andy1

I'm 17 days sober. A few years ago I went five months sober. I think the reason I snapped in the end, at a music festival, was that I thought I was missing out. I looked longingly at other people thinking that they were having a good time, and wishing I had a pint to fit in more and to enjoy myself.

I have a work away day at the end of this month, and I'm not looking forwards to everyone drinking. I've read a lot of posts on sober-recovery about feeling much better since being sober, but there's still part of my mind that thinks I'm missing out. I guess feeling comfortable, calm and happy when sober will come with time and experience.

Just wondered, others' thoughts on this.

Andy.

Guener

I am not around drinking people much anymore, but I will be at a work function not long from now where there will be people drinking when I will not. There are a good number of posts around SR about how people address ways to go through such situations, and no doubt people will bring those up here for your consideration. I'd like to say that I'm at a point in my sobriety now where I will not feel left out or tempted, but I understand your question.

Drinking ultimately left me left out of many things altogether. I was guarding my drinking at events and going to my private spaces to drink alone later or on other days when I could indulge unnoticed. The thing is, I wasn't able to keep things from being private anymore, because I am an alcoholic that will drink regardless of the consequences. I don't need to chronicle in detail all the things that got so bad for me as a result other than to say you don't need to go there nor would want to, either.

Learning to be sober means changing how we experience being around others who are drinking. That starts with not drinking in every case. It's not necessary to become a recluse, nor do we need to invite trouble if we are uneasy with a particular situation. You seem concerned that you will feel estranged by the day coming up, and that's a normal response, I think, but one that will change.

You can miss out on all the negative things that would come if you drink.

Dee74

I think FOMO (fear of missing out) is one of the things that trips a lot of people up.

The thing is tho - my drinking never ended at a civilised level with mates and having a great time - I'd pass out and be sick, or be an obnoxious jerk....they'd go home to their families and get up the next morning and go to work or whatever...

and I'd still be drinking...sometimes weeks later.

The great irony is here I was worried about missing out on things and I never once considered the amount of things I missed out in my own life and in my loved one's lives though the hours I spent on a bender.

D

Numblady

I think one of the keys for me has been getting to a place where I feel like I’M the lucky one. As others grow weary and slurry and pound drinks, I’m figuring out who is going to be an interesting conversationalist, or is it time to go to bed because I’m tired not because I’m passing out. When I was drinking so much of my mental energy during any social event was devoted to how I was going to get enough booze to keep myself floating that I feel like I hardly really even actually talked to people. I mean, I did but I was always preoccupied. One thing you could consider is reading one of the books about reprogramming your thinking on this (Allen Carr, Jason Vale, or the woman who wrote Naked Mind whose name is escaping my naked mind at the moment). You could also consider this: you have experienced plenty of these occasions while drinking. What about seeing what they’re like for a while not drinking?

dwtbd

Yep you're missing out.

Your AV is screaming that you are missing on a good thing.

Does your truer, more rational self see your alcohol consumption as a 'good' thing?

Tell that little shite of a voice, yeah missing out , thank goodness.

Living comfortably with latent desire comes , or can get better with time. But it starts when you know deep down with full self honesty that your choice to not drink is a 'good' thing for You.

IT will shriek that the only 'good' thing is more booze and that's a lie , a bold face one, yeah?

andy1

Thanks for the responses. I think more than anything, I'm putting this thread out there so I learnt why I slipped last time so I don't make the same
mistake again. Inside, I know that the thought about missing out is a lie.

Over the past few months, I've also been gradually changing my lifestyle and letting go some of my drinking buddies, and surrounding myself with sober people and gradually changing my hangouts from the pub to meditation centres and running groups.

I guess the thought of missing out was an issue for me in the past, and like Dee, I used to drink, one group of mates went to bed, I found some others to drink with, then they went to bed, and I would end up in the casino still drinking. I didn't like the idea that there was a party going on and I wasn't there.

I'm reading the naked mind at the moment, and it's really insightful, helping me to see all the lies I have in my mind about drinking. Also listening to a few youtube channels telling the truth about alcohol and sobriety.

Hopefully the work away day won't be too bad. Just one night to get through and I'm feeling strong and determined right now.

doggonecarl

I don't know what a "work away" day is, but if there's drinking, it's not work, and therefore can't be mandatory. So I'd advise you not to go.

But you were told the same thing about the music festival, and you went.

You can listen to your addictive voice...or us.

tomsteve

you'll miss out on this if ya dont drink:
-Don't remember anything after 11pm, woke up in a field, embarassed myself.
-the drink controlling my thoughts because I'm afraid of giving up as drink has defined a lot about who I've been in the past.
- Drinking does negatively affect my life and I've known that for a while.
- Alcohol never brings anything at all positive to my life. And the alcohol lies to me to try and keep me in the negative spiral.

Delilah1

You're smart to come here to have a plan in place. If there is an option not to attend, that might be best early in sobriety.

If not, stay for the work portion of your event and make your own plans for the drinking portion: take a long walk, bring a good book to read at the hotel, plan some sort of sight seeing excursion, take yourself out for a nice dinner, order room service and watch a good movie... just make sure you have a plan in place before you get there.

Also, remember you can check in here as much as you need to.

You've got this!!!

Lonewolf22

Yes, you are missing out! Every single person on the planet is missing out on something! At this moment now millions are at work whilst others are travelling around Europe. People are sitting watching TV whilst others are out playing in snow. Someone is struggling to get a job whilst a movie star has just been assigned a role in a new film. A hunk is out on a date with a beautiful lady whilst millions of other men are sitting in front of a scene giving it a you know what!
I hope this doesn't come across condescending but I often think like you and every single minute of the day everyone is missing out on what everyone else is doing! This is a rather abstract way of looking at it but I think what I get from it is that, at some point we have to realise that chasing what other people are doing is not going to make us happy.

Who is happier, the woman who travels all year round or the woman who stays at home most days?!

But coming back down to practical matters. Yes, I can see your point and there is no way I could go to an event like that at the moment nor for a good while. With that money you spend (and if you are anything like me when you're drunk, probably waste) you could save up and do something else that is as thrilling or fun.

One thing I've learnt from Dee recently is not getting a head of ourselves. Not absorbing all our attention on the negatives of one single occasion. In all patience and practicality to realise, there is a wider view of recovery than just concerning ourselves with these occasions. We have our whole life.

Lonewolf22

But I am aware I am in an optimistic mood today so tomorrow I might be on writing how much I agree with you haha

andy1

Thanks for the support deliah and sober-recovery. It is almost 100% compulsory. We're a small company, all working from home so the only chance we get to meet is on these away days every few months.

We're staying in a large house overnight. But I got this.....I'll have sober-recovery close by, and will have a number of a sober mate who is my unofficial sponsor.

Feeling good about everything right now, but won't let my guard down.

WaterOx

Boy do I hear you on this topic. Right there with you. I went 6 months last year and it was FOMO that got me in the end. It was the summer time music festivals that happen on a near daily basis out here when the whether gets good.

This time I want to be prepared.

I look forward to reading this thread. Thanks for posting

tekink

Feeling like your missing out is an AV trick, you can do everything just the same without drinking alcohol.

However it takes a while for your brain to adjust for this and putting myself into things that stirred up these feelings led to me relapsing a few times. I had to put things on hold until I figured this part out.

Hevyn

Hi andy - I'm glad you started this discussion. We go through many phases as we get used to our new sober life. In the early days we're still a bit numb, & sometimes feeling sorry for ourselves. (I did for a while.)

I drank 30 yrs. Thinking that a sober life looked boring & pathetic, I kept clinging to it long after it was fun. I couldn't imagine vacations, holidays, etc. without it. It took me too long to admit that what had once been enjoyable had become toxic & dangerous. I was dependent on it & rarely made a move without having it in my system. I was trapped, not happy or carefree - and certainly not celebrating or having fun. It was anesthesia - and I was it's slave. You don't need it, Andy.

Kid50

nez

It is only through not drinking, that I learned about why I drank. When I learned about why I drank, I discovered what I could change, in order to no longer have a need to drink. When the need to drink was removed as a result of changes made, I became free. In freedom, I am not missing anything, I am gaining everything. It certainly hasn't been an overnight transformation, but I did it by not drinking and moving forward. My life is not same anymore...and for that I am extremely grateful.

least

By staying sober, I'm missing out on all the misery drinking brought me. So I'm not missing out on anything good.

secret81

For me, I dont have FOMO its just the physical not having a glass in my hand feeling. Habit/ritual type thing I guess. Feel so much better though!

jryan19982

Being sober you miss out on the hangover. That crushing anxiety, that sickening feeling in your stomach, that feeling in your throat after you throw up, that pounding head ache, that sweat filled morning, the feeling of wanting to die, the feeling of regret... yup you are missing out BUT IN A GOOD WAY.