Cant go on like this
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
Cant go on like this
I was sober for 17 months and I relapsed 2 weeks ago, drinking on and off since then. I'm totally and utterly lost. The shame I feel for myself is indescribable.
I've realised how little I've changed over these past months and all my selfishness is still there. I've stopped applying all the things I learned in AA and things have become worse than they've ever been. I hate my guts. And I need to be honest with my sponsor.
I'm scared if I don't get this I'm going to lose my children or die.
I desperately want to be sober.
Just need to be honest.
I've realised how little I've changed over these past months and all my selfishness is still there. I've stopped applying all the things I learned in AA and things have become worse than they've ever been. I hate my guts. And I need to be honest with my sponsor.
I'm scared if I don't get this I'm going to lose my children or die.
I desperately want to be sober.
Just need to be honest.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1,535
PeaceInSilence, sorry to hear what you are going through, but I’m glad you came back here so soon.
Still truly wanting to be sober is a good sign. If I would relapse and lose that, no doubt I would just surrender and keep drinking.
Why not focus again on what exactly it is that makes you want to be (and stay) sober, and today put down the drink once more?
Still truly wanting to be sober is a good sign. If I would relapse and lose that, no doubt I would just surrender and keep drinking.
Why not focus again on what exactly it is that makes you want to be (and stay) sober, and today put down the drink once more?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,234
It's not a race. Learning how to remain sober
on a continuous bases takes willingness, keeping
and open mind and honesty. Many folks dont
get the honesty part right away but continue
to apply a guideline in a recovery program like
AA to follow each day that remain sober to
eventually get it.
To achieve success in recovery is to
continue to build a strong foundation
to live upon based on that recovery
guideline taught to you.
Take each step one at a time, learn it
then apply it on a daily bases continuously.
I like many began with that first day sober.
Mine began in a rehab facility via a family
intervention. I spent 28 day with a 6 week
outpatient aftercare program to teach me
about my addiction, it's affects on my mine
body and soul.
From there I took that knowledge and the
gift of a recovery program to incorporate
in all areas of my life moving forward with
my family, home and job.
I wanted and needed to remain sober no
matter what because I didn't want to lose
lifes precious gifts. So, I learned to balance
family and recovery for a many one days
at a time over the yrs to get me to where
I am today, some 28 yrs sober.
No, I didn't just snap my fingers and whala
im sober this many yrs later. I have be traveling
on this recovery journey in life a long time
going thru many changes in life to achieve
health, happiness and yes, finally honesty.
This is your time to take your sobriety
and recovery and move forward listening,
learning, absorbing and applying all there
is available to you to help you also achieve
health, happiness, honesty and many of
lifes amazing rewards, gifts and promises
waiting for you to enjoy and be blessed for.
One Day At A time, One Step at a Time
holding on to your recovery lifelines and
support for strength, understanding and
guidance along the way.
on a continuous bases takes willingness, keeping
and open mind and honesty. Many folks dont
get the honesty part right away but continue
to apply a guideline in a recovery program like
AA to follow each day that remain sober to
eventually get it.
To achieve success in recovery is to
continue to build a strong foundation
to live upon based on that recovery
guideline taught to you.
Take each step one at a time, learn it
then apply it on a daily bases continuously.
I like many began with that first day sober.
Mine began in a rehab facility via a family
intervention. I spent 28 day with a 6 week
outpatient aftercare program to teach me
about my addiction, it's affects on my mine
body and soul.
From there I took that knowledge and the
gift of a recovery program to incorporate
in all areas of my life moving forward with
my family, home and job.
I wanted and needed to remain sober no
matter what because I didn't want to lose
lifes precious gifts. So, I learned to balance
family and recovery for a many one days
at a time over the yrs to get me to where
I am today, some 28 yrs sober.
No, I didn't just snap my fingers and whala
im sober this many yrs later. I have be traveling
on this recovery journey in life a long time
going thru many changes in life to achieve
health, happiness and yes, finally honesty.
This is your time to take your sobriety
and recovery and move forward listening,
learning, absorbing and applying all there
is available to you to help you also achieve
health, happiness, honesty and many of
lifes amazing rewards, gifts and promises
waiting for you to enjoy and be blessed for.
One Day At A time, One Step at a Time
holding on to your recovery lifelines and
support for strength, understanding and
guidance along the way.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 449
Peaceinsilence I still see the not so good traits in myself but you know what Peace, that is being human and honest and genuine it is people that see perfection in themselves that is worrying because there is no such thing!
Maybe you aren't as selfish as you think you are? And I'd be interested to hear why you think you are being selfish? Because it is exactly this sort of thinking that leads us to pick up the bottle.
Don't see the fact you have had a relapse as a failure because it isn't! It just isn't good for you! You can always pick yourself back up from this! 17months is incredible and two weeks is not going to take anything away from that.
did the self-loathing start before or after you started drinking?
*warm hugs*
it is people that see perfection in themselves that is worrying because there is no such thing!Maybe you aren't as selfish as you think you are? And I'd be interested to hear why you think you are being selfish? Because it is exactly this sort of thinking that leads us to pick up the bottle.
Don't see the fact you have had a relapse as a failure because it isn't! It just isn't good for you! You can always pick yourself back up from this! 17months is incredible and two weeks is not going to take anything away from that.
did the self-loathing start before or after you started drinking?
*warm hugs*
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Peace,
I did nearly all of my drinking at home so I get some strong craves here.
Yesterday, I managed to get myself worked up into a froth over some imagined issue I was having. I thought about how I would blindly drink about it in the past.
There are so many terrible things for me when it comes to booze. Going to bed and waking up sober has to be my favorite thing about being clean. Since I work out all the time i see tons of growth there as well. I also see growth in my relationships at home especially, but also at work and with folks I know.
The sober version, the original God designed version of me is pretty ok.
I try to have a great time in my sober journey. I party all the time, just no booze.
Tha ks.
I did nearly all of my drinking at home so I get some strong craves here.
Yesterday, I managed to get myself worked up into a froth over some imagined issue I was having. I thought about how I would blindly drink about it in the past.
There are so many terrible things for me when it comes to booze. Going to bed and waking up sober has to be my favorite thing about being clean. Since I work out all the time i see tons of growth there as well. I also see growth in my relationships at home especially, but also at work and with folks I know.
The sober version, the original God designed version of me is pretty ok.
I try to have a great time in my sober journey. I party all the time, just no booze.
Tha ks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
Thanks everyone for the responses.
I feel I'm selfish due to the fact I've got 2 small children who need me and I'm drinking to escape the pain of how I feel about myself. Up until October I was doing good, getting to meetings, sharing, being in touch with my sponsor then everything fell away. Being in AA gave me the opportunity to buy a home, have some peace of mind.....and I began to forget what I was I guess. I stopped doing what I knew I should be doing and the thought of a drink came back into my mind. I ran off the anticipation of having that drink until I had one 2 weeks ago.
What is boils down to is how very little I think about myself, I've got so much work to do on myself and I'm scared of showing the ugliness I feel about myself but I know I need to face that to get better.
I've got a new sponsor and I'm ready to be honest about everything. I need to be or I'm going to die. I know I cant drink safely but it stops the pain I feel about myself (for a short while) but I need to realise this is my life and it has to be a sober one. And I truly want that.
Day 1.
I feel I'm selfish due to the fact I've got 2 small children who need me and I'm drinking to escape the pain of how I feel about myself. Up until October I was doing good, getting to meetings, sharing, being in touch with my sponsor then everything fell away. Being in AA gave me the opportunity to buy a home, have some peace of mind.....and I began to forget what I was I guess. I stopped doing what I knew I should be doing and the thought of a drink came back into my mind. I ran off the anticipation of having that drink until I had one 2 weeks ago.
What is boils down to is how very little I think about myself, I've got so much work to do on myself and I'm scared of showing the ugliness I feel about myself but I know I need to face that to get better.
I've got a new sponsor and I'm ready to be honest about everything. I need to be or I'm going to die. I know I cant drink safely but it stops the pain I feel about myself (for a short while) but I need to realise this is my life and it has to be a sober one. And I truly want that.
Day 1.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Peace,
I spent too much time editing my last post that it timed out. Glad it ended on a good note. I was hitting the backspace key a whole lot.
Anyway...
Great job on stopping after 2 weeks of drinking. I am no Dr., but I figure it could not have changed your body that much.
I still crave after all this time without being drunk. I distract myself with things to get through. Yesterday I was mad at my wife. The thought of drinking was there.
Instead, I took down the xmas lights I little early. Trimmed the dieing tree in front of the house. Washed my car. Made up with the wife. Took a nap. Hit the gym. Etc etc etc.
Turned out an ok day. I woke up an hour ago feeling ok thanking God.
I thank God each morning and night i am sober. It is how i start and end each day.
Thanks.
I spent too much time editing my last post that it timed out. Glad it ended on a good note. I was hitting the backspace key a whole lot.
Anyway...
Great job on stopping after 2 weeks of drinking. I am no Dr., but I figure it could not have changed your body that much.
I still crave after all this time without being drunk. I distract myself with things to get through. Yesterday I was mad at my wife. The thought of drinking was there.
Instead, I took down the xmas lights I little early.
Trimmed the dieing tree in front of the house. Washed my car. Made up with the wife. Took a nap. Hit the gym. Etc etc etc.Turned out an ok day. I woke up an hour ago feeling ok thanking God.
I thank God each morning and night i am sober. It is how i start and end each day.
Thanks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
Thanks all. Attended a meeting last night and it was a share I needed to hear. All the pain someone has suffered and not needing to lift a drink through it all.....gave me hope again (and the boot up the ass) to get set in my mind I need to live this programme and get back to basics.
I need to start accepting help and telling my truth or I'm going to get drunk again.
Day 2.
I need to start accepting help and telling my truth or I'm going to get drunk again.
Day 2.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
Feeling a little better today. I'm trying to be vigilant with my feelings and what is going on in this head of mine.
Few things I've realised - I'm jealous the father of my children has met someone (this is after nearly two years of me telling him I didn't want him) how dare he *rolls eyes I know!
I feel like I'm struggling to be a good mum to my children - the guilt of this is literally eating me up inside.
I really don't like who I am as a person, I think its come to light how much I think about what I'M going through rather than thinking about others.
I have to get a hold of the eating disorder I have.
I've never said any of this out loud and I will have to but starting here I figure is a good start in moving forward.
Day 3.
Few things I've realised - I'm jealous the father of my children has met someone (this is after nearly two years of me telling him I didn't want him) how dare he *rolls eyes I know!
I feel like I'm struggling to be a good mum to my children - the guilt of this is literally eating me up inside.
I really don't like who I am as a person, I think its come to light how much I think about what I'M going through rather than thinking about others.
I have to get a hold of the eating disorder I have.
I've never said any of this out loud and I will have to but starting here I figure is a good start in moving forward.
Day 3.
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,382
You're capable of a lot more than you know, PeaceinS. Life has a way of knocking us around til we can't see straight sometimes, but we can keep redirecting our attention back to what we know is important, what's good for us and those around us. All the best to you! You're back on the right track now.
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