I don't think I love him anymore.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 32
I don't think I love him anymore.
I think it might be over for myself and my in recovery husband.
We have been married for five years, split up once already for two years due to his drinking and been back together nearly two years. He has had a few short lived relapses in that time, lasting a day or two tops and I think it's settling into a pattern of every two months or so.
He always lies, makes me feel awful for suspecting him, gets verbally aggressive and usually goes off in the car, so drink driving. And each time, the love I have for him is that little bit less. To the point I just feel he is a burden now.
I have 4 children, none are his. In October last year I found out I was pregnant, massive age gap between my current four and this one. I couldn't terminate, it's just not something I could live with, but it has changed everything.
I have always worked and basically supported my husband for the past two years, he had a job for four months before he was fired for drinking. The fact of the matter is life would be easier without him in it. He doesn't want to stop, not really. He was on antabuse, stopped taking it after six months. He goes to the AA but goes less and less until relapse. He has specialist support every fortnight. He is on antidepressants but ran out the other day and hasn't bothered getting anymore.
His days are spent at home, cleaning and cooking for kids, occasionally walking the dog, watching YouTube videos and playing on the xbox.
Everytime he relapses all he has to say for himself is sorry. Its not the relapses that upset me. I accept they can, will and do happen. Its how awfully he treats me when they do.
I don't think I can do anymore for him and honestly, I don't want to. But I suppose there is a part of me that still hopes I don't have to end my marriage so I am posting here.
We have been married for five years, split up once already for two years due to his drinking and been back together nearly two years. He has had a few short lived relapses in that time, lasting a day or two tops and I think it's settling into a pattern of every two months or so.
He always lies, makes me feel awful for suspecting him, gets verbally aggressive and usually goes off in the car, so drink driving. And each time, the love I have for him is that little bit less. To the point I just feel he is a burden now.
I have 4 children, none are his. In October last year I found out I was pregnant, massive age gap between my current four and this one. I couldn't terminate, it's just not something I could live with, but it has changed everything.
I have always worked and basically supported my husband for the past two years, he had a job for four months before he was fired for drinking. The fact of the matter is life would be easier without him in it. He doesn't want to stop, not really. He was on antabuse, stopped taking it after six months. He goes to the AA but goes less and less until relapse. He has specialist support every fortnight. He is on antidepressants but ran out the other day and hasn't bothered getting anymore.
His days are spent at home, cleaning and cooking for kids, occasionally walking the dog, watching YouTube videos and playing on the xbox.
Everytime he relapses all he has to say for himself is sorry. Its not the relapses that upset me. I accept they can, will and do happen. Its how awfully he treats me when they do.
I don't think I can do anymore for him and honestly, I don't want to. But I suppose there is a part of me that still hopes I don't have to end my marriage so I am posting here.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Location: Somerset County, NJ
Posts: 70
Hi there.
I was in a similar situation however I was not married to him, did live with him a short time but that didn't last.
This is no life for you nor your children to be involved in. I understand everything you are saying..The lying..The constant anger when you ask "have you been drinking?" and the guilt they give you for asking. The drinking and driving...My ex just got his third DUI and if currently on the run to avoid jail time. It will get worse, please get yourself out of that. Being married if he ends up hitting someone drunk you can be in a lot of trouble.
Yes, he will try to come back and say I am sorry, but guess what I learned? it NEVER changes, mine relapsed now six times and still I was by his side. No more; if they don't want it bad enough for themselves they will never change.
Keep posting here. Please keep us updated on what you decide to do.
I was in a similar situation however I was not married to him, did live with him a short time but that didn't last.
This is no life for you nor your children to be involved in. I understand everything you are saying..The lying..The constant anger when you ask "have you been drinking?" and the guilt they give you for asking. The drinking and driving...My ex just got his third DUI and if currently on the run to avoid jail time. It will get worse, please get yourself out of that. Being married if he ends up hitting someone drunk you can be in a lot of trouble.
Yes, he will try to come back and say I am sorry, but guess what I learned? it NEVER changes, mine relapsed now six times and still I was by his side. No more; if they don't want it bad enough for themselves they will never change.
Keep posting here. Please keep us updated on what you decide to do.
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Purplethistles…….unless he is committed enough to do the hard work required for genuine recovery, it will always be more of the same....or, worse...…
Here is an article form our library of articles that you might find helpful….
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
Here is an article form our library of articles that you might find helpful….
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Join Date: May 2018
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Hi Purplethistles,
As I read the last line in your post, it was clear to me that you already know what you want and need to do. Sometimes I know that it helps to get the words out, read them, and have others give their support to your ideas and plans. You are a smart woman, I can also read that in your words. I wish you all the best as you move forward in your life.
As I read the last line in your post, it was clear to me that you already know what you want and need to do. Sometimes I know that it helps to get the words out, read them, and have others give their support to your ideas and plans. You are a smart woman, I can also read that in your words. I wish you all the best as you move forward in your life.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Purplethistles 
I don't think I can do anymore for him and honestly, I don't want to. But I suppose there is a part of me that still hopes I don't have to end my marriage so I am posting here.
You say part of you hopes you don't have to end your marriage, why is that?
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I was with my exAH for a decade. I'll tell you what kept me in the relationship... well, I'll tell you about a few things: 1) he was a danger to himself and I felt responsible, 2) detaching did not work as it made him abusive, 3) sunk-cost fallacy -- that's when you think because you spent x amount of money or time on something, you should stick it out or the money and time will be wasted. However, you're never going to get that money/time back anyway; it's gone.
I'll tell you what made it easier to leave: for me, I started to imagine my ideal life.
Mango recently posted about how Marie Kondo's "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying." I actually read this book several years ago and it's still relevant to me today. It's not really about tidying. It's more about asking yourself what you really want in your life. The only criteria it has to meet are: 1) does it make you feel joyful? 2) is it of practical value so that not having this in your life at this very moment will inconvenience you (there's a better way to say this, but it's like... you need your kitchen sponge, even though it doesn't make you feel "joyful")?
You can really ask the same question of relationships. Does the relationship make you feel joy? Does it improve your life in any way? Does it make you a better person? Does it challenge you in ways that allow you to learn and grow? Does it have a future that you want to live? Is your partner of practical, necessary value to your life? Etc... .
I'll tell you what made it easier to leave: for me, I started to imagine my ideal life.
Mango recently posted about how Marie Kondo's "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying." I actually read this book several years ago and it's still relevant to me today. It's not really about tidying. It's more about asking yourself what you really want in your life. The only criteria it has to meet are: 1) does it make you feel joyful? 2) is it of practical value so that not having this in your life at this very moment will inconvenience you (there's a better way to say this, but it's like... you need your kitchen sponge, even though it doesn't make you feel "joyful")?
You can really ask the same question of relationships. Does the relationship make you feel joy? Does it improve your life in any way? Does it make you a better person? Does it challenge you in ways that allow you to learn and grow? Does it have a future that you want to live? Is your partner of practical, necessary value to your life? Etc... .
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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His days are spent at home, cleaning and cooking for kids, occasionally walking the dog, watching YouTube videos and playing on the xbox.
So basically you’ll have 6 kids to take care of once your baby is born.
He’s found a very cozy environment where his addiction can grow. He doesn’t have to work, doesn’t have to contribute financially to the household as most adults do. He gets to play xbox and watch videos all day.
So when he does relapse, how does he afford the booze seeing he doesn’t work?
So basically you’ll have 6 kids to take care of once your baby is born.
He’s found a very cozy environment where his addiction can grow. He doesn’t have to work, doesn’t have to contribute financially to the household as most adults do. He gets to play xbox and watch videos all day.
So when he does relapse, how does he afford the booze seeing he doesn’t work?
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 32
Thank you for the replies all. I have been working and sleeping so not had much of a chance to get on and update.
Tonight has been the very last straw. He came to pick me up from work, oddly cheerful for him but told me about his good day and I put it down to his antidepressants taking effect. I couldn't initially smell anything. However shortly after we got in the car, being in the smaller space, I began to catch whiffs of alcohol. I then checked my online banking and spotted a transaction that was odd. So he was drink driving, with myself and unborn baby in the car. I made him pull over and walked the short way home from there.
He pulled up in the car and I got in the passenger side and told him I did not want him to go into the house with my children inside. That relapses were a part of recovery and all I wanted was honesty, that it was the lies that upset me the most.
I should know better, true to form he just got angry. Except he got really angry, threw his glasses on the ground, getting right in my face in the passenger seat, shouting at me that I always accuse him, that I don't go to Al anon so I can't understand him and dont support him and so on. My daughter sadly witnessed him, as she was coming home from the park with her friend and my dad who turned up for a surprise visit. He then drove off in the car. Drunk of course. I know I absolutely should phone the police, but i just can't bring myself to do it. I donb know what that says about me.
I am done now. My daughter witnessing me taking abuse like that, my father arriving and seeing me so upset, I am ashamed, embarrassed and angry. Mostly at myself for letting another addict into my life. The kids father was a weed addict and drank a 3 litre bottle of cider a night.
I just need to stay strong now.
Tonight has been the very last straw. He came to pick me up from work, oddly cheerful for him but told me about his good day and I put it down to his antidepressants taking effect. I couldn't initially smell anything. However shortly after we got in the car, being in the smaller space, I began to catch whiffs of alcohol. I then checked my online banking and spotted a transaction that was odd. So he was drink driving, with myself and unborn baby in the car. I made him pull over and walked the short way home from there.
He pulled up in the car and I got in the passenger side and told him I did not want him to go into the house with my children inside. That relapses were a part of recovery and all I wanted was honesty, that it was the lies that upset me the most.
I should know better, true to form he just got angry. Except he got really angry, threw his glasses on the ground, getting right in my face in the passenger seat, shouting at me that I always accuse him, that I don't go to Al anon so I can't understand him and dont support him and so on. My daughter sadly witnessed him, as she was coming home from the park with her friend and my dad who turned up for a surprise visit. He then drove off in the car. Drunk of course. I know I absolutely should phone the police, but i just can't bring myself to do it. I donb know what that says about me.
I am done now. My daughter witnessing me taking abuse like that, my father arriving and seeing me so upset, I am ashamed, embarrassed and angry. Mostly at myself for letting another addict into my life. The kids father was a weed addict and drank a 3 litre bottle of cider a night.
I just need to stay strong now.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
So sorry that happened to you PT! What an awful night.
Apparently he doesn't know about Al-Anon since it is all about support for the family and friends of alcoholics, not about understanding alcoholic behaviour or living with them. It's about tools to make YOUR life better and to detach from alcoholic behaviour. Al-Anon probably would be a good idea if you are interested in attending, face to face support can be a big help.
The poor judgement shown there is terrible and the fact that there are children involved makes it imperative that you protect you and your children.
Keep posting, lots of support here for you.
Apparently he doesn't know about Al-Anon since it is all about support for the family and friends of alcoholics, not about understanding alcoholic behaviour or living with them. It's about tools to make YOUR life better and to detach from alcoholic behaviour. Al-Anon probably would be a good idea if you are interested in attending, face to face support can be a big help.
The poor judgement shown there is terrible and the fact that there are children involved makes it imperative that you protect you and your children.
Keep posting, lots of support here for you.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 32
Thanks trailmix, it helps to know I am not alone. I actually don't have any friends, I know a lot of people but choose to keep myself to myself so there isn't anyone I can really talk to, other than my mother and she must be so fed up of hearing about all my drama.
I have contacted my husbands father, something I have never done before in regard to husbands alcoholic behaviour as he is the only other person my husband has and I can rest easier knowing at least his father can be there for husband. I'm not heartless.
I have also arranged suitable childcare for the children so I can continue working at least tomorrow and give me some time to sort out further care.
I will not go back on my decision now.
I have contacted my husbands father, something I have never done before in regard to husbands alcoholic behaviour as he is the only other person my husband has and I can rest easier knowing at least his father can be there for husband. I'm not heartless.
I have also arranged suitable childcare for the children so I can continue working at least tomorrow and give me some time to sort out further care.
I will not go back on my decision now.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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He pulled up in the car and I got in the passenger side and told him I did not want him to go into the house with my children inside. That relapses were a part of recovery and all I wanted was honesty, that it was the lies that upset me the most.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Agree, relapses are part of active addiction. I used to think relapses are part of recovery too (no idea where I got that idea from, but it floats around). If you have not secured your finances yet, please do so. You've got this. Protect you. Protect your kids.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
When the pain of staying becomes more than the pain of leaving, you will go. Until then, I hope you do things to protect your and your children from the affects of living with an A as much as possible. Just because you are married to him does not mean you cannot detatch and take good care of YOU.
Big hugs. We are here no matter what.
Big hugs. We are here no matter what.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 32
I packed up all his stuff this morning, text him to tell him the house is empty so to pick it up, leave the keys and my bankcard. Moved the money to my savings account so he can't take more of it.
It isn't a question of it being over one day. It's over today and permanently. I will not take him back. I owe him nothing and will file for divorce once we are the year separated as is the law here I believe.
I've had a good day, my boss has been n great and offered to let me finish work now and pay me holiday pay until my official leaving date of the 5th Feb. I said I would rather keep working. No point sitting about at home. I have my twenty week scan tomorrow to look forward to, see my wee boy again.
Life looks a lot brighter already.
It isn't a question of it being over one day. It's over today and permanently. I will not take him back. I owe him nothing and will file for divorce once we are the year separated as is the law here I believe.
I've had a good day, my boss has been n great and offered to let me finish work now and pay me holiday pay until my official leaving date of the 5th Feb. I said I would rather keep working. No point sitting about at home. I have my twenty week scan tomorrow to look forward to, see my wee boy again.
Life looks a lot brighter already.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Good for you! Onward and upward!
I hope you enjoy your scan, I always thought that was the most exciting thing to do! It's so wonderful to be able to see them. Don't let anything rob you of that job.
Big hugs!
I hope you enjoy your scan, I always thought that was the most exciting thing to do! It's so wonderful to be able to see them. Don't let anything rob you of that job.
Big hugs!
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 32
I had my scan yesterday, my little boy is absolutely perfect. It was very bittersweet, as AH did not make contact or try to attend, whilst I did not want him there, I was still sad he missed such a precious moment.
He finally made contact that evening. He text, said he was very sorry, he really misses me and asked how the scan went. I responded only to the scan part and stated it went well and the baby was fine. Having no contact with AH is not going to be realistic because of the baby however any communication I do respond to will only be in regard to the baby.
I just got another text this morning, he is very sorry, I don't deserve to be treated like that, he hopes I can forgive him and he would love to be involved with the baby including the birth.
I replied saying I can forgive him but cannot be with him. That he is welcome to be as involved with the baby as he would like, including at the birth.
I am incredibly sad, for what he has lost, it is difficult. However I also now understand that AH will never hit rock bottom whilst he has me to put a roof over his head and bring money in. I also know that even if he was capable of maintaining sobriety one day, I still could not be with him again. The trust is gone forever. I think I am mostly sad for our baby and worried for him. With so much alcoholism in his genes. There is alcoholism on my side too, my mother and both grandfathers, on AH side, himself, his father and his mother.
That said, i was never really much of a drinker and haven't drank in years now. Funny how being around alcoholics puts you off!
He finally made contact that evening. He text, said he was very sorry, he really misses me and asked how the scan went. I responded only to the scan part and stated it went well and the baby was fine. Having no contact with AH is not going to be realistic because of the baby however any communication I do respond to will only be in regard to the baby.
I just got another text this morning, he is very sorry, I don't deserve to be treated like that, he hopes I can forgive him and he would love to be involved with the baby including the birth.
I replied saying I can forgive him but cannot be with him. That he is welcome to be as involved with the baby as he would like, including at the birth.
I am incredibly sad, for what he has lost, it is difficult. However I also now understand that AH will never hit rock bottom whilst he has me to put a roof over his head and bring money in. I also know that even if he was capable of maintaining sobriety one day, I still could not be with him again. The trust is gone forever. I think I am mostly sad for our baby and worried for him. With so much alcoholism in his genes. There is alcoholism on my side too, my mother and both grandfathers, on AH side, himself, his father and his mother.
That said, i was never really much of a drinker and haven't drank in years now. Funny how being around alcoholics puts you off!
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Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 184
Stay strong and focus on that beautiful little boy that you will soon have in your arms.
The conflicting feels are strong, and sometimes overwhelming, yet I read something important in your words. You know that he is not going to hit that rock bottom place as long as you are taking care of his needs. That’s an important milestone. It’s hard to walk away and watch the train wreck that has to happen; you know all that the A is going to lose, even though they cannot see it. Keep your resolve. All the “sorry” in the world does not make him change, it’s up to him to make the changes that are needed.
Genetics are only one part of alcoholism. Your son will have a strong foundation with you and, when the day and time are right, the two of you will have a conversation about alcohol.
I wish you a good day. Stay focused on the future.
The conflicting feels are strong, and sometimes overwhelming, yet I read something important in your words. You know that he is not going to hit that rock bottom place as long as you are taking care of his needs. That’s an important milestone. It’s hard to walk away and watch the train wreck that has to happen; you know all that the A is going to lose, even though they cannot see it. Keep your resolve. All the “sorry” in the world does not make him change, it’s up to him to make the changes that are needed.
Genetics are only one part of alcoholism. Your son will have a strong foundation with you and, when the day and time are right, the two of you will have a conversation about alcohol.
I wish you a good day. Stay focused on the future.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 32
He is coming over tonight, to collect his things and we need to discuss finances. Dreading it to be honest, but sooner its done the better, I don't want anything dragging out. There will no doubt be the apologies, the listing of all the things he will do to stay sober, the guilt trip about the baby and so forth. Heard it all before so will prepare myself with short answers such as, you are here to sort finances andv pick up your things. Nothing more.
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