GreenSweater

I've seen folks do this, so hopefully it's OK to start my own accountability thread. Today is Day 4, and I am really going to give it my all this time.

MantaLady

Great idea GS, congrats on reaching your Day 4!! Keep up the good fight xx

Dee74

Good for you GS

what other kinds of things are in your recovery toolbox this time?

D

least

I hope you utilize this forum and post every day. Especially if you have the desire to drink. Post here instead of drinking.

Purplrks3647

Good idea GS Any plans for the weekend?

WaterOx

GreenSweater

Plans for the weekend: sleeping, actually eating food, exercising, coming here.

Plans for the toolbox: I'm not so sure, to be completely honest. I feel like I know everything I need to know, but it still isn't sticking for longer than a few weeks or a few months at a time. I need to dig deep and figure out how to make a truly transformative change.

Thanks for the support, everyone.

Tonymblue

Great work on getting day 4. Keep it going.

GreenSweater

Checking in for day 5. Should be good today.

GreenSweater

A lot of my drinking feels like mania. It's not a craving, it's not an urge. It's not throwing in the towel. It's not depression. It's not any of those things. It's like I can feel my energy building and getting to an almost euphoric tipping point where I feel invincible and unstoppable. Nothing is further from my mind than sobriety. I'm on top of the world, even before I take a drink. The drinking itself isn't the climax. What follows is the predictable wave: over the top, out of control, self-destructive behavior. Then, inevitably, there is a crash. Depression, self-loathing, etc. When the physical symptoms of the bender abate, I enjoy the calm that follows. It's like I've purged something or released something.

The cycle is very exhausting. Describing it helps me recognize it. And hopefully change it. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter why I drink, just that I stop.

Purplrks3647

That's an interesting way to put it GS....almost like the buildup to a movie, and then the outcome is a disappointment 'cause the expectations were so high....that's how it is for me anyway....

Hope your weekend is going well!

GreenSweater

I've been on and off this site for about a year. From where I am now, less than a week sober, it's very hard not to think about the time I have lost. It feels like I've wasted the year when I could be a year sober. I see so many success stories on this site, and it makes me feel worse about myself and my struggle. I have no excuse. Other people can do this. Looked at another way, though, I haven't wasted the year. I've learned some strategies for the hard times and for resisting the cravings (which are non-existent now, but I know will be returning soon). I've also proved to myself definitively that I cannot drink. Plus I had long stretches of months and weeks of sobriety. I guess it all comes back to the same truth. I can't drink. Nor can I change the past. I can't compare myself to others. I wish I had stayed sober last year. I didn't. I hope I can stay sober this year.

Dee74

Whether you call it a mania an urge, a buildup, a crave or whatever - the first time I realised I could get through that desire and those feelings and not drink was a revelation to me.

Urge surfing was very helpful to me. I needed a way to take myself out of the anticipatory euphoria and disconnect.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-surfing.html

I really talked up my cravings - I all but convinced myself they were a tsunami and I was the lone figure watching it bear down on me.

I learned however immense the feelings feel, they're not insurmountable - we can refuse to comply...and it gets easier

D

GreenSweater

Thanks, Dee!

GreenSweater

Day 7. I have no desire to drink right now, and I'm excited to be laying a sober foundation.

I know that drinking is an addiction, a disease, an affliction. I've demonstrated to myself again and again that I can't control it once I take the first drink. And I can't control the desire to turn to drinking when something "triggers" me to do so (stress, happiness, peer pressure). I know all this. I know that if I had a choice, I wouldn't be a drinker. If I could go back and take that gene out of myself, I wouldn't even hesitate.

But it's still very hard for me to believe that being an alcoholic doesn't make me a bad person. I think, a good person would have quit drinking the very first time they had a negative experience. A good person could cut drinking out effortlessly. Or a good person wouldn't even have the struggle to begin with.

Dee74

I know that many people see the issue in a moral light - thats the way it's been at least since Victorian times, but personally I hope it's changing.

I see my problem as addiction - anyone can get addicted....I know of alcoholic celebrities, priest, teachers, doctors, policemen, politicians, judges.... many of them did great things and good things, despite being addicted for some part of their lives.

I did a lot of things I'm ashamed of in my active addict years, and a lot of immoral things., but having been sober now for nearly 12 years I think I can present a pretty good case for me being a good person with good morals - but addiction had its fangs and claws as deep in me as it anyone else.

No offence is meant, but the closest I can describe it is I was mentally ill during my addiction days.

Recovery has restored me to my right mind.

D

GreenSweater

Thanks, Dee. I like your response a lot. Especially how you describe seeing yourself now, factoring in all your sober time and years. I hope to make a strong case for being a good person soon.

Now, not so much...

CaptainHaddock

I am hoping that you do not lose the desire to get sober.

Not suggesting this is all you need, but I have found that there are certain things that make me want to stay sober, all by themselves.

Like enjoying a hangover free walk with my dog, having the energy to do a little gardening even after I get home from work and being able to get up early and start doing things.

So I keep doing those things, making a point of being aware of how enjoyable they really are, and being grateful for it. Really strengthens my resolve to stay sober and, as I have said, all by itself.

least

Try practicing gratitude every day. Gratitude changed my attitude. It makes me feel blessed and it makes me happier too.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

Fearlessat50

Hi GS, about the cycle you mentioned in one of your above posts, this is very typical in addiction and it is caused by the changes to brain chemicals due to chronic alcohol abuse as well as sober-relapse repeat cycles. A lot of this has to do with Kindling and PAWs. You can find info by Googling these terms.

One of my recovered friends told me her doctor had suggested she was bipolar when she first started trying to quit drinking. This turned out not to be the case, and she is very stable now in long term sobriety. I think the extreme highs and lows are very common.

I remember feeling the way you describe about the success stories of others, feeling I was a failure. Know that most long term success stories did not happen over night, and most of us experienced multiple relapses. I lost count of mine and struggled for at least 3 years? Just keep moving forward and be patient with yourself.

I don’t think a person can be defined as good or bad based on alcohol use and addiction in general. There’s choice involved but addiction is also a progressive disease process, and there are both nature and nurture forces that affect everyone differently. It is very complicated with lots of variables. I think there are really good people out there who are alcoholics and really want to be sober. I think there are some bad people out there who don’t drink at all and aren’t addicted to anything.

I’m wondering if you have thought about your spirituality in this recovery journey? For me, it has really taken becoming less superficial and more spiritual and deeper. I had to redefine my values and find my identity as a sober person. Therapy has helped tremendously with this.

Stay connected here. You can expect to have ups and downs for a while. But it will get better so just keep moving forward. Never look back!