What they say when they are drunk
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What they say when they are drunk
I know I shouldn't be wondering about this, but I had a conversation with a friend who is now divorced from her ex AH. She thinks the nasty things that they say when they are are their true thoughts coming out.
Thoughts? I'm not sure that it's an across the board thing.
Thoughts? I'm not sure that it's an across the board thing.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
and if that WAS true............? what does that mean for YOU?
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Originally Posted by Mango212
Ill person, ill thoughts, symptoms of the disease.
For people in recovery, healthy actions lead to healthy thinking. The core person starts showing up. That may be a kind, nice person or a jerk.
For people in recovery, healthy actions lead to healthy thinking. The core person starts showing up. That may be a kind, nice person or a jerk.
it might be symptoms of the disease but if they think it then it's real to them
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It probably is truthful. However my experience of drunken rants from exah is that its very black and white thinking. For example, he has yelled at me before that I 'let my son off with murder'. The actual truth is my youngest son is autistic and so sometimes his behaviour may seem bad, but it's actual related to fear and anxiety with autism. When you understand that, then you know that punishment will only deepen the confusion and the fear.
A drunk alcoholic will say anything to hurt you when going off on one. Literally will drag up the smallest thing, because they want to justify their drinking. I would also say a drunk alcoholic puts you down to make sure you don't leave them or kick them out, they want to keep a comfortable life with a roof over their head and food in theyir belly whilst they drink away.
My exH said some truly disgusting things when drunk and one day, I realised that i had cut people out of my life for a lot less. I didn't leave then and there but it was the start of me falling out of love with him. Someone that loves you doesn't try to run you into the ground and no amount of 'disease' or 'illness' makes that acceptable.
You need to ask yourself, what are YOU willing to accept?
A drunk alcoholic will say anything to hurt you when going off on one. Literally will drag up the smallest thing, because they want to justify their drinking. I would also say a drunk alcoholic puts you down to make sure you don't leave them or kick them out, they want to keep a comfortable life with a roof over their head and food in theyir belly whilst they drink away.
My exH said some truly disgusting things when drunk and one day, I realised that i had cut people out of my life for a lot less. I didn't leave then and there but it was the start of me falling out of love with him. Someone that loves you doesn't try to run you into the ground and no amount of 'disease' or 'illness' makes that acceptable.
You need to ask yourself, what are YOU willing to accept?
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I'm not sure if what they say is literally truth to them, but maybe the lack of inhibition brings hidden resentment to the surface.
My mother was a very passive-aggressive person sober, although with many good qualities, but give her a couple of drinks and she'd turn nasty. I saw it as the suppressed hostility bubbling to the surface.
OTOH I have suppressed anger but I was quite a mellow drunk during my drinking days.
My mother was a very passive-aggressive person sober, although with many good qualities, but give her a couple of drinks and she'd turn nasty. I saw it as the suppressed hostility bubbling to the surface.
OTOH I have suppressed anger but I was quite a mellow drunk during my drinking days.
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Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
I'm not sure if what they say is literally truth to them, but maybe the lack of inhibition brings hidden resentment to the surface.
My mother was a very passive-aggressive person sober, although with many good qualities, but give her a couple of drinks and she'd turn nasty. I saw it as the suppressed hostility bubbling to the surface.
OTOH I have suppressed anger but I was quite a mellow drunk during my drinking days.
My mother was a very passive-aggressive person sober, although with many good qualities, but give her a couple of drinks and she'd turn nasty. I saw it as the suppressed hostility bubbling to the surface.
OTOH I have suppressed anger but I was quite a mellow drunk during my drinking days.
this is makes sense - hidden hostility along with purple's mention of black and white thinking. It's like using dynamite when a match would do
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If the rages, disrespect and verbal abuse "don't mean anything," then neither does any apology that might follow. My ex would say horrible things to me when he was drunk. If I brought it up he would either say he didn't mean what he said, or rage because he didn't remember and would accuse me of making things up.
Even if he "really didn't mean it," it was hurtful and degrading when it was happening to me and he didn't care enough to take any real steps to stop the behavior. I tied myself in knots, stuffed negative emotions and walked on eggshells so I wouldn't make him feel bad, and he couldn't be bothered to do even basic actions that showed me love and respect.
I decided I didn't want to live that way, and he had no incentive to change. Everything he was doing worked for him. Showing me love and respect was not a priority for him. Drinking was/is.
Even if he "really didn't mean it," it was hurtful and degrading when it was happening to me and he didn't care enough to take any real steps to stop the behavior. I tied myself in knots, stuffed negative emotions and walked on eggshells so I wouldn't make him feel bad, and he couldn't be bothered to do even basic actions that showed me love and respect.
I decided I didn't want to live that way, and he had no incentive to change. Everything he was doing worked for him. Showing me love and respect was not a priority for him. Drinking was/is.
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I think some of it is, and the rest is just quacking. My AW has told me that she hates me, etc., and I think part of that is true. She's also said that she hired a PI to track me, and she filed divorce papers - neither of which are true.
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It was my experience, that my AXH would rail on about other people's bad behavior. (All of which were things he also did.) He hated this and he hated that and he hated the other... I think a lot of what he was actually "hating" was more about himself then anything else.
I don't think he is capable of understanding the concept of transference though because he is still active in his addiction.
I don't think he is capable of understanding the concept of transference though because he is still active in his addiction.
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It is hurtful and terribly damaging to the partner.
When one is made aware of what they are doing and they still dismiss the pain of their partner, and continues to engage in the behavior that leads to abuse,
well, that part is the deal-breaker, isn't it?
When one is made aware of what they are doing and they still dismiss the pain of their partner, and continues to engage in the behavior that leads to abuse,
well, that part is the deal-breaker, isn't it?
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad
I think some of it is, and the rest is just quacking. My AW has told me that she hates me, etc., and I think part of that is true. She's also said that she hired a PI to track me, and she filed divorce papers - neither of which are true.
there was a subtle shift in tone a few weeks ago, and it threw me off a bit. Some nasty things were said, and once in front of my kids, which has never happened. Well, low and behold I open up the kitchen cabinet under the sink to grab something. There is a bottle of whiskey under there. Vodka days are much more pleasant
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Not all alcoholic verbally abuse and disrespect their loved ones. Nowhere on a bottle of alcohol does it say, may make you say things you might regret.
I think they do mean what they say at the moment they are saying them, verbal abuse is verbal abuse, period.
I personally do not buy the excuse for unacceptable behavior of “I’m sorry, it was the alcohol talking”, or “alcohol makes me argumentative” ”I was so drunk I didn’t know what I was saying, sorry” etc. etc.
As ladyscribbler pointed out, if the rages, disrespect and verbal abuse “don’t mean anything” then neither does the apology that always follows. Apologies never mean anything when they keep doing what they are sorry for.
I think they do mean what they say at the moment they are saying them, verbal abuse is verbal abuse, period.
I personally do not buy the excuse for unacceptable behavior of “I’m sorry, it was the alcohol talking”, or “alcohol makes me argumentative” ”I was so drunk I didn’t know what I was saying, sorry” etc. etc.
As ladyscribbler pointed out, if the rages, disrespect and verbal abuse “don’t mean anything” then neither does the apology that always follows. Apologies never mean anything when they keep doing what they are sorry for.
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My AH says awful things. I know he has a terrible opinion of himself. It's him projecting. While what he says is extremely hurtful, I think it's stuff he thinks about himself.
I don't accept apologies anymore.
I don't accept apologies anymore.
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Unfortunately, alcoholism is progressive.
Him saying things in front of the kids may not just be because of whiskey, but because his condition is getting worse the longer he drinks.
When I was drinking, I went from happy fun drunk, to depressed drunk, to slightly mean drunk, to angry drunk over years.
Not fair to my partner at all--that's why I quit.
Him saying things in front of the kids may not just be because of whiskey, but because his condition is getting worse the longer he drinks.
When I was drinking, I went from happy fun drunk, to depressed drunk, to slightly mean drunk, to angry drunk over years.
Not fair to my partner at all--that's why I quit.
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I ask myself this too...Mine wasn't really verbally abusive but we had a very difficult relationship, when he was sober it was never an issue. But when drinking that "one" reason would come up. He did tell me I ruined his life one time...But after a month of not talking and one month of rehab he apologized and said that I changed his life and i was the best thing that ever happened to him...Some is true but i think most of it is drinking related stupid reasons they make up in their head.
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In college I once said something inappropriate and unkind to a girl friend when I was drunk. It was obvious this hurt her. My roommate was there with us and observed, "You never would have said that to her if you weren't drunk." This was so many years ago that I should have forgotten it. Although I can't remember what I said, I do remember being ashamed. Was it something I actually meant? I can't remember. But either way, it was uncalled for.
There is a line in Batman Begins. After getting drunk and acting irresponsibly, Bruce Wayne defends himself to his girl friend telling her deep down that he's actually a good person. She replies with something like, "People don't judge you by what you are inside, Bruce. They can only judge you by your actions."
Whatever psychological dynamic you want to read into this. Alcohol does not bring out the best in us.
There is a line in Batman Begins. After getting drunk and acting irresponsibly, Bruce Wayne defends himself to his girl friend telling her deep down that he's actually a good person. She replies with something like, "People don't judge you by what you are inside, Bruce. They can only judge you by your actions."
Whatever psychological dynamic you want to read into this. Alcohol does not bring out the best in us.
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