sotired77

I'm feeling so sad today. I woke up this morning and discovered my husband had been drinking last night. He had almost 2 months of sobriety, working his program, etc. He's relapsed many times before, but now I actually have the divorce papers in the works. I asked him to move out this morning, so the kids (12 year old twins) don't have to watch him drink. But it doesn't look like he has any motivation to move out and I don't want to get in an argument/fight. I just want to move on. Legally I can't kick him out just for drinking (confirmed by my lawyer). He hasn't done anything illegal. So, it looks like me and the boys will have to be the ones to move out for now. The divorce won't be final until May 1st. That date seems so close, yet so far. I'm so super bummed out. I just wish he would leave. It would make life so much easier. Any suggestions on how to convince him? If there are no suggestions, then hugs and well wishes are always welcome.

trailmix

Hi sotired, I'm really sorry to hear this, I know how hard this is on you.

My suggestion would be to speak to him parent to parent. While he may not "feel" like moving, perhaps if you talk to him about the impact this has on your children he will see the sense in him moving.

While you can't force him to leave, I would recommend a boundary, which, in this case I would share with him.

If it is a huge upheaval for you to move and if he absolutely refuses to move then no alcohol/drinking in the house, if he wants to drink go out and drink.

Worth a try?

Mango212

(((((hugs)))))

I understand. I've been there.

Good wishes, prayers and much support is with you.

AnvilheadII

has it been made CLEAR to him that you have filed for divorce?

and has it been made CLEAR to him that if he does not leave the residence, you will pack up the children and move? and are you really ready to do that if need be?

is it clear what date this needs to happen on? as in circled on the calendar?

sotired77

Thank you for the hugs and warm messages. AnvilheadII, yes, it is clear that I filed for divorce (he was already served). I'm packing up and moving today, so yes, I am ready to do this. I have a place to go (my mom's), it's just very inconvenient because of the commute. But it's better than living at home with him. He has to leave by May 1st, which is the date the divorce will be final (if all goes smoothly). He knows this as well. I just wanted him to leave sooner. But if I have to wait, then I guess I'll just have to deal with the inconvenience of a long commute for me and the kids. I'm feeling better reading the support from everyone, so please keep it coming!

atalose

Hugs and well wishes!!

AnvilheadII

i very much appreciate that even tho this is a really difficult time, you are sticking to your guns, your commitment to yourself, and taking action.

Leelee168

Doing what is best for you is not always easy. I wish you time to heal and be at peace while staying at your Mom’s. Sometimes, going to Mom’s house can really help. Best to you.

trailmix

I second this!

trailmix

Hey sotired, hope the move wasn't too exhausting, although I'm sure it probably was.

Hope you are all settled in and feeling a bit more secure.

hopeful4

Oh friend, I am so sorry!

I can only say that I pray things go smoothly and that he will move out sooner rather than later.

Sending you many hugs and prayers!

D122y

So,

Active addicts are not mentally normal. They will say and do whatever to get to that drink.

I would live normally as possible around him unless he gets beligerant. Then I would call the cops.

Intentionally provoking him while drunk would obviously work, but it could lead to a dire outcome and weigh heavily on your mind.

My wife used to avoid me when I was drinking. She would provoke me sometimes, but I was a mellow drunk 99% of the time.

Thankfully, i found the need to quit. I am sure it was one of my angels stepping in.

That is the best advice I have.

Thanks.

sotired77

I'm out of the house and feeling so good. I left yesterday and settled in with my mom. One of my sons has a big test today so we spent yesterday evening studying. I felt guilty for stressing him with the move right before a test, but he was such a trooper. He was focused and strong. I am so proud of my children and myself. Everyone has been so supportive. I feel like I can get through ANYTHING!!! And I took the advice of trailmix and had a talk with AH, parent to parent. He seemed sympathetic to my request for him to leave, but he hasn't taken any action. I can't control him so I've just accepted our situation and I'm actually really happy. The first letters of mine and my boy's names happen to be C., A., and N. So I nicknamed us team C.A.N. Because we CAN do anything!!! Thank you to everyone for all of your support. It has made a world of difference.

hopeful4

I am so glad to hear that you are safe, relaxed, and doing what is best for you and your boys! Well Done!

NYCDoglvr

Suggest you stay focused on the fact you have a plan, have taken positive action and the end is in sight. Of course it's stressful! A very big hug.

Mango212

Hi sotired,

Sending good wishes. You've got this. Trust there was a reason for going back. Trust there's really good things in moving forward.

sotired77

Oh Mango, I really needed your kind words today. I had to go home to get some stuff I needed and I saw him passed out on the bed. I didn't check on him, but just got my stuff and left. Then the panicked thoughts started to creep in: "what if he dies", "I didn't check on him, what if he's dead already", "should I try to help him", "should I call an ambulance", "what's going to happen to him". The worried thoughts just kept coming. I'm trying to stay calm. I had felt so good yesterday. I'm trying to focus on the end point, but I'm just having a hard day today. I will do what you say and "trust". THANK YOU for checking in. The support brings tears to my eyes.

Mango212

((((hugs))))

I get it. I really do. You're stronger than you know.

One day at a time.

trailmix

oh sotired, you are used to being in that "fight or flight" mode of constant worry, sitting on the edge of your seat, your reaction is normal and will wane as you get more time away from him.

It is sad and it is a worry, but he needs to be able to take care of himself.

Lots of support to you.

Clover71