Finally terminated mom
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Finally terminated mom
This decision has been weighing so heavily on my heart and my mind... I have been the master enabler to my mom by employing her for a job that is not needed. Instead of rising to the occasion and utilizing her full potential and using this opportunity as a catapult to better her life and her future, she has used all this free time to engage in her favorite activity. "Drinking". This has gone on for almost 5 years. Long story.
I've finally given her until the end of February. My heart is heavy and I'm so worried about her fate. I will no longer be a part of her survival. Sink or swim. However, I did receive a small inheritance recently (10k) and I'm thinking of giving it to her. She has not a dime saved... I will still pay for her health care and cell phone. "sigh"
I have a son going off to college and I need every red cent I can get to pay for that. Plus it just isn't right that I have been put in this situation. I'm done.
I'm working on my own sober life and it is a wonderful place to be. I cannot allow her affliction to bring me down any longer.
I've finally given her until the end of February. My heart is heavy and I'm so worried about her fate. I will no longer be a part of her survival. Sink or swim. However, I did receive a small inheritance recently (10k) and I'm thinking of giving it to her. She has not a dime saved... I will still pay for her health care and cell phone. "sigh"
I have a son going off to college and I need every red cent I can get to pay for that. Plus it just isn't right that I have been put in this situation. I'm done.
I'm working on my own sober life and it is a wonderful place to be. I cannot allow her affliction to bring me down any longer.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Stockport/Greater Manchester/Cheshire
Posts: 911
Don’t give her the money.
You have gone above and beyond to help her.
Money won’t help her but it will help your son and you.
I don’t say this nastily.
I say it as ‘it is what it is ‘
You have to look after you and your son.
Nobody can look after alcoholism only the person it is afflicting.
And business is business it’s nothing personal.
Good luck
You have gone above and beyond to help her.
Money won’t help her but it will help your son and you.
I don’t say this nastily.
I say it as ‘it is what it is ‘
You have to look after you and your son.
Nobody can look after alcoholism only the person it is afflicting.
And business is business it’s nothing personal.
Good luck
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you GAVE her a job for five years...........how'd that work out?
do NOT give away your inheritance $$ to someone who will just drink themselves to death with it.
put it in interest bearing savings or a CD.
do NOT give away your inheritance $$ to someone who will just drink themselves to death with it.
put it in interest bearing savings or a CD.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
I'm glad you finally addressed this, it's a terrible situation to be in.
I agree about the money. I'm sure your intentions are great but that type of enabling might just enable her to drink herself to death.
What would you think if someone told you this story:
There is a woman who is a severe alcoholic. She just lost her job with her family as she was not really doing a job. Now she is unemployed and the Daughter has given her 10 thousand dollars in cash.
What she does with the money is not your problem, of course, but I would seriously think about this. It is enabling absolutely and I'm sure you don't actually want to hurt her.
I agree about the money. I'm sure your intentions are great but that type of enabling might just enable her to drink herself to death.
What would you think if someone told you this story:
There is a woman who is a severe alcoholic. She just lost her job with her family as she was not really doing a job. Now she is unemployed and the Daughter has given her 10 thousand dollars in cash.
What she does with the money is not your problem, of course, but I would seriously think about this. It is enabling absolutely and I'm sure you don't actually want to hurt her.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 1,533
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
you GAVE her a job for five years...........how'd that work out?
do NOT give away your inheritance $$ to someone who will just drink themselves to death with it.
put it in interest bearing savings or a CD.
do NOT give away your inheritance $$ to someone who will just drink themselves to death with it.
put it in interest bearing savings or a CD.
You are all right... I'm not giving it to her. It is rightfully mine, and the only thing my father ever gave to me... It should be mine to nestegg for "MY" future. xoxox
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: ohio
Posts: 3,615
Keeping the money is not just the smart choice. It might not look this way now, but it’s also the COMPASSIONATE choice.
Please trust everyone on this.
When I was a child, my parents decided to divorce. A few months later, my mom died very suddenly. Drugs. We had no idea how she’d gotten so much.
Years later, when I was an adult, my dad asked me in all earnestness “how much drugs will $50,000 buy?”
He didn’t want to tell me before, but mom had used up their life savings. And it killed her.
I can tell you as an alcoholic myself, if someone handed me money back when I drank, I would see it as a wonderful godsend. To nurture my drinking. Sure, I’d think of all the things I SHOULD do with it: work on car, pay off debt, set aside in savings... but I guarantee you once I got the money I’d drink it.
Please trust everyone on this.
When I was a child, my parents decided to divorce. A few months later, my mom died very suddenly. Drugs. We had no idea how she’d gotten so much.
Years later, when I was an adult, my dad asked me in all earnestness “how much drugs will $50,000 buy?”
He didn’t want to tell me before, but mom had used up their life savings. And it killed her.
I can tell you as an alcoholic myself, if someone handed me money back when I drank, I would see it as a wonderful godsend. To nurture my drinking. Sure, I’d think of all the things I SHOULD do with it: work on car, pay off debt, set aside in savings... but I guarantee you once I got the money I’d drink it.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Sorry cross posted.
You have done so much for her, which in many ways is admirable.
Unfortunately, nothing you do for her will get her sober. She has to determine she has a problem, and decide to recover.
I wish you and your son hope and healing.
You have done so much for her, which in many ways is admirable.
Unfortunately, nothing you do for her will get her sober. She has to determine she has a problem, and decide to recover.
I wish you and your son hope and healing.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
If you and the kids need the cash for their college DO NOT give her the money;she's just gonna 'dlck it away'..my exAgf was horrible with in-hand cash(like it was play money) and drinking/gambling(not saying your mom's a gambler,but..drunks gamble with every day/drink..ect..)....On the other hand.. **IF** you think she'll use that $10K under the strict premise that "that's it!" and You're done after the check clears(I'd seperate phone plans and insurance too)"..you may feel better just giving it to her and 'washing your hands' before it could cost you more,again..if it's affordable for you..very tricky situation.
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Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Stockport/Greater Manchester/Cheshire
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
If you and the kids need the cash for their college DO NOT give her the money;she's just gonna 'dlck it away'..my exAgf was horrible with in-hand cash(like it was play money) and drinking/gambling(not saying your mom's a gambler,but..drunks gamble with every day/drink..ect..)....On the other hand.. **IF** you think she'll use that $10K under the strict premise that "that's it!(I'd seperate phone plans and insurance too)"..you may feel better just giving it to her and 'washing your hands' before it could cost you more..very tricky situation.
All due respect, the washing your hands bit by giving money isn’t necessary.
No disrespect intended
If I was to spend my inheritance in these circumstances it would be on a rehab facility if she agreed. Or some other way of helping in a healthy way.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
Originally Posted by Snowydelrico
Don’t mean to but in, but don’t you think the line has already been crossed.
All due respect, the washing your hands bit by giving money isn’t necessary.
No disrespect intended
All due respect, the washing your hands bit by giving money isn’t necessary.
No disrespect intended
Edit: Obviously current financials would come into play here.
Double edit: I agree the $10k would be best spent on rehab. However..If I was going to pay for rehab I'd rather give my mother that money and let her decide what she wanted to do. If she's not wanting to stop drinking rehab would be a waste and then when she's out/drinking again..rinse/repeat. Thus the "wash your hands",which it seems Op's at now.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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It's really galling to give someone money that you could use, and then watch them waste in (in your eyes). Although I've helped family members with small sums it was for buying a house, or education. That feels good.
If you can help your son with the money for college at least you're investing in the future.
I'm glad you finally made the hard decision about the job.
If you can help your son with the money for college at least you're investing in the future.
I'm glad you finally made the hard decision about the job.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,546
You can take this for what it's worth.
I had a younger friend who was not making much money, moving to a new apartment. I knew he wanted a vacuum cleaner, and remembered how hard it was to keep things clean without one. I was almost at the point of gifting him with one (not a miele or a Rainbow, an inexpensive vacuum) Then I thought about it harder. He had parents. More important, he had himself. I realized that doing that for him would be just like saying, "You don't have the ability to provide for yourself." I held back.
Couple years later, he was applying for a much better job, and asked for a reference for me. (makes way more than me, now!) Made me feel good to see how he'd managed everything.
Your son could use the$10,000 for college. Your Mom will be able to collect some unemployment, it she's been with you for five years.
Don't underestimate the power of self-fulfilling prophesies. If everyone tells her she's incompetent, she's apt to buy into it. She may be, but it's well past time to find out.
I had a younger friend who was not making much money, moving to a new apartment. I knew he wanted a vacuum cleaner, and remembered how hard it was to keep things clean without one. I was almost at the point of gifting him with one (not a miele or a Rainbow, an inexpensive vacuum) Then I thought about it harder. He had parents. More important, he had himself. I realized that doing that for him would be just like saying, "You don't have the ability to provide for yourself." I held back.
Couple years later, he was applying for a much better job, and asked for a reference for me. (makes way more than me, now!) Made me feel good to see how he'd managed everything.
Your son could use the$10,000 for college. Your Mom will be able to collect some unemployment, it she's been with you for five years.
Don't underestimate the power of self-fulfilling prophesies. If everyone tells her she's incompetent, she's apt to buy into it. She may be, but it's well past time to find out.
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