Why can't I just be done with him?!

Old 11-17-2004, 08:53 AM
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Why can't I just be done with him?!

I'm new here and need advice. I've been with my alcoholic/addict boyfriend for 3 years now and it has been hell. When we first met he was working the program and a terrific responsible person. A few months later he was drinking again and it gets worse every year. I've put up with his progressively heavy drinking (18 pack beer a day...and that's during the week) and a new found coke/crack addiction, also his "friends" who he lets invade our house and hide in my bathroom and bedroom to shoot up or smoke crack. I leave him every couple months and then he promises me things will change, and dumbass me i believe him and go back.

Well a month ago i lost it and flipped out on him and his "friends" for disrespecting me again and begged them to just go or i would call the police ...they wouldn't listen and starting threatening me...so i grabbed the cellphone and ran out called the police and his friends were arrested for possesion. They let him stay (becasue we are on the lease together and they didn't find anything on him) and it's been a nightmare ever since. I'm in and out of the house (staying with my mom) mostly when he' sober but he's lost his job and now i'm stuck with all the bills (which weren't getting paid anyway). His only other friend is a complete heroin junkie and the people who i had arrested are out of jail now and want their party house back with me out of it. And he lets this go on. I mean he complains about his friends problems (which he thinks are more significant then his) and disrepectfullness but then has them over anyway. Who does that?

Well my problem is that i just can't let go. I want to be done with him and all this crap ALL the time but i always find myself back there. I don't know why i continue to put myself through this abuse. My mother went through it for years with my dad and i swore i never would let a man treat me this way and i do! I'm staying with her right now but i'm just afraid i'll buy his crap again and end up back there. How do i stay away?!!

I feel if i go back there i won't survive it to leave again. He's started physically abusing me now.
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Old 11-17-2004, 10:05 AM
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Welcome Alecia !
I think we've all asked ourselves that question at one time or another. I know that it was making me crazy. I knew I was being treated badly but I couldn't get out of it. I didn't know why.

I figured out why and it didn't have anything to do with him. My mind had been messed up so badly that I just needed to take some time to straighten out my thinking.

If you stick around here or try an Alanon meeting, you can begin to figure out why you stay. Keep reading and posting and it will get better.

If he's abusing you, I suggest you stay away from him while you work on it. Your safety is the first priority. Your sanity is the second one.
I'm glad you're here.
L
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Old 11-17-2004, 10:12 AM
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Hey AleciaK, I'm so glad you're here. There's tons of support to be had. Sounds like your illness maybe the same as mine. Codependency. If you can try to get "Codependent No More" from your library. I can't tell you how much it has helped me. Good luck stick around here and be safe! You don't deserve to be abused no one does.
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Old 11-17-2004, 10:12 AM
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Alecia,

We're all addicts here. Some of us are addicted to people, others control and still others drugs/alcohol. We're all trying to kick our habits and learn newer healthier ways of living. Step 1 - We admit we are powerless over (insert your item of choice here) - that our lives had become unmanagable. If this sounds like something you are familiar with, you're in the right place.

Take a few deep breaths and try not to react. I know that I rarely make good decisions when I am in react mode. Keep coming back and read, read, read. There volume of good stuff at SR is astounding.

Just for today - give it to your HP.

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Old 11-17-2004, 10:46 AM
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Hi Alecia--Welcome!!!--I Haven't been here long myself but I can tell you this has been
a great wonderful uplifting place for me. Sometimes I don't even write anything about
my self or my AH and I just read. I find so many answers and so much comfort.Some-
times just knowing I'm not alone and I'm not the only one repeating the same unhealthy behavior patterns is the best medicine I can get. Alecia I would really like
to stress to you that physical abuse only esculates it does not go away. I really hope
for your own safety that you keep some distance between you and your boyfriend.
Take some time to concentrare on yourself and and learn about breaking the cycle
of codependant behavior. Pleeeease be safe and keep coming back to this sight.
There is so much help here and love for you. Smiles---Dee

P.S. Someone once told me that the definition of insanity is--Doing the same thing
over and over and expecting a different outcome.
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Old 11-17-2004, 11:18 AM
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Thank you all for your kind words. It helps tremendously to know there are other people who are going through or been through the same thing as me. I don't feel "unique" anymore"!

My mother went and got my mail for me while I'm at work and I got a letter from Victim's Advocate concerning what happened with him and his friends and the police. I called the lady a little bit ago and I'm going to see her after work to see what I can do about myself and my house situation. I'm really thankful the police and city provide service like this. Hopefully I'm on the right track for once...and hopefully and I can stay on it.

Thanks again!
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Old 11-17-2004, 09:12 PM
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Good for you--sounds like you are on a good track. Just keep taking one little step at a time. KEEP IN TOUCH we all need each other.--More Smiles--Dee
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Old 11-17-2004, 10:58 PM
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SJW
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The choices we make each day determine the consequences we live with. Even though you say you don't want to live this way, you do. No doubt, growing up in a home where Dad mistreats Mom is a large part of the problem. Not to say everything is your parent's fault, either. Probably they were just living the same way they were raised. We all do it to one degree or another.

The good thing is that you recognize that the way you are being treated is wrong. You have made a step in the right direction by calling the cops. It's against the law for people to beat each other up! You have a right to expect that your boyfriend pay the consequences for his behavior. You have a right not to suffer for his consequences. But you know what? We teach people how to treat us, and you have taught your boyfriend that you will tolerate his addiction and his abuse.

The only way to stop suffering the consequences of HIS drinking is to choose not to do it anymore. You are a creation of God. You weren't intended to be another person's punching bag. God loves you and wants you to make choices that are healthy for you. He wants you to have a good life. But He gave us free will. We can choose to do whatever we want to do, inspite of His wishes.

You already know that you need to be without the chaos that your boyfriend brings with him. You already know that you want to be safe. Ask God to help you be strong enough to do the right thing. He works through people here on earth. Take advantage of the help that is available to you. It takes courage and hard work, but you are worth it!!

Decide that you are worthy of love and respect just because God made you! You get to choose now that you are an adult. When you were a child, the choices were made for you. Or you just had to suffer the consequences of other people's actions. But you don't anymore. You get to choose for yourself.

I pray that you will be strong and choose to be happy and healthy.

SJW
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