forgiving and supportive and cheering him or her on (and being admonished when we aren't being endlessly supportive etc). I don't think you need to be on Team Alcoholic. He can recover or not recover, you have no responsibility either way.
I get what you're saying about trying to find a way to deal with anger so you don't end up bitter like your mother. I totally agree, but I don't have any great idea about how to do it.
I have heard the term "recruiting for Team Alcoholic" used to refer to the alcoholic's (or other people's) attempts to get people around the alcoholic invested in his or her recovery - in the form of being endlessly patient and forgiving and supportive and cheering him or her on (and being admonished when we aren't being endlessly supportive etc). I don't think you need to be on Team Alcoholic. He can recover or not recover, you have no responsibility either way.
I get what you're saying about trying to find a way to deal with anger so you don't end up bitter like your mother. I totally agree, but I don't have any great idea about how to do it.
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Originally Posted by Wamama48
I want to get on with my life, alcoholism and anger have taken enough from me. Im just done with all of it, Im sick of thinking about it and dealing with it and have it be such a big part of our lives. Still.
The first is about the "patience" thing. I thought, what an annoying response that must be. Then I thought, but to say that they must be thinking/knowing that Wamama wants to stay with her Husband so of course that is the response (as Sparklekitty mentions).
It is part of the solution, if you want to stay with him you are going to have to be patient while he progress, learns, stumbles etc.
Now what they don't say is - be patient or get out of there before it drives you crazy. They don't say that because you haven't indicated to them that is an option for you (it is). If you did their response might be quite different.
Forgiveness doesn't mean accepting what was done - it means accepting it was done. That doesn't have a tag on it that says it was ok or "acceptable". Just means you cannot change it. Also doesn't mean, just because you say ok that happened and I can't change it that you have to agree to continue on being surrounded by the people that hurt you.
Maybe you just can't or maybe you just don't want to, both those things are ok, no need to feel guilty or kick yourself about it. People leave marriages all the time because they are not compatible with the person any longer for a myriad of reasons, most do not leave without it weighing heavy but they make that decision. No use sitting on the fence suffering, you need to be all in - or not.
Right now it doesn't sound like you are (and that's ok) only you can make the decision to stay or go but I really recommend you do make it because:
Anger is consuming me.
Some things can't be "fixed" that's ok, no one expects you to be the saintly fixer of all things, if you can't or you just don't want to, that's ok.
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I just wanted to add something because I realize my - might be better off if you separated thing was not well - stated.
The thing is, that basement area could become your home perhaps (or his?) for the time being (while being clear that you are separated, if that it your choice). Do you have everything you need down there, barring a kitchen?
Also, the $100.00 a month your Dad offered to help you find accommodation, I would call him back and say thanks Dad, here is the bank acct to send it to / email address to transfer it to. You may not be able to move right now, doesn't mean you can't save the money should you finally need to get right away, or make improvements on the basement area.
The Uncle's place by the barn, would he consider having your Husband move in there, even temporarily? Perhaps for six months or a year? His opinion of who should and shouldn't live with an alcoholic is just noise really, perhaps if he hears that your Husband needs time to heal, he will be more open to the idea. Is there anyone that can help you with your Son if he does? Are there any (temporary, quick acting) medications you could use if you do end up living alone with the kids?
Anyway, just throwing some ideas out there, which you may have already thought of.
The thing is, that basement area could become your home perhaps (or his?) for the time being (while being clear that you are separated, if that it your choice). Do you have everything you need down there, barring a kitchen?
Also, the $100.00 a month your Dad offered to help you find accommodation, I would call him back and say thanks Dad, here is the bank acct to send it to / email address to transfer it to. You may not be able to move right now, doesn't mean you can't save the money should you finally need to get right away, or make improvements on the basement area.
The Uncle's place by the barn, would he consider having your Husband move in there, even temporarily? Perhaps for six months or a year? His opinion of who should and shouldn't live with an alcoholic is just noise really, perhaps if he hears that your Husband needs time to heal, he will be more open to the idea. Is there anyone that can help you with your Son if he does? Are there any (temporary, quick acting) medications you could use if you do end up living alone with the kids?
Anyway, just throwing some ideas out there, which you may have already thought of.
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As Sotired said, indifference is the key to coping. I found that when l put the focus on myself and my own health and well being and 'left him to get on with whatever' l began to detach and become indifferent. He is his own responsibility. I tried to see it that way, pretty black and white, with an invisible line drawn between his life and mine when it comes to his drinking. This doesn't mean that l don't communicate with my AH, just that l am protecting my emotions by thinking lm not responsible for his drinking or recovery or whatever. I have to look after me...he has to look after him.
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I do love him, I do want to be married to him, I do genuinely believe he will be able to be an equal partner. In a year, or two, longer?. The rub is, I'm ticked to even be put in this position. All the crap that's been done in the past, I have been able to let that go. I really don't think much anymore about the things he did and said when he was drinking.
Then good old expectations jump in. I expected we would be further advanced in our marriage by now. Like I wouldn't be teaching him things still. I wouldn't have to wonder if he can handle me sharing how I'm feeling one day, and him slipping into his evil mood and I'm left out in the cold the next day. Some days he can handle whatever is thrown at him, some days he's totally checked out. You can't have a healthy relationship if you aren't sure your partner will be there for you. Trust is vital. I shouldn't have to wait for him to be able to be a husband. I resent that.
If it wasn't for that, I would be fine continuing in the marriage. But if I can't let go of the general anger that he did this, and I am still paying the price every minute of everyday, for what they did, it won't work.
He is doing everything he possibly can to right the wrongs. I have to do everything I possibly can before I can feel ok about calling it quits. I want to let go of this anger first and foremost for ME. I want to be happy and at peace and enjoy life. Secondary to that is, I do want to stay married to him. But, it's not going to work if I can't let it go and move forward.
To be honest, I'm scared I might be done. I don't want to be. He's an all around good man that's made some serious mistakes in the past. He is giving it his all to try to fix that. And I'm scared it's too late, and that I can't let go of some things to be able to meet him in the middle.
Then good old expectations jump in. I expected we would be further advanced in our marriage by now. Like I wouldn't be teaching him things still. I wouldn't have to wonder if he can handle me sharing how I'm feeling one day, and him slipping into his evil mood and I'm left out in the cold the next day. Some days he can handle whatever is thrown at him, some days he's totally checked out. You can't have a healthy relationship if you aren't sure your partner will be there for you. Trust is vital. I shouldn't have to wait for him to be able to be a husband. I resent that.
If it wasn't for that, I would be fine continuing in the marriage. But if I can't let go of the general anger that he did this, and I am still paying the price every minute of everyday, for what they did, it won't work.
He is doing everything he possibly can to right the wrongs. I have to do everything I possibly can before I can feel ok about calling it quits. I want to let go of this anger first and foremost for ME. I want to be happy and at peace and enjoy life. Secondary to that is, I do want to stay married to him. But, it's not going to work if I can't let it go and move forward.
To be honest, I'm scared I might be done. I don't want to be. He's an all around good man that's made some serious mistakes in the past. He is giving it his all to try to fix that. And I'm scared it's too late, and that I can't let go of some things to be able to meet him in the middle.
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Originally Posted by trailmix
I just wanted to add something because I realize my - might be better off if you separated thing was not well - stated.
The thing is, that basement area could become your home perhaps (or his?) for the time being (while being clear that you are separated, if that it your choice). Do you have everything you need down there, barring a kitchen?
Also, the $100.00 a month your Dad offered to help you find accommodation, I would call him back and say thanks Dad, here is the bank acct to send it to / email address to transfer it to. You may not be able to move right now, doesn't mean you can't save the money should you finally need to get right away, or make improvements on the basement area.
The Uncle's place by the barn, would he consider having your Husband move in there, even temporarily? Perhaps for six months or a year? His opinion of who should and shouldn't live with an alcoholic is just noise really, perhaps if he hears that your Husband needs time to heal, he will be more open to the idea. Is there anyone that can help you with your Son if he does? Are there any (temporary, quick acting) medications you could use if you do end up living alone with the kids?
Anyway, just throwing some ideas out there, which you may have already thought of.
The thing is, that basement area could become your home perhaps (or his?) for the time being (while being clear that you are separated, if that it your choice). Do you have everything you need down there, barring a kitchen?
Also, the $100.00 a month your Dad offered to help you find accommodation, I would call him back and say thanks Dad, here is the bank acct to send it to / email address to transfer it to. You may not be able to move right now, doesn't mean you can't save the money should you finally need to get right away, or make improvements on the basement area.
The Uncle's place by the barn, would he consider having your Husband move in there, even temporarily? Perhaps for six months or a year? His opinion of who should and shouldn't live with an alcoholic is just noise really, perhaps if he hears that your Husband needs time to heal, he will be more open to the idea. Is there anyone that can help you with your Son if he does? Are there any (temporary, quick acting) medications you could use if you do end up living alone with the kids?
Anyway, just throwing some ideas out there, which you may have already thought of.
I think no matter what happens my son will do ok for the most part. He seems to have matured emotionally and is able to keep himself in check. He's able to talk about what's upsetting him now, instead of repeating the same phrase over and over like he did in the past. Yes, we do have an instant dissolve medication to help him calm down if needed.
For now, I'm stuck here. I don't have everything I need in my room downstairs. The kitchen, bathroom and my separate bedroom are upstairs. I'm just going to have to figure out a way to totally detach from him.
I keep getting sucked back in because I miss hugging him, eating dinner with him, listening to him talk excitingly about his garden etc. So I guess anger serves a purpose for me. If I'm mad at him, I don't want anything to do with him. I'm able to keep that wall up, and I don't get sucked back in like I am right now.
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Wama, I think both trailmix and Sparkle made some great points. I especially liked "Forgiveness doesn't mean accepting what was done - it means accepting it was done." That's a keeper and went into my "Wisdom of SR" folder.
You said
and I get that. I loved and still love XAH too. I wanted to be married to him until I finally accepted that continuing to be legally tied to him was a ticking time bomb in terms of what I might end up being responsible for legally and financially. I finally decided I wasn't willing to sacrifice everything I'd worked for b/c of ongoing bad decisions on his part.
I do understand that your A is making what sounds like a good honest effort. That was never the case with mine, so we are on different ground in that very important area.
This resonated with me tremendously too:
Anger is my go-to emotion too, and it serves a similar purpose for me. If I’m angry, I can avoid feeling hurt, sad, betrayed, confused, and a whole host of other feelings. Plus anger keeps the focus on the other person and lets me avoid looking at myself—what is my part in this? What do I really want? What will I do to get what I want? Why or why not?
I’m seeing a disconnect between “I love him and want to be married to him” and “You can't have a healthy relationship if you aren't sure your partner will be there for you. Trust is vital. I shouldn't have to wait for him to be able to be a husband. I resent that.” I wonder if this might be at least in part about FOG—fear, obligation, guilt? I think a lot of us have been in that place where our A either is, or at least seems to be, making an effort and doing what we thought we wanted, but we’re still not happy. Now we feel even MORE trapped, b/c he’s doing what we asked and how could we leave NOW? I certainly struggled with this at some points, although when I found out all his “efforts” were fake, I had a clear path to leave that obligation and guilt behind.
Logistics are not a small thing, and I know you have at least one child involved, so there is that. But I also don’t know that detachment is really ever a long-term solution. If you have options, which it sounds like you do, it might make sense to try something different. Where you are now doesn’t seem healthy for anyone involved and doesn’t seem to be working all that well. Making a change—ANY change—might bring clarity and peace that you didn’t expect.
You said
I do love him, I do want to be married to him
I do understand that your A is making what sounds like a good honest effort. That was never the case with mine, so we are on different ground in that very important area.
This resonated with me tremendously too:
I guess anger serves a purpose for me. If I'm mad at him, I don't want anything to do with him. I'm able to keep that wall up, and I don't get sucked back in like I am right now.
I’m seeing a disconnect between “I love him and want to be married to him” and “You can't have a healthy relationship if you aren't sure your partner will be there for you. Trust is vital. I shouldn't have to wait for him to be able to be a husband. I resent that.” I wonder if this might be at least in part about FOG—fear, obligation, guilt? I think a lot of us have been in that place where our A either is, or at least seems to be, making an effort and doing what we thought we wanted, but we’re still not happy. Now we feel even MORE trapped, b/c he’s doing what we asked and how could we leave NOW? I certainly struggled with this at some points, although when I found out all his “efforts” were fake, I had a clear path to leave that obligation and guilt behind.
Logistics are not a small thing, and I know you have at least one child involved, so there is that. But I also don’t know that detachment is really ever a long-term solution. If you have options, which it sounds like you do, it might make sense to try something different. Where you are now doesn’t seem healthy for anyone involved and doesn’t seem to be working all that well. Making a change—ANY change—might bring clarity and peace that you didn’t expect.
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I agree with everything everyone has said. I was angry for a long time until I became indifferent. From time to time, I still feel angry even though I have nothing to do with my exAH anymore. It's because there were parts of him that I still do love (but then, the person he is today is an "evil" stranger. When I think of my ex-husband the addict, I think of him as someone who murdered my "real" husband).
Anger always comes from righteousness. People get angry because they expect the world to be a way it isn't... and the only way you can expect a person to be the way they are not and feel so strongly about it is... well, let's put it this way, love is a big part of it. Lots of people say, oh it's because of control. Actually, when you are trying in vain to build a life with someone who can't build a life with you, it's about love. You love someone who can't love you the way you deserve to be loved -- sometimes this comes from your FOO. If you were indifferent, you wouldn't love them.
Being an ACOA is so complicated. If you got into this relationship before you sought recovery for yourself, it may be that now that you are healthier, the relationship no longer has any purpose anymore... even if you still love him. Are you angry that you still love him? Are you feeling fear, guilt, or obligation to stay with him -- are you angry because you want to leave him but feel trapped?
Personally, I wish I had smacked myself in the face 10 years ago and then I would not have wasted my time. What do you want to do with the time remaining? Do you want to keep going to couples counseling? Or do you need a break... albeit in the basement (maybe call it the "woman-cave").
Anger always comes from righteousness. People get angry because they expect the world to be a way it isn't... and the only way you can expect a person to be the way they are not and feel so strongly about it is... well, let's put it this way, love is a big part of it. Lots of people say, oh it's because of control. Actually, when you are trying in vain to build a life with someone who can't build a life with you, it's about love. You love someone who can't love you the way you deserve to be loved -- sometimes this comes from your FOO. If you were indifferent, you wouldn't love them.
Being an ACOA is so complicated. If you got into this relationship before you sought recovery for yourself, it may be that now that you are healthier, the relationship no longer has any purpose anymore... even if you still love him. Are you angry that you still love him? Are you feeling fear, guilt, or obligation to stay with him -- are you angry because you want to leave him but feel trapped?
Personally, I wish I had smacked myself in the face 10 years ago and then I would not have wasted my time. What do you want to do with the time remaining? Do you want to keep going to couples counseling? Or do you need a break... albeit in the basement (maybe call it the "woman-cave").
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
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Originally Posted by Wamama48
I keep getting sucked back in because I miss hugging him, eating dinner with him, listening to him talk excitingly about his garden etc. So I guess anger serves a purpose for me. If I'm mad at him, I don't want anything to do with him. I'm able to keep that wall up, and I don't get sucked back in like I am right now.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Wamma, my heart truly goes out to you.
I get that anger. Red hot, pure anger. I too don't have much empathy for addiction. Where is the focus on the family of those addicts?
That aside, I have to agree with what someone said above. Maybe you are at a place that you cannot get past this because you are still with him. Sometimes it's just...too late.
I am able to feel that indifference towards my XAH most of the time. However, I have my own home, my own peace. I am not exposed to the person who has hurt me the most...over and over. Maybe that is just too much for your mind to take. And that is totally OK.
You are right, you did not sign up for this, and you don't have to just accept being in a marriage that you are not happy in just because he has decided now to be sober. That's great for him, but you are still not happy. That is where your focus should be. You only live once, so take good care of yourself!
Huge hugs friend!
I get that anger. Red hot, pure anger. I too don't have much empathy for addiction. Where is the focus on the family of those addicts?
That aside, I have to agree with what someone said above. Maybe you are at a place that you cannot get past this because you are still with him. Sometimes it's just...too late.
I am able to feel that indifference towards my XAH most of the time. However, I have my own home, my own peace. I am not exposed to the person who has hurt me the most...over and over. Maybe that is just too much for your mind to take. And that is totally OK.
You are right, you did not sign up for this, and you don't have to just accept being in a marriage that you are not happy in just because he has decided now to be sober. That's great for him, but you are still not happy. That is where your focus should be. You only live once, so take good care of yourself!
Huge hugs friend!
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Location: The Beach
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*hug* Wamama
I think I understand your anger, and it sounds like you do to. You are using it as a self defense mechanism.
Anger is a secondary emotion, it is a reaction to primary emotions like fear, sadness, pain. You, like all of us here, have had more then our fair shares of fear, sadness and pain. I still get angry at my AXH and we've been apart for years. I now recognize when this happens that I am protecting myself from the residual pain.
I've had to face those primary feelings of mine and work my way through them, it's taken me places I didn't expect it would. Certainly led me to dissect my upbringing and my own parenting. It hasn't been a comfortable path. Cycles of sadness and pain for sure. But as I figure out the roots of the issues it does alleviate the anger. I am definitely not as angry as I was last year, and far less angry then I was for years before that. As the pain fades so does the anger. It has been a process, one I am still working on and through.
Healing takes time, and it takes as long as it takes. I know that is frustrating. I'm frustrated with it too. And I think it's that frustration that feeds some of our anger. Just being aware of that connection helps me handle it.
I know my words haven't offered you any relief from what you are feeling, but I did want you to know I understand and empathize. *hug*
I think I understand your anger, and it sounds like you do to. You are using it as a self defense mechanism.
Anger is a secondary emotion, it is a reaction to primary emotions like fear, sadness, pain. You, like all of us here, have had more then our fair shares of fear, sadness and pain. I still get angry at my AXH and we've been apart for years. I now recognize when this happens that I am protecting myself from the residual pain.
I've had to face those primary feelings of mine and work my way through them, it's taken me places I didn't expect it would. Certainly led me to dissect my upbringing and my own parenting. It hasn't been a comfortable path. Cycles of sadness and pain for sure. But as I figure out the roots of the issues it does alleviate the anger. I am definitely not as angry as I was last year, and far less angry then I was for years before that. As the pain fades so does the anger. It has been a process, one I am still working on and through.
Healing takes time, and it takes as long as it takes. I know that is frustrating. I'm frustrated with it too. And I think it's that frustration that feeds some of our anger. Just being aware of that connection helps me handle it.
I know my words haven't offered you any relief from what you are feeling, but I did want you to know I understand and empathize. *hug*
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Location: Florida
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It's so complicated Wamama. I interpret your shares to mean there are a LOT of layers of hurt that you haven't fully separated just yet - although you've made tremendous strides in your recovery. I agree with so many points already shared so I'll try not to repeat.
Anger, for me, is almost 100% irrevocably tied to Fear. Fear of my next steps, fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of change.... fear of everything. I recently heard a podcast host say , "fear is harder to identify because it's like a Scooby doo villain - wearing a cheap pair of plastic sunglasses with a fake nose & mustache attached to it so you think it's something else.... something like anger."
Let me ask you - are you where YOU thought you would be in your own recovery right now? Are there things you thought you'd have a better handle on "by this point" as well?
Anger, for me, is almost 100% irrevocably tied to Fear. Fear of my next steps, fear of rejection, fear of success, fear of change.... fear of everything. I recently heard a podcast host say , "fear is harder to identify because it's like a Scooby doo villain - wearing a cheap pair of plastic sunglasses with a fake nose & mustache attached to it so you think it's something else.... something like anger."
Let me ask you - are you where YOU thought you would be in your own recovery right now? Are there things you thought you'd have a better handle on "by this point" as well?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,618
Originally Posted by Wamama48
I have some of my own issues, but the majority of the crap Im dealing with is the direct cause of their drinking. The PTSD is one of those things.
There is nothing "post" about your stress disorder Wamama. You are still living it. You are living in the same house with one of the people that contributed to it.
There is information on "ongoing" stress disorder and if you google it you might find information that resonates with you.
You know what. Being brave and loving someone despite them hurting you takes courage and that's commendable. I think it's important to keep in mind that every time you sacrifice your own well-being for another, on this type of scale, you pay for it. You pay for it in your peace of mind and in many ways you pay in ways that you will never get back.
Once trust is broken that is something you will carry with you, I don't believe it will ever truly be mended. They take away some of our ability to be vulnerable and share ourselves. That's sad.
Honestly, Ophelia mentioned part of your post made her cry, it makes me want to cry too.
Perhaps it's time to simplify, to go back to square one. You have been in this storm for so long perhaps it's hard to see your way clear in any way. You are so busy coping, can you even see a way clear?
I hear a LOT of guilt in your post.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
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Wow. So much insight from all of you. I'm overwhelmed with the amount of support from everyone, thank you! There are so many good points, so much to think about, I'm overwhelmed. I need to do a lot of thinking on the various points made that hit close to home.
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