What have I done?

Old 01-29-2019, 03:37 AM
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What have I done?

I’ve not posted for a long while... but been here hovering and reading almost every night in the wee small hours. Not much has changed in my own situation.

I think this morning things have come to a head though and I’m scared.

I went away at the weekend to see a friend. I tell her everything about my situation we are very close she’s my biggest source of strength and support. Anyway when I got back I discovered AH has spent over £100 on booze. No surprise there really - only lately I’ve done well at detaching. I don’t check his consumption anymore. He actively drinks daily in front us us all. I don’t question him - it’s his right.

But we are short of money. I have no idea why he waited for me to go away to buy two bottles of expensive designer gin and a litre of rum plus a 24 pack of lager. He normally drinks gin and red wine every day anyway, so why the “posh” stuff? And why hide it? (Daughter told me about it I didn’t go looking) I then asked him about money as I was short for paying the rent (he runs the family business but I don’t see any of the profit) and he told me he’d spent £500 on “food shopping” in January. I buy the food shopping and he goes to get alcohol with the odd extra bit like bread milk tops ups. When I suggested it was alcohol he’d spent the £500 he denied it and walked out of the room.

so i messaged my friend on facebook. I had a rant and told her about it. trouble is ... my computer has been broken so I’d logged in on his laptop and yes ... he saw the message. Now he’s incredibly hurt and upset and gone off in a huge angry strop. He didn’t allow me to even speak he just ranted at me how upset he was and how wrong I am. My stomach is in knots. Dreading the confrontation later on. I think though .. I have every right to talk to someone I trust about this? I haven’t betrayed him in my eyes by messaging my friend he can’t continue drinking to the level he does without it affecting the people around him. We are all on top toes around him ignoring his behaviour and accepting it. I’ve not been to alanon because I’ve been afraid of him finding out. Plus I feel like a hypocrite because I like a glass of wine at the weekend!

I know I shouldn’t expect him to understand anything as he’s ill. But I can’t help thinking this is it now - it’s time to face it and tell him again we’ve had enough.

thanks for letting me vent in a safe space.
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Old 01-29-2019, 05:02 AM
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Welcome back, Raining.

Originally Posted by RainingButtons View Post
Not much has changed in my own situation.
Unfortunately nothing changes if nothing changes.

Originally Posted by RainingButtons View Post
I think this morning things have come to a head though and I’m scared.
You are now living in fear of your husband. Through this, you are being controlled by him -- fear of what he will do to you or himself controls you.

Originally Posted by RainingButtons View Post

He actively drinks daily in front us us all. I don’t question him - it’s his right.
You also have a right to financial and emotional security... but you are the only one who can decide how you want to live (even if it means living without him).

Originally Posted by RainingButtons View Post

I then asked him about money as I was short for paying the rent (he runs the family business but I don’t see any of the profit)
This situation, where someone as unreliable as he is, is in control of all the money, is dangerous. You are financially dependent on someone you can not rely on... am I correct?

Originally Posted by RainingButtons View Post
I have every right to talk to someone I trust about this? I haven’t betrayed him in my eyes by messaging my friend he can’t continue drinking to the level he does without it affecting the people around him. We are all on top toes around him ignoring his behaviour and accepting it. I’ve not been to alanon because I’ve been afraid of him finding out. Plus I feel like a hypocrite because I like a glass of wine at the weekend!
He expects you to enable him by keeping his secrets. You have every right to support either from your friends or from Alanon. If you and your child are walking on eggshells around him, afraid that getting support because he might find out (and then what?), you are in an abusive situation. In your household, the addict has total control over your financial security, your emotional security, and has isolated you. Also, YOU are not an alcoholic, HE is... so why can't you have a glass of wine? He sounds controlling. You don't have to be punched in the face to call it abuse: you have ceded your control of your own life to your spouse; your boundaries have eroded to the point that you are forgoing self-help to not offend him.

I'm a bit worried that he doesn't want you talking to your friends. For me, this is a big red flag. I say this because my exAH didn't like me having friends either (and then years into the relationship, when I was friendless and desperately lonely, he made fun of me for being friendless). If I had been punched in the face, I would have had a clear signal that I was in an abusive situation... but the fact is, unless we know what to look out for, a lot of abusive relationships creep up on us slowly. Abusers are manipulative and controlling... and they draw you in by making themselves seem like victims as well as drawing on your weaknesses (you like rabbits, they love rabbits too! you are an ACOA? They are too! etc...). Now, it could be that your husband was humiliated and got angry, or it could be that he's controlling and has been trying to isolate you. I assumed the latter because you don't go to Alanon because you are afraid of his reaction.

Originally Posted by RainingButtons View Post

I know I shouldn’t expect him to understand anything as he’s ill. But I can’t help thinking this is it now - it’s time to face it and tell him again we’ve had enough.
He's not intellectually disabled. He understands what he's doing and how he's affecting his family, he just doesn't want to face it. That's what the drink does: it numbs him... so he doesn't have to face anything... including the fact that drinking hurts his health. Eventually the "disease" will progress to the point that his brain will be so messed up by alcohol that he won't have rational feelings anymore... and this will be the most dangerous point for you.

If you have already told him that you have had enough and nothing has changed (or they have changed and changed back), what do you think will change this time? You need to clarify in your mind what "enough" means first. What are the consequences of his actions -- were there any before? If you really have had enough, and you have discussed your limits with him in the past, it's not as if he's suddenly forgot about them. If he really can't understand anything because he's "sick", discussing the consequences of his actions will be a waste of time.

You might consider what your options are, legally, for separation. I would do this BEFORE talking him in case he's difficult. Just figure everything out with a lawyer or legal aid person (you may be able to get help at Alanon or a DV centre/helpline. You will also have to figure out how to separate your finances -- if at all possible.

I know that for quite a few people, divorce is not an option. But at least separation might bring you some relief. You need to consider it an act of self-care too. Please continue posting, I'm sure other people have better ideas than me.
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Old 01-29-2019, 05:40 AM
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Hi, RaingButtons.
Good to hear from you.
OpheliaKatz makes several good points, and I would place emphasis on the one about how your spouse is controlling the money.
Are there steps you can take to get out from under this?
Good thoughts.
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Old 01-29-2019, 06:35 AM
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This isn't a healthy way for your child to grow up--on tiptoes and seeing one spouse control another.

Children tend to replicate as "normal" their role models growing up.

Even if you can live with it, should your child continue to?
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Old 01-29-2019, 07:57 AM
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RainingButtons, I'm sending you virtual hugs. I have been in your shoes and it is a very difficult situation to be in. Walking on eggshells every day is so exhausting.

Of course your husband doesn't want to know you are "tattling" on him. Of course he lies about how much he spends on alcohol. Alcoholics live in denial and they want their enablers to do the same. For him to know you are sharing that information is breaking his illusion. The alcohol demons HATE having the light shone on them, I'm sure that was a myriad of unpleasant feeling for your AH.

All that being said you absolutely have a right to talk about anything in your life that affects you in any way. Once someone has said or done something TO YOU it becomes YOURS and you are allowed to share whatever you want about yourself. Your anger, fear and frustration are yours, and if talking to your friend helps alleviate those things, you absolutely have every right to tell her.

In your post you mentioned several types of abuse and manipulation. Emotional, mental, verbal, financial...only you can decide how much is too much and then what actions you want to take in dealing with it. I'm afraid having a stern talk with him won't have the greatest results, as is sounds as though he is pretty dug in to his lifestyle... it may be you who will need to do the hard work of changing. I know that seems like a daunting, insurmountable mountain to climb but it can be done.

I hope you continue to keep posting and reaching out here.
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Old 01-29-2019, 08:18 AM
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The posh stuff - just as an aside here, I think in some cases the alcoholic will buy good alcohol because real alcoholics don't drink fine wines and spirits/beer do they? It's a delusion, of course.

He may well be "ill" with alcoholism but that doesn't mean he doesn't understand anything, it also doesn't mean you are supposed to pretend he doesn't drink. You don't need the aggravation of monitoring his intake or calling him on it every time he drinks (because that helps no one, including you) but pretending he doesn't drink is not sustainable - because it does not serve you well.

Speaking with your close friend about your situation is not a "betrayal". Have you tried to talk to him about it? How many times over the years? What has the response been.

Alcoholism is a condition of denial and isolation. Your Husband would like you to keep this secret because if you don't then he has to face it as well and if he does that he can't cling to the delusion.

Not your circus.

Keep talking, don't let this isolate you, that is probably at the top of the list of things NOT to do, for yourself and your children, not for him and not for the alcohol, you can't let the alcohol dictate your life, you don't have to be its slave.

It's said at some point that the relationship the loved one (you) has is, eventually, with alcohol, not with the other person. Don't allow yourself to have a relationship with alcohol. You need better.

Yes, now is as good a time as any to enforce your boundaries, what are they? Seek treatment or you leave? What does that mean, does he need to go to rehab? Be sober for X amount of time before returning home?
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Old 01-29-2019, 08:40 AM
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"The wife of the drinking alcoholic believes herself to be in a troubled relationship with the person who drinks too much. But, at least in the more advanced cases, she is actually in a relationship with the addictive process itself. And because the single and absolute goal of the addiction itself is sheer survival of the addiction, no matter how high the human costs may be, her emotional involvement and influence are hopelessly one-sided. Addiction is a natural, biological and fundamentally inhuman process that responds poorly, if at all, to common sense measures aimed at ordinary human rationality, compassion and concern".

Worried Sick About His Drinking?
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Old 01-29-2019, 08:43 AM
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it’s time to face it and tell him again we’ve had enough.

do you have a plan for what happens next?
you are correct that he can drink if he wants.
but that is no way for the rest of you to live. with a ranting drunk, controlling, frightening and dominating everyone. awful environment for a child who doesn't have the skills needed to survive intact.....
you have a right to live your life as you see fit...and i'm sure THIS is not it!
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Old 01-29-2019, 01:46 PM
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Thankyou for the replies I have read every one over several times and will keep doing so. It makes sense. Most of it. I struggle with the idea he’s being abusive because he talks so much about how his family are everything to him, we are his world etc etc he gets very misty eyed and soppy when he’s full to brim with red wine.

so the conversation this afternoon was tough. I approached him - he opened a can the minute he got in. So I spoke before he got drunk. He was still very angry at me for my “betrayal” and said he would never ever discuss our personal private business with anyone else. He had a go about my friend saying she was out of order (she’d replied that he was in denial) and that he had thought of her as his friend up until now. She’s been my best friend since I was 2.

I told him I was sorry he’d had to read the message but not sorry for what it said as I meant every words I was clear that his drinking affects us all negatively to which he got very defensive over and demanded to know exact examples of how exactly it affects anyone. I said financially. Emotionally socially. I said he’s not present mentally as he is drinking from mid day until he passes out on the sofa early. He denied this fiercely. He denied drinking more than one bottle of gin a week. Etc etc. Then he tried to give me examples of things he does for us like cook dinner (so that I can get on with my work etc etc) I replied that no - that was normal family life and those things are not for me at all they are what is expected of anyone as a dad. It ended with me saying I was worried about his health, that he isnt going to be around for the kids when they get older. And to that he got upset and hugged me. He said he’d make an effort to “not drink so much” and he had a coffee the rest of this evening he’s not drunk.

Yes I’ve been here before. Several times. I have no doubt whatsoever this is not going to work out or change for the better unless he sees a doctor and asks for help. (I suggested he did this. He didn’t respond) I have made it clear enough that I’m leaving if nothing changes.

I am making changes yes. To my own life. I’ve started doing some online sales for a business and hope it will lead to more work. I also think our lease will be up in the next 12 months and am going to make plans to find a place without him unless a miracle change occurs. (It won’t)

im not really satisfied with how tonight went because I feel I’ve avoided the inevitable - again. I feel like I’m putting it off because the feeling of anxiety about the disruption and fall out of leaving with four children (one adult child living at home with serious health issues - and another with ASD) seems worse than trying to maintain a status quo.

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Old 01-29-2019, 02:20 PM
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Abuse comes in many forms, just because he doesn't beat you doesn't mean he isn't abusive.

My AXH loved me, I know he did, but he did things that were abusive. He was a decent provider but providing a roof and food is not all there is to being a good husband.

-He lied about money and other financial shenanigans ( financial abuse)
-He complained all the time we couldn't afford something I bought for the family yet always had money to get drunk with ( financial and emotional abuse)
-He lied, all the time, not just about drinking ( emotional and mental abuse)
-He manipulated me with talk of suicide ( mental and emotional abuse)
-When confronted he would not listen to me, he'd yell at me for being "unfair" then storm away never letting me finish what I had to say ( manipulation plus mental, emotional and verbal abuse)
-He'd list the things he did well for the family, as if that some how gave him a pass or a balance to do the not good stuff (highly manipulative)
-He drank and drove all the time (abusive in so many ways, including legal jeopardy)

I could go on and on about the things that my AXH did that were so unhealthy for him and then by extension myself and our family. However, I have to own the part I played in that dysfunction because it was our normal. Our very unhealthy "normal". It's really hard to see how messed up it is when you are in the midst of it. Time and distance have me seeing things with much clearer eyes.

I hope whatever path you choose, you find a way to live free of the fear you are feeling today. I remember it well, it sucks.
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Old 01-29-2019, 02:35 PM
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I feel like I’m putting it off because the feeling of anxiety about the disruption and fall out of leaving with four children (one adult child living at home with serious health issues - and another with ASD) seems worse than trying to maintain a status quo.

Oh man, RainingButtons, understood! This is tough. I was up in my head for along time before I left my exH. But there just came a time when it was over and I had to make that leap and you know what, honestly, it was terribly hard and stressful but it was NOT worse than the status quo at all, in fact it was almost immediately, mentally, better. Suddenly my own stuff was front and center and I could deal with it, I felt such a surge of control over my destiny it was awesome. Not perfect, not easy, but totally worth it.

Yes it is very scary...just like when you finally jump in the cold lake or pool and get past that initial shock the water is wonderful and you can handle it. All in your own time, just remember the past is gone, you are free in each moment!

Peace,
B.
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Old 01-29-2019, 03:57 PM
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Are your other children not adults yet? Close to being perhaps?

I understand why you stay, but I have to say, of all the stories I have read in F&F, yours absolutely hits every single point of addiction.

- The mental abuse
- His denial
- His defense (he cooks dinner sometimes!)
- The morose tears
etc etc etc

You already know all this of course.

He is not showing any sign of quitting anytime soon, based on what you have shared and he is very deep in an addiction.

What's next? You may not have the luxury of waiting 12 months to see what happens, this could well pan out very poorly in the next year, it's progressive and it's going to get worse. Please prepare for this, financially and emotionally, as much as you can. You might want to start looking at rentals now to see what is out there for you. If his addiction takes a turn for the worst and he increases his drinking, you may really find you have no choice but to leave, for your own sanity if nothing else (and that is reason enough).

The pressure has been turned up on him, based on where he's at his drinking will probably increase, even if it decreases for a short while.

I'm sorry to be writing such negative things and this is, of course, just my opinion based on what I have seen.

I hope he goes to 90 meetings in 90 days starting tomorrow morning and quits drinking, I just wouldn't bet any money on it.
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Old 01-29-2019, 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by RainingButtons View Post
Thankyou for the replies I have read every one over several times and will keep doing so. It makes sense. Most of it. I struggle with the idea he’s being abusive because he talks so much about how his family are everything to him, we are his world etc etc he gets very misty eyed and soppy when he’s full to brim with red wine.

so the conversation this afternoon was tough. I approached him - he opened a can the minute he got in. So I spoke before he got drunk. He was still very angry at me for my “betrayal” and said he would never ever discuss our personal private business with anyone else. He had a go about my friend saying she was out of order (she’d replied that he was in denial) and that he had thought of her as his friend up until now. She’s been my best friend since I was 2.

I told him I was sorry he’d had to read the message but not sorry for what it said as I meant every words I was clear that his drinking affects us all negatively to which he got very defensive over and demanded to know exact examples of how exactly it affects anyone. I said financially. Emotionally socially. I said he’s not present mentally as he is drinking from mid day until he passes out on the sofa early. He denied this fiercely. He denied drinking more than one bottle of gin a week. Etc etc. Then he tried to give me examples of things he does for us like cook dinner (so that I can get on with my work etc etc) I replied that no - that was normal family life and those things are not for me at all they are what is expected of anyone as a dad. It ended with me saying I was worried about his health, that he isnt going to be around for the kids when they get older. And to that he got upset and hugged me. He said he’d make an effort to “not drink so much” and he had a coffee the rest of this evening he’s not drunk.

Yes I’ve been here before. Several times. I have no doubt whatsoever this is not going to work out or change for the better unless he sees a doctor and asks for help. (I suggested he did this. He didn’t respond) I have made it clear enough that I’m leaving if nothing changes.

I am making changes yes. To my own life. I’ve started doing some online sales for a business and hope it will lead to more work. I also think our lease will be up in the next 12 months and am going to make plans to find a place without him unless a miracle change occurs. (It won’t)

im not really satisfied with how tonight went because I feel I’ve avoided the inevitable - again. I feel like I’m putting it off because the feeling of anxiety about the disruption and fall out of leaving with four children (one adult child living at home with serious health issues - and another with ASD) seems worse than trying to maintain a status quo.

x
Please take this not as a criticism, but as me pointing something out that maybe you don't see. You said this.....
"I struggle with the idea he’s being abusive because he talks so much about how his family are everything to him, we are his world etc etc he gets very misty eyed and soppy when he’s full to brim with red wine." He talks a lot about how his family is his world. He TALKS about that. But does he show that by his actions?
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Old 01-30-2019, 05:18 AM
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Originally Posted by SmallButMighty View Post
Abuse comes in many forms, just because he doesn't beat you doesn't mean he isn't abusive.

My AXH loved me, I know he did, but he did things that were abusive. He was a decent provider but providing a roof and food is not all there is to being a good husband.

-He lied about money and other financial shenanigans ( financial abuse)
-He complained all the time we couldn't afford something I bought for the family yet always had money to get drunk with ( financial and emotional abuse)
-He lied, all the time, not just about drinking ( emotional and mental abuse)
-He manipulated me with talk of suicide ( mental and emotional abuse)
-When confronted he would not listen to me, he'd yell at me for being "unfair" then storm away never letting me finish what I had to say ( manipulation plus mental, emotional and verbal abuse)
-He'd list the things he did well for the family, as if that some how gave him a pass or a balance to do the not good stuff (highly manipulative)
-He drank and drove all the time (abusive in so many ways, including legal jeopardy)

I could go on and on about the things that my AXH did that were so unhealthy for him and then by extension myself and our family. However, I have to own the part I played in that dysfunction because it was our normal. Our very unhealthy "normal". It's really hard to see how messed up it is when you are in the midst of it. Time and distance have me seeing things with much clearer eyes.

I hope whatever path you choose, you find a way to live free of the fear you are feeling today. I remember it well, it sucks.
Everything SmallButMighty said were things my exAH did too. Just replace the alcohol with addiction to various other things -- if he could get drunk or high, it didn't matter. I don't know the stats on this, but I personally believe that abuse, like addiction, is a spectrum from "just having a drink every day after work and feeling hung-over the next day" to "having enough to drink every day that you pass out and your spouse has to roll you over so you don't choke on your vomit". And abuse, like addiction, is progressive. My point is... a human being doesn't become physically violent until the chips are down... and no one can tell what another person's (emotional) bottom is. The fundamental similarity between someone who is a habitual liar and someone who is going to physically hurt you to get what they want is that both those types of people are selfish and they have CONTEMPT for you.

You are the only one who knows if your husband has contemptuous feelings about your family. Think back to the times you disagreed with him, when there was an argument. Did he insist you were wrong... crazy... misinformed? How do his friends treat you?

My exAH also used to tell me that he loved his life with me the BEST of all his ex-partners (HA!). What he really meant was: you are so trusting and you take care of me like the mother I wish I had but didn't and that is the excuse I am going to use for drugging myself into non-existence... because I really hate myself and sometimes, BECAUSE you are so wonderful, I am going to project my self-hatred onto you cause I really hate that you're so wonderful to me.

It took a shocking turn of events (where I was literally afraid I would end up dead) for me to acknowledge that yes, I was in an abusive situation. And yet, because the cognitive dissonance was so strong, I had to have... like... 5 people (in real life) tell me that I needed "no contact" before I could accept it.

I'm not saying that your husband is anything like mine. I really hope he is not! Maybe when the chips are down, he'll get help. He seems to not want help at this moment.

You need a break. Having children with disabilities is so difficult. Is there any way a friend or family member can help you? Can you move into someone's spare room for a few months, pay a small amount of rent?
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Old 01-30-2019, 03:19 PM
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I couldn’t move out anywhere without the kids and my pets. Three cats and a dog. My oldest two are from my first marriage and they are 18 and 21. One a full time student and the other has the disabilities and is 100% reliant on me. The youngest two are AHs and age 13 and 10. They worship AH.

Thinking about past arguments - yes he does just walk away and never lets me finish or get my point across. He says I should make my point then drop it not go on and on and on, but if I try to make a point he shows no reaction at all like he’s not heard me. So I say more. Then he walks away. Generally that’s why it’s pointless trying to have a conversation about anything serious. He wanted me to come on board with the family business to help him out but so far it’s been so difficult. He said he desperately wanted me to transfer all our client paperwork onto pdf so he can email them contracts and handbooks instead, to save him forgetting. (I suspect he’s forgotten a lot!) I did all this for him it wasn’t easy and took me ages but so far he’s not even glanced at them and even has forgotten I’ve done them. I reminded him and he looked blank as if I was talking gibberish. yet when I want to make a decision on a business matter that he doesn’t agree with he repeatedly ignores my requests for information. I feel like it’s an insult to me, I’m certainly not an equal to him. When we travel in the same car even if it’s mind - he has to drive because he doesn’t like being a passenger. Obviously I don’t get in a car with him once he’s started drinking though but if I insisted I drive he’d be ok just make over exaggerated gestures with his feet as if braking or sucking though his teeth as if he thinks I’m too close to the kerb.

So so yes I guess that’s pretty controlling. Hadn’t thought of it like that.

he’s not had a drink today... herbal tea instead .. so he’s making his “point” again that he doesn’t have a problem 😩 this has lasted three weeks once. Happens once in a while and always goes back to the same old story.
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Old 01-30-2019, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Wamama48 View Post
x
Please take this not as a criticism, but as me pointing something out that maybe you don't see. You said this.....
"I struggle with the idea he’s being abusive because he talks so much about how his family are everything to him, we are his world etc etc he gets very misty eyed and soppy when he’s full to brim with red wine." He talks a lot about how his family is his world. He TALKS about that. But does he show that by his actions?
very true. His actions don’t show any affection towards me whatsoever, apart from the odd hug.
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Old 01-30-2019, 05:12 PM
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Do you rely solely on the income from the business? Do you have any savings? No need to answer here, of course, but I would be VERY wary if you do. He doesn't share the financial information with you (which is really odd btw) so for all you know the company may just be in debt.

You're right that him asking you to do the project then completely forgetting it and not using it is a huge red flag. It may well indicate that he's not taking care of business as he should and asked for help out of desperation but can't even deal with that/has genuinely forgotten.
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Old 01-30-2019, 06:12 PM
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it sounds as if you are all HIS hostages...........scary.
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Old 01-31-2019, 05:23 AM
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Raining please forgive me for saying this... you're a woman living without resources and with four kids, one of whom is disabled, and also four pets. You have nine (9) dependents (including him) and NO ability to access finances.

This man has you and your family right where he wants you: you are his own private audience to his sadomasochistic melodrama. If it were a Greek play, it would be called something like, "Narcissus Drowns Himself and Takes his Family with Him".

This business with him drinking tea is manipulation. He's doing it to make you feel bad for him. He's probably feeling sorry for himself as I type this. It's a performance... and: It. Is. Abuse (in my opinion).

Please consider contacting your DV centre/services. I don't know if his behavior is a result of his addiction or if this is his personality and the addiction is just an "extra" (I'm of the school of thought that addiction doesn't cause abuse, only abusers can cause abuse... but the stats are kind of fuzzy on the addiction-abuse relationship and I'm not an expert). No matter what the cause... you need to protect yourself, and that includes your mental well-being. Also... the kids... they see this behavior and are affected by it. You don't want them to think this is a good way to treat Mama. The two that are his... he has basically manipulated them to think he can do no wrong... which means if you try to leave, they will be his minions. This. Is. Deliberate.

I urge you to get a copy of this book on your phone so you an read it in private: "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

I could be an alarmist and maybe everything I'm saying doesn't apply to you... but if it doesn't, then reading that book won't do any harm.
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Old 01-31-2019, 06:21 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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You have a double whammy. A business, and a child with a disability. I hope you find the time to take good care of yourself. Don't for one second feel badly about venting to your friend. You DESERVE to have support. Please know that. Suffering in silence will eat you alive. Get the support you need. We are here for you always!

I would do any and all you can do to prepare financially.

Huge hugs!
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